There is an old saying that "God may not come when you call, but he always comes in time." Well, this was brought home to me Wednesday night with a punch that left me breathless. And today, I realize that a dream, actually a "call", may be coming true after all.
Wednesday night, at the Lenten study group, our facilitator was ill, so our new young Rector joined us. We had a good study time, sharing stories of our faith journeys. We have two teen age boys in the group, and it was wonderful to hear what they had to say. The Rector asked, "Has anyone ever felt a 'nudge' by God?" I started to say that I had when the first woman was ordained as a priest in the Episcopal church, and I couldn't finish. I apologized for my sudden tears, and the Rector handled it smoothly and we went on to discuss other things.
Afterwards, one of the teens hung around and patted me on the back. I was touched by his concern. The Rector then turned to me and said (and writing these words is going to make them real...can I take a breath here?), "You know, I think of you as our Deacon." I was stunned. The tears came in earnest, then, and I blurted out the whole story.
After the bankruptcy, I had a year at home to pray and think, and I realized that the "nudge" I had had from God back in the 70's, was still there, stronger than ever. I was startled and didn't know what that meant. I prayed about it long and hard, alone, and finally had to talk to DB about it. He encouraged me, first saying, "I'm not surprised you feel you have this call." That was one of the most affirming things he had ever said to me.
I wasn't sure where to go with this. That spring I was at a church-related conference, and I met a woman who was just entering Seminary. I heard her story about her "call" and asked to talk with her. She was very encouraging and supportive, and gave me some good advice. When I got home, after more careful praying, I put together the small group of women as she had suggested, to pray with me. After nearly a year of this, they urged me to approach our then Rector and ask for him to form a "discernment" committee to work with me.
I had the support of the Curate, but he had no power or influence that could help me. I got up the courage to write my "story" and my request to the Rector, and it was downhill from there. "You are too old," he said," and not a good financial risk for the church." (I wasn't asking for money, by the way) "Go home and think about what your ministry could be. Maybe you could work in the Thrift Shop."
My little group was furious, DB was furious, the Curate rueful, but I was just crushed. I thought about it, prayed about it, and finally, after a long time, just asked God for his direction. The job I have came along then, and I decided that God really wanted me to stay in the lay ministry and "minister" to the families at work. And I have come to grips with that.
Wednesday's little talk rocked me to my soul. At 65, is the door opening? I'm still stunned. Today, after the Altar Guild Work Party, I stopped in to see the Rector, and said, "Well, is it too late to think about formalizing this Deacon business?" He grinned; a most beautiful grin. "You know, you ARE the Deacon as far as I'm concerned. And we can get this formalized; I'll call the Bishop on Monday, then we'll form the discernment committee. And they can help you decide if your call is still to the Priesthood or to the Deaconate." (!) (!) What! Is that still a possibility?! I really can hardly believe what is happening.
Back to my knees; Dear God, what a gift of joy you have given me at this time of my life. Just the affirmation from the Rector is gift enough, but it looks like there is more! Thank you. Amen
7:41 PM As I left my favorite supermarket today, the heavy rain suddenly turned into fat, wet, snowflakes. By the time I got home, it was real snow and as I look out my window now, there is still fine snow coming down, and the roof on my neighbor's house is once again white. ARRGGHH! I reeeally don't mind snow in the winter; I kind of like it, even. But NOT in April, thank you very much!
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