TASKERLESS BILLS 7
ARM PITS 13
PLAY OF THE GAME
Cordell Stewart, takes a pitchout from Neal O'Donnell and tosses a 60-yard bomb that is tipped and he races down in time to catch the deflection and race into the endzone for the Steelers only touchdown.
HIT OF THE GAME
Kevin Green, his hair flowing down his back, gets past John Fina and levels Jim Kelly with a blast that cracks two of Jimbo's ribs. Green then gets into a fight with Reuben Brown and knocks out Brown's two front teeth. A couple Bills fans jump out the stands, streak unclad across the field and join the melee. Green takes one look at the crazed, naked Bills fans, and starts bellowing with laughter. He develops stomach cramps because of his uncontrollable laughter and has to leave the game.
MARV'S MAXIMS
Marv prances up to the podium sporting an army helmet and smoking a cigar. "I am very proud of my troops today. Today they showed courage in the face of an omnipotent enemy. The Steelers are a dominant team and could very well end up in the Super Bowl. But we definitely needed Brian Cox on the opposite side of the ball to get my men as motivated as they were last week. Brian always brings the best out in us, whether it is his shooting the bird, shooting his mouth off or spitting like a snake. I wish all our opponents had a Brian Cox! It would make my job a hell of a lot easier. But, alas, I had to give my troop that old "Snickers Pep Talk" before the game, and they all got canker sores from eating all that candy. I think next year, I'm going to make chocolate popsicles in the image of Brian Cox and call them Cox Suckers. Maybe that will get my men energized."
TED'S COLTS 23
UNRAVELED BILLS 3
PLAY OF THE GAME:
Marshall Falk plows through the middle of the Bills line, dragging Bruce Smith with him all the way on a 76 yard touchdown run. When he reaches the end zone, Falk spikes Bruce like a football and then takes him home for a souvenir.
HIT OF THE GAME:
Ted Marchibroda kicks Ralph Wilson in the head as Wilson offers to shake Ted's hand at game's end. Ol' Ralph falls to the ground with his head bleeding, but he comes up again swinging at Ted and the two go at it for 45 minutes before Chuck Dickerson breaks it up, saying "Ted, I know that Ralph is a cheap SOB, but kicking him isn't the answer. Get your own radio talk show and you can blast him to shreds!"
BEST QUOTE:
JIM KELLY - "Last week, I couldn't get the offense going with the standard huddle, 2-back offense. This week, I'm going to blame it on my baby girl who kept me up all last night."
MARV'S MAXIMS
Marv enters the Conference Rooms after the game to a crowd of cheering reporters. He's sporting a tuxedo and has a live snake in his mouth. He spits out the snake onto Larry Felser and begins his oration. "There has been a lot of controversy this past week over offensive strategy - whether to go 'no-huddle' or not. I've told you guys time and time again that offensive game plans and half-time adjustments are MEANINGLESS! Don't you realize that it is EXECUTION, not well thought out strategies which win football games? You can't seem to get this fact through your thick skulls. Jimbo thinks that he is much more proficient running the no-huddle. BALDERDASH!!! He just doesn't want to learn the conventional offensive system again. I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Jimbo has got to settle down and not think of it as a different offense. It's like the wisdom I passed on to General Eisenhower just before the Allied Forces invaded Normandy: 'Just give your forces one thought to concentrate on, one MOTTO, and go from there. Don't let them think about any alternatives ... keep them focused on one goal and one goal only: VICTORY!' Dwight took my advice to heart and look how history turned out.
"Now, gentlemen, I have a startling revelation for you," Marv blurted out, bringing out a gym bag. He opened it up and pulled out a pair of black gloves. "O.J. is a close friend of mine and we used to have a lot of conversations when he was doing work for NBC. These gloves I have here are ones I bought in England when the Bills played a preseason game a few years ago. At the time, I bought ten pairs. They were specially made and are of much better quality than the standard Aris Isotoners sold in America. I gave a pair to O.J. when he was covering the Bills-Raiders AFC Championship game. O.J. has suffered enough! I just happened to be in L.A. during the week that this horrible tragedy took place, in fact, I rented a white Ford Bronco to get around in. And now, I will reveal the most shocking item." At that, Marv pulled out a knife, the exact size and style as the missing one in the Nicole Brown Simpson murder case. He slipped on his gloves, grabbed the knife and leaped from the podium like a punk rocker into a mosh pit. Larry Felser grabbed the wildly swinging Marv in mid-air, wrestled him to the ground and tied his wrist with the snake Marv had spit on him earlier in the press conference. Marv's last statement, before being carted away by the Orchard Park police was,"I did it for you, Nicole! If I couldn't have you, O.J. couldn't!"
BILLIES 13
BROWNIES 24
PLAY OF THE GAME:
Andre Rison catches an 80 yard bomb from Vinnie Testaverde late in the game to seal the Bills fate and Andre runs up the steps of ancient Cleveland Municipal Stadium and does a dance in the Dog Pound while singing "Left Eye is Burning Down My House!" * "Left Eye is a singer with the group TLC.
HIT OF THE GAME:
Byrce Paup hits Vinnie in the back with a terrifying hit that sends Vinnie to the sidelines for two series. After which, Vinnie sails a 100 mph bullet off Bryce's head knocking him out for the game.
BEST QUOTE:
THURMAN THOMAS - "I'm getting sick and tired of all you fans and sports writers saying that my skills are diminishing and that I'm all washed up. You can take your writing utensils and stick them where the sun doesn't shine. I gained 43 yards tonight on 56 carries and that says a lot for my stamina. No other back in this league could get humiliated so many times in one game!"
MARV'S MAXIMS
Marv prods into the Conference Rooms after the game to a hostile environment of jeering reporters. He's wearing a juggler's outfit and is juggling ten footballs at once. He steps up to the podium and lets the footballs fall on Larry Felser's head. "Cleveland is great city. From across the water, the city can be seen in all its omnipotence. The tall structures loom before you, teeming with life. You can see the stacks pouring smoke into the atmosphere, which forms a toxic cloud that hangs low over and shrouds the entire metropolis. This dark cloud of deadly fumes has been lingering for days in the late summer's heat and humidity. From far out on the water, you can now imagine what it's like to breathe that air. The poisoned ether embalms the city and leaves those poor fans in the Dog Pound gasping for a fresh breeze. But for now, one must sail away from this stagnant hub of life and head for a land where the stars shine - TORONTO!"
Stinky Slimy Dead Fish 28
TASK ATTACK 13
PLAY OF THE GAME
Dan Marino hands off to Irvin Friar on the reverse, who then throws a pitchout back to Marino, who then lets loose of a 65 yard bomb to O.J. McDuffie for the winning touchdown. Snowballs come hailing down from the stands as McDuffie rifles the ball off a belligerent Bills fan's head.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Don Shula: "Stories of my demise have been greatly exaggerated! This team is just starting to jell at the right time. I'm sure all you Buffalonians are use to thrashing players and coaches, and that's what I've been experiencing in Miami. This feels great! To shove the criticisms back into your faces is sweet revenge.
OBSCENE GESTURE OF THE WEEK
When Brian Cox is introduced to the crowd of 80,000, he is given jeers by the Bills fans all of which are wearing 6 foot tall neck supports with a giant middle finger sticking out of the tops. Cox then shoots the moon at the taunting crowd and he promptly gets pelted with a snowball attack and cannot play the game because of a frozen ass!
MARV'S MAXIMS
Marv trots up to the podium bouncing a basketball. He zips a pass off to Larry Felser, who then slam dunks the ball which is positioned near the far corner of the conference room. "Great shot Larry. Now I know what you're good for! The game today was a sloppy mess. The winds were blowing off Lake Erie and producing lake effect squalls. For a change, the Dolphins handled the weather better than us! We couldn't hold onto the ball (4 fumbles) and Kelly couldn't throw into that snow hurricane. But there are no excuses! My men are professionals and should perform like pros, not like a bunch of clowns which they played like today. The real heros in today's world are not the football stars, but the policemen, the firemen and the snow plow operators. You don't see snow plow operators fumbling and bumbling like the Bills were today. These men get paid pennies compared to my overpaid Fat Cats, and the lifeline of the city depends on these guys plowing the streets and getting traffic moving again. Elderly people and medical emergencies are very dependant on clear streets. I think my soldiers should donate half of their pay to these dedicated workers and the other professionals in which society directly depends on! Pro Sports is a TRAVESTY! Everything is upside down in this society! Teachers, firemen and snowplow operators deserve the high pay, not kickers and running backs." With that, Marv takes out a hankie and blows his nose. He then throws it at Felser, and it lands in his gapping mouth. With that, Felser spits out the hankie and wipes off his chin with his sleeve.
TENNESSEE TUXEDOS 14
SUBSTITUTE BILLS 16
PLAY OF THE GAME
Steve Tasker, playing all the offensive positions except on the line, takes the snap, hands off to himself, who then pitches back to himself, who then throws a 40 yard pass to himself. Tasker then fakes out 6 defenders and drags two 265 pound linebackers into the end zone with him for the winning touchdown.
HIT OF THE GAME
Steve Tasker, helping out in the depleted secondary, puts a wicked hit on Haywood Jeffires, stripping him of the ball. Tasker also sacks Air McNair on a safety blitz, makes two interceptions and 17 solo tackles.
MARV'S MAXIMS
Marv came out for his press conference sporting a red outfit and a red pointed cap. "Ho, ho, ho... Happy Post Season! 'Twas the night before the playoffs and all through the locker room, not a creature was bickering, not even a Thomas. The helmets were hung from the lockers with care, in hopes that Super Bowl rings soon would be there. The players checks were nestled all snug in the bank, while visions of free agency danced in their heads. Out on the field there arose such a clatter, I ripped off my head set to see what was the matter. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a positive article by Larry Felser. With a pen so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be a trick. More rapid than eagles, the blitzers came. The fans whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: "Now Bruuuuuuuce! Now Biscuit! Now Bryce and Jeffcoat!" Over the linemen, to on top of the quarterback! Our foes hopes are dashed away, dashed away, dashed away all! Thurman sprang through the line, to his team gave a whistle, and away he flew towards the end zone like down on a thistle. But I heard him exclaim when he scored the TD, 'We're Super Bowl bound and this time I'll be MVP!' "
Still Stinky Slimy Frozen Fish 21
SNOWBOUND BILLS 10
PLAY OF THE GAME
On the opening series, Kelly goes back to pass and is blind-sided by Brian Cox, who puts a punishing blow on Jimbo, knocking him out. Cox then triumphantly beats his chest, and flashes the bird to the jeering crowd. He then runs over to the unconscious Kelly and spits in his ear and then starts kicking him in the groin. Carwell Gardner races over to Kelly's defense, and once again the two heavy weights go at it. Rob Ray jumps out of the stands and joins in the fracas. Cox rips off Ray's jersey in a matter of 2 seconds! Ray hits Cox over the head with a hockey stick, but it doesn't do any damage on his thick skull. Both squads join the skirmish, and the police have to intervene. The game is delayed an hour and a half until 10 players are arrested and hauled off to jail.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Brian Cox: "I decided to finally give an interview to you F...... creeps! You can take all your bleeping snow and your bleeping fans and shove them where the sun doesn't shine! Buffalo is a bleeping one-horse town and doesn't even deserve a bleeping football team! The Bills didn't deserve to win that last bleeping game in which I was bleeping ejected along with that bleeping Gardner who is a bleeping bleep if I ever saw a bleeping bleep! He is a son of a bleep and is also a M..... Bleeper! OK, you bleeping jerks, I've given you enough of my bleeping wisdom and bleeping time so get the bleep out of here!
OBSCENE GESTURE OF THE WEEK
When Brian Cox is introduced to the crowd of 80,000, he is driven out in a bullet-proof limo with a huge Jack-In-The -Box on top of the roof. When the car reaches the 50-yard line, the Cox-In-The-Box pops open and a Brian Cox clown jumps out shooting the bird, and spitting in all directions. Finally, the rear door of the limo opens and the real Cox dashes over to the Dolphins bench. Cox is hit with a snowball and proceeds to jump into the stands and urinates on ten traumatized, wet fans.
MARV'S MAXIMS
Marv bounces up to the podium on a pogo stick. "Today was a rough day out there, as we got carried away with the Brian Cox fiasco and couldn't concentrate on the game. This was a good year, considering all the injuries and the very low expectations given us by you reporters. And now I have a little song to sing to you reporters. Here is my opinion on you guys:"
Marv picks up his electric guitar and belts out this song to the tune of "All Along the Watch Tower." "You smash my creation with your relentless inflection, smothering at will my flame of expression. Words are your swords to tear my pride; from their abuse there's nowhere to hide! The censorship of ideas cloaks my esteem. Your discerning criticisms pierce our dream. Sitting high upon your pedestal of disdain, you search for anything in which to complain. Pointing your finger at me, trying to put me to shame, you're actually hiding your faults, for you're the ones to blame! It's better to take your little pokes at Brian Cox, and not this wise old fox. Just remember, next time you've got complaints to sing, I'll laugh last when I get my Super Bowl ring!"
Copyright © 1999 Wild Bills' Prognostications, all rights reserved
