Vanilla,The Norm, Husband and Wife...you name it...
The norm...hmmm, what is the basic definition? It's the most common of relationships between a man and woman. Vanilla, the norm, marriage...they all mean the same, but just because it is the common does not mean there aren't other types. One thing that I have discovered these past few years is the many ways we can have relationships with others.
In the average marriage, each partner is working towards a common goal of having kids, a home, and college funds. This is a goal-oriented relationship. You want to pay the bills, work for retirement, and when the kids are all grown, then you want to do all that you couldn't when you were younger. This is a wonderful setup, but it also leaves the door wide open for disaster.
I could go on and on about the 'wrongs' we do in a relationship, but I think I would rather offer some words that may touch base with you and help open you to new ideas about your relationship and your own sexual limits.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I am unlike many married women that you may talk to as I freely give my husband freedom to do what would make him happy. I will never hinder him from any idea, need or want. Don't get me wrong here, as he gives to me many things. That's what makes my decision to allow him any freedom so easy. I have never discouraged him in any way. I have supported his every decision as he has both of our interests at heart. We may not have much in this world in material things, but what we have is a commodity that I know is rarer than gold. There is nothing I appreciate more then my husband, son and marriage. I have pride in all three as I know how hard we have worked in achieving what we have.
We have taken the strides necessary to seek what it was in our hearts and souls that needed to be answered. My greatest wish for everyone is for them to find the kind of depths that he and I have regarding our love, respect and honor for each other
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Too many relationships are based on friendship or the need for a family and stable surroundings. In my opinion, there has to be a deep, mutual commitment to love, passion, honesty and a trust that compares to no other. Passion in any relationship is what keeps the fires burning as they say. But knowing what it is and acting on it are two different things. Passion for your significant other is the life source right next to love and open communication in my book. For without those three things, what is your relationship based on???
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Some little secrets that I have based my marriage on are:
Shower the man with admiration for who he is.
In my eyes, my husband is the greatest man there is. In return he has given me the type of love I never thought possible.
Respect and honor each other.
We respect each other not only for the lifestyle we have chosen to live, but because of who we have both grown into.
Commuicate--communicate--communicate.
I can't even begin to tell you the importance of this. And I am not referencing the type of discussions you have over your morning coffee! I am talking about offering the other person the opportunity to express what they feel within their minds and hearts. My husband and I can talk about ANYTHING to each other. Whether it's about a problem at work, a memory of something from our past all the way to that beautiful brunette that past us on the side walk. The idea here is to not let the other person feel put off by baring their souls to you.
Be their partner in life.
That means to be a part of them too. There is a reason why many of us seek the company of someone else that 'understands' us...as the old cliche for having an affair goes. It's because the person that we felt we could love and trust enough to marry has not provided us with the opportunity needed to grow and express our thoughts.
There has to be honesty in the relationship.
How can you grow as a couple if you do not believe a word they say to you. In our marriage, I had told a whopper lie when we first met. To this day I sometimes am questioned on an incident as I planted a seed of doubt in his mind. I don't mean to say that he does not trust me, and fear our growth as a couple due to this. It's just that on occasion, if there is something I have done in this relationship to regret...this is it. This is our only struggle as what I had done in our beginning almost cost us the opportunity of a lifetime to be together. I have worked hard on this subject and have proven worthy of the trust he does give to me, but I would not have to work so darn hard had I been honest in the first place. (I claimed to have been an available woman when we had met when in fact, I was obligated to another. Boy did THAT get me in a heap of trouble three ways!)
Last but far from least is have an active sex life.
By all means be adventuresome! It doesn't matter if you're 18 or 80, 100 pounds or 300...you are attractive to at least one person in this world, so take advantage of it. Venture into your wild side, try new things, buy some toys.....there's a whole world of things to try if you would just open yourself up to new ideas!
In my first marriage, the wildest thing we ever did was have sex on his motorcycle--it's hard, trust me! But within THIS marriage, our mind and bodies are playgrounds of ideas. Try something new, not all the time if that is not something usual in your relationship as you will probably be stirring up a lot of questions as to what's going on...but start off with simple little things and advance from there. I'm telling you--there is nothing like being adventurous! I have done things just within this past year that would shock a lot of you, but I enjoyed each and every one of them!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sex
We don't get married with the preconceived notion that we are going to become mundane for the rest of our lives, we marry to have a life long relationship filled with love. I am a firm believer that sex is a VERY important aspect of a marriage. Without it, you may as well just have a pet for company. I mean, by being sexually active in your relationship you are not only connecting with your partner, you bond in a very special way.
For me, sex is the ultimate gift I can give to my husband. I will never deny him any sexual want he may have regardless if I am in the mood or not. Oh, I try at times by asking for a day off now and then, but I still give in. Why? Because it's not only the duty of the wife, (in my opinion), but also a compliment to me that he finds satisfaction in the ways I please him instead of him looking for it elsewhere. I feel that there is no reason why I should ever withhold anything from him, especially sex. It's my pleasure to be able to please him. In my opinion, there are too many people that withhold sex for one reason or another and this is wrong.
***A man usually has a physical desire for sex every 24 hours. Through the day, he has a sexual thought every 20 minutes. It is for the wife to submit to her husband's needs if at all possible unless there is a physical or emotional illness that can not allow this. This is not a sacrifice, for I believe that the wife will find pleasure in her submitting to him through sexual activities. Men appreciate the "gift" she is giving him. A man's pride is directly related to his sex and a man who is low and depressed or lacking self confidence will be bolstered by a strong physical relationship with his wife.***
I believe in these words strongly. This is the back bone for the success of my own marriage.
***A sexually submissive woman will reap great rewards in obtaining the kind of husband she wants to have. She will find that he is more caring, more considerate, and more affectionate.***
This may sound mean or hurtful to some, but I say to those that HAVE had cheating spouses that maybe, had you wanted to know what your partner needed, had you taken a step away from the children, the bills or what have you, if you would have not been 'lazy' in the relationship, maybe---just maybe the affair would not have happened.
By the way, please don't let your only response be, "wait until something like that happens to me before I say anything." As my own personal opinion to that is, I know I provide for my husband all that he wants and needs. But if he STILL feels the need to adventure outside of our marriage, I say go for it. I know that I sometimes get too wrapped up in my own dealings of life at times, so if he would like to enjoy the company of another woman, I have and will profess on a continuous basis that I have no problem with it.
He HAS ventured outside of our marriage, mostly to get a break from me, (trust me, I am quite a handful and headache at times!). When we were still in the getting to know each other stage, he approached me for my opinion on this. I told him that if I did not truly love the man I as with, I would have no problem with it. We took this attitude I had and fine tuned it equally to fit into our marriage. I have encouraged him to at least go out on the town or have coffee with another woman. I feel that it not only brings him home with tons of affection for me, but it also releases something in him as a man. I do not expect alot of people to agree with me, as I have stated earlier, this is something that works for us.
I have spoken on a few boards and forums regarding my own opinions of men having affairs and how I am OK with the whole idea. The responses I received were the men stood behind me 100% and the women were the ones with the issues. About 10 years ago, I had a grand total of five affairs (the men were the married ones, I was divorced). The complaints I heard most often were they could not be open and honest with thier wives about many things. They said they loved their wives and would never leave them, they just wished thier wives were more open to trying new things sexually, (we did many things thier wives were absolutely against). They wanted to be able to talk to thier wives about whatever was on thier mind. I would sometimes just be there and be thier listening ear. If my husband decided to have a one night stand, fine...no problem, but if it turned into a long term thing, then there was something I was neglecting on providing for him.
WE have decided though, if I liked the woman he has chosen or if I have chosen a woman for him...then yes, he may have a long term relationship with her. See, I know to many this is wrong. If this sort of thing happened in my first marriage, I would have had a heart attack. But there is just something so special that my husband and I have, that I truly do not feel at all upset about the whole subject. What does upset me though is how so many people ruin a good relationship by not wanting to understand this issue all together.By me giving my husband this freedom, he has been with a few women and only once did he actually go so far as to have sex with, but that was something the three of us had agreed on well in advance.The first woman he ever met, I was so upset about. It really upset me because we didn't discuss it through, he just made all the plans with her and THEN told me about it. We resolved this issue with an idea I had, that he agreed to. If there is a woman that he has an interest in, I need to know about it. I don't care if she knows about me or not, but I DO want to know about her. If he wants to have a relationship with her, (sexually or not), it needs to be discussed before he makes any plans. Never, ever can he make plans or do anything with a woman, even meeting her, without discussing it with me first. In our relationship, his may be the ultimate decision, but on this subject, these are the rules that he and I agreed to.
For myself, all that I ask is that one day I want to be with a woman. Not a woman that only wants to be with me, but one that I can be with and so can he. I would prefer a long term relationship like this, but this is just a want that I have, and he is fully aware of it.
Boy did I get way off the subject here! Sorry about that, but as you can see, I stand behind my decisions very strongly and have openly admitted that my choices are just that....my choices and I do not expect everyone to be in agreeance with me.
The point is, I say, work hard at what you really want in life, don't settle for less and most importantly, share a life long relationship that will satisfy the needs and wants for both of you a long, long time.
Use your imagination, grow together in all ways and take the love the two of you have and advance it to a level that is so intense that your relationship will not get stale.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Are there times that one of you wants to have sex and the other doesn't? This is true for many. But in my own opinion, I have my days too, but we still have sex of one sort or another on a daily basis. I am delighted to know that he craves me for whatever I offer him. Does this mean that it won't change someday? No, but I have confidence that I have created an opportunity for him to seek me before he seeks another. I personally may not be at all in the mood when I am approached by him, but the knowledge that he is sexually aroused turns me on.
During my last marriage, sex was missionary mostly and usually done every three months like clock work. There were no sparks, no wild rendesvous, it was mostly just for release on his part. I vowed to make this marriage better. I have taken the steps to make his life with me an adventure. We have sex in the most awkward of places at times, (stores, restaraunts..the car!) I have been able to orgasm repeatedly with each one of our escapades, (this was something I only read about in my first marriage).
I have bought books on techniques, researched the web and put every idea to the test. I guess you could say my husband is my sexual guinea pig at times *smile*. But this is what I mean. Add some spark or a new little twist to something you already do. You would be surprised how the little things you change can make a world of difference.
Making any changes in your relationship is not going to be easy, as it is all trial and error. And don't expect a whole new partner by any of these changes. Just make your mind up to get out of the mundane.
Then there are those that DO try to expand themselves, but it's short lived or only lived out for the moment. The need for excitement is there, just not acted on very often. If you committ yourself to get out of the relationship rut that we all fall into at times, then keep that going. Don't give up after the first thing fails. Try and try again. Be patient with your partner also. It may turn out that you two actually have totally different deep-rooted wants and desires. This is where I fell into. In the last long term relationship I had, my partner would have made the perfect husband for SOMEONE, even for me I thought for the longest time, but was I way off base. It turned out that I had a need within myself that he, no matter what he tried, just could not meet. I ended that five year relationship over a calling I had in my own soul that I had to discover for myself. Now that I found the man that truly can satisfy that need I had, I am totally at peace.
If you do not read any further into this site, please read as much as you can about communicating with your spouse, your family, and your children.
You'll discover many new things about each other, as well as yourself.
Before I close on this subject, I just want to share a little example with you about how a man can lack the ability to share a desire with his wife:
My dearest friend is a very strong woman. She has stood beside me in all my wackiness and has never discouraged me from seeking what I wanted in life. Well, not too long ago she married the love of her life that she has been with for years. She is a perfect example of what I talk about as the norm in this site.
While she was working on her computer (which she shares with her husband), she came across some pornography that he had saved for his viewing on a later date. I suppose he had not planned on her finding it, but she did.
It is in my own opinion that her husband is wanting 'something' extra...and now it is her turn to try to find out what it is, try to provide it for him, or she can just accept this litte need he apparently has and just let him be in peace.
Her first response was that she was going to kill him when he got home. She does not have the same outlook on this subject as I do, but that's alright as I would never expect her to.
I brought this subject up because this is the reaction that many women have. Hopefully, she will move beyond her anger over the discovery and maybe offer him a distraction...who knows.
I found this picture on a sister site and just LOVED it! In my 'pre-discovery stage of life' I would say a 'man' must have created it...but who am I to talk now...this is the outlook of my own marriage!!
