"B-MOVIE MISSIVES" (I HAVE SELECTED A COUPLE OF "B-MOVIE" THREADS THAT I FELT MIGHT BE OF INTEREST TO MY READERS. I PRINT THE CONTRIBUTIONS OF MY FELLOWS ON THE LIST, AS THEY SUBMITTED THEM. I APOLOGIZE FOR SPELLING ERRORS AND MIXED IDIOMS. MANY ON THE LIST ARE FROM OUTSIDE THE USA AND PREY TO BAD TRANSLATION SOFTWARE. I HAVE ENJOYED THE COMADERIE OF THOSE ON THIS LIST FOR OVER A YEAR NOW.) FIRST THREAD: THE WORST FILMS OF RECENT YEARS From: Stephan To: Bad_Movies@yahoogroups.com Sent: Monday, April 09, 2001 10:48 AM Subject: Re: [Bad_Movies] So bad it's bad My pick for worst BAD movie goes to.. National Lampoon's Last Resort.. As far as I know every National Lampoon movie I saw was not meant for me (with the exception of Animal House) but this one was by far the worst film I have ever seen...Starring Corey Haim and Corey Feldman (both of The Lost Boys), acting like they're Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World... ...NO MORE!! Another movie I can do without is The Phanthom Menace, simply because this movie destroyed my childhood memories of the Star Wars saga.. From: Dan Gale To: Sent: Monday, April 09, 2001 12:47 PM Subject: [Bad_Movies] So bad it's bad We all like to talk about our fav bad films, but anyone got a film that they hated BECAUSE it was so bad? Something that went beyond the call of duty? For me it was either Look Who's Talking II (no way man, never again) which was so pointless I nearly cried, either that or a stinker they've put on TV here in the UK a few times, Dracula - Prisoner of Frankenstein (1972), directed by Jess Franco. I've heard others say that even as Franco films go this is piss poor, but I'm no expert on his stuff so I can't comment. Anyone in the UK wants a copy I'll be glad to send it to them; it defeys description. What's your worst bad film ever? Dan MY RESPONSE: WZARDOFODD@adelphia.net http://www.angelfire.com/ny2/wzardofodd/index.html My list of worst films from non "B" resources, would have to start with..."Runaway Bride", "Ghost", "Dirty Dancing", "Lambada", "Look Who's Talking",...follow the trend, and fill, in the blanks! Each of these films has it's own particular onus, but the largest problem facing modern film makers, lies in their need to address the latest fad, or trend, hoping to cater to the lowest common denominator, which is unfortunately the largest, in an effort to make money. Sentimentality drips like a gallon of snot from Jimmy Durante's nose, in hopes of luring "romantically dazzled teenies" of all ages to the theaters with their drunken mysogynistic boyfriends, in desperate hopes of getting them to slap and make up. I tied myself to the easy chair and held a gun to my head, to watch the absolutely ludicrous, stupid, pointless, piece of crap called "Runaway Bride". I nearly pulled the trigger. This is the most over-rated piece of flotsam & jetsom, I have had the misfortune to wretch from the bottom of my cancer-ridden guts, since "Ghost"! I will admit that JRoberts can act (she finally proved it with "Erin Brockovich"), but why, oh why is she the symbol of feminine style? She's not overly talented. She's kinda homely in a nose-hair kind of way. Most of the time she reminds me of that other anorexic American icon, Audrey Hepburn. At least Audrey could wring a performance from her dish rag, assuming she ever had to use one. Richard Gere, cursed with a pretty face, hasn't had a great role since "American Gigolo". I forgot "An Officer & A Gentleman" which narrowly misses the very case I plead. Perhaps it's time he became a news anchor for his local NBC affiliate, or go back to being a clothes horse for GQ. And the deppest cut of all, this film was popular! Which is why we are constantly assailed by this crap year after year. I went to the theater, during the run of "Ghost". My lady friend insisted, despite my protestations, I broke down and acquiesced. She was mooning over Swayze's "good" looks and charm, and I was frankly bored to death with an alleged ghost story. After the film, we had an enormous arguement over the film. She loved it. I hated it. A year later, she bought the video and asked me to explain to her what I thought was wrong with the film. I sat down with her on the couch. We each sipped Chardonney. Before the film was over, we had gone through the entire bottle. After explaining the plot holes, the inconsistancies, the missed moments, and the overall idiocies of the film, she finally understood. After explaining to her why the casting sucked (except Vincent Schiavelli), why the music sucked, and why this film just... well, sucked, she came around. ..She smashed the empty bottle over my head, and stormed out. The last time I saw her, she was fat with three bratty kids, married to a garage mechanic, ironing faded t-shirts with a Salem dripping a half inch ash onto wilted breasts, screaming profanities at the world that swept by her. But she had her copy of smothering sentimentality. She had her "Ghost". She never had a ghost of a chance! I'm so happy that I'm different. I'm so happy my tastes are a tad more eclectic. Now let's watch something good! Like "Six String Samurai"! Forgive me. I had to get that off my breasts, er chest... Wayne "The Wizard of Odd" Brown SECOND THREAD: MAY THE FARCE BEE WITH YOU! From: TarsTherat@aol.com To: b-movie@yahoogroups.com Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2001 11:53 PM Subject: [b-movie] A Wax Submarine Filled With Bees ps - I dont know about you, but if _I_ saw a submarine made of beeswax heading towards me, I'd go for the bugspray! Say, maybe that's how the Abyss aliens saw it too! "We're on course to Undersea City, sir....Holy CRAP!" "What is it, helmsman?" "I, I, I dunno, sir! It's like--the only way to describe it, it's like a wax submarine filled with bees! And it's right in our path!" "Oh my God, ready the weapons!" It's too bad George Pal is dead, I think he could make a great puppettoon about a wax submarine filled with bees. Tars MY RESPONSE: WZARDOFODD@adelphia.net http://www.angelfire.com/ny2/wzardofodd/index.html ...ALRIGHT...YOU ASKED FOR IT!... HOP IN, THE WATER'S SWARM! -WHAT'S THAT BUZZ? TELL ME WHAT'S A HAPPENIN'! BZZZ-NEY STUDIOS HAS DONE IT AGAIN! -AUDIENCES WILL SWARM TO THE LATEST "FEEL-SORE" HIT OF THE SUMMER! -A WHOLE NEW CONCEPT IN "B-MOVIES"! FILMED IN 3-B! FEATURING A CAST OF THOUSANDS! -COMB MEANEY, B BERNADETTE, STING - FROM THE WWF, STING - FROM THE POLICE, BUZZ ALDRIN, AND DABNEY COLEMAN AS "AUNT BEE"! JEFFREY COMBS, LAWRENCE WELTS, DEBRA STINGER, SORE HEYARDAHL, AND MORE!!! -"ABANDON SHIP! PUT ON YOUR YELLOW JACKETS!" -SCRIPTED BY HIVE BARKER! FROM A TREATMENT BY WASP WHITMAN! -MUSIC BY POOH HEAR THEIR BREAK-OUT HIT: "SMOKE GETS IN YOUR HIVE" ON "BD" NOW! JUST THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES! WE COULD GET MICHAEL CAINE OUT OF RETIREMENT AND CALL IT "THE SWARM II" OR "THE SWIMMING SWARM" OR "THE COMB OF JACQUES COUSTEAU" OR "STINGER" OR "BEE HUNT" OR "A TASTE OF DAMP HONEY" OR "THE DROWNING BEES" OR "SONAR DRONE" OR "WASP WATERS" OR "SHIP OF WAX" OR "SILENT BUZZING" OR "HONEY WET" OR "VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BEES" OR "DEEP APIARY" OR "THE BEES FROM 20,000 FATHOMS" OR "20,000 STINGS UNDER THE SEA" OR... "QUICK GET HIM WITH THE GUN! NOT THAT ONE, YOU FOOL! THE ONE WITH THE AMMUNITION! YOU KNOW...THE ONE WITH THE BB'S! HURRY UP BEFORE HE WRITES ANOTHER ONE..." ...LAYING IN A POOL OF TINY MOLTEN BRASS... ER, THINGEES... Wayne "The Wizard of Odd" Brown