I was online doing my usual stuff, checking this, updating that . . . actually, it was kinda neat. I was e-mailing my ten-year-old cousin in Calgary about whatever. It was neat, because I hadn't heard from him in a while through e-mail. What else was cool was that he had a new address that was his and not his dad's. Yeah, I have a cool little cousin . . . . .
Suddenly out of the blue (well, not really, but ya know what I mean) I get "uh-oh'ed" from a person. It was Val', an old high school and current university friend.
Hey, how's it going?
Hi-low. I'm just e-mailin' my cuz in Calg'. You?
Just came on to do some stuff…
Heh, yeah, gotta love stuff, huh?
Yeah…so how're you and Corin doing?
(ALWAYS asks that! Always!)
Oh, I dunno . . . . . what did I tell you last time?
Um…okay, I want you to listen, I'm going to bear some bad news, but I'll try to be gentle, okay?
. . I'm listenin' . . . . .
(Oh crap . . . am NOT looking forward to this next message . . . . .)
Okay…um…..okay, you know how you've been building that relationship with Corin? Well…she told me she isn't exactly ready for it yet…and that she'd like some time away from all the building…I'm paraphrasing, of course.
(Well . . . needless to say this wasn't a message I was hoping to get . . . also, I could never help but notice how constraining ICQ was with these sorts of matters. You can't express anything!)
. . . . . . . darnit.
I don't want to be mean, and neither does she…she's just really not up to it…that's sort of why she asked me to tell you…I hope you don't mind…
(Again, lack of expression through typed words . . .)
. . . no, no I don't mind. I can understand where she's coming from . . . . . heh, and you got caught in the middle of it all, huh?
Kind of…I just really don't want this to get ugly, because you're both my friends.
Well, I don't think there should be any fear of things getting ugly - we're all relatively mature people, aren't we?
Feelings could turn treacherous…
True, true . . . . . but that could happen in any sitch', couldn't it?
Yeah, that's true…..I hope I didn't come out too harsh…but I can only soften the blow so much…..:(
Aw, don't feel that way . . . not that I have a very big frame of reference, but you seem pretty good at this stuff. I do feel kinda bad that you had to get caught up in this all, though . . . that's really unfair to you . . . . .
No, don't feel that way.
Alright, just as long as you do the same.
Well, even if I try not to, I'm gonna be stuck thinking about this stuff…I think it's really unfair how the situation turned around on you guys like that…still, I don't want you to take it hard…I mean, you're a nice guy, and there's lots of girls at the campus…
(Oh, she's gotta be kidding me . . . . .)
Yes, because now I will revert to my super-swingin'-mackin' persona like in high school, right?
…Another possible future, isn't it?
Val', that is SO not my style! But honestly, don't worry about me. I'm a big boy, I can handle myself. I'm sure things'll be normal.
Okay…..hey, if you need someone to talk to, you know I'll be here, right?
I'll keep it in mind . . . . . but anyhow, a brother needs the computer, so we'll hafta chat another day.
Okay…take care, kay?
I wouldn't know any other way. 'Night.
Well, needless to say, I slept about half an hour of worthwhile 3rd and 4th stage sleep. As for the one spot of REM sleep, well . . . not my preferred REM material (and you'll have to excuse the psyc. lingo; sleep stuff still fresh in my head).
But yeah, This was one night that DEFINITELY could have been better . . . . . I mean, what a shock! Actually . . . . . really I wasn't all too shocked. For the past month or so, Corin and I had really only had about ten minutes together every week due to classes and whatnot. Every week I'd wait outside her building, wondering what her response would be. Every week my faith in everything would be reaffirmed as she'd give my arm a quick squeeze. Still, every week I would fear that the academic life would eventually grab the personal life by the nuts . . . looks like it happened.
Ya know, it's funny how eagerly I was willing to say I didn't mind it all. Really, it was only after I was tossing back and forth, staring at my ceiling that I realised that I heard this through a mutual friend - AND through stupid faceless ICQ! That's like, four times removed! So yeah, didn't sleep a wink . . . . .
Really, I still don't quite understand it all. So Val' had told me that "she isn't ready for it yet". Since then I have analysed that bit so many times. In one sense, she's doing what Gavin did a long time ago. I recall he had a "serious" girlfriend that he dumped after he realised how seriously scared he was of commitment and stuff - considering Gavin, I was kinda surprised at that. I mean, this is Gavin! This guy loves girls! And he turned one down! I tell ya, right there went my whole belief system . . . well, a piece of it, at least . . . . .
But yeah, morning finally came after hours and hours of non-sleep. I did the whole routine-thing and somehow two hours later I was at school. Oh, believe me, it wasn't that quick either . . . 'twas a very long bus ride - way longer than usual. Ironic twist when I get there, actually. Another old friend of mine told me to meet up with another old friend who had just got back in town from overseas whom I'd only been e-mailing for the past while . . . . . ya know what? This is getting muddled. I'll cut to the point: that afternoon, I met up with all these people, the old overseas friend saw me, ran up to me, gave me a hug, and said, "Ernie, I can't wait to see Corin!"
Yeah, I can't wait to see Corin too . . . . . no joke, that's what I said to her. I don't think she knew at the time . . . not that she should have or anything . . . . .
But yeah, if anyone had noticed that Wednesday that I wasn't walking around with some so-called sparkle in my eye (some person had told me I had one, apparently), they weren't letting on. I just kept to myself more or less - unless I had to interact with people, in which case the mask would fly on and I'd be all chippy and stuff . . . hey, I don't wanna be one of those mopey bastards that walk around looking for sympathy. I want you all to remember that: I don't want sympathy - ever.
Rest of the day went by quickly enough. Got back on the bus, slept, woke up, called the mother, got on the train, stood, got off the train, got into the mother's car, went home. Save the radio and her regular banter, it was kinda quiet in the car - yeah, like I'm gonna tell my mom about my troubles.
Well, I think it's fair enough to say that I knew that I HAD to talk to Corin! I had to know what was going on with all the stuff . . . thank God she was online that night. As I clicked the various buttons and names, I knew this was different. In general I don't message anyone for at least a few minutes after I come online - I dunno, probably some kind of pride thing or something. But yeah, I came on and messaged her as quickly as I could . . .
Cor', can we talk?
Oh, uh… hi… sure…
Actually, I mean in person. Frankly, ICQ's really starting to piss me off. When do you have spare time at all tomorrow?
…Since when have you been going to school on Thursday?
Since about last month. I've got creative writing, plus it gives me somewhere to study.
I have a couple hours free at noon…
Okay. How about the plaza by the new library at one?
Outside the library at one? Okay…
Alright. Thanks.
And that was that. That was the last message I sent her for a while or so. No "g'night" or "see ya later" or anything. I just went off after that. I mean, I'm sure I still mumbled "g'night" under my breath as I turned off the computer, but that's kinda sad and sick, so we're just gonna forget I did that. But yeah, all the "what am I going to say?" and "what am I going to do?" questions popped up in my head quickly, and I went off to yet another wonderful night of not-sleep.
