The Midnight Rambler
Each week Conan O'Brien plies his guests with hundreds of insightful, probing, and deeply personal questions about their lives -- now he answers 31 of them himself
By Rob Tannenbaum Details November 1996
Details: Conan, thank you for joining us, great to see you again. Tell us about your new movie.
Conan: I'm really excited about the movie. I know I've said that about every movie, on every appearance I've made on this show. The other times I was full of shit. This time I'm not lying - I'm really, really excited. Just an incredible cast, and Kevin Costner was terrific. We had a great time. . . We'll never be working together again, but for the purposes of this interview, he's a great human being and we're the best of friends.
Details: You live in Montana, right?
Conan: That's right. The thing I love about Montana is that you can get away from the whole Hollywood scene. I've talked to some of my neighbors - like Cher, Ted Turner and Jack Nicholson - and they agree. We get together at this Planet Hollywood we had built -- with Don Henley and Philip Michael Thomas - and talk about how great it is to be away from the Hollywood scene. It's terrific. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Details: You ride your horse a lot, don't you?
Conan: Yeah. I read in USmagazine that celebrities who ride horses are hot right now. So I decided to get a horse. But I'm not really a physical person, so the horse is sedated most of the time, and it moves very slowly. In fact, the horse kind of crawls on its knees because it is so doped up. It's nice. I tranquilize my horse, wait forty-five minutes, and then sit on top of him as he pulls himself slowly across my front lawn.
Details: I've seen a lot of interviews where you've said, "I will not do nudity."
Conan: I did nudity for the first year and a half of my talk show to prove I was different from Letterman, but the response was not great. People said my body was hideous. I think people used the word "abhorrent." Even thirteen year old kids said "abhorrent" - which was encouraging, because that's a pretty good word. So I started wearing clothes, and Andy did too, and the ratings went up. So no more nudity. Maybe a thong occasionally, but only in certain circumstances, like a sweeps period.
Details: When you grew up in Scotland, was there American TV?
Conan: I remember sitting around with my Scottish family watching Starsky and Hutch, which we really enjoyed. Later I found out they dubbed the episodes with Scottish accents and that changed the scripts to make it more palatable for Scots. Most of the episodes involved Starsky and Hutch finding out who stole the haggis. We also got Star Trek, except in Scotland it's called Scotty's Space Adventure. And 95 percent of it is Scotty saying, "We need more power? I can't give it to ya, captain, there's just no way." It wasn't until I came to America that I saw, "Oh, there are actually other people in Star Trek." But when you grow up in Scotland, lotsof things come as a surprise. I mean, people having both rows of teeth - that was incredible! In our country, Keith Richards is like someone in a Pepsodent commercial.
Details: You should be very excited now, because you're going to be doing a play very soon in New York City.
Conan: That's right. Theater is my first love. TV, movies, my recording career, my paintings - that's just a way to pay the rent. It's being onstage, doing the classics, that restores my soul. We're doing a theatrical version of America's Funniest Home Videos. The role of Bob Saget is played by Al Pacino. The main difference is Saget screams a lot. He shouts, "No, you're out of order." And there's a scene where he stops the show and chants "At-ti-ca!" for ten minutes. But the work is its own reward - that's what I like to say. Mostly because I've heard that it's a good thing to say. I used to say "I likes the money." But someone said its better to say "The work is its own reward." That's what good management
will do for you.
Details: For the new film, did you have someone coaching you on what it's like to be a heroin junkie?
Conan: We wanted the film to be authentic, we wanted people to know what its really like to be an addict. So we were very fortunate to have john Tesh as our technical adviser. You can tell from his music tat he's been to the edge. He's visited the dark side. You listen to him at Red
Rocks and you think, "This is a guy who rode the horse."
Details: Well, you look beautiful. That's an incredible
dress.
Conan: Thank you very much. It's a Gary Oldman - or is it Todd Oldham? No, it's Gary Oldman. It's the one dress he made, then he decided, "I'd better leave this to Todd Oldham, and I'll stick to being a weird psycho in movies."
Details: What about your parents? They must be ecstatic.
Conan: My parents are thrilled. Their only regret is that I'm not hosting a game show. My dad always thought I could be another Pat Sajak. He wants to see me spin a wheel occasionally. I try to tell him, "Dad, that's just not me. I have my own music, I have to play it my way." He watches
the show at night thinking, "Maybe tonight there'll be a cash-prize
giveaway. Maybe tonight Andy will turn a letter."
Details: You are one of the most popular performers for drag queens to do. Did you know that?
Conan: Yes I did. It's actually been a goal of mine for many years. When I was about fourteen, I looked in the mirror and said, "If you work really hard, someday you could be a popular character for drag performers." I think a lot of fourteen-year-old boys say that. If there are any out there watching tonight, I'd say, "You can do it, if you stick to your guns. If your family has an intervention, if they try to institutionalize you, the best thing to do is run away from home and live off the streets. It worked for me."
Details: You had some pretty famous visitors come backstage after the show.
ConanYeah, I'm visited by a lot of big names: Warren Beatty, Steven Spielberg. . . Mostly they come backstage to try to talk to me into leaving the business. Bruce Springsteen came backstage and said, "You're so irritating. Could you get another job?" It was terrific to meet him in person. And Regis Philbin comes backstage to talk about Kathie Lee. I'm a shoulder he can cry on. When they were first putting the show together, he had to choose between having Kathie Lee Gifford as his cohost or a shrieking rhesus monkey. And he has regrets.
Details: I've heard you used to be popular in prisons. Is that true?
Conan: Not the show -- I don't think anyone cares about the show. But I personally was very popular in prisons. I did three years in San Quentin for a traffic violation. My dance card was always full -- we'll leave it at that.
Details: Did you bring a clip?
Conan: Yes, I have a clip, and I would like to set it up if that's okay. In this scene I do something that the audience really isn't gonna appreciate, but when the scene is over they are going to feel compelled to applaud, because your stage manager will flash the applause sign. I'll nod my head and say, "Check it out, it's at theaters everywhere. You should really see this one." Which is what I say after every movie. I also like to say "From the first to the last scene, it is a nonstop ride." Or "This isn't just a movie for adults, you can bring the kids to this one." Or "This is the work I'm most proud of, even though I haven't seen it yet."
Details: Do you ever believe there could be extraterrestrial life somewhere?
Conan: Yes I do, just 'cause I think anything is possible. I don't think it's gonna be like ET though. It's gonna be yeast. I'm talking about yeast with spaceships and laser guns -- they'll say, "I am Zantor, you will now bow before me." They'll get into our bread products and pretzels and destroy us that way, but their appearance will be really disappointing.
Details: You play a therapist on the show. Ever been in therapy?
Conan: Yeah. I see a therapist every other hour. Some people say, "That's too much therapy." And I say, "Go to hell." Because I've got a lot of anger.
Details: I understand that you had Kato staying at your house.
Conan: Kato gets a bad rap. You really have to get through to the different layers to see that no, he's not dumb and lazy, he's just unintelligent and kind of unproductive.
Details: Did I frighten you?
Conan: At first you did. Your approach is very off-putting. I mean, why are you wearing Flemish armor?
Details: You're working on this project too. Tell us about it.
Conan: I opened a restaurant. I think the 50's theme has been done to death, so I had an idea: "Let's do a Depression-era restaurant that recreates what it was like when people didn't have enough to eat. Scott Baio is in on it with me, and Dick Van Patten. You go to this restaurant, and you get soup that's not very good, and some bread. It's losing a lot of money right now, and Dick Van Patten bailed out, but it's a good idea and I'm putting all my money in it
Details: Help me out 'cause I'm a city boy -- what is cow chipping?
Conan: I'm glad you asked. It's when you feed a live cow into a wood chipper and shoot ground meat all over the place. It's really fun.
Details: I understand you have some unusual hobbies.
Conan: Yeah. In my free time, I like to raise the dead. It's fun - it relaxes me. I got Lincoln up and going for about two hours, but then he had some bad seafood and was gone.
Details: I've always wanted to meet you, because before you did films, you made these great comedy albums.
Conan: I'm glad you remember. I did three albums of knock-knock jokes in the late '70s. to this day I walk down the street and people say to me, "Knock-knock." And I say, "Canoe." And they say, "Canoe who?" And I say, "Canoe please leave me alone?" People: I want nothing to do with them.
Details: I understand you're from a big showbiz
family.
Conan: Oh yeah. You've probably heard of them, the Von Trapp family. But I changed my name. "Late Night with Conan Von Trapp" just didn't
seem great.
Details: When you wrestle somebody, isn't it a good tactic to smell really bad?
Conan: I haven't showered in like two weeks. A lot of times on the talk show you can actually see people back away from me a little bit. Fran Drescher was almost knocked over - it was like she'd been hit with a baseball bat. If I can't get by on wit or charm, I'm gonna be the guy that smells really bad.
Details: Did you actually smoke a lot of pot?
Conan: The '60s was a rough time for me. I experimented, that's all I'm saying. I took Robitussin. I drank whole milk for two years and saw colors I've never seen since. I once put butter on a croissant. You know how crazy that is? Croissants are baked with butter! I'm speaking for a generation here -- we did things that were a little on the edge, because we thought we couldn't be hurt. One of my kids put butter on his croissant? I'd kick his ass!
Details: I know you're a workout fiend.
Conan: I work my forehead a lot, to get that Linus Pauling look. I want people at home lying in bed to think, "My God, that guy takes care of his forehead!"
Details: Did this idea just come to you in the middle of the night?
Conan: It did. I just woke up and thought, "It's high time I made a fool of myself," and when an idea hits you that hard, you just act on it immediately, so I said, "Get me that guy from Details, let's have him to ask me some of the crap I've asked other people."
Details: You've got this movie, The Pompatus of Love.
Conan: I thought if I came up with a very confusing name for a movie, people would feel they had to go see it to find out what it was all about. So far that idea has not worked.
Details: What kind of job is this? Why don't you become a temp?
Conan: This is what people have demanded from me. At least I think so, I've never asked. In fact, I've gotten a lot of evidence to the contrary, but I'm not paying attention.
Details: Do you ever get turned on during sex scenes?
Conan: When I'm doing a sex scene with Sharon Stone or Uma Thurman, it's work, that's all it is. I don't think of it as actually a sex scene, understand. I'm just there to make the scene work, and the fact that
I'm impotent helps tremendously. Below the waist, it's just like Novocain, and yeah, that helps.
Details: What's next for you?
Conan: I'm really looking forward to spending time with my family, which I purchased about a month ago. They're a Philippine family, they'll be here any day now. You know, people think it's all about success and money, but if you can't spend quality time with the family you just purchased, then what have you accomplished? So I'm excited to meet these people.
Details: Hey, thanks for coming. Good luck with the new film -- it opens Friday.
Conan: Thank you. It's my best work to date - if it's the one I'm thinking of. It's nonstop action, and you really should bring the kids - if it's the one I think it is. And please, see it more than once, because that means more money for me. And I likes the money.
Copyright Details November 1996