~*November 2004*~
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Benji asked Phoenix calmly, stroking her hand as Benji stood outside of his Impala, Phoenix looking serenely into the crisp, brown November day, her ears warm and toasty inside her red knit beanie.
“Yes,” Phoenix told him, gazing up at him, her black hair cropped to her shoulders and tipped with red, her eyes tired but happy. “It’s been long enough.”
“But do you think it’s too soon for…” Benji replied, crouching down next to his fiancée, his breath repelling out of his mouth as steam, black locks with blue tips peeking out from under his MADE baseball cap.
“Benji,” Phoenix cut him off, grazing her gloved hand across his chilly cheek, Benji closing his eyes at her touch. “Better sooner than later?”
Benji nodded in agreement, leaving a swift kiss on her soft lips before he went to his trunk to get Phoenix’s wheelchair. Benji didn’t know how Phoenix got through the day sometimes, but he was so happy she had such amazing strength, that maybe she clawed through the day for him and the baby. Phoenix glanced up at her appearance in the rearview mirror, catching a smile from both Benji and Ethan.
Phoenix looked a ghastly 42 instead of a youthful 22 sometimes, but for baby Ethan Benjamin Madden, just shy of one year, all her sacrifices were worth it. It was hard to raise a child basically on your own, left alone when you had a “trouble”, as she referred to her disability. Sometimes she rolled into her room just to cry rivers so she wouldn’t upset baby Ethan who was discovering the pleasures of soft toys and crawling space. For every time she’s cursed under her breath or let Ethan cry for more than a few minutes or reduced herself to tears because of something she spilled and couldn’t clean up herself, she knew that baby Ethan’s chubby, smiling face would make all that disappear, that someday, he’d grow up and hold her hand and tell her he loves her to pieces. That was her current dream.
Benji, Phoenix, Madison, and Joel all got a house together. It seemed logical because Joel and Madison were almost living with them anyway in their previous apartment. Madison would be around in case Phoenix would need help. Phoenix only goes to college part-time now, even though she has more than enough for babysitting and Madison always tried to make herself available. She just enjoyed being a mother, enjoyed being with her son, even with all the setbacks. Joel and Madison are still seriously in love, but have no plans on getting married in the near future. They figured that loving each other was enough of a commitment for now.
Benji tried to be around as much as he could, absolutely in love with his son and fiancée, but Phoenix of all people knew what music did to people, and she was content that her fiancée still desired to do that and not settle down. Phoenix was always lonely and frustrated, but Benji would always make it up to her somehow, from simple things like flowers and cards and kisses to grander things like trips to the Bahamas or Italy. Phoenix never held a grudge. She knew he had other responsibilities. Every spared second not on tour or in the studio or heading out for a night with a few friends, he spent at home. Phoenix appreciated that. Benji appreciated Phoenix. And they loved each other, which was the most important thing of all.
Benji placed the black wheelchair outside her door and reached to help Phoenix out, but her now buff arms underneath her leather jacket were all the help she needed, pulling herself quite swiftly into the wheelchair. “I’ll get Ethan,” Benji told her, wheeling her out of the way of the closing door and giving her shoulder a squeeze, opening the back door and picking a bundled-up baby Ethan from his blue car seat, his brown eyes wide with wonderment of this new place, wisps of black hair poking from underneath his custom-made MADE beanie, baby Ethan tiny beneath his green coat that made him look like a cuddly doll. Sometimes Ethan was confused between Daddy and Uncle Joel, but a tug on Benji’s lip and the cold feeling of metal always validated who was who. Benji blew air on baby Ethan’s rosy cheeks, Ethan giggling wildly in amusement as Benji lowered baby Ethan into Phoenix’s arms, Benji taking reins behind Phoenix’s wheelchair as they followed the cobblestone pathway into “St. Andrews Cemetery.”
Benji pushed the wheelchair slowly down the path, hundreds of headstones standing stagnant in the crisp air, the trees seeming to bend down to mourn, both him and Phoenix searching for “Barker.”
“Madison said it was near the back on the right,” Phoenix informed Benji softly, reaching into the baby bag slung over one arm of her wheelchair for a binkie, baby Ethan beginning to get fussy.
“I see it,” Benji told Phoenix, turning her towards the right and 4 or 5 headstones in. Phoenix expression became sad as she read the inscription on the black headstone. “Ethan Scott Barker, October 1st, 1982 to October 16th, 2002, ‘The beat of the drum will always be in his heart and those of who his life touched.’”
“Phoenix,” Benji crouched down next to her, watching a few tears trickle down the slope of her cheek, her eyes casting a longing look. “Are you going to be OK?”
“Fine, Baby,” Phoenix responded, tugging her hand from under baby Ethan’s weight to flick away her tears. “Just give me a minute.” Benji nodded, stepping back a little to give Phoenix her time.
“Baby Ethan,” Phoenix cooed, looking down at her precious son, his eyes dazzled by the concept of the gloves snuggled onto his little hands to keep warm, his Blue’s Clues binkie bouncing up and down. “I know you’re little and probably won’t remember this, but…I just need to do this for myself, if anything.” Her gaze rose from her son’s face to Ethan’s grave briefly, before sinking back down to baby Ethan. “This is my…a very good…an unforgettable person in my life, Ethan’s, grave. You probably wonder why he has the same name as you. Well…It’s a complicated and long story, but because of Ethan, I met Daddy.” Phoenix turned her head back to Benji, a comfortable, lazy smile on his face as he leaned up against a large headstone, Benji secretly blowing Phoenix a little kiss, Phoenix winking back at him. “We felt it was the least we could do for Ethan, seeing is how he left Mommy so suddenly. When you’re old enough, Mommy and Daddy will sit down and have a long talk to you about what happened in our past that lead to the birth of a beautiful baby boy, you. Have faith. Benj?” Benji strolled up next to Phoenix, his hand lying upon her shoulder with comfort. “Take Ethan.” Benji sported a mischievous smile as he slowly bent down to baby Ethan, snatching him in his arms and twirling him in the air, baby Ethan screaming happily, Benji trying to show him that anyone can fly, even without wings.
Phoenix wheeled herself up next to Ethan’s headstone and ran her shaky fingers over its glossy finish. She moved on, it was simple as that, and she knew Ethan couldn’t be happier for her, but still, Phoenix wondered if Ethan could hear her like he always used to, if Ethan was mad at her, if Ethan even cared. He knew that he had a place in Phoenix’s heart forever, but was that enough? Once the flashback of their first date blinked in her mind, the way he insisted on paying for everything, the way he wrote their names in the sand, the way their toes squished together as the waves kissed their feet, all doubts were relinquished. Phoenix took something from her jacket pocket. Brushing her fingers over its glossy finish, she bent down and laid a picture of her and baby Ethan from the summer, the beautiful waterfront in the background, million-dollar smiles on their faces, wind twirling through their hair, next to his headstone. She struggled a great deal to try to poke it into the ground, but it just toppled over and leaned up against the headstone, Phoenix sighing.
“You OK, Babe?” Benji asked Phoenix, Benji sitting Indian-style down on the frigid grass, baby Ethan dozing into a soft sleep in his lap.
Phoenix was about to answer, but a spark of color jumped into her vision. Incredulously, she watched a red rose blossom right in front of her eyes, then another, and a 3rd one, all shooting up like beanstalks, their silky petals properly fixing the picture, framing the picture, a few skinny green vines sprouting from the stocky stems and wrapping around the picture, like an organic picture frame, like they were trying to preserve it for all time. “Babe?” Benji gently rose to his feet, cradling the sleeping baby in his arms, than kneeling down next to Phoenix.
Phoenix leaned over to Benji, not breaking vision with the rose, Benji seemingly oblivious to the miracle Phoenix just witness. “I think,” Phoenix began, rubbing noses with Benji, “We’ll let fate decide.”