MERRY XMAS! JOYOUS KWANZA! HAPPY HANNUKAH! ETC, ETC, ETC. I HOPE EVERYONE'S ALRIGHT. I TOOK MY STEPSON TO SEE "THE LORD OF THE RINGS" YESTERDAY AND I LOVED IT. OH, HE KINDA LIKED IT, BUT A THREE HOUR FILM FOR A 9-YEAR OLD CAN BE ROUGH ON THE ATTENTION SPAN! HE WAS FAMILIAR WITH SOME OF THE CHARACTERS. (I HAD READ "THE HOBBIT" TO HIM YEARS BACK.) FOR ME, THIS WAS THE SECOND FILM I'D SEEN IN AN ACTUAL THEATER DURING 2001! (WE'D SEEN "A.I." A FEW MONTHS BACK AND WE WERE QUITE DISAPPOINTED!) TWO FILMS IN ONE YEAR! ...AND FOR THAT MATTER, ONLY THREE SINCE 1985! THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE FILM REVIEWS I POST ON MY WEB PAGES AND ELSEWHERE, ARE BASED UPON MY VIDEO VIEWING HABITS. (I HAVE AROUND 1600 VIDEOS IN MY COLLECTION. MY HOUSE LOOKS LIKE A VIDEO STORE!) AH, THE DREGS OF CAPITALISM! CONSIDERING THE $40 I HAD TO SPEND ON TICKETS, 'CORN, SODA, ETC.; WE WERE LUCKY TO GO AT ALL. MY $633 A MONTH INCOME DOESN'T STRETCH VERY FAR. I'VE REFRAINED FROM DISCUSSING RELIGIOUS AND POLITICAL ISSUES IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS, DUE TO THE HOSTILITY SURROUNDING THOSE OF US WITH A LESS THAN PURITANICAL JINGOISTIC PARADIGM. THE ONLY FOLK CURRENTLY HATED MORE THAN ISLAMIC TERRORISTS ARE THE FREE-THINKING, HUMANISTIC LIBERALS, WHO ARE MISFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO QUESTION OUR NATION'S LATEST CALL TO ARMS. I AM, OF COURSE, SYMPATHETIC TO THE CIVILIAN LOSSES ON OURS' AND FOREIGN SOIL. THEY ARE THE TRUE INNOCENTS IN THIS RECENT MADNESS WE CALL JIHAD/STOMP OUT TERRORISM/THE CRUSADES/GO HOME GRINGOS/DESERT STORM/VIETNAM/KOREA/POLICE ACTION/WWIII/AMERICA FIGHTS BACK/ _____________ YOU FILL IN THE BLANK. I AM PARTICULARLY SADDENED BY THE RESCUE TEAMS WHICH WERE FLATTENED BY THE COLLAPSING OF THE TOWERS. THEY WERE SELFLESS AND HEROIC. I FELT SO MOVED, I SPENT A COUPLE OF DAYS DESIGNING WHAT I FELT WOULD BE AN APPROPRIATE MEMORIAL TO REPLACE THE RUBBLE NOW BEING CLEARED. (THE RUBBLE IN NEW YORK, NOT KABHAL. SORRY AFGHANISTAN, YOU NEED FAR MORE IMPORTANT HELP THAN WOULD BE REALIZED BY A MEMORIAL!) ANYWAY, I FOUND A CERTAIN PEACE IN PLOTTING THIS ENORMOUS GARDEN WITH ETERNAL SKYLIGHTS, NINE BRONZE STATUES OF THE "EVERYMAN" AND BUNKERS HOUSING A MUSEUM DEDICATED TO THE CATASTROPHE. THEN I REALIZED SOMETHING LIKE THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. THERE WOULD BE NO PROFIT IN IT. THE REALTY/REALITY IS FAR TO EXPENSIVE. INSTEAD, SOMEONE WILL PUT UP A NEW COMPLEX, DEDICATED TO THE NATIONAL INTEREST...GREED. THERE WILL BE A RED, WHITE & BLUE MCDONALD'S SERVING BURGERS MADE FROM GOOD OLD AMERICAN USDA BEEF, IMPORTED FROM ARGENTINA, OR CANADA. HAPPY MEALS WILL COME WITH TOY FIREMEN, POLICEMEN AND EMT'S, WRAPPED IN SIMULATED GREEN, PLASTIC, BODY BAGS. SODA STRAWS WILL HAVE OLD GLORY ADORNING THE PLASTIC CUPS, STILL TO SHORT TO ACCOMODATE THE EXTRA LARGE SIZE. THERE WILL BE A SERIES OF COLLECTIBLE, RE-USEABLE MELMAC SODA CUPS, WITH 9/11 PRINCIPLES. MAYOR RUDY, GEORGE W., RUMFELD, COLIN POWELL, GEN. TOMMY FRANKS (WITH A SPECIAL MEAL CONSISTING OF, YUP...BEANS & FRANKS), SADDAM HUSSEIN, BILL CLINTON (THEY'LL FIND SOME WAY TO CONNECT HIM TO THE WHOLE DAMN AL QAEDA THING...HMMMM! AL QAEDA...AL GORE...COULD THERE BE A CONNECTION?), OSAMA BIN LADEN (WHICH, OF COURSE, WILL BE THE HARDEST TO FIND AND THEREFORE MOST COLLECTIBLE). ALL OF THE EMPLOYEES WILL BE GIVEN NEW UNIFORMS. EACH REPRESENTING GREAT PATRIOTS FROM AMERICAN HISTORY. GEORGE W(ASHINGTON?), RONNIE RAYGUN, TRICKIE DICK NIKON, ST. MICHAEL MILKIN, D.B. COOPER, O.J. SIMP'S SON, BIG-DADDY CIA BUSH-WHACKER, WEE-WILLIE RANDOLPH HEARST, USER-FRIENDLY DALE CARNEGIE, PUFF-DADDY FALWELL AND LITTLE JIMMY BAKER WITH HIS PANTS DOWN AROUND HIS KNEES. ALL POTENTIAL TERRORISTS, ER...I MEAN CUSTOMERS, WILL BE STRIP- SEARCHED UPON ARRIVING. TWICE, IF ATTRACTIVE AND FEMALE. ENRON EXECUTIVES WILL BE WAIVED THROUGH AND GIVEN THEIR MEALS FOR FREE. DESPITE THE FACT THAT VICTIM'S FAMILIES STILL HAVE NOT RECEIVED PROMISED AID AND LIFE INSURANCE REIMBURSEMENTS; THE TRULY NEEDY IN OUR SOCIETY, CEO'S, STOCK BROKERS, EXECUTIVES IN GENERAL, WILL BE GIVEN THEIR DUE, POST HASTE! (INCIDENTLY, I UNDERSTAND THE LITIGANTS FROM THE LOVE CANAL ARE STILL WAITING FOR THEIR SETTLEMENTS!) NEXT TO THE MCDONALD'S WILL BE A WAL-MART SUPERSTORE. YOU CAN BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR, YOU WON'T FIND ANY OF 'DEM IMMIGRINTS WORKIN' DERE, BY GOLLY! NO SIRREE! ...AND NONE OF DEM MINORITIES, NEITHER! WALMART IS A PROPER AMERICAN STORE! GOOD OLD AMERICAN MINIMUM WAGE! NO SOCIALIST HEALTH BENEFITS HERE, NO WAY! WE MAKE MONEY THE OLD FASHIONED WAY...WE STEAL IT! THOSE PRICES! HOW DO THEY DO IT? WELL... THOUSANDS OF LITTLE INDONESIAN GIRLS, AGED 5 TO 12, ARE CHAINED AT THE ANKLES AND FORCED TO WORK ON ANTIQUATED, UNSAFE MACHINERY, THAT SEWS SPORTS AND CORPORATE LOGOS ON T-SHIRTS, BALL CAPS, SWEATS, SNEAKERS, PARKAS, ETC. THEY WORK FROM SUN UP TO SUN DOWN. RAIN OR SHINE. SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. FOR THE EQUIVALENT OF ABOUT $.50 A DAY. MAYBE THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THEM "SWEATSUITS" AND "SWEATERS". ONE CAN JUST IMAGINE THEIR BLOODY LITTLE FINGERS TOUCHING OUR CLOTHES! OOOOHH! BY THE WAY, AT 13, ASSUMING THEY LIVE THAT LONG, THEY ARE SOLD INTO WHITE SLAVERY RINGS, PROUDLY SERVICING THE MIDDLE EAST AND ASIA FOR THE LAST 800 YEARS. A LOCAL NEWS BROADCAST, COVERED A STORY ABOUT AN AREA WAL-MART, FORBIDDING THE SALVATION ARMY FROM STANDING IN FRONT OF THEIR STORE. THEIR SPOKEPERSON SAID, "...THE CHANGE USUALLY GIVEN TO THE BELL- RINGERS WOULD BE BETTER SPENT IN THE STORE." YUP! I KID YOU NOT. IF YOU CAUGHT LAST WEEK'S "60 MINUTES", YOU'D RECALL THEIR XMAS SHOPPING STORY. FOR SEVERAL WEEKS, UNDERCOVER REPORTERS SHOPPED FOR THE SAME ITEMS, AT VARIOUS DEPARTMENT STORES. STICKING TO WAL-MART, THEY FOUND THEY WERE OVER CHARGED BY ROUGHLY $27, IN A PARTICULAR WAL- MART. EVEN AFTER RECEIVING RELUCTANT REFUNDS FROM MANAGEMENT AND PROMISES THE ITEMS WOULD BE CORRECTLY PRICED, REPEATED VISITS STILL GARNERED THEM THE SAME OVER-PRICED CHARGES. THAT'S THE AMERICAN WAY! YUP! I DARE YOU TO SHOP AT WAL-MART! NOW LET'S SEE... WE'VE GOT A MCDONALD'S AND A WAL-MART. WHAT'S NEXT? HMMMM. I GOT IT! AN ARMY-NAVY RECRUITING STATION! WHAT COULD BE MORE "US OF A"! TOUGH TALKING DESK JOCKEYS, CHEWING ON "TURD RED" CHAW, ADVISING OUR YOUNG PEOPLE ABOUT A MILITARY CAREER. LEARN HOW TO PILOT TANKS, PUT AN AK-47 TOGETHER IN YOUR SLEEP, SHAVE YOUR BODY HAIR, HOW TO USE HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT TO PUSH BUTTONS AND KILL FACELESS ENEMIES, AVOID FRIENDLY FIRE, OBEY SENSELESS ORDERS FOR THE "GOOD OF THE CORPS", RECOGNIZE UNFRIENDLY MINORITIES, RECOGNIZE FRIENDLY MINORITIES, MAKE WAR UPON THE POOR, AND TELL TALES ABOUT THE BATTLES YOU FOUGHT, FROM THE DANGEROUS TRENCHES OF HOME! LISTEN CAREFULL AS HEAVILY-DECORATED WAR HORSES LIKE STAFF SARGEANT ROCK "KILLER" MAIM, CANDIDLY RELATES THE HORROR STORY OF HIS EXPERIENCES IN A BAR IN DAYTON, OHIO, DURING THE PANAMANIAN CRISIS. MANY STILL TELL THE TALE... "SEE THIS SCAR? HERE, ON MY FOREHEAD. DAT'S WHERE SHE HIT ME. DAMN! WHO'DA THOUGHT A 13-YEAR OLD STUDENT FROM ST. MARY'S CHRISTIAN ACADEMY, COULDA MUSTERED UP THAT MUCH MOXIE! SELLIN' GIRL SCOUT COOKIES, MY ASS! IT WAS 10 AM IN THE MORNIN'! SHE WASN'T THERE FOR COOKIE CHANGE, NO WAY! SHE WAS AFTER MY MILITARY SECRETS. YUP! THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THEM AND I GOT THIS HERE LITTLE MEDAL FOR THAT, TOO!" A SLIGHT SEGUE HERE... DESPITE THE POTENTIAL TRAGEDY FORESTALLED TODAY BY THE TERRORIST PLANNING TO BURN HIS SHOES; I COULDN'T HELP LAUGHING. ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS "FIRESIGN THEATER'S" RUNNING GAGS ABOUT BEING BAREFOOT AND "SHOES FOR INDUSTRY". I FULLY EXPECTED THE IDENTITY OF THE PERPETRATOR TO BE PHIL PROCTOR, OR GLASSMAN, DAVE OSSMAN, OR...HELP ME OUT HERE, GUYS. I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF FANS OUT THERE. DOCTOR MEMORY IS PLAYING TRICKS ON ME AGAIN. JUST WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES? BACK TO THE WTC-9/11... OKAY...NOW NEXT TO THAT RECRUITING STATION, THERE WILL BE AN "OLD NAVY" STORE. (BET YOU SAW THAT ONE COMING!) CLOTHING WITH THEIR DISTINCTIVE LOGOS WILL BE MARKETED BY SALESLADIES THAT RESEMBLE MRS. THURSTON HOWELL FROM GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. THIS WAY THEY CAN HIRE SENIORS WHO CANNOT AFFORD TO LIVE ON THEIR LONG-LOST & STOLEN PENSIONS & INSECURITY CHECKS. BECAUSE OF THEIR "SPECIAL" STATUS, THEY CAN BE HIRED AT THE STATE'S "TRAINING WAGE", SAVING THE STORE AT LEAST A FEW HUNDRED DOLLARS, EVERY YEAR. OF COURSE, THEY'LL HAVE TO FIRE THEM AFTER SIX MONTHS, SO TO REPLACE THEM WITH "NEW FACES". IF THEY KEEP THEM ON THE PAYROLL LONGER THAN THAT, THEY'LL HAVE TO PAY THE FULL MINMUM WAGE. FORTUNATELY, MOST OF THEM WILL "PASS AWAY" DURING THIS PERIOD, AGAIN SAVING THE COMPANY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS! OLD NAVY, MUCH AS WAL-MART, SAVES TONS OF MONEY, BY PURCHASING THEIR STOCK FROM OTHER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES. ANOTHER STORE SUGGESTED WAS "THOM MCHAN". VERY HANDY. ONE MAY REGISTER TO VOTE FOR THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE OF YOUR CHOICE, WHILE CONVENIENTLY, TRYING ON A NEW PAIR OF PENNY LOAFERS! "WHILE BROWSING, DON'T FORGET TO VISIT THEIR NEW ORDINANCE DEPARTMENT. WE'RE BLOWING AWAY OUR COMPETITION! JUST LOOK AT THESE PRICES! THIS WEEK ONLY, BUY ONE SHOE AND GET THE OTHER ONE ABSOLUTELY FREE! THE PANTY HOSE IS ON SALE FOR ALL OF YOU BUDDING TRANSVESTITES. NEVER SQUAT AGAIN! NOW YOU CAN STAND PROUDLY, RIGHT ALONG SIDE THE BIG BOYS!" BY THE WAY, SHOULDN'T THESE COMPANIES BE PAYING US FOR WEARING THEIR CORPORATE LOGOS ON OUR CLOTHING? ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL THING? ...THIS CAPITALISM? PERHAPS THIS IS WHAT THE TARGET OF THOSE THREE FATEFUL AIRCRAFT REALLY WAS...