That night after our date, Alex insisted on carrying me up to HIS bed to sleep, saying I needed a change of scenery. I giggled the entire way, asking if he was trying to seduce me.

“Honey,” he said, carefully setting me down. “I wouldn’t need to TRY. I could seduce you like that.” He snapped his fingers and I giggled harder. He was crazy. He handed me one of his huge tshirts and told me to get ready for bed. I tried protesting, but it was no use. He was impossible. And I also liked the idea of not sleeping alone for once.

He went downstairs to grab a few things from my room and I went into his bathroom to change. The entire bathroom was black, and I thought that if I was his girlfriend, I’d sure as hell be changing THAT. It was creepy looking. I used the bathroom, changed into his shirt, and sat on the bed, waiting for my toothbrush.

When Alex came back in, I was deep in thought. “You look damn cute in my shirt,” he observed.

“Alex, when are you gonna get a girlfriend?”

“Get another girlfriend,” he softly sang, handing me my toothbrush. “I have one. You.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Alex, don’t lie to yourself. You know…”

“I DO know,” he interrupted. “And if I want to lie to myself, let me. You’re all I ever wanted, and for now this is good.”

“You’re torturing yourself,” I snapped, stomping off to the bathroom.

“You’re all I ever wanted…you’re all I ever needed…yeah…” I heard him singing as he changed. I couldn’t help but smile. AJ McLean singing *NSYNC. Who’d have thunk it?

I spent the next night in AJ’s bed as well. Nothing happened except chaste good night kisses, but it was nice to be enveloped in someone’s arms when I woke up, even if they were bony arms covered in black ink.

We were awakened Sunday morning by a piercing scream. I sat up, rubbing my eyes. Alex mumbled something but continued to sleep. I heard Felicia calling his name as she banged on the closed bedroom door. “Alex…wake up…see what she wants,” I said, poking him until his eyes opened. I fell back on the bed, snuggling under the blankets as he pulled on sweatpants over his boxers and padded to the door.

“Yes, Witch?”

“McLean, where’s…” she looked over his shoulder and almost fainted. “What is she doing there?”

“She WAS sleeping until you trumpeted like a herd of elephants,” he snapped. “Can I go back to bed now?”

“I thought…I thought you were…” Felicia glared at me over AJ’s shoulder, and I sank back even further. “We’ll talk later.” She stomped away and AJ slammed the door. He smiled at me as he approached the bed, and I started to laugh. It WAS kind of funny.

Felicia was furious about the whole situation. She thought that I was leading AJ on. She thought he was interrupting my sleep. She told me exactly what she thought about everything, and I sat silently and listened. I knew she had been scared when she didn’t see me in my bed, and that was causing all the ranting and raving.

It ended up being a moot point, for I soon became uncomfortable sleeping with Alex. I DID feel as if it was wrong, for his sake, and I soon became too restless in the middle of the night for either of us to sleep. The good health that had seemed to flow through me quickly flowed out, and I soon spent almost all of my time in my bed. I woke up in the night, weakly coughing, and soon Felicia ordered me to keep the oxygen mask on whenever she wasn’t in the room. I heard Alex come down many nights and sit by my bed. I’d pretend to sleep and he would hold my hand, just watching me. It was odd, but it made him feel better, so I let it happen.

The guys took turns coming over and visiting. Howie came on Mondays and Wednesday, Brian and Kevin on Tuesdays, and Nick on Thursdays and Fridays. The change of pace was nice, and they each did their own thing to cheer me up. Howie would bring all kinds of stories from his club, and tease AJ about things HE used to do when they’d go out. AJ rarely went out now, preferring to spend all his waking time with me. Brian brought me pictures of his dogs, and though I thought them the ugliest things on the planet, the little stories he told about them always made me smile. Kevin would talk seriously with me, about sickness and death and all the things he wanted to do in memory of his father. Nick would often draw as we talked, having me describe things as he drew them. Every night he would call me around eight, and AJ would hold the phone to my ear so I could fall asleep listening to Nick recite his poems. I thought they were good and told him he had to publish them. He promised he would, but I knew he was too self-conscious to ever do it.

After about three weeks it grew impossible to even lay still without everything hurting. I could feel myself wasting away and I hated it. I hated knowing how I looked to the people around me. Felicia was the only one who I felt didn’t see the ugliness; she had been through it all before. One day I told Kevin and Brian that I didn’t want them to come anymore. They could call if they liked, but I just wasn’t good company. Kevin’s serious green eyes looked down at me, and in them I read his understanding. He bent down and kissed my forehead, saying he’d call the next day, and he dragged a confused Brian out the door. I sighed. They were the easy ones.

“Oh my gosh, girl, I saw the most outrageous skirt on this tramp at the club,” Howie announced as he breezed in the door the next day. “You totally need to buy one.”

“Howie, I can hardly fit a Band-Aid around my waist,” I teased gently. “This would be crazy.”

“No, you GOTTA hear this,” and off he went on his little tirade, making fun of anyone he could think of. He was babbling, which he didn’t do, and I knew he felt something was wrong.

I looked up at Alex, who nodded. “I’ll make some lunch.” He slipped out the door and closed it.

“Howie. Come here.” I patted the side of the bed and he sat beside me. “Remember the promise you made to me?”

“Which one, babe?” He asked, stroking my hair absentmindedly.

“The one where you said you’d always smile for me, always be strong?”

“Um, yeah,” he said, and I knew he hadn’t known I could hear him that night.

“I need you to do it now,” I said, and a tear slipped down his cheek.

“Wait. No. Babe…”

“Not NOW,” I said softly. “But soon. I don’t…I don’t want you to come see me anymore, Howie.”

“What do you mean?” Howie’s mouth dropped open.

“I hate…I hate how I look…how I feel…and I don’t want you to see me.” I sobbed and he quickly reached for the oxygen mask. I shook my head. “Call every day. I need to hear your voice. But I don’t want you to come. It’s…too hard.”

“YOU don’t want me to come?” Howie snapped, standing up. “That is the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Howie…”

“NO. Never mind. I only really came to see Felicia anyway.” He went to the door. “Fuck you anyway.”

I sobbed as he slammed the door. I had known he wouldn’t be happy but I hadn’t expected this. “Howie…” I whispered, and like magic he reappeared.

“Don’t go…” Howie said quietly, falling to his knees by my bed. “I’ll do anything you want…just don’t go.”

“Right now, what I want is for you to sing me to sleep. I’m tired…nap time,” I said with a small smile. Now I stroked HIS hair. “And I want you to call after supper tonight, okay?”

He nodded, laying his head on my leg, one of the few places that didn’t hurt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“Of course not. Sing,” I demanded. He complied, singing a soft ballad that soon had me drifting off to sleep.

“I have a present for you,” Nick said the next evening when he came over. He lugged a large bundle in the bedroom door and I stared at it curiously. “Close your eyes.”

“Nicky, I…”

“CLOSE them,” he ordered, and I obeyed. “Help me, Aje,” I heard him say, and I heard paper tearing. “Okay. Open.”

I opened my eyes and gasped. In front of me was a large painting, with me in the center. Actually, Alex and I were in the center, and even Alex was shocked. We sat together in the middle, and I looked healthy and happy. It was the me of about a year earlier. In each corner were the other four Backstreet Boys. Brian and Leighanne and their dogs, Kevin and Kristin standing in a forest, Howie looking sharp in a dark suit, and Nick seated on a beach. “Nicky…I…I…” I could not find words. AJ helped Nick hang it on the wall across from the bed.

“I wanted to give you something that you could look at and enjoy, and that gave you happy thoughts,” Nick said.

“You sure as hell succeeded,” I whispered. “Nick…thank you.” Dammit, this was going to make it all much harder.

“I have some calls to make. Night sweetheart.” AJ kissed my forehead, knowing that Nick would probably read me poetry until I slept. “Later, Nick.”

“Bye, Aje,” Nick said absentmindedly. He pulled a chair over to the bed. “Okay, I have something new here. It’s a love poem.” Nick wrinkled his nose, looking about six years old.

“Wait, Nick.” I placed a hand on his cheek, stroking its softness. “I need to tell you something.”

“Okay.” Nick shut his notebook and looked at me.

“I…I don’t want you to come over anymore, okay?”

“Why?” Nick looked shocked. “Is it the painting? You don’t like it?”

“Oh, God, Nick, no. I LOVE the painting. I just…I can’t do it anymore…it takes too much.” My eyes brimmed with tears at the terrified look on his face. “Please understand.”

“But I want to see you,” he whispered.

“Just because you see me doesn’t mean I won’t go,” I said softly, and by the look on his face I knew it was what he had been thinking. He sighed, looked at me for a moment, then nodded. “My baby brother,” I said gently, stroking his face again. He kissed my palm and grabbed his notebook. “Call me tomorrow?” I asked, and he nodded again. He bent down and gave me a careful hug.

“I love you.”

“Love you, too, Nicky,” I said, kissing his cheek. He smiled his sunny smile and went out the door without another word.

I cried silently until Alex returned to the bedroom. “Nick left,” he stated, and I could only nod.

“I hate goodbyes,” I said miserably. “They hurt.”

“Yes, baby, they do.” AJ slowly climbed into bed beside me. “You’re so special to us all, you know that, right?”

“I don’t feel special right now,” I said.

“If you weren’t, this wouldn’t be this hard for ANY of us,” he remarked, and I nodded slowly. I sighed and snuggled closer to him, feeling his love surround me. He kissed my forehead and held me until I cried myself to sleep.

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