Well Feck

Sigh, because sigh, thus sigh, because sigh, so sigh.

This involves people hailing from New York City, Boston, and Rochester, and that the New Yorker and the Rochesterianhave many many issues causing the Bostonian to reappear. Is this a problem?...not for me...maybe for the New Yorker. This needs to get resolved fast...maybe I could rent out a steel cage...

On the other hand, there is a WOO HOO to be had...
The NY Times presents...pizza recipies! Bwa ha ha!

Damn Observation Of Polite Calling Hours

Around 12:30, I felt all set to make the call...but then I realized it was 12:30am, and I didn't know for sure if she was awake/busy or anything, so what's another day? Let's just hope this mood stays this way.

This mood you say? Well, for once at the end of Sunday, I did NOT feel compelled to send Shari a long rant via email...and by for once, I mean the first Sunday since the last 2. Progress is a good thing. Even if I do have these random mood swings of "Won't Shari just come back" and "Forget her", I think I'm getting less sever versions of "PLEASE come back" and I'm spending progressively more time in the "Forget that" zone. The fact that I felt compelled to make the call today is, I hope, a very good sign.

What did I do before that decision today? Well, I STUPIDLY FORGET THAT MET TICKETS WENT ON SALE TODAY! FUCK! Good thing Mike didn't. After that, work on the SE project. I got a better GUI for us!...and I kinda screwed up the scoring while trying to impliment fouls. MUST BE FIXED!

Well, that's about it. Perhaps tomorrow I'll have a much more interesting thing to post about. Outlook for tomorrow...hazy...tomorrow starts good and ends bad...damn. Well, here's to life! ::raises a glass:: Night everyone!

....

Donno what to think. Just typing like I seem to every night these days. There is still a war in my head. A part that still wants Shari back. No sense in denying that it exists. At the same time, there's a half that knows she's crazy to do some of the things she's done and (a) don't want to even start dealing with that (not the smallest of reasons why is she'll just get mad at me anyway, and why should I get her mad at me over something that's none of my business anyway) and (b) how long would it be, if we started dating again right now, until this game started again? Not worth finding out.

And so with all that said, I know I don't know what I want to do. I know I have to get away from these rants every single damn night! Sure, I got out of my room today. I went and coded with the SE group for two hours, went and ate at Tino's for 2 hours, played TimeSplitters for probably 3 hours...and yet whenever I look to my buddy list it's always hoping there are 2 or 3 people there who I want to talk to, and yet I have nothing to say to. There's a gap I want filled, and I don't know what to do about it, and with feelings like that I don't know if I should put anyone there right now.

And then there's *gasp* the third side. I know myself well enough to know that if I confuse myself long enough I won't do anything. That's no good either. Sure, I could probably name easily 10 reasons waiting until summer to go and take Shari back is very probable. At the same time, I could list 10 reasons I shouldn't do it! ARG! And yet, there are only a few reasons to do something else. Hmm...1...2...3...4...5...is that enough? Well, it's not much better than other scenarios, but still. There's a HUGE cause for concern in me, especially considering what just happened. Stupid distance. I hate distance. I hate them all. It's the cause of so many bad things.

I need a hug....and some better dreams tonight...and a hug again. Night

Random Dream Sequence

The world has been saved from the evil slug that layed bootleg eggs and we got the Gold ones....but it's just a card game anyway, cause Jon's playing it too...game continues...I rush back (inside the game from a first person view) to Staten Island via ferry....and go to Grandmas...sorted through treasure, feasted...had to rush away...had to catch a train....I was going to Boston...Mom would meet me at the station with my ticket...waiting at the Oakwood station for mom (You can only pick up tickets at the Great Kills station...(as a note, these are both Staten Island railway stops, Oakwood being the one 5 blocks from my house) )...WAIT! I canceled that ticket cause we're over...shit shit shit, gotta call mom...voice mail...

"By pressing one, I can delete this message! Sorry everyone, but since my students read Rosencrantz and guildenstern, I'm sure you can understand this message. BEEP!"

Damn, she's not there...ticket office ticket office...there!...wait wait wait (oh yeah, by the way, this is Amtrak)COME ON THE TRAIN'S COMING SOON!...Ok....got the ticket..."Don't you need this?" (holding up credit card)..."No, we've got it". RUN!...just got the train...I'll be getting to Rochester shortly...wait, THIS IS THE WRONG TRAIN! I don't want to go to Boston now!(fade out/wake up/end dream)

I Haven't Felt This Presence Since...

It's 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep...and it's not thoughts of Shari this time. In fact the last time I couldn't go to sleep and felt kinda like this, it was the night of October 2, 2000. Many questions will be posed to me tomorrow, and I know the results of the day are almost 100% likely to not match up to those of the 3rd, for various reasons, only a small one is my own inability to conjure up words to say "Hey I like you, you like me?" Too many other things to consider...but on the other hand, thinking is bad for these situations and sometimes you've just gotta act. Maybe I should listen to those last words...yeah...tomorrow still probably wouldn't end up like the 3rd that way...but maybe a day next week might.

I'm going to play Zelda 1...with Zelda 8 on the way soon, I must do the traditional going through of the many games (Yes, passive voice, deal with it people!). Bother me if you like. Later.

Valentines Day

Today I can count three things I celebrated a love of.

Sleep. I slept from 4am to 4pm. Aaaaah, that felt good.

Warm showers. I tried to shower early in the day, but the water was too cold for my taste. Waited until later, around 4:30 I tool a niiiice looooong waaarm shower....aaaaah...
On a somewhat related note, something should be noted here. I almost literally "jumped" into conciousness at 9:03 (on my alarm clock, which means it was really more like 8:50), felt a little chilly, then tried the shower...and I could tell there was some warmth in it, but when I stood there the water was cold...and then when I turned it off and stood outside with a towel wrapped around me, I was FREEZING...not sure why that was so, but it is annoying.

Pizza. Oh God pizza. Sausage, ham, pineapple. Mmmmmmmmm.... (besides, it was Friday! And Friday, is Friday. And on Friday, I eat pizza.)

Otherwise, two things worth daying about Friday V-Day.

Low Level Panic..."An examination of the role of ponography in our society and how popular images of women influence the way they are seen by others and the way they see themselves." Well, there wasn't much mention of porn, only in one scene out of "3" (there were 4 extremely short scenes too), and 3 girls. One was the "hot one", one was the one who was "anti-society one", and the other was "Shari" (seriously). The great majority of the play was the Shari-esque one and the anti one arguing about stuff, mostly looks and what guys are thinking (ie: if women are just toys). In the end, I felt like I was back in Mr. Donin's class for an hour, cause it asked a lot of questions and took a Donin stance, and otherise had no real plot at all.

U of R's Music interest Floor's Single's Party. Not much, just a bunch of people hanging around and having a few drinks. Thanks to Sarah for the invite. When my floor and I walked in, it was awkward for a while cause everyone there already was tipsy while we were all sober...but somewhere along the line I think we evened out so we could communicate in a meaningful way. I don't think it was what my floor was expecting from me saying "Single's Party" (they were up and out of their rooms in 2 seconds and ready for "action"), but I think everyone enjoyed themself :).

Well, I'm back now...and somewhat tired. I must say, I don't like the effects of burping after drinking rummy coke and then a tequiza, despite the quality of the drinks. Off to bed I go, night!

You!

Self image...perhaps the biggest factor in determining personallity...and yet also always a negative one. If you see yourself as being too good, you end up being cocky and arrogant. On the other hand, poor self image results in depression and feeling helpless and pathetic. I guess the happy medium is to just be, and only look at yourself in so far as keeping youself in decent shape (read: shower, wear clean clothes, eat decent food, all that good stuff).

So are you what you make yourself out to be? Probably mostly. It might also be where all our flaws come from. The clingy, the fearful of rejection (whether it be weight or height or no good reason), the superficial, and those seeking acceptance when they have it. Will any of those desires ever be completely met? I'd say no. It's dealing with the 80 some odd percent most people do get that makes or breaks you.

There's also the acceptance of things that are happening. Whether it takes 4 days or 3 weeks to realize, and no matter what you're realizing, you're no worse off than the next guy for it. The fact that you realize it is an important step, and that you don't do nothing afterwards is still more important.

The point is, stpop sitting there thinking you suck, because you only suck so long as you think you do! Go out there and kick some ass, and if anyone tried to tell you differently, make sure their ass is next.

In other news, I'm seeing Daredevil tonight (Thursday). Here's hoping Hollywood doesn't suck!

Yes

Emotions run high, shit happens. I stand by the substance of what I said, which I don't think many know, but yeah...time to move on...

------------------------------------------------

I'm feelin good....tired for once....not "tired oh God why can't I sleep," but "aaaaahh...time to sleep....". Maybe it's cause something finally snapped last night. I wish it didn't have to be that way now, but it's probably best it happened. No more worrying "Why." Still....there's that empty spot now...the next question to answer is how soon is too soon? I hear a week's generally a good time...I think I've been working on this for 2 and a half weeks now though, so maybe that's low for me? Either way, soon. Maybe I could go somewhere to do something on Saturday. Screw it, I'm feeling the Zen now, I need to sleep while I still am. Good night all!

MOST Displeased

Ask me why if you're ready to hear a rant....

---------------(The next morning)-----------------

On another displeasing note...there's something wrong with me getting a box of cereal claiming to be an official sponsor of the 2002 Winter Olympics now...

Oh Mo

Maybe it's time I actually tried to use this thing rather than wait for it...it's fuzzy...but I think it's good...many different images...the important one is there though...before that...I think food getting was involved...and studying?...or music listening...and who's the other guy...it's not clear...where?...hard to say...a room...not own...can't see a third in it...answer to question...no...but was worked against...figure 27.5% chance?

On a somewhat unrelated note, Steve on the floor has raised the bar for all of us today. We had a female on the floor...a friendly one....a good looking one...and he tries to impress her by throwing sandles off his feet at random things? WHAT THE FUCK IS HE SMOKING?!? He just...like...I donno...she seemed freaked out beyond anything...but she stood there talking with him still...but I don't think there's anything already going on there...Steve is crazy and yells fuck a lot. There has to be something I'm missing there. Oh well, nature calls. Good night.

Also in the news at RIT, not much. Did eat well tonight...Dinosaur BBQ ribs!...unfortunately microwaved, but damn, they're worth it. Feelings...I'm on a high end I think (where high = feeling good about it). Erica gave me the equivilant of a smack upsaide the head the past couple of days, and it helped. I think it's time to move on. Where to?...not sure. I'm once again in the realm of wanting girls and not knowing what to say or when to say it. I should probably just talk...but I don't know how it would go. Too much uncertainty around this. I should do soemthing soon though. Now if only I wasn't stuck going to see a play about porno on Friday...assuming i can get a ride.

Well, I must try to get some sleep. Despite the good feeling, there are other ones that still linger...friendly ones that are worried. Last time this happened I woke up with a cold sweat after only being asleep an hour and a half and a pulse of, oh, 150bpm and shivering as if the room temperature was 20 below. Oh well, nothing I can do about it...although the room does feel a bit drafty.

Happiness is found in unexpected places...but you have to look to find it.

What's This?

I think I've been thrown a rope...better start tugging on it.

Space...

What a person needs to think in. Distance between one and another so as to not be as reliant on one another and to be able to come up with thoughts not as influenced by the other. Can be attained by not talking to or seeing the other much.

Lonliness....the result of space on some....which, according to this dictionary is actually spelled lonEliness off of lonely...destitude of sympethetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc....
Destitude....deprived of (just checking on that :) ).

So why is it not 5 minutes after I started typing this....space was broken?...Screw it, it'll just make my head hurt.

I Am Here

Now if only I knew where here is. It looks a little familiar, but still different. I can also see more than one way out this time through the shroud. The only question left is which one to take...and I should probably choose quickly, don't wanna drown where I stand in the quick sand...

-------------------------------------------------------------

I've realized something....to go with that above reference to the path being shrouded by fog...it's windy. That fogs moving around a lot. Different paths appear clearer at different times. This morning on seemed to be all but gone from sight. Now I've caught another glimpse of it and it seems a little closer, but still far. I also don't know if that's the best path to take. All I know it the exit isn't up or down...although staying up helps.

SPORTS REPORT AH HA! We have Cone and Bell! The two oldest men in baseball! We rock!