Fine?! How could I NOT be mad at him?! Jesus! And I just HAPPENED to not think before I spoke that one time, didn't I? No! I was NEVER going to forgive him! But I already told him I wouldn't be mad. So.. I guess I have to pretend that I'm not. But I've been fricken pretending my whole life. I watched a smile slowly appear on his face.
"Thank you," he said. Hah, I'd never heard those words come from his mouth before. I was too pissed to even be impressed. But with that, he got up and left the room. I got up and closed the door after he'd gone upstairs. I leaned my back up against it and slid down to the floor. I put my head in my hands. 'What am I going to do?' I thought.
I got up and walked over to the bed, lying down on my back. I pulled out my discman from my sweatshirt pocket. I slipped the headphones over my eyes and pressed play. I closed my eyes as I drifted off to sleep.
Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight
* * *
I woke up later that day. I stumbled out of the bedroom and into the bathroom a little bit down the hall. I turned on the water, cupping some of it in my hands, and splashing it over my face. The cool water felt good, though gave me some chills. I turned the water off and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were still lined with the black eyeliner I had applied this morning. I pushed my dark hair behind my shoulders and sighed. I felt so drained.
I made my way upstairs. I happily found that Joel was no longer in the house. He must've gone back to his cottage with Mike and Jared, I guessed. I prayed he wouldn't come back. He didn't even say goodbye to me. That's cause he took care of that a long time ago. But I found Scott and Reese being very laidback, watching a movie from the couch. They had the fireplace going, too. I looked for the clock, realizing it was dark outside, and it read half past seven. Had I really been asleep for that long? Wow. Just then, Scott turned his head and smiled at me.
"Hello, sleepyhead," he said.
"Hey." I smiled at him before walking into the kitchen. I opened the fridge, and before I knew it, Scott was beside me, propping himself up onto the kitchen counter. I pretended to still be occupied with what's in the fridge.
"Yanno," he began, "I know what Joel did. I remember."
"Not half as much as I do." I continued to focus on the cold foods. I hoped he could tell in my voice that I didn't want to talk about this. Not yet. I was still in denial, hoping it would all go away.
"But.. I see what no one else does." I held my breath, waiting for what he'd say next. "I see the hurt that's still in your eyes."
"Fuck off," I said in almost a whisper. Though part of me was hoping he'd take my words in, the other part wanted him to see through my childish ways.
"Don't deny the truth. I only wanna help, but you know I'm here." He looked me in the eyes, but I looked quickly away. He hopped off the counter and walked back out to the living room. I sighed, closing the fridge door.
*
I kept to myself the rest of the night, basically. I took a long, hot shower and went to bed around eleven. I fell asleep, convinced that I wouldn't have anymore contact whatsoever with Joel the rest of my time here. But that's when the painful memories started rushing back to me. They made their way up from the very depths of my heart and engulfed my whole body in their grasp. I felt tears slip down my cheeks, and I wiped them off my face angrily. I rolled over in the bed. 'Just let this all be over,' I prayed. I don't think I can make it through.
*
I slept late the next day, but oddly enough, I felt very tired. I rubbed my eyes and soon got out of bed. I walked clumsily upstairs to hear someone cooking breakfast. I smiled when I saw Scott's back facing me. I realized I felt guilty for telling him to fuck off last night. I walked over to him and hugged him from behind. I squeezed him tight before I let go.
"Scott, I'm sorry," I started. I was staring at the ground as he turned around. "Thanks for last night. I'm a bitch." I looked up at him, biting my lip, hoping for forgivness to find Joel smiling widely at me. My heart dropped as my stomach turned.
"Kinky," he said, chuckling.
"Shut up," I commanded, punching him in the arm. I walked right back out to the living room and threw myself on the couch. TWO times I had mistaken Joel for Scott.
"So, what?" Joel yelled from the other room. "Are you sleeping with Scott or something?"
"NO!" I shouted. I leaned back over the couch so as to have Joel in my view. "Where the hell do you get that idea?!"
"Well, yanno.." He began to convert his vocal chords into a girly voice. "'I'm so sorry, last night was great. Please let me be your bitch' sounds a little sex-related to me."
"You LOSER! That's not what I said, and you know it!" I can't believe I was being so openly jokey with him. Why? But I was happy to find the smile on my face. He continued to laugh. He walked in soon after with breakfast. They were undercooked-looking eggs and really fatty, chewy bacon. I could've puked, but I laughed instead.
"What?" he asked, suspiciously, as he sat down next to me on the couch.
"Nothing, nothing," I told him, but I couldn't help but laugh again. He shrugged it off and put a piece of bacon in his mouth. I watched intently. I watched his face turn into the funniest puke face I'd never seen as he ran to the trash in kitchen and spit it out. I was hysterically laughing the whole time. As he sat back down, I said, "That's what."
"Thanks for warning me," he said.
"You're welcome." I put my plate of non-digestable food on the coffee table. For a few precious moments I had had no worries. But they all came back to me now. I tried to push them away as Joel grabbed the remote from the table. "Hey! What are you doing?" I yelled, grabbing the remote from him. "This is MY house! What are you doing here anyway?" I turned on the TV and began to flip through the channels.
"I just thought I'd come over and make breakfast. Mike and Jared are late sleepers, and I'm not. And I know that you aren't either. I figured I'd give ya some company," he told me and smiled. I couldn't help but smile. So he did remember some things. But never the important ones.
"Well, I don't want any company," I shot back, grinning. "So leave." I was only joking, of course. In some odd way, I was enjoying his presence.
"Fine!" He put on a sad face and began getting off the couch. He walked by me, but I grabbed his arm.
"Noo! Don't leave!" I called out, pulling him back to the couch. When I had pulled him back enough, I grabbed his other arm and pulled him even more. I kept giggling as he pretended that he couldn't get out of my grasp. I pulled one last time and he gave in, but he fell on top of me as he came back to the couch.
I just looked at him for a second. He was using his hands to prop himself up and had them placed by my waist. He had the same little smirk on his face that he always had when something happened that could be considered a sexual inuendo. "Get off." I laughed slightly as I pushed him off me. I kind of wished I hadn't, but this wanted about what I wanted. It was about what I needed to stay alive. I needed Joel away from me. But my heart told me otherwise.
"Oh, you know you like it, and you can't deny it," he said, sitting up next to me.
"No, I don't, and yes, I can," I answered.
"But you really can't. You KNOW you want some of this." He laughed.
"No, I really don't. Sorry to disappoint you." This was getting uncomfortable, so I got up and walked to the kitchen. But to my dismay, Joel followed me. I opened the fridge and tried to pour myself a glass of milk on the counter. I felt his arm snake around my waist and he put his chin on my shoulder.
"C'mon. You do," he said, seductively. 'No,' I told myself, 'Don't give in.' I tried to shrug him off. "Just let me.." But he didn't finish his sentence. His hands began to move from my wasit up. I pushed him off and turned around immediately.
"What the FUCK?!" I screamed.
"Shh! Don't wake anybody up!" He whispered.
"You haven't fucking changed, you know that, Joel? You're still a fucking prick. My GOD, I can't believe you!" I yelled at him.
"I was just playing around!" he protested.
"Yeah, fucking playing around with my feelings! You don't even know how much you mean to me!" Fuck. It slipped out, and there was nothing I could do to take it back or erase it. I had said it, but at least it wasn't a lie. I let too many lies escape my lips. He just stared at me, not believing what he heard. His jaw had dropped a little. I shook my head and sighed. "Just get out." He didn't move. "Now!" He left silently, and I shut the door behind him. I leaned my forehead up against the door. I had really fucked up. Now, he'd catch on, and this would create so much more drama. Drama I didn't need. I would not be able to take this all in and take it well. Ah, fuck.
It has not healed with time
Reminds me how you laid us down
And gently smiled
Before you destroyed my life
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces