Benji fumbled with his dark green tie as him and the guys stepped out of Paul’s new Black Pontiac Aztek, ‘a real car for a real man,’ he gloats. The atmosphere was painted with gray clouds and a grayer sky as if the angels knew about this ill-fated day. The Brockport Funeral Home was like a huge brick white castle, luxurious dark brown double doors opening and closing with the grieving visitors.
“I shouldn’t be here,” Benji mumbled, his brown eyes trailing his black converses that scratch against the blacktop.
“Yes, you should,” Billy differed, his left arm held tightly in a sling against his heart. “It’s the least you should do.”
Billy’s tone almost sliced his heart in two. “What if it’s too soon for her to…see me again?” Benji asked timidly, pausing before the white steps leading up to the doors, “I told you how she reacted at the hospital.”
“Maybe she won’t hold a grudge,” Paul responded, smoothing his hands over the coat of his navy suit. All three of them looked at him with disbelief and Paul smiled sheepishly.
“Well,” Joel began, taking hold of the gold handle of the door, “It’s now or never…”
***
Madison chatted solemly with Barry inside the large teal room with gold borders at the first row of gold-plated chairs, his normally spiky platinum blonde hair like a surfer’s, messy. His pale green eyes were softened with the tragic news of his friend, not only losing a bandmate and friend, but a brother from another mother as well. Madison held her water bottle on the lap of her knee-length black skirt, her hair limply hanging from her head. Normally, Madison would rather eat raw cow brains than slip in a skirt. But this was no time to be selfish.
Phoenix stood uncomfortably in the corner of the room, holding a charm from her bracelet in her delicate fingers. It was still early, only Madison, Barry, Sid, Kory, and Nick occupying the large room (her parents stepped out to get some lunch and pepto bismol for Phoenix’s stomach and nerves) and she was thankful to not be bombarded with the trite “I’m so sorry”, “Are you OK?”, “Can I do anything for you?”. She didn’t need anybodies sympathy or tears; too many of both have stained her cheeks.
The room was incredibly warm, like Hell was relocated at their feet, the anxiety of losing her love and planning the funeral arrangements causing pimples to surge on her face like she was back in 10th grade. Tugging at her black V-neck ¾ sleeved shirt, she walked briskly over to Madison and leaned in toward her ear. “I need air.”
“OK,” Madison responded quietly. “But you haven’t even been up to see Ethan.” Madison pointed to his glossy black coffin at the front of the room, surrounded by vibrant wreaths from the hospital and vivid wreaths just sent in.
Phoenix just looked at her blankly and turned, pacing quickly out of the room and down the tan hall, tears engulfing her eyes again. Glancing back, she inadvertently slammed into someone at the front door, almost loosing her balance and tumbling to the gray carpet. The person caught her in his arms gracefully, the scene almost looking like some romantic dance sequence. “Benji?!”
“Hi,” he shyly responded, holding her in that position because he was frozen with fear, Joel, Billy, and Paul peering at the situation curiously.
Phoenix quickly loosened herself from his grip, sliding her fingers over her rumpled calf-length skirt. Phoenix’s eyes began to sizzle, an inkling of what she was going to spew out being formed on her quivering lips. Phoenix looked like a volcano ready to pop its top. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
“We just stopped by to…” Benji started, a little hesitant, notioning to the 3 guys behind him, “pay our respects.”
The honesty that filled his brown eyes, his whole face was too much to be furious over. Maybe it was just an accident, Phoenix began to think. If it was deliberate or because of poor judgement, she thought Benji wouldn’t dare step within 200 feet of her because of the guilt that would strangle and suffocate him. His persistence in making things “right” was almost admirable. Besides, this was about Ethan, seeing he gets the proper wake and funeral that he deserves. What kind of girlfriend, of person would start something while her boyfriend, the love of her life, lay in eternal sleep? Phoenix whipped her red nails over her eyes in frustration. “Thanks for coming.”
***
The room was overflowing with dull chatter, almost every chair being occupied by friends and family. Phoenix and Madison sat beside Phoenix’s parents in the front row, Mrs. Kadence Flores and Manuelo Flores. Kadence held her daughter’s hand firmly but softly, her blue eyes covered with a ripe sheen of tears, her oval face drawn tired under her dirty blond locks, the youthful wrinkles seeming to elongate. Manuelo was the strong, silent type with his sturdy, jutted chin and broad tan forehead, but his large chocolate eyes looked on the verge of tears as well.
Benji took a seat in the back with his friends, feeling as if under a microscope, not knowing if all these mourning friends and families of Ethan were aware than Benji was the one that lead him to an early grave. Benji leaned closer towards the wall behind the maroon window curtains, Joel peering over at him curiously. “Aren’t you a little old to play Hide-And-Go-Seek?”
Benji looked at Joel maliciously like he was the most callous person ever. “Not everyone knows I’m the one that hit him, Joel,” Benji whispered brusquely from behind the curtain.
“They definitely won’t know by the way you’re acting,” Paul told Benji sarcastically, a smart-ass grin plastered on his pale face.
“Dudes, shut up,” Billy scolded both of them as an elderly pastor entered the room and strolled up the gray carpeted steps to an oak podium, his beady black eyes disappearing and reappearing after each stroke of his white eyelashes. The room simmered down to perfect silence, the pastor’s long, wrinkled, bony fingers resting on his leather-bound Bible.
“Ethan Scott Barker’s wake will not be the traditional wake with Bible readings and songs from a choir. This wake will be mostly people, people close to Ethan, speaking about him. Phoenix Flores, our first of several speakers tonight, will give her grievances allowed.” The pastor backed away from the podium, peering over at Phoenix with a small reassuring smile. Kadence and Manuelo nudge for her to go on, their caring eyes following her to the podium.
Phoenix tucked her hair behind her ears, swallowing another fit of tears and nervousness and she raised her eyes to the crowd. “Umm…I don’t wanna be up here long…I’m liable to break down any minute,” she began quietly, her voice shaking almost as much as her hands, gripping them tightly around the podium, her stomach performing somersaults. “I could…speak for hours about my heart, my soul, my boyfriend, Ethan. You’d all probably have to spend a few nights here.” A few laughs were ejected from the crowd, breaking the ice crystallizing in Phoenix’s throat a little. “He taught me…so much in our 3 years together and our friendship before hand that he is now apart of me like my very own heart. When he died, a part of me died which I believe, with faith, will become alive again. He taught me compassion, passion, genialness, patience, honesty, trust. He taught me about love is never jealous or bias or impatient, and that there’s always someone out there for you…at least one person and that they would always there for you, even if your situation is little or huge. He shaped who I am today. If love could bring him back, he…he could have 99 lives with the amount of love and support that I see in this room. I know Ethan is…in a better place with his parents, Ben and Alice, two of the more selfless, kind people I ever met. They raised their son well and in a sense, raised me well. The four of us…are thankful…for that.” She scratched an itch about her right eye, a tear beginning to plummet down her cheek.
“I know…he wouldn’t want me to…be angry or hold a grudge against fate and the card he was dealt. So…I just want to say for the record, I am not mad at the person who did this to him.” Her eyes bored into Benji’s immediately, like she had sonar, Benji being pulled into her tractor beam. His eyes were wide with misbelieve. “I may forgive him, but I will never forget.”
Tears pulled down her cheeks like weights, her hands swiping them away briskly with her hands like they were towels. “I…would like to leave you all with these lyrics. This group was one of the first that got me into appreciating and loving music and I am proud to admit I am a fan.”
Phoenix turned away from the podium, her eyes sedating as if the smooth sound of her voice was lulling her to sleep. “If I’m gone when you wake up,” Phoenix began softly, Ethan’s peaceful face coming into her view. She gingerly touched his wool black suit, the skin beneath it icy cold, her touch turning into a small massage “Please don’t cry. If I’m gone when you wake up, It’s not goodbye.” She slowly reached down and opened his clammy china white hand, tracing the lines in his large palm with her index finger. “Don’t look…back at this time…as a time of heartbreak and distress.” Her right hand brushed against his forehead, tossing back his unkempt brown spikes, his face not budging. Without hesitation, she leaned down and brushed his pale forehead with her red lips, “Remember me, remember me.” She reached into her skirt pocket and took out a silver charm, a hallow heart with “Always and Forever” scripted on it, a gift for her from their 3 year anniversary, and placed it delicately in his hand, pressing her hand against his as if to salvage any remaining heat flowing in his blood. “Because I’ll be with you in your dreams.”