His Mother's Son: Part One

Keith gasped for air. His face paled even more and his dark eyes widened. Allura reached up, grabbed him by the shoulders, and looked deep into his eyes. What she saw there made her let go and sit back in her hoverchair.

It was fear. Pure, unrestrained fear.

"Keith...what's happening," she asked, her voice shaking.

But he didn't answer.

Gathering herself, Allura sped out of the room, yelling for the doctor. Gorma came running, a hypospray in hand to see Keith thrashing about the bed, grasping fistfulls of the white sheet that covered him. His head was tilted back and he struggled for air. Gorma took one look at Keith, and jammed the hypospray into the younger man's upper arm. Keith slumped into unconsciousness as Gorma grabbed an oxygen mask, placing it over the young man's face to help him breathe more easily. Checking Keith's vital signs as he did so, Gorma's lips thinned and he shook his head.

"What happened..."

Turning around, Doctor Gorma saw the rest of the Voltron Force standing in the doorway, surrounding the Princess. All four looked at Gorma, wanting answers, but at the same time afraid of what they would get.

"I think that Keith is going to need some other kind of help....I'm not qualified for this," he told them.

"What do you mean?" Lance demanded.

"He had an anxiety attack so severe that he went into shock," the doctor explained. "We are all aware of what he went through. It won't be easy to fix."

"A shrink?" Hunk asked. "Keith won't like that."

"No..he won't. I think we should hold off on this, Doctor," Allura added hoarsely. "Forcing something on him will only make it worse. I think what he needs is some time off. Maybe to go off to be by himself."

"But Princess, that might make it worse," Gorma argued.

"She's right, Doctor," Lance said. "We know, Keith. But if he doesn't get better within a month, we'll call the shrink."

Gorma looked from the Princess to Lance, and saw that whatever he had to say would make no difference. He sighed and nodded. They filed into the room as he left to get a nurse to monitor Keith.

"I hope to Riaru that it won't be too late by then," he muttered under his breath.

Keith stared out the window, unblinking, his thoughts dark and disturbing. His eyes were as stormy as his thoughts, a dark sky promising nothing but thunder and lightning.

"Keith..."

He didn't acknowledge the soft voice. He heard the whirr of mechanics that accompanied it nowadays, but didn't turn his head to look at his visitor.

Allura entered Keith's room, the corners of her mouth turned down. Ever since he'd had that anxiety attack, he'd hardly said a word, if anything at all. He hardly moved, hardly ate...he'd shut down.

Coran's right...he's not happy here, she thought sadly, recalling a recent conversation with her Prime Minister..

She guided her hoverchair to his bedside, forcing herself into his line of sight. After a moment, his eyes met hers, but they were unreadable.

"How are you doing?" she asked awkwardly.

"Been better," he replied tersely. "Was there something you wanted?"

His words were stinging, but she fought back a flare of temper...and hurt.

"You're not happy here," she said flatly. "Do you want to go to Mala? There's an Alliance Medical hospital there that will take you. You might find the surroundings more..." she spat out the word, "...peaceful."

He stared at her.

"No."

Allura's jaw worked and she swallowed hard. She blinked quickly, suddenly feeling as if the walls were finally closing in on her.

"Fine," she hissed.

She turned and headed for the door.

"Allura...." he started.

But she didn't hear him.

And he didn't say it again.

Lance whistled as he stacked a pile of data pads on Keith's desk. He heard the telltale whirr of Allura's hoverchair and stood to greet her as she came down the corridor. For his trouble, he was nearly run over.

"Whoa there..."

The Princess refused to meet his eyes. Her face was flushed and the hand she had on her hoverchair's controls trembled. Her blue eyes glistened with anger and something else he didn't recognize.

"What's wrong?"

She didn't answer, only sputtered incomprehensibly. He did understand a few choice phrases that he knew would get her in a lot of trouble if Nanny heard them.

And then he understood.

"Had a run in with our esteemed Commander Porterfield?"

Sullenly, she nodded. "I understand his pain. I do. But I wish he wouldn't take it out on us." On me.

"I know. But Keith has never been one to share his problems with other people. Now that's he's finally run into the mother of all problems, I think we're going to have to do some major Keith-counseling."

"We could call the psychiatrist..."

"NO!" Lance said forcefully. "That is the best way to alienate him. We're his friends. We can fix this. If there is anyone in this universe that Keith will talk to, it'll be one of us. Not some head-shrinker. Am I right?"

The Princess nodded. She heard the confidence in his voice and it made her feel better.

"I'll take your word for it, Lance."

"Then you can't lose. In the meantime, I'll go talk to him. Let's see what a little dose of Lance can do."

In response, Allura only rolled her eyes, but he didn't see it. Whistling, Lance made his way down the corridors. He was still whistling when he walked into Keith's room. For his part, the Commander took no notice of him. Keith was still in the same position as he was when Allura left his room.

"Bored?" Lance asked, sitting himself down at the foot of the bed.

Keith glanced at him from the corner of his eye. He arched an eyebrow. "I've got things on my mind," he said dryly.

"That's no good," his friend returned airily. "You need to un-think."

"Can you blame me?"

"No. I blame dear ol' Dad."

At the mention of his father, Keith's face darkened and he broke eye contact. Lance silently cursed his big mouth, but kept his cool.

"Don't let him get the better of you, Keith. You're a bigger man that that."

"I'm not going to bounce back right away, Lance," Keith spat.

"I didn't say you were. But feeling sorry for yourself..."

"I'm not feeling sorry for myself. God..just get out of here and leave me alone. I don't need this 'talking' crap from you too, Lance. I just need to think for a little while. Just leave me alone."

His last words were tinged with such exhaustion that Lance felt utterly helpless. He reached out and gripped Keith's wrist.

"I'm sorry, man. Look, if you need anything..."

"I know," Keith sighed. "Everyone is here for me."

"You don't have to do this alone."

"But I want to...I have to...No one understands...."

Lance snorted. "Are you kidding me? Hello...you're talking to an orphan here. Allura, Pidge...we've all been through extreme loss."

Keith looked at him. "But Lance, none of you killed your own parents."

His face fell. "Jesus, Keith..."

"Just leave me alone."

Lance stared at his hands, shaking his head. Slowly, he got up, his thoughts in turmoil. He hadn't expected this. In all the years he'd known Keith, he'd never been so...closed off. Keith always had his secrets, but he had never completely shut his friends out before.

Allura's right...this one's going to be tough.

Keith looked at the doorway that Lance had just passed through. He didn't like being short with his friends, but he didn't seem to have any control over his words. He wanted to tell them...wanted to share with them what he was thinking and feeling. But a part of him stopped him from doing that. The part that said this was a personal matter that was to be kept within himself because it was so dark and disturbing. And talking about it out loud somehow made it worse. Keeping it in his head, for only himself to scrutinize and meditate over was hard enough. He didn't want it discussed.

He knew that they understood his silence, even expected it, but they still tried to talk to him. He knew that he should talk. Supposedly, it healed the soul.

What if you didn't have one...never had one to begin with? he asked himself. Then there'd be nothing to heal...

Unbidden, he thought of his mother. She had been his father's soul. When she'd left, he had nothing. And Keith believed for a long time that she was his soul, too. Elizabeth Porterfield had been a beautiful woman and a loving mother. Keith remembered her voice reading to him and singing to him. But he also remembered the strength in her carriage, the firm and careful way she went over problems that were presented to her. From her he got his "analness" as Lance would put it.

Tears filled his eyes but he quickly wiped them away. He'd already spent most of his childhood crying for his mother. It wouldn't do to spend his adulthood doing the same thing. Yet deep down, he still felt the same childish desire to have his mother next to him. Especially now. Because despite everything, he still believed that she could fix all his pains.

The next morning found Pidge staring at the closed doors of Keith's room. He'd heard about Allura's and Lance's experiences with him, and found himself afraid of Keith for the first time since he'd known him. Keith was not a man who elicited fear from his closest friends and from the men he led. But Pidge was fairly certain his hesitation stemmed from his fear of what Keith would do.

If he can yell at Allura, he can yell at me, he told himself.

"Go in, Pidge," said a young nurse as she passed by. "He's just sitting there."

"I don't know, Nom. I don't think he wants to be bothered."

"He needs to be bothered. Go on."

Bolstered by Nom's words, Pidge squared his shoulders and pushed a button on the control pad next to the door. The doors slid open. He peered in, squinting against the darkness. Keith was in bed, his eyes unblinking and unmoving. He didn't acknowledge Pidge's presence.

"Hey, Chief," Pidge whispered. "Can I come in?"

Keith lifted his head. "Sure, Kid. Thanks for asking."

"No problem. I know how Allura and Lance like to walk around as if they owned the place. Well...Allura does..."

Keith smiled slightly. "Yeah, I know. Tell them I'm sorry I yelled at them, okay? It's just that..."

"They know, Keith," Pidge interrupted. "You don't have to say it."

The older man nodded. Pidge sat down on the edge of Keith's bed and held out a data pad. Keith took it and frowned.

"What's this?"

"Schematics for a new upgrade for the Lions. I like to call it 'Stealth Voltron'."

"Good name. Turn on the lights so I can get a better look at this."

Pidge did and when Keith saw what was on the data pad, he let out a disbelieving snort that could have passed as a laugh.

"Pidge...I hate to tell you this, but....these look like giant hamsters."

"Hamsters?!" the would-be artist protested. "They're designed to be as aerodynamic as possible, and even increase our speed by a factor of three. Hamsters!"

Keith listened to the tirade and his lips curled up slightly. "Sorry, Pidge."

"Lance told me the same thing, but I thought he was just kidding," Pidge sighed. "I guess it's back to the drawing board."

"I guess. Do you think you could do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Could you get Allura in here for me. I'd like to talk to her. I want to get out of here."

Pidge's face fell. "You want to go to Mala."

"No. Why does everyone thing I want to leave Arus? I just want to get out of this room...out of this castle. I want to go somewhere where I can think."

"Why not just use the intercom?"

"Because she won't come if I do. She'll just blow me off. But if you get her, you can persuade her to come see me."

"Oh. I'll see what I can do."

"No, Pidge. Do it."

Pidge had a sense of the old Keith coming back, but when he looked at his friend, he only saw the turbulent, troubled eyes and pale, sunken cheeks. He nodded and patted Keith's hand.

"Will do. I'll see you later, Keith."

"Thanks, Pidge."

Keith watched him go, and when the doors slid shut, he reached up and turned off the lights.

Allura arranged for Keith to use her father's old cabin and prepared transportation within a few hours after he'd asked. Doctor Gorma had protested mightily; Keith had only woken up a week before, and he was in no condition to travel. Allura overrode his objections, claiming Keith knew what was best for himself. If he was not happy where he was, he would not heal. Grudgingly, Gorma had to admit she was right, but did not tell her that, still smarting over being out-voiced by a girl half his age.

Still weak, Keith managed to sit himself down in the pilot's seat of the groundshuttle. The others were loading some supplies into the back. Nanny had cooked up a storm so that he would have enough food with him even though Hunk was making him bring a food replicator. He would be going with Keith to help him get settled in but the others were staying behind, respecting Keith's wishes to be alone.

Lance sat in the copilot's seat, his hands clasped behind his head and his booted feet resting on the control panel, looking as if he was right at home. He grinned at Keith.

"Finally, Commander Porterfield goes on a self-ordered vacation. Too bad there won't be any hula-girls around."

His comment elicited a small smile from Keith.

"That's what I want to see. Crack a grin, Keith ol' boy. Laughter makes the world go 'round."

"Shut up, Lance," Sven chided. "Leaf de man alone. Keit, are you sure you vant to go up dere vidout any auf us to stay vid you?"

"I'm sure, Sven. I'll be fine."

"You're not in peak condition," Romelle pointed out. "So if you feel anything out of the ordinary, don't hesitate to push the button."

Keith glanced at the small transmitter that Pidge had pasted together last-minute. It was a small rectangular piece with a big red button right smack in the middle of it. Hard to miss.

"I won't."

Allura came up to his side of the shuttle. "Well, everything is set. You've got all the supplies you need and all we're waiting for is Hunk. He had to run back and get something."

"He's not going to be staying long," Keith said.

"He knows. Don't worry. We get the message."

His brow knotted at her words, but there was no bitterness in her face. She offered him a brief smile.

"'Bye," he said simply.

"Take care," she said. She reached up and patted his cheek. "While you're up there, shave off that beard. I can't stand looking at it."

Keith touched his scruffy cheek and nodded. "I'll do what I can."

Hunk jogged up and jumped into the co-pilot's seat that Lance had wisely vacated when he saw the larger man coming.

"Have a safe trip, Keith," Romelle said.

"Don't be gone too long," Sven added.

"I'll send up a few hula-girls," Lance said.

Keith started up the shuttle and then, he and Hunk were on their way. The others watched until they could no longer see him.

"How far will they go?" Romelle asked Allura as they left the docking bay.

"Far enough," the Princess replied cryptically.

The King's cabin was surprisingly simple. He stopped the shuttle at its door and got out slowly. Hunk came to his side and offered to help him, but Keith waved a hand in refusal.

"I can make it," he said.

"Okay, but you better not try to lift anything," Hunk warned.

"I don't think I could even if I tried," Keith admitted.

He entered the cabin as Hunk began unloading the shuttle. The cabin had only one floor but was roomy enough for one person.

Or two, Keith mused.

There was a small kitchen, a bathroom, a sitting room, and a bedroom. He walked around, taking a closer look at things when he suddenly felt very tired. He made his way to the soft couch in the sitting room which was next to a bay window. Outside, the Arusian sun was setting and he watched it, paying no attention to Hunk who was huffing and puffing nearby.

For his part, Hunk tried to get his job done as quickly as possible. He didn't mind that Keith wasn't even trying to help, but he was surprised. It just showed how bothered Keith was. In two hours, Hunk finally finished installing the food replicator and other bits and pieces, such as medical equipment, that Keith would need. He wiped his hands on his pants and stood up. Keith was still sitting on the couch, his attention focused on the black night outside.

"I'm going to head back now, Keith," Hunk said. "Do you need anything else?"

Keith looked up with surprise as if he hadn't realized Hunk had been there all along. "What...no, Hunk, I'm fine."

"Ok, then. I'll be back for you when you call."

"Alright."

"Goodnight, Keith."

"'Night..."

Hunk closed the door. Keith heard Hunk taking the terra-scooter out from the back of the shuttle and then the sound of its engine starting up. A few minutes later, Hunk zoomed off and Keith was finally left alone. The room was lit brightly as Hunk had been working. With some effort, Keith stood, turned on the lone lamp next to the couch and turned off the main light.

"That's better," he said to himself.

He sat back down and turned back to the window, finally left alone to his thoughts. But instead of thinking, his eyes began to close and before he knew it, he was asleep.

The mouthwatering scent of breakfast food reached Keith's nose and coaxed him out of some much needed rest. He rubbed his eyes and gasped as a pain shot up his back. He looked out the window and saw the sun was up. He'd spent the entire night on the couch. But he ignored the pains and focused on the task at hand. Frowning, he managed to stand and make his way to the kitchen, half-expecting Allura to be there frying up some eggs.

"I thought I was going to be alone this weekend..." he began, stepping through the doorway.

Then his mouth dropped open. A woman with long dark brown hair and electric green eyes stood at the stove frying up breakfast with military precision. She looked up and Keith felt his heart leap in his throat. She smiled and he felt as if everything in the world had stopped.

"Mom...?" he croaked.

"Hi, Keithie," she said gently. "Hungry?"