Paybacks

Chapter 21

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<Denotes Bosco’s thoughts>

*****

 

Perspiration started to bead on his forehead.  His hand began to sweat as he tightly gripped the handle of his gun.  <Don’t wuss out now Boscorelli.  This is the only way.  God, please don’t let Faith be the one who finds me.  On the N in one.  Three…two…>The muscles in his arm tensed as he slowly moved his finger on the trigger <o->

 

“Bosco!”  Faith had opened the door.

 

He quickly tried to pull the gun out of his mouth before she saw him, but it was too late.  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”  She quickly closed the door behind her, so the officers in the other room wouldn’t hear what was going on.

 

“Get outta here Faith!”  He rested the gun on his knee, and refused to look at her.  <Damn it!  Now what?  She saw me.  I blew it! >

 

“That’s not going to solve anything,” she scolded.

 

“Yeah it will.  It solves the whole problem!  Can’t you see that?  This guy can’t kill me if I’m already dead.”

 

“Bosco how could you even think of killing yourself?”  Her voice was softer now as she realized yelling at him in this situation probably wasn’t a good idea.  He still had his gun.  She sat next to him.  He still hadn’t looked at her.  “Give me the gun Bos.”

 

“Come on Faith,” he tried to chuckle.  “It’s not like I’m going to do it with you in the room.  What kinda person do you think I am?  I wouldn’t put you through that.”

 

“Oh, what?  Now you’re concerned about what you’d be putting me through.  You won’t blow your brains out with me in the room!  How thoughtful.  But did it cross your mind that if you did it without me in the room it would still scar me for life?  Did you think how this would affect me?  Or were you just being selfish?”

 

“Yeah I thought about you,” he said softly.  “Why do you think I was doing it?” He added.

 

“What?!  So you’re saying I drove you to this!”

 

“No!  It was my way of protecting you!  This way you wouldn’t be in the line of fire!”  He looked at her for the first time.  A look of shame on his face.  “I’m sorry Faith.  I didn’t know what else to do.”

 

“Knowing the way you feel about people who try to ‘dust’ themselves.  I never pictured you as the type to eat your own gun.”  She paused, pointed at his gun, and beckoned for it with her hand.  He gave her the gun.  “After what you saw Hobart go through I can’t believe you wouldn’t come to me for help.”  She stood up.  “Come on,” she said gruffly, “the detectives want to talk to you.”

 

Bosco stood, and followed her out of the room.  “You feeling all right Boscorelli?” asked Don when he saw Bosco.

 

“Yeah.  I guess.  Why?”

 

“Well, you’re sweating, and you’re kinda pale.”

 

“Gee Don.  You would be too if you were going through what he is!”  Faith had come to Bosco’s rescue.  “Give him a break.”

 

Bosco looked at Faith, and mouthed the words “thank you.”  She just glared at him.

 

Hank, the other detective, spoke up.  “We’re going to move you to a hotel.  It’ll be easier to protect you there.”

 

“Faith should go home.”

 

“Bosco I’m not leaving you.  Especially not after this morning.”  She gave him a knowing look that only the two of them understood.

 

“OK it’s settled then.  Grab your stuff, and let’s go.”

 

“Hank?  Do you think Bosco should go to work today?  I mean if he does aren’t we just setting him up.”

 

“You’re right Yokas.”

 

“I have to work.  I’m not taking the day off!”

 

“Boscorelli--”

 

“No.  Look.  I have to face this head on.  Besides this guy knows every move we make.  I’m a sitting duck either way.”

*****

 

“Now this is more like it.”  They had walked into the biggest, plushest hotel suite Bosco had ever seen.  “Man, I thought these types of places were only in movies.  Why exactly were we in that dump in the first place?”

 

Faith just looked at Bosco, an annoyed look on her face.  She hadn’t spoken to him since they had left the safe house.  Tension filled the room.

 

Bosco knew she was angry, and he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to fix what he had done.  “Faith, would you at least say something?”

 

“You’re an arrogant, selfish son of a bitch!  Oh, and you’re a coward too!”

 

“OK that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it’s a start.”

 

“After what happened earlier I don’t know how you could expect anything else!”

 

“Faith you just don’t understand.”

 

“You’re right.  I don’t!  So make me understand!  I’ll give just about anything to know what’s going on in your head.”

 

Bosco sighed.  “Why don’t we sit down?”  He walked over to the couch.  Faith didn’t follow; she just stood there looking at him.  “Please Faith.  Come sit down.”

 

She was a little reluctant.  Yes, she really wanted to know what he was thinking this morning when she found him ready to kill himself.  But on the other hand she was scared of what she might find out.

 

Bosco was watching her with anxious eyes.  “Faith,” he was practically begging her.

 

Her desire to know won over as she nodded her head, and took a seat on the other end of the couch as far away from Bosco as possible.  Faith sat so she was facing him.  It was hard to look at him.  All she could see was her partner sitting on that bed with his gun in his mouth, eyes closed ready to pull the trigger.  She had only seen him like that for a nanosecond, but it was etched into her brain forever.

 

Bosco sat facing forward.  His elbows on his knees, and his hands clasped together.  He took a deep breath, and ran a hand over his face.  “I’m not sure where to start.”  His voice was steady, but he had never been this nervous.

 

Faith didn’t say anything.  It was his time to talk, and she was going to give him as much time as he needed to say what he needed to say.

 

“I’m sorry you saw that this morning.”  His voice was distant, and the look on his face was blank.  “I’m sorry I did that.  I’m sorry I didn’t come to you for help…but I made a promise.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t let you see me weak again.  Like that day in the hospital.  I’m ashamed of myself for being that weak, that frightened.  I didn’t want you to see me like that again.  I was afraid you’d lose respect for me.”  He glanced at her trying to read the expression on her face, but looking at her only made him feel worse.

 

He turned away from her before continuing.  “This morning I was scared just like that day in the hospital, but I couldn’t break my promise to myself.  I couldn’t let you see how afraid I was.  As I sat in that room I thought about all the things I’ve messed up in my life.  All the people I’ve lost or hurt.  Then I thought about you.”  He looked at her.  Tears were forming in his eyes.  “I thought about how if things go wrong with this guy you could get hurt or killed.  And I couldn’t have that on my conscience.  So I figured if I ended it right there, right then, you’d be safe.”

 

“Bosco you know I’d give my life for you.”

 

“And I was going to give mine for you.”

 

“But you’re not God!  You don’t get to decide when your time is up!  That’s not how life works.”

 

“I know that now.”

 

“How’s that?”

 

“Glen taught me that you fire on the N in the word one.  Before I started counting down I asked God to forgive me.  I prayed for the first time in years, and I asked him not to let you be the one to find me dead.  I thought it was the answer Faith, I really did.  But you know what?  When I got to the O in one you opened the door.  I wasn’t meant to die.  At least not that way.”

 

Bosco turned on the couch so he was facing her.  “You’re always there for me when I need you Faith.  But why couldn’t I see it?  Why couldn’t I see you were there until it was almost too late?  Faith I never wanted to hurt you.”

 

She reached over, and took his hand.

 

“Faith I’m sorry.  Can you forgive me?  Can things ever be the same between us?”  A single tear rolled down his cheek.

 

“No Bos.  Things will never be the same.”  His eyes got wide. <Oh God.  Not this.  I can’t live without her. >

“From now on things should be better.”

 

“What?”  He was so relieved, but he was confused.

 

“I’ve seen you at your absolute worst. You’ll know that since I didn’t turn my back on you now that I won’t ever.  Things can’t get any worse than they did this morning.”

 

“So we’re OK?”

 

“We’re more than OK Bos, and I want you to know something.”  She squeezed his hand.  “Being afraid at a time like this is allowed; even for a tough guy like you.  You don’t have to hide it from me.  And always remember I respect you for being you.”

 

“Thanks Faith.”  The two officers sat without speaking for a few minutes.  Their hands still intertwined.  Both of them were thinking about how good it was to be in the presence of the other.  “Faith?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Are you gonna tell Lieu about this morning?”

 

“I don’t think I need to.  Do you?”

 

“No.  I’m OK.”

 

“But don’t make me regret this.  You have to promise me this will never happen again, and you’ll talk to me before things get bad.”

 

“I promise.”

 

Bosco rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand for a few seconds then stood up.  “I’m going to try and get some sleep before our shift.”

 

“You sure you’re OK?”

 

He smiled at her.  “I am now.”