On The Outside: By Amy

Ch.11
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"This place is practically a second home by now," Brian Littrell whispered anxiously, unable to control his constant shivering as he set inside the dark funeral home.

The curtains were pulled away from the windows, yet the room was unable to be lightened. The sun had disappeared for days, leaving the town cold and dark. A true reflection of the pain invading everyone's hearts.

Howie Dorough swallowed roughly, placing his arm behind the younger man's chair. "Sad, but true. We've been here way too many times in our lives. It certainly is packed," he commented, glancing around at all the taken seats.

Brian nodded. "It always is when someone young dies. Did AJ come?"

The Latino hung head, massaging his aching brow. "No, he uh....refuses to look at anyone in Kit's family or anyone close to her. He blames himself."

"How can he do that?" the teen asked in shock. "It's not as if AJ could control his uncle's actions when he was living with him, he beat up him every night! There's no way he could've controlled this."

"Try telling him that," Dorough sighed. "It's a scary time right now, Brian. I think we're gonna' lose him."

"Huh?"

"Think about it," Howie reminded him. "AJ's uncle was his guardian, I wasn't. The law won't let him stay with me."

"But you're the best thing AJ has!" Brian argued. "He's happier when you're around! You're like the brother he never had. He needs you."

"I know," Howie said quietly. "But I'm too young to be his guardian, you have to be twenty-one and it's seldom that a judge ever lets a teenager stay with someone as young as me. And if they knew about all the rules that were broken by him living with me...I don't even want to think about the hell we'd be in."

"Kevin's young," Brian plainly stated. "And the judge let me stay with him."

"But you're family," the other explained. "It's easier to work something out that way. He has a appointment with some social worker and I'm meeting him after the funeral. I'm hoping I could at least get temporary custody of him. Let him stay with me until something more permanent could be worked out."

Brian's blue eyes narrowed. "You sound doubtful."

"I am doubtful," the Latino admitted. "Because I know that reality is going to hit soon. AJ's going to be taken into the system. Another kid being shoved from family to family, but never able to call them his own. He'll end up just like Nick..And there's nothing I can do to stop it."

Brian bit his lip nervously. "How is he though?"

"He doesn't talk, doesn't eat, doesn't sleep..." Howie answered gloomily.

"Neither does Kev," Brian whispered, rubbing at his tired eyes. "He's not the same, Howie. He won't talk to me. And I've tried so many times."

"You have to give him time," Howie encouraged. "He'll come around, he's just in a lot of pain. He lost more than a friend."

Brian stared at his cousin sitting in the front row, his eyes never wavering from the casket. "But just because someone you loved dies, doesn't mean you can stop living. He acts as if I don't even care! I do care! I'm just trying to be strong for him and for Nick and Patti..."

"And there's no one there to help you?" Howie assumed.

"Exactly," Brian replied through his tears. "Of course I'm upset! She was murdered!

The Latino rested his hand against the younger male's back, moving his palm in gently circles. "Shh..Just calm down. It'll be all right."

"No, it won't," Littrell softly debated. "Maybe Nick and Kevin are right about things never getting better. Anytime life seems to get just a little bit better for, suddenly, everything will just come crashing down."

"Aw, Brian, don't you turn on me too," Howie pleaded. "You and I are the only ones that seem to have any sense left. Kevin's turning into a zombie, Nick is the angriest kid I've ever seen and AJ's trying to deal with the fact that he can't be oblivious to anything anymore. And who knows how he's going to handle having to deal with people in the Social Services division again. They need us right now."

"Aren't we allowed to grieve too?" Brian inquired bitterly. "Everybody walks around us like we don't even have feelings. Expecting that they were closer to Kit than we were."

"It's not at all like that," Howie debated, taking in a deep breath. "It's just hard to think rationally right now. You're just starting to slip into a bit of insanity that's possessing everybody else around here."

Brian buried his face in his hands. "Kit's death made me realize how beautiful and short life is. But now...looking at all this crap that's going on, maybe it isn't so great afterall."

"How could you say that?"

"Easily!" Littrell retorted, staring up at the Latino. "Just because I believe in God doesn't mean I don't question things!"

Howie squinted, slightly shaking his head. "I'm not following you. What does your belief in God have to do with this?"

Brian sniffled, roughly rubbing his knuckles over his nose. "Nick said he didn't believe anymore because of all the stuff that's happened. And now, Kevin's falling off the deep end...I'm not as strong as you, Howie, and I hate being setup to look that way."

"You are strong," Howie assured him. "You've been there for Patti. She's really needed you."

"But that's different," Brian explained with an exaggerated sigh. "With Patti I know what to say to make her feel better, I know what to do. WIth Kevin and Nick...I don't have a damn clue."

"Maybe you're not suppose to know," Howie said with a shrug. "You can know someone all your life and still learn more about them and how to help them everyday."

Brian smirked. "Are you the one that taught AJ philosophy?"

Howie wore a dull smile. "Guess so, though I look at myself as more of a psychologist."

"I must sound so selfish," Brian whispered, facing his friend. "I haven't even asked you how you are."

"It's okay," Howie replied. "Talking to you kind of gives me a distraction from my own emotions."

Brian rolled his eyes. "I may not be real smart, and everybody knows I hate school, but isn't it bad to keep your emotions inside?"

Dorough tilted his head back, staring upward. "Maybe I'm afraid to let them out. It'll be like so much, starting out like rain. First, just a small sprinkle, and then turning into a complete downpour. It's all I have control over now."

The teenager stared at the kind man in concern. "Why wouldn't you have control over them, Howie? Why are you so scared?"

A solitary tear slipped down the Puerto Rican's cheek. "Before AJ's mom died, I promised her I'd watch over AJ and help him. Now, that might be stripped away from my control...And that scares me."

*********************************************

Kevin Richardson gazed at the black road, entranced by the dull color. Black was all he wished to see or wanted his life to now be. A dark past now turning into a dark future.

"Kevin!" Patti O'Day hollered as she ran up the street. "Kevin!"

The man stopped, lifting his head to look at the petite girl.

Patti gave him a weak smile as she wiped away the tears that slipped from her eyes. "Here," she said softly, holding out an article of clothing in his direction. "This must be yours'. They found it on Kit after she-she," the young female became silent, unable to control the pain that had encompassed her from her sister's passing.

"Thank you," Kevin responded dryly, taking the jacket from her grasp.

"Patti, do you need anything?" Brian questioned, giving her hand a small squeeze.

She shook her head. "No, not right now. A lot of my family are coming over to my house from out-of-town and I need to stay with my grandma right now. She's not dealing with this well at all."

"There is no way to deal with this," Kevin commented lowly, walking away into the distance, never looking back at the solemn group.

Nick Carter, whom had remained silent throughout the day, only able to cry and stare at the earth below him, ran after the older man. He lingered behind Kevin, walking in the image of his shadow down the street.

"Ignore him," Brian whispered to the young girl, embarrassment consuming his face. "He hasn't been the same for the passed few days."

Patti wrapping her coat closer to her body, shielding herself from the damp air. "I understand. I'll see you later, Brian. You and Nick should stop by for dinner, there's so much food at the house...More than we need." The brunette rotated her figure, facing Howard Dorough. "You should come too, D. And bring AJ, I want him to know I'm not mad at him."

The Latino shook his head. "That's easier said than done, Patti. I don't think AJ wants to be near anyone right now, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry he is."

"He doesn't have to be," she clarified, pushing her brown bangs away from her tired eyes. "I could never blame AJ, he's my friend and nothing like his uncle."

"I'll try, but we'll just have to see what's going on by the time tonight arrives.." Howie's weak voice trailed off, awkwardly. With a shaky deep breath he turned away from the teenage couple, following after the others down the gloomy street.

"What's gonna' happen to us?" Patti O'Day randomly blurted out, looking up at her boyfriend in desperation.

"W-what do you mean?" Brian asked, stumbling over his words.

"Our families," she sighed. "Everything's being torn apart."

The male teenager shoved his fists into his pockets, kicking at the rocks beneath his feet. "Our family won't change. Family is forever, Patti."

"Nothing is forever," the petite girl quietly stated. "We know that too well. You can't be oblivious to it. I'm just so scared that I'm going to lose you too."

"Why would you lose me?" came Brian's delicate inquiry has he pulled her into his arms. "I'm right here."

"But for how long? One night I go off to a dance, expecting to see Kit walking through the door when I wake up. But, when that morning came...she didn't. And now she never will. Nothing here is certain. AJ had a safe haven at Howie's place, now it might be ripped away. How long is it before you and Nick are drug into the same web?"

"Nick and I aren't going anywhere."

"How do you know?" Patti worried, drying her teary eyes. "What if Kevin doesn't straighten up? You guys still have those social workers coming to your house to see how you're doing. What do you think will happen if they walk in and see Kevin acting like a zombie and suddenly some kid living there that came out of nowhere? I've already lost my sister, I don't know if I could stand to lose you too. You've always been my dearest friend."

Littrell placed a gentle kiss to the brunette's forehead. "I'll do everything in my power not to let that happen."

"Thank you," she replied in a breathy tone, giving his hand a small tug before she turned away. Silently, the teen walked in the opposite direction, preparing to go back to her house. A home filled with despair and loss. Brian continued down his path, ready to return to an environment laced with the same dark emotions.

************************************

Dim light radiated from the small lamp placed by the window, flashing Kevin Richardson's shadow against the wall. He sat in silence on the carpeted floor, his large form slumped over as he hugged his old jacket to his chest.

"Kevin?" came the innocent whisper, traveling from Nick Carter's dry lips. "I brought you a sandwich. I made it myself..Peanut butter and jelly. Look! I even cut off the crusts."

"I'm not hungry," Kevin rasped, only clutching the clothing tighter within his grasp.

"Nick," Howie softly called out from the kitchen table, patting the seat at his side. "Why don't you come in here and eat? Kevin can eat later."

"He can't just sit there all day waiting for himself to follow in Kit's footsteps," Brian said roughly, crossing his arms. "He acts like the rest of us don't exist and I'm getting sick of it."

Howie toss a caring glance at the teen. "Give him time, Brian. He's in shock right now."

"He has been for the passed three days!" Brian exclaimed angrily. "When is he going to start dealing with it and look around and see the rest of us care too?"

"I don't know," Dorough meekly confessed. "But I do know that if you turn your back on him it won't help matters."

"I'm not the one that turned my back," Brian declared, gazing into the living room. "He is. He doesn't want our help anyway."

"Look we've all had it rough the passed few days," Howie said, clasping his hands together. "Let's just eat something in peace."

"Do you ever get tired of helping everybody else?" Nick asked aloud, focusing on the mild-mannered Latino.

"What?" Howie gasped in disbelief. "No, of course I don't. I love these guys like family, I couldn't walk away from them. I wouldn't ever stop helping them. Unless somehow I was forced-," he ended his sentence abruptly, returning his attention to the meal placed before him.

Nick wrinkled his nose. "What does that mean?"

"It means be quiet and eat," Brian dictated, pivoting away from his companions to stare out the window.

The thirteen-year-old blonde absently picked at the sandwich, watching uneaten bread crumbs fall against the plate. He never knew the pain that accompained silence until Kit had passed away.

Suddenly, the four friends he had seen laughing together, even after an argument had evaporated into a dark silence. A still sound somehow laced with tension, eventhough noise never departed into the air. The expressions on their faces revealed all of the sorrow and anger that almost appeared to replace the love that had surrounded them, even in the worst of times.

"Who's that?" Brian questioned, his blue eyes widening as he watched a black car parking in front of his home.

"That must be the social worker," Howie coughed out, seeing AJ seated in the front seat. He bit his lip as saw AJ brust open the car door, running to the front porch.

"HOWIE!" AJ hollered desperately, throwing open the wooden door. "HOWIE!"

"AJ, what is it?" Dorough panicked, running to his friend.

AJ McLean's breath came in rugged gasps as burning tears traveled from his eyes. "It's over," he sobbed.

"What's over?" Howie questioned further, placing his hands to the teen's shoulders. "Take deep breath, AJ. You're going to hyperventilate."

AJ obeyed, his gaze never drifting from his mentor.

The older man slowly nodded, patting the distraught teenager's shoulder. "That's better. Now, tell me what's going on?"

"They're making me leave!" he proclaimed. "I begged them to let me stay with you! I tried everything but they just wouldn't let me! The lady said I have to go stay with some foster family that would be better abled to help me emotionally because of what my uncle did! This is my punishment!" he sobbed. "Maybe this is happening to me because I'm no better than my uncle. I'll never be the person my mother wanted me to be."

"Stop it!" Howie ordered, taking AJ's face in his hands, forcing him to look into his eyes. "You listen to me, no matter what anyone else ever says to you, you are not like him! You are someone that your mom would be proud of, you know that!"

AJ sniffled, hugging his friend tightly. "Thank you for everything you did to help me."

"I'm not done helping you," Howie assured him, shutting his eyes against the tears that came. "No matter what happens."

"I-I better get going," AJ stammered, slowly pulling away. "The lady said I only have enough time to see you and pack my things."

"Come on," Howie sighed, wrapping his arm around the orphan. "I'll help you."

Nick stared at the exiting pair in disbelief. "Make it stop!" he begged, running into the living room. "Kevin, make them let AJ stay with Howie! No one belongs in foster care! He's better off with Howie!"

"Yeah, Kev," Brian echoed as he followed the angry blonde. "Isn't there something you can do?"

"Why would you think there's anything I can do?" Kevin hissed, glaring up at them. "You're talking about me as though I'm a God or something, and that's just not the way it is! I'm a lousy cook at some stinkin' diner and there's nothing I can do! Get it through your damn heads. We all knew this was coming sooner or later."

"But the people in the system don't know AJ and Howie like we do," Brian pointed out. "Maybe we could convince them!"

"Oh, yeah!" Kevin mimicked, pushing himself to his feet. "An adult with a future going nowhere, a teenager that doesn't even want to finish high school and depends on God to grant all of his wishes and a runaway orphan. That's gonna' real convincing, Brian. We're misfits, get used to it." He turned away, crossing his arms. "Nick, you better go pack a bag too."

"What?" Nick gasped. "No! I want to stay with you."

"And AJ wants to stay with Howie!" Kevin reinstated, furiously. "But he doesn't get to. That's part of reality, you don't get what you want. I'm doing you a favor, Nick. When you walk out that door you might go to some real nice family that'll make your life better, maybe AJ will too."

"But I don't want them.." Nick whispered, shuffling his feet from side-to-side. "I wanna' stay here, I like it here. And I'll even work to help support myself. You said you wanted to help me!"

"And I did," Kevin retorted, blankly. "I gave you some warm food, cleaned you up and got put new clothes on your back. I'm giving you more help now, the opportunity to get the hell out of this horrid place and never look back."

Nick stared at the man, unable to push away the tears that slipped from his eyes. "I wanted this to be my home. Kit said that home is a place where you can be angry, sad or even happy. But, no matter what emotion you're experiencing you still feel comfortable, because you're okay to be yourself. That the people there love you and want to help you, and that you're safe. And I feel that here."

Kevin spoke through teeth as he stared down at the orphan. "Who cares what Kit said! What Kit said doesn't matter anymore, Nick! She's gone! Okay? If you want to remember Kit, then take this!" he shouted, tossing the jacket at him. "That's all that's left! Her dried up blood on my jacket! I couldn't help her and I can't help you. Go get a bag and start packing, you're going with AJ."

Nick Carter held the ragged jacket to his face, tears seeping into the material. "What's going to happen to me now?" he sobbed, staring up at Brian anxiously.

"I don't know," Brian whispered as his own eyes misted over with tears. "I don't know what's going to happen to any of us."

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