A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:
"SCHMUCK"
The next Friday night he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But, this week, I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."
From: David Mandelbaum
Subject: Signs that you are in Flatbush
You find yourself waiting on line to get into 'standing room only' at
Dougie's on Saturday Night.
There are no Starbucks or Barnes & Nobles in sight. There are, however,
5 kosher pizza places within a three block radius.
The only person to respond to your "Good Shabbos's" is the guy asking
for change on the corner.
There are at least three shuls/shteibel's on every block, but the one
you daven at, is five blocks away from your house.
Every bakery and restaurant requires at least three hashgacha's.
Finding a parking spot on Ave. J on a Friday afternoon is your week's
biggest triumph.
You are put in Cherem for carrying within the eruv.
Defense Department security experts are unable to penetrate your shul's mechitza.
Every Yeshiva bochur must have a beeper hanging on his belt, right
Next to his cell phone and Blackberry.
Your parents' small 3-bedroom house with shared driveway can sell for $750,000.
You can't go a day without seeing some 16 year old driving Daddy's Lexus
(poorly).
My shul's mechitza is treif because Rav Moshe said so.
My shul's mechitza is kosher because Rav Moshe said so.
The Vaad just isn't kosher enough.
Every wedding reception is separate seating, except for the chatan and
kallah who, for some reason, may sit together. The smorg and the
Viennese table, however, must have mixed pushing and shoving.
Sheva brachos may be mixed seating if you have goyish or modern
Orthodox relatives, but the rabbi won't come unless he is in a "separate
Seating section."
Men who are barely shomer Shabbat wear black hats and raincoats at their
chuppa.
Rabbis won't be mevatel Torah by attending the Salute to Israel
Parade, but will attend every political function with Noach Dear or Dov
Hikind.
Nobody eats "at" someone's house, they eat "by" someone's house.
Every kid's name ends with y or ie, i.e., Duvie, Malky, etc.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome
(Thu, 30 Nov 2000)
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.
The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord."
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.
After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right, the charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.
A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.
After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter. "1 Shekel 50" ($0.42).
The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?" The Rabbi smiles and says, "Local call."
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