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Current Joke

Funny story

Funny story

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know !!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,

"Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."

I made up a name.

"Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.

Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space.

I didn't think she was ever going to leave.

Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.

I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world.

I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!"

(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars

and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

 

( Name withheld to protect the guilty.)



You have probably seen this 10 times in your life, but it is always fun to reflect on the lives of people from Arkansas, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Western, Pennsylvania, and

You have probably seen this 10 times in your life, but it is always fun to reflect on the lives of people from Arkansas, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Western, Pennsylvania, and

West Virginia (and don't forget Alabama).

 

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You've raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rattraps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You're considered an expert on wormbeds.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.

You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

You've ever had to scratch your sister’s name out of a message that begins,

"For a good time call...."

You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You have grease under your toenails.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

You actually know which kinds of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named "Darryl."

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 

 

 

 




Actual Business Signs

Actual Business Signs

===================

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area:

"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman,

and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your

bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and

get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully--we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory.

Growing wise is optional."



This joke will soon be replaced with another..come back and check this site

(Supplied by my friend Thomas)


Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,

the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys

during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful

witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"


10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "How many were boys?"

A: "None."

Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't

you?"

A: "I went to Europe, Sir."

Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

A: "By death."

Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which

I sent to your attorney?"

A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go

to?"

A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

A:"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."

Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing

an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law somewhere."



Next joke supplied by Bob
The Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist was visiting the far off countryside with no one around when suddenly he saw
a lonely shepherd by his house, sitting on the porch patting his dog.
He decided he wanted to have a little fun….

Ventriloquist: “Hey – good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?“
Shepherd: “ The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie”.
Ventriloquist: “ Hey dog, how’s it going old mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ alright.”
Shepherd: ( extreme look of schock )

Ventriloquist: “ Is this Shepherd your owner?” ( pointing at the man)
Dog: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “ How does he treat you?”
Dog: “ Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Shepherd: ( look of disbelief)


Ventriloquist: “ Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Shepherd: “ Horse doesn’t talk either.”
Ventriloquist: “ Hey Horse, how’s going?”
Horse: “ Cool .”
Shepherd: ( extreme look of schock )
Ventriloquist: “ Is this your owner? ( pointing at the Shepherd )
Horse: “ Yep “
Ventriloquist: “ How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “ Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often,
and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Shepherd: ( total look of amazement )


Ventriloquist: “ Mind if I talk to your sheep? “
Shepherd: “ The Sheep Lies . “





To Be Continued.......
Come back to this page...it is going to change !!

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