TRANSCRIPTION OF CONAN'S APPEARANCE ON
'DIE HARALD SCHMITDT SHOW'
Oct.21 1997.
A transcript put together as accurately as she could - by Sabine Sorg.
Harald put the questions in German and Conan had them translated via an earphone. Conan's answers were not translated as subtitles but as a voice over in German. So to do this transcript, I had to move the tape back and forth several times for every sentence to understand Conan's words. So, if sometimes you think: "Conan doesn't talk like that!" Blame it on me, not on Conan. Because Conan sometimes reacted to things Harald said in German, and because the translator messed up at least one time, I wrote down the questions in German and did a short translation in brackets.
Conan was introduced as "Late Night Superstar Talk Show Host".
HS: Herzlich Willkommen!
(Welcome to Cologne!)
COB: Thank you very much... it's great here. I love it here ...terrific!
HS: Das erste Mal in Deutschland? Das erste Mal in Köln?
(Is this the first time you have visited Colone, Germany?)
COB: My first time in Germany... I've never been here before. I came here late last night and it's a great city. I love it that they refill the beer before you drink it down. They don't do that in any other place in the world, just here.
HS: Ja, das ist Kölsch: "Dat künnt bei uns vom Härze!
(Local slang... It comes from the heart!)
COB: It's great!
HS: Normalerweise wenn amerikanische Gäste zu uns kommen, sehen sie Europa in zweieinhalb Tagen: Heidelberg, Wien, Budapest, ein bisschen St. Pauli, und wieder zurück nach Amerika.
(Usually our American guests see Europe in two and a half days: Heidelberg, Vienna, Budapest, a little bit of St. Pauli (part of Hamburg, famous for his sex clubs and prostitutes) and then back to the States).
COB: Yes.
HS: Haben Sie länger Zeit, oder müssen sie auch gleich wieder nach drüben?
(Will you spend more time here, or do you have to go back at once?)
COB: No no, I'm gonna do the "American Tour". Which means, I drive by at a McDonald's - I have been at a McDonald's - go to a movie theatre, watch an American film, then I go back to America and say: "I love Germany!" That's how it happens!"
HS: Für mich hier in Deutschland ist es sehr sehr hart. Late Night - ein knüppelhartes Geschäft, es reicht zum Leben, aber man hat kaum Freizeit, (Conan nods his head), man sieht nichts von der Welt. Ich kann nur neidvoll nach New York, nach Manhattan schauen. Wie ist es, wenn man in Manhattan eine tägliche Late Night Show moderiert? In diesem Schmelztiegel, mit diesen tollen Frauen, diese Milliarden of Dollars, die da gezahlt werden.... was ist das für ein Gefühl, wenn man dann hierher aufs Land kommt?
(This is basically an (ironic) rant about how bad the life of German talkshow hosts is. No free time, no money, no women. He the asks Conan to compare their lives.)
COB: " I... No, it's great here... but when we do a late night show, we never get outside. (To Harald:) You're a good example. Nobody ever sees you walking on the street... (Harald shakes his head in mocked despair) You have no life. You're trapped inside, here in this studio - filled with self-loathing - and ah... there's ah... You're trapped! You're a trapped man. And the only people you see are the people in the audience every night. That's the love you get! Right.? Now! Same thing in New York, there's no difference. You do your show... I'm on very late at night... and I get to see very few beautiful women - except the ones that come to the show.
HS: Das sind ja diese Supermodels..."
COB: Supermodels? We're speaking the universal language here!
HS: Ja! Normalerweise heisst es bei uns "Mannequin" oder "Probierfräulein" ...
The German word is "Probierfräulein"! (He translated that himself... "Probierfräulein" is a very old and uncommon term - I didn't even know it. It got big laughs though, because it sounds so stupid.)
COB: Yeah!
HS: Sie wohnen sogar im selben Haus wie Linda Evangelista und Cindy Crawford?"
(You live in the same appartment as L. Evangelista and C. Crawford?)
COB: Yes, I moved into an apartment building in New York City where Linda Evangelista and Cindy Crawford are living. I live on the same floor as Cindy Crawford (Harald gasps). And ah.... it was very exciting for me. I kept waiting to meet Cindy Crawford. She lives right down the hall. And I can see her door every night when I come home and I stare at the door. I keep looking. And I keep thinking: maybe, maybe Cindy will come out. And the I'm like that: ... (makes a funny face, maybe best described as "like a little puppy") And I was waiting to meet her and then one day, I came out of my apartment building ... I was rushing to get to work, Cindy Crawford - looking beautiful - stepped into the elevator. And ... this was my big chance! I had just woken up! And you know, when you wake up - you're just not ready yet. You can't think. I came out of deep sleep. I saw Cindy Crawford and I tried to speak to her. And I said: (mumbling) "I'm Conan O'Brien of the show... nice to see you at the sh... (stuttering) show... I do the the show... Cindy..." and she was getting like ... (leans back in the chair and puts his hands up for protection) ... I hadn't brushed my teeth!!! ...I was running late... she was horrified, starring at me the whole time... the minute the elevator doors opened, she went away ... walked quickly away. That was my one chance with Cindy Crawford and nothing happened at all.
HS: War das in der Zeit, als sie noch mit Richard Gere verheiratet war?
(She was still married to Richard Gere at that time?)
COB: Yes, she was still with Richard Gere at the time. I thought - I'm better than Richard Gere. I'm handsomer, I have done some big movies in my day - they just weren't released, but... and I thought she should be with me!
(And now comes the point, where the translator screwed up.)
HS: Und der grösste Unterschied zwischen ihnen und Richard Gere ist...
(And the biggest difference between You and Richard Gere is…)
COB: Yeah, exactly - no one knows we're tall. No one knows YOU'RE tall! (the Translator must have told him "and you are bigger than Richard Gere!" or something)
HS: Nein, das täuscht im Fernsehen unglaublich!
( Aaah, I don't know how to translate that... let's say "Things seem to be smaller on TV!")
COB: Yeah, in person ... People think you're average tall when in person you are like nine feet tall! (Harald is about as tall as Conan.)
HS: Ja! ...ah... NEIN!
COB: He's... ah... he's.... ah.... When he first comes out every night on the
show, the audience doesn't react right away. Because they are afraid of you. You're so tall - it's scaring them!
HS: Moment - Stop it - the audience doesn't react? War das Ihr Eindruck?"
("That was your impression?")
COB: There's just a moments hesitation when you come out - just a moment...
HS: That's it!
COB: ...and the non-stop laughter for an hour.
HS: Ja, so war das heute, oder? (Louder:) So war das doch heute!!!"
(Kind of menacing: "It happened like this, right?" The well trained audience applauded obediently...)
They then showed some clips from LNwCOB, including Conan turning into the Incredible Hulk, Conan wrestling a plastic alligator, Conan and Andy dressed up as stage hands at a Michael Jackson concert accidentally opening a valve so Jackson gets "cooked" by "hot steam", and Conan getting kicked in the head by Jackie Chan.
(While both are waiting for the applause to die down)
COB: That's fun!
HS: Jackie Chan?
COB: Yes, Jackie Chan...
HS: Sie haben auch eine Band?
(You too have music on the show?" "Band" meaning "group"...)
COB: Pardon me?" (Again, the translator...)
HS: Sie haben eine Band in der Show?
(you have a band on the show?)
COB: A band??? (waits for the translation)
Yeah, we have music on the show.
HS: Der grossartige Max Weinberg, der sogar früher schon für Bruce Springsteen gespielt hat.
(I think you can figure that one out yourself...)
COB: Yeah, he used to play with Bruce Springsteen .... now he's with me... so his career is down the toilet. (I'm not sure he really said that.)
HS: Nein!!! .... Wie ist das, wenn Sie zu Ihren Eltern kommen. Ihre Eltern leben in Boston?
(Your parents live in Boston?)
COB: That's right.
HS: Und sie sind Ärzte. Und Sie selber sind ja On Top ausgebildet: Harvard, Magna Cum Laude abgeschlossen, ein richtiger Intellektueller. Wie reagieren Ihre Eltern auf das, was Sie unter der Woche machen?
(...Harvard... blablabla... You're a real intellectual. What do your parents think about your work?)
COB: They are just very upset. They think that I should do something to help the world. Which I am not. They ... actually they like my work. I was a writer for a while on The Simpsons... for several years... They've always liked the work I do. And they're happy that I make money, so... they're proud.
HS: Das würde mich mal interessieren: money. Man liesst hier in Deutschland so wahnsinnige Zahlen. Wieviel verdient man als Late Night Moderator in Amerika?"
(Now, money and diseases are Haralds favorite topics, so he asks Conan how much money a talk show host in America makes.)
COB: How much do I make? In comparison to everybody... I make a good living. I'm very happy with the living I make. But compared to David Letterman, Jay Leno - the big hosts - I make practically nothing. I pretty much work for free ... compared to those people.
HS: Ich kann das nachvollziehen...
(I feel the same...)
(Big laughs.... Everybody in the audience knows that Schmidt earns the equivalent of a small car every night).
COB: But I'm happy! I'm not in it for the money!
HS: No, absolutely not!
COB: I do not do this for the money. I do this for the spiritual fulfilment.
HS: Nach diesen Worten habe ich immer gesucht, und endlich ist es mal formuliert. Was machen sie jetzt? Stürzen sie sich noch ins köllner Nachtleben, wenn die Show vorbei ist?
(I never knew how to put this. Now at least somebody found the words. What are you doing now after the show? Will you go out and enjoy the night life of Cologne?)
COB: I was told that you were gonna take me out. I heard that I was going out for a drink with you.
HS: (laughs) O.K.!
COB: (grinning) You don't seem... That wasn't very convincing!
HS: Doch!
(Sure!)
COB: You went "o. k."! "O.k." means "no"! Doesn't it?
HS: NEIN!!!
COB: Yes, "o.k." means "no"!
HS: (reaching out to shake his hand) Thank you very much! Good luck! Conan O'Brien, meine Damen und Herren!
COB: On NBC Europe!
HS: Auf NBC Europe, jede Nacht um 23:00 Uhr!
(On NBCEurope, weeknights at 11PM)
The NBC Europe information given at the end of this interview has now changed. See KEEP EUROPE CONETASTIC!! for the details.