So It Haunts You
AKA Coffee Problems
Radu wandered among the barren wasteland. He remembered a time when everything was absolutely fabulous. Elmira was there too, she remained uneasy. Radu knew something was wrong, but couldn't put a finger on it.
Suddenly, Elmira let out a scream. Radu whirled around, only to see Elmira collapse and disintegrate.
Radu awoke with a start. "Lights on", he said, unintentionally waking up Harlan and Bova.
"What now?" asked Harlan. "Not another psychic message, I hope."
"No, not that. I had this dream, and Elmira was there."
"Oh, Radu, I don't think this was worth waking me up for. Oh yeah, I'm hungry." With that, Bova disappeared down the jump tubes toward the galley.
"Tell me what happened," said Harlan. "Then we can go back to sleep like normal species."
"OK," said Radu. "I was in this barren wasteland. Elmira was walking beside me, she seemed disoriented. So did I, but I didn't really know why. Elmira screamed, fell to a heap, and disintegrated. Then I woke up."
"Odd," said Harlan. "Go take the first shower. See if that doesn't clear your head."
"Why are you letting me go first this morning?" asked Radu.
"Because it's Monday, and you don't wash your hair today," Harlan said.
"Fine."
Suzee and Rosie were getting ready to go to the galley to see if Bova hadn't eaten their breakfast yet, when Rosie started to absorb heat for no reason.
"Why are you doing that?" asked Suzee. "It's not hot in here."
"Adrianne's in the bathroom," Rosie replied. "She got a present from her spector. Some hair thing."
"What did she get? Oh, and what the heck is a spector?"
Rosie tried to reply, but was interrupted by a scream from the bathroom. The doors opened, and Adrianne ran out. The left side of her hair was singed off by a few inches.
"Oh no! I'm going to HURT my spector!" shouted Adrianne.
"What's a spector anyway?" asked Suzee. "And what happened to your hair?"
"My spector is sort of like a mentor. All non-genetic power witches have them. They get them once they start at Oberon Finishing School for Witches."
"What did you get? And why was it set to Heat Overload?" asked Rosie.
"That must be why you were absorbing that heat," said Suzee.
"I got some curling iron thing. I think I need to ask my spector a few questions." Adrianne grabbed a small computer with a logo on it: Property of the Oberon Finishing School for Witches. She held it to her mouth. "Oh Binks!" she said into it. "What was that?"
A small message appeared on the screen. Adrianne looked at it in exasperation.
"Well, what did Binks say?" asked Rosie.
"I can't believe it. Look." The screen bluntly said, "April Fool, Adia!"
"Adia?" asked Suzee.
"My nickname at Finishing School, before I got thrown out. Binks is my spector. No one takes him seriously, so they assigned him to me. This computer connects me with the Finishing School."
A message appeared on the screen. It said, "Adia, put the computer to your head and the hair will grow back."
Adrianne did, and the hair grew back. She and the others went down to breakfast, soon forgetting the whole ordeal.
At breakfast, Radu seemed unusually tense. Rosie was the only one who noticed, as she kept giving Radu strange looks. Finally, she bluntly asked it there was anything wrong.
Harlan intervened by answering. "He had a nightmare."
"Oh?" asked Rosie. "Wanna tell me about it?"
"No. I don't want to." Radu seemed adamant.
"But if you don't tell me, then we can't help."
"Rosie," said Suzee, "give it up. He's not going to tell, so get over it!"
"Fine," said Radu. "I had this dream...it was so real..."
"Is that all?" asked Rosie. "I thought you were dying!"
"How very blunt, Rosie," said Harlan. "Don't you have any tact?"
"Do you have any tact, Band?" countered Adrianne.
"Of course I do. I am the-"
"Harlan," said Suzee patiently, "shut up."
The day was seemingly normal. Radu's dream was since forgotten. But that night, the dream occurred in a new form.
Radu and Elmira were at an Earth disco. A song called "Staying Alive" was playing. Elmira was getting way into it, singing along and dancing in a cage.
A weird looking cross between a gerkel and Kurt Cobain came over to where Elmira was dancnig. "Hey, babe, does it smell in here?"
"I don't smell anything," said Elmira. "Why?"
"It smells like teen spirit," said the thing. "Dance?"
"Sure," said Elmira, stepping out of the cage. "Oh, one more thing," she said to Radu.
"The coffee is pitiful." Elmira and the thing began gyrating on the floor. "Staying Alive" ended, and a song called "Smells Like Teen Spirit" began to play.
"I told you it smelled!" said the thing.
Radu awoke with a start, shaking with bewilderment.
Harlan heard a noise and was woken up. "Radu? Is it another nightmare?" he whispered.
"Yes. This one was ridiculous. What did she mean by 'the coffee is pitiful'?"
"Did someone say coffee? I'm out of here." Bova had awakened and was hungry.
"You had to wake him up," moaned Harlan. "Now we really need to find out what's behind these dreams."
Radu agreed. "Maybe, but for now I need my Andromedan coffee."
"Could the coffee be the reason the dreams are taking place? That is a possibility."
"Harlan, get over it. I need my coffee."
"OK, but don't come complaining when you have another dream involving some psychopath and Elmira." Harlan disappeared into the bathroom.
At breakfast, everyone seemed normal, but when Radu arrived and got some tall Andromedan coffee, Harlan freaked out.
"Rosie," he said, "I want you to scan Radu's Andromedan coffee."
Rosie, who wanted to help any way she could, agreed instantly. Radu, on the other hand, was adamant about keeping his coffee in his posession. Harlan found another method of getting the coffee.
"Adrianne, can you do molecular transferrence?" Harlan was desperate.
"No, Band. If I could do molecular transferrence, don't you think I'd be back on the colony by now? But I'll tell you what. I'll rope it in like I saw on Bonanza.
"When were you watching Bonanza?" asked a bewildered Harlan.
"That's not the point, Band. The point is, you want Radu's coffee. And I'm going to give it to you." Adrianne raised a finger. Her usual bolt of magic turned into a lasso, which managed to rope in Radu's coffee. Radu cringed as the coffee landed in front of Rosie.
"I knew Binks had a point when he forced me to watch reruns of Bonanza," Adrianne said smugly.
"Binks?" asked Harlan.
"My spector," said Adrianne. "He's my slacking mentor I got at Finishing School."
"Whatever," muttered Harlan. "Rosie, can you scan the coffee now?"
"Sure." Rosie took the coffee to her supplies in medlab.
Radu looked annoyed. "There had better not be anything wrong with my coffee."
"Radu," said Suzee, "you probably just have the flu or something."
"Yeah," said Harlan, "for not believing me when I thought of the coffee theory."
Rosie returned. "Radu, I found the cause of your messed-up dreams. Your Andromedan coffee was distilled and mixed with Foster's beer!"
"What?" asked Radu. "That's complete bull! How did Foster's get in my coffee?"
At that point, Thelma fell out of a jump tube. "Radu, your coffee must have gotten thrown in with Commander Goddard's weird glop mixture. I wonder how that happened." Thelma quickly disappeared.
"Radu, the cause of the dreams was an allergic reaction to Foster's beer," said Rosie. "You won't be having any weird dreams tonight!"
Harlan had a smug look. "So I was right. So it haunts you because of allergies. Interesting."
"So what haunts me?" asked Radu.
"Foster's. Australian for beer," Harlan said with an Australian accent. "That's what haunts you."
That night, Radu received a sort of psychic message from Elmira. "I knew the coffee was pitiful," she said.
"Not funny," said Radu. "I don't get coffee until Rosie gives me the OK, and Harlan won't stop with the accent."
"Not having coffee isn't a horrible sacrifice," Elmira advised. "Just be glad it was the Foster's you were allergic to and not the coffee."
"That's true." Radu continued to look reasonably confused.
"I have to go now," said Elmira. "Rosie will have checked out the coffee tomorrow, so you don't have to be without caffeine. Adios." Elmira began to dissolve, and the theme to Bonanza started playing in Radu's head. Radu was able to drown out the hideous music and wait for the morning and caffeine soon to come.