17. Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.

16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 
      5-year olds.

14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your 
      wide-screen TV.

13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" 
      trick.

12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

11. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund 
      into other animal shapes.

10. Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the 
      joint."

9. Not exactly the PeeWee Herman impression you were expecting!

8. Wears a t-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his 
    pants.

6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists 
    of showing charts and complaining about the national deficit.

5. A sad clown is one thing-a clown who spends the entire party 
    with gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on 
     acid."

3. Business cards include the phrase, "From the Mind of Stephen 
    King".

2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.