Theistic Satanism: Home > Humor > Church of the Sweaty Arse-Crack!

[Note by Diane Vera:   Some theistic Satanists may feel that the following satire is disrespectful toward Satan and the Demons. Its intent is to ridicule a certain type of Satanist, not Satan and the Demons themselves; and I think Satan and the Demons are smart enough to understand this. Also, the following is not intended to single out any one group or individual in particular. It's a composite caricature of several. If the shoe fits....

Church of the Sweaty Arse Crack!
by Stephen Bleach

Attention Satanists!

The Lord Satan has appeared to Me in a puff of sulphur and brimstone.... I have been Chosen as the sole emissary of Satan....

All former Satanic orders are hereby void. All must acknowledge Me as Grand Pontiff of the Aeon of Stale Bacon!

Within the month, a great plague of snot demons, armed with noxious fart sacks and thick sharp poles for anal tearing, will be summoned to rape and sodomize all Satanists who have not bowed down to my mighty word.

They shall be the example of things to come. After we have done with this false Satanic light, we then will kill all the fluff-bunny Wiccans and New Agers. And we will then go on to kill all Xtians, Jews, Arabs, humanists, and those who have afflicted the human race with Rap music for so long.

If you wish to avoid having your arse-hole attached to your head, then you must send $666.00 to All major credit cards accepted.

We will, with the aid of our noxious fart sacks (and sweaty arse cracks, which are a sign of the True Satanist) suffocate all opposition to the New World Order. We will drown the world with the stench of our intolerance and belligerent twitching sexual organs, which will be rewarded, and thus satisfied by a field of sheep (and goats with twelve inch dongas for the ladies). Dwarfs will be given hamsters and a roll of masking tape.

I hope that all will come to the revelation of this most holy and sacred work, as I could use the money....

Yours covered in mucous,
Lord Pork.

The above is a revised version of an email group post by Stephen Bleach, a Magistrate of the First Church of Satan, in December 2002.

Copyright © 2002 Stephen Bleach. All rights reserved.

Back to: