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~FROM
THE HEART~
~REMEMBERING~
Go ahead and
mention my child,
~FEBRUARY 2, 1999~
It was New Year's Eve day 1997. I was at work getting ready to go out for a short while. As I was getting my keys my phone rang. I answered only to hear my 20 year old daughter hysterical and crying. "Mom, there was this terrible accident, Danielle is dead and Vanessa, they say it doesn't look so good." Where are they, what happened, where are you, are you OK? A thousand questions with no time to wait for answers came into my head. "Mom, I'm here at the hospital where Danielle is and my boyfriend and I are going to the hospital where Vanessa is, they told us to." Who told you, why are you two kids driving, stay where you are, where is Vanessa, I'm on my way, honey, I love you. I tried reaching my husband but he wasn't at work nor was he home. My boss said he'd drive me, no, I'll do it, I need my car and I knew I would drive the 30 miles faster than he would. How stupid, it was 2:35 New Year's eve afternoon and the parkways were packed with everyone leaving early. I became like a machine. I knew if they took the children to two separate hospitals they needed two trauma rooms and that my daughter was dead. I just knew it. I called my home from my cell phone when I was close and told my oldest daughter don't ask any questions, just get ready and meet me outside in 3 minutes. I'm not waiting. She and my husband were waiting outside, I didn't even wait for the car doors to close. We got to the hospital and my middle daughter and her boyfriend had arrived just minutes before. They told these two innocent kids that Vanessa had died and put them in a private waiting room. My daughter had to tell us that Vanessa was dead. Shock! I want to see her. People all around all of a sudden, adults who should have been there before with my daughter and her boyfriend now surrounding us. I want to see my Vanessa. Shock! I held her and tried to warm her up thinking I could bring life back into my sweet baby. My heart breaks for my middle daughter having to be the one to tell me Vanessa and Danielle were killed. Oh, how my heart aches for her.
There is a great big gray area that I still cannot remember. I do remember giving permission for Vanessa's corneas to be removed for transplant. That gave my husband and I seven hours to hold our baby. Thank goodness for those hours. We were blind sighted on a Wednesday afternoon. Our world collapsed. I felt like I had died along with my daughter. I still feel like a part of me died that day. I had to speak to my niece's mother. I do remember calling her at the other hospital from the trauma room. I have no recollection of what we said to each other.
The driver of the vehicle that killed our two precious children allegedly fell asleep at the wheel and he never to this day said he was sorry. The children were walking where they were supposed to be walking, way off the road. They were, according to witnesses and the police doing everything right. All of a sudden there were detectives and funeral directors and morgue's in our world. Why? There are no answers yet.
Much of these days are still gray. I cannot yet fill them in. My family was devastated. My children had their baby sister taken from them, we had our precious child stripped from our life. My niece lost her daughter. Her surviving daughter lost her sister and her best friend. There doesn't seem to be a way to stop hurting. My family have all gone to a psychologist. My husband and I went to Compassionate Friends. I read every book on bereavement and healing that I can. The pain does not go away. Just three days before my daughter turned 14 and now she is dead. It is true what is said, it is every parents nightmare. I now see everyone pulling apart and yet pulling together. I can only pray that the pulling together wins out. I don't have the strength to help my two surviving daughters continue on in their lives and help my husband try to survive this horrendous loss and help myself as well. I will try. If not me, who? I find as time is moving on I am weakening to a point I don't care much about anything any more. I lived for my children, my family, yet someone just comes along and takes two lives and I'm supposed to go on. I'm tired of well-meaning family, friends, and acquaintances telling us time will help or it's time to get on with your life. Do they know what my life is now? Do they have any inclination of the pain each day and night hold? Please do not give me advice if you have not walked my walk. I go to work everyday, it is the only place I can focus. Perhaps it is because of the promise to my two older daughters to give them a college education. I appear "normal" to people but when I find my solitude and that mask comes off it is not a pretty person. There is no real joy in life any more.
I have faith that one day life will be livable again. I do not fool myself by putting a time on that belief. My family was fortunate with the support we received and the ability to reach our for professional help. It is helping but the process is so painstaking. My two surviving daughters seem to getting their lives in order. My husband and I are far from anything that remotely resembled our lives prior to our daughter passing on. I am angry and mad and feel cheated for the loss of my daughter. I feel blessed for having had Vanessa for fourteen years. She was bright, intelligent, kind, compassionate and loved by so many. She would have definitely make a positive contribution to society. I am trying to control my anger because it is directed at one person only and feel that no one should be the brunt of that anger except for this one person. That takes a lot of effort.
We are now past the first year of our loss but the pain and feelings seem harsher. The shock is gone and the reality lives on and it is the reality of the death of our daughter that is unbearable. We will keep trying and we will succeed, but our lives will never be the same and we will never be the same people we were.
In memory of
our daughter, her number "9" was retired from her school's softball and
field hockey teams of which she was captain. Vanessa was inducted
posthumously into the Junior National Honor Society. A memorial garden
was started in her name, a ball field has been named after her, a children's
library has been established and named after her. Two scholar athlete
funds have been established in her memory. Vanessa was loved by many
and she remains alive in everyone's heart. She is forever woven into
our souls. Two women now have gained the ability of sight from her
corneas. Perhaps they can look up towards the sky and see the star
that was named for Vanessa. That would be beautiful.
~JANUARY
2, 2000~
It is so exceptionally difficult to comprehend two years have passed without my beloved Vanessa. Each and every day takes such an enormous amount of effort to get through. This second year was much harder than I would have imagined. In many ways it was harder than the first year. The shock has worn off and the reality of facing the remainder of my life without Vanessa has set in. The reality is what made the second year so difficult.
On a positive note, Vanessa's two sisters, now 21 and 23 have been so supportive and considerate. Each in their own way have accepted the fact that I will never be the same person and they are okay with the fact their Mom is crazy and you're never quite sure what will bring me to tears or make me smile or both simultaneously. On days like birthdays or holidays they always seem to find a perfect card from my angel and include it with theirs. It fills this mother's heart with love and hope. Love because they care enough for me and their sister and are not afraid to express it. I know they will never forget Vanessa and her spirit will live on in a nice, warm, safe place in their hearts long after I'm gone.
Vanessa would have been "sweet 16" this past birthday. Oh, that hurt so bad. Not what a parent envisions. Vanessa was looking forward to getting her driving permit on her 16th birthday. I remember her telling me that my car would be just old enough by that time to give it to her so she could drive to school and I better take care of my car. I do. How long can I keep that car running.
I have learned to keep so much inside myself because most of the people who preach how much they care, don't. They're very uncomfortable talking about Vanessa, what my life is like, understanding why certain times during the year have lost their magic. They may say they do, but their body language screams out differently, eyes divert, and a quick change of subject or "I have to go, take care," becomes the norm. It's okay, I adapt. In the beginning it was hurtful; now, it's not worth the emotions/ My world seems to have gotten smaller, but at least those close to me do not use meaningless platitudes to make themselves feel better. My husband and I separated, that had absolutely nothing to do with Vanessa being killed.
I still kiss Vanessa good morning every day and kiss her good night each night. It never ceases to amaze me how cold the glass gets on the picture frame. Yes, I think of Vanessa a million times a day and I would say there are moments at some point each day I cry. Some of those tears are obvious, most I've learned to hide well. I go to the cemetery every Sunday. I find some degree of peace bringing Vanessa pretty flowers each week. Of course, in the winter it's difficult getting them into the frozen water in the container and removing the old ones.. Such a pretty, young girl should have pretty flowers each week.
I believe we have an angel looking over us from above. There are moments when I feel Vanessa's presence and times I wish I could. I cherish every moment, every memory, every thought. I have not yet reached the point when a lot of memories returned as other bereaved parents tell me they will. However, they did say that takes more than two years.
As we start year three, nothing has happened yet with the man who killed Vanessa and her cousin. The legal system moves very slow. Countless depositions have been canceled. Every six weeks another one is canceled. The anticipation as each deposition date nears causes unbelievable nerves because we only find out the afternoon prior to the scheduled date that it has been canceled. A very cruel system. I have yet to cancel a deposition but nothing moves forward. Maybe this will be the year for justice.
~VANESSA~
~HOW
DO I LIVE~
PAGE UPDATED ~ 07/03/05
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