It's A Wonderful Hart--Part Four

"Aren’t you going to follow her?" Jonathan didn’t usually butt into other people’s private spats but he couldn’t believe what a jerk and self-serving man Alexander had turned out to be.

Alexander looked at him. "It’s better if I let her vent a little. Amazing isn’t it? On a night of great success, she still isn’t happy."

Not so amazing, Jonathan thought to himself. If you paid attention.

"Let me get you another drink Mr. Hart."

"I’m fine for now. I think I’ll just mingle a bit." Jonathan headed in the same direction as Jennifer.

Jennifer stood outside. She hadn’t even gotten her coat so the cold winter night stabbed at her through her exposed skin. She stood looking out over the street, wondering if anyone would notice if she just took a cab and went home, to Maryland.

"Mind if I join you?"

Why wasn’t she surprised that he’d come? Because that was the kind of man he was. And while social etiquette dictated she should send him back inside, she didn’t. "I’d enjoy your company."

Jonathan realized she didn’t have her coat. "You must be freezing." He took off his tuxedo jacket and put it around her shoulders.

"I was too mad to go back inside and get it."

"I’ll go get it. Then we can go for coffee or something stronger if you need it."

Jennifer laughed. "That might set tongues a wagging. You’re getting my coat and our leaving."

"Do you care?"

Jennifer looked at Jonathan. His cheeks were flush from the cold, his bright blue eyes twinkled and then he smiled that amazing smile.

"No, I guess I don’t."

"Good." Jonathan got her coat and the two of them hailed a cab to anywhere.

"This looks like as good a place as any." Jonathan said as he opened the door to the bar.

"I’m sure it will be fine." They sat at a table and ordered drinks. "We’re a little out of place in our formal attire."

Jonathan shrugged. "It will get us better service."

Jennifer looked at him quizzically.

"We look like good tippers," he explained.

Jennifer smiled.

"You have a wonderful smile," he said not wanting to hold such a tight rein on his feelings.

"I have often thought the same about you."

"Really?" They both smiled then.

"I’m sorry to have ruined the evening for you. People are going to wonder what happened to you." Jennifer began to feel guilty for needing Jonathan with her.

"Not really. Once the alcohol and food start flowing, people won’t notice. And you didn’t ruin the evening."

"I’m sure you’re the only one who thinks so." Jennifer gulped down her drink causing Jonathan to raise and eye. He hailed the waitress of another. He wanted to tell her what he thought of Alexander but then she might be in the position to defend him.

"I’m not quite sure how I got to this place in my life."

Jonathan didn’t say anything.

"He didn’t get it. Or maybe he did and he doesn’t care." This time Jennifer took a sip of her drink.

Jonathan could see the sadness in her eyes and wondered how any man could live with himself for causing such pain.

"I really thought it was the perfect situation. We are quite compatible. We have very independent lives and let each other live them coming together out of mutual desire to be together."

Jonathan nodded. He understood fully what she was saying. After all, wasn’t it the same with Cat?

"Somewhere along the way I lost myself I guess."

God he wanted to help find her. He reached out and took her hand. A wave of warmth spread from her hand to the rest of her body. Instead of pulling away she grasped his hand and savored the feel of true love.

Jonathan watched her. Her eyes always drawing him in. He could tell what she was feeling all through the look in her eyes. He wished he could lose himself in them, watch them turn cloudy from passion, passion he wanted to show her but never could.

"Would you like to dance?" he asked.

At first Jennifer thought he wasn’t paying attention. She just bared her soul and his response was to ask her to dance. She looked into his eyes and saw instead desire, desire to hold her.

"I’d like that."

Taking her hand Jonathan led her to the dance floor. Although the bar played more contemporary music than they were used to listening too, Jonathan recognized the slower riff of a love song. On the dance floor, he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her to him, close but not too close. Jennifer could feel his warm breath on her ear and it shot a wave of desire straight to her core. Her body acted on its own when it pressed closer. As they glided along the dance floor, they lost themselves in each other and the song. She fit perfectly against him, as if she was meant to be there and for a moment he wished he weren’t the type of man to cling to loyalty and commitment.

Jennifer could almost hear the click as the two perfect pieces of their bodies came together. She let him lead her around the room in a slow graceful rhythm, the same rhythm she was sure he’d use if they made love. She let her mind wonder, finally pondering what could have been had they met all those years ago in London. Images came to her as clear as if they were real. Dancing in a foyer, tipsy like now, on an anniversary. Standing entwined watching a sunset off the bow of a boat. Horseback riding together across a mountain meadow. Jennifer lost herself in the images, responding to them as if they were real. Her hand slid up his back and rested at the base of his neck. Her fingers lightly brushed the back of his neck.

Jonathan held back a groan as Jennifer’s touch shot fire straight to his loin. Hoping to avoid the embarrassment of a physical response, he tried to focus on something, anything, other than her warm, firm body rubbing against his. But his mind filled with images of her and him and a life they never could have. Walking on a tropical beach, holding hands and watching the sun go down. Dancing along the Themes to the rhythm of their own hearts. Seeing her eyes in a child, looking at him and calling him daddy. And then it wasn’t arousal but love that flowed through his body and he pulled her close, letting his hand slide up to the exposed part of her back.

His touch shocked her system, almost like in a climax. She wasn’t able to hold back the sigh. She wanted this, to be held by him, to talk to him, to love him. How would she ever stop now that she had a taste?

Jonathan felt her body shudder and for a moment he thought he’d gone too far. But then her breath released and her body seemed to melt against his more. She was completely pliant in his arms. And he never wanted to let her go. As so he held on as the words of the song seemed to tell their story.

Jennifer could feel the sting of tears rising. She’d never felt so complete, so perfect in a man's arms. The love filled her heart until she thought it would explode. It was the pain, the agony of an unrequited love that threatened to shatter her heart. How could she survive now knowing what she was missing?

The words of the song sent a pang of hurt and desperation to their hearts. This was it, their moment to be together. It would be only a moment, insignificant in the great scheme of things. But for Jonathan and Jennifer, this moment was everything and would always be everything.

And then it was over.

"I should probably get you back to the benefit." Jonathan stepped back but let his arms linger around her.

"I’m not going back. I’ll go home but you should go back."

Jonathan nodded. "I’ll escort you home."

Jennifer nodded in return. They stood gazing at each other, know that in any other situation the moment would have been completed with a kiss, a kiss they could both only dream about.

Jennifer was lying in bed, unable to sleep when she heard Alexander come in. He was quiet as he changed his clothes and then climbed into bed. He fell asleep facing away from her as she was facing away from him. Jennifer realized the situation was metaphorical. Here were to people together but separate. She understood now that her marriage would not survive such a lifestyle. And she wasn’t so sure she wanted it to.

Jennifer sat in the window seat in her living room apartment watching the city come to life below her. As she drank her coffee, she took a close, painful look at her life. She loved Jonathan, that she knew. Her feelings about it were as confused and complicated as the situation itself. She knew it was wrong to love another man, another married man. And yet, her love felt so pure, so real how could that be wrong?

"Jennifer?" Alexander had been watching her before calling out to her. He could tell she was lost in some sort of inner battle. A battle for what, he didn’t know. But a tinge of worry rose through him as he wondered if it involved him.

"Alexander." Jennifer forced a smile.

"We missed you last night."

"I’m sure you and your mother did fine." Jennifer turned towards the window again. Was her love for him dead? Did she ever really love him?

Alexander pulled a chair over by the window to sit next to her. "I’m sorry I made you angry."

Jennifer didn’t look at him. "You hurt me. Do you even know why? What you did?"

Alexander lowered his head. He didn’t know, of course. He knew he was self-absorbed. Not that he meant to be rude or selfish. He was the product of his upbringing, which gave him the world and all his desires without having to consider others.

"I didn’t think so." Jennifer said when he failed to respond.

"We agreed that mind reading was not realistic between couples."

"It doesn’t take a seer to know why I was hurt Alexander. The problem is you don’t care."

"Jennifer I do care about you. I love you."

Jennifer knew it was true. Alexander cared and loved her in his own way. He made no demands on her and until now she’d never made demand on him. He was so used to having thing go his own way he never even considered there were other ways of thinking, that others might want something else.

"I haven’t ever asked any more than what we agreed to when we married. Except for one thing, one thing that is a dream of mine."

"The writing."

"The writing. I have held up my end of the deal. I have run the foundation, made financially stable, a jewel in the Chancellor crown …."

"I don’t see why you say that with such disdain. You are a remarkable fundraiser Jennifer. How can you turn away what is so obviously a gift of yours."

"I’m a good driver but I don’t want to be chauffeur. Have you ever read anything I wrote? I’m certain I’m good at that and its what I want. And I’m going to do it whether you like or not." Jennifer got up to get more coffee in the kitchen.

Alexander rubbed his hands over his eyes. "You came to that decision last night when you rudely abandoned your guests?" He followed her into the kitchen.

Jennifer swung around to him, spilling some of her coffee as she did. "My guests? Since when do I have any credit much less guests at a Chancellor function."

"Where did you go last night?" All of a sudden Alexander didn’t know his wife and wondered what had put such obstinance in her.

Jennifer glared at him. He still wasn’t listening to her. "For a drink."

"Alone."

Jennifer could see the accusations in his eyes. "No."

"Have you met someone else. Is that what this is about?"

"You are so dense Alexander. This is about you not caring enough about my dreams and me. I can’t be the wife you want anymore. I won’t even try."

"What are you saying?"

"Just what I said. I’m going to the board and resigning as president. I will stay one month to find a replacement and then I am gone."

"Just from the foundation or from me too?"

"That’s up to you Alexander." Jennifer’s eyes met his head on.

"I see, so it your way or no way?"

"Seems only fair that I have a turn too. After all, for 5 years it has been your way."

Alexander was stunned, too stunned to reply. Jennifer watched him for a moment wondering if he would finally understand, would finally make the effort. "Well, you can let me know." Jennifer said after no response. She put her cup in the sink and walked out.

Jonathan entered his apartment in Los Angeles after a long sleepless night and equally as uncomfortable flight. He expected to come home to an empty apartment and was surprised to find Catherine home.

"Jonathan." Catherine put down the papers she was working on and stood up to greet him.

"Cat, I didn’t think you’d be home."

Catherine frowned. He seemed almost disappointed she was there. "Still wanting to punish me for being successful at my job."

Jonathan was too weary to fight. "No malice was intended." He put his bags down and went to embrace her in a welcome. They hugged and he kissed her cheek. The gesture was tense and forced.

"How was the benefit?"

"I understand it was a success." Jonathan headed to the bar for a drink.

"You didn’t go?"

"I did my part."

"I’m sorry I missed it…." She wanted to say something else but couldn’t think of what it should be.

"How’s the case?"

Cat watched Jonathan and for the first time didn’t feel free to express her complete excitement at the case and the opportunity it provided. That fact angered her. "Do you really want to know?"

Jonathan turned to her, surprised by the curtness in her voice. "Yes, Cat. Despite what you think, I admire your work."

"It’s hard to tell when you are always complaining about it."

"I only complain that you work too much. We don’t spend time together. Why is it so unreasonable of me to want to spend time with my wife?" Jonathan drank the two fingers of whisky and poured some more.

Cat bit her lower lip. "I don’t think it’s unreasonable. But you never talk about weekend outings. You talk about round the world trips and other excursions that would require me to leave my work."

"I’m tired Cat. We keep going around and around on this. I say I want to spend time with you and you translate it into I want you to quit. I don’t know how to say it anymore clearer and right now I don’t want to try. Keep your job, Cat. Take the cases you need to get your partnership. I know its what you want and I know you are good at it." Jonathan finished his drink and headed to the bedroom.

"Jonathan?" Cat was stunned. What had gotten into him lately? She followed him into the bedroom. "It’s not like you don’t work long hours too."

He swung around towards her. His narrow, glaring eyes frightened her. "I need something to pass the time while you’re working. I could leave it all in a minute if you wanted me to. What would you like me to do Cat?"

Cat looked at him like a deer with its eyes caught in headlights.

"Let me know when you decide one way or another." Jonathan stormed off to the bedroom and went to bed.

The next week Jonathan went through the motions of his life. He realized that was what he’d been doing for a long time, even before he met and married Cat. In fact, since Max had died, Jonathan had ceased to pay attention to life, to grab it and live it full force as he’d done since meeting Max. It wasn’t until meeting Jennifer that he’d realized how numb he was inside. How much he’d settled for less than he could get. Max would have been disappointed. No, not disappointed but sad for Jonathan just the same.

Jonathan drove up the winding road that led to the hilltop cemetery. Parking his car, he walked towards the big oak tree that shaded the gravesite of his friend, mentor, and for all intensive purposes his father, Max. Jonathan sat leaning against the tree and took out a cigar.

"Here’s to you Max," Jonathan holding the cigar up to salute. "I sure could use you around now because I’m not doing very well." Jonathan took a puff on the cigar. "On the other hand, you’d probably box my ears."

Jonathan sat in silence for a few minutes. "Max, I’m in love with a married woman and she’d not my wife." Jonathan paused as if he expected Max to materialize and chastise him. "And it could have been different. If only I’d returned her call." That was what made the whole situation so unbearable. It wasn’t bad enough to have met too late but to have known their paths could have crossed… almost crossed all those years ago. That hurt. If only he’d called her. If only she’d come to the bar. Jonathan knew he’d have fallen in love with her then.

"She was the one Max. I feel for her like I never felt for anyone. I never knew you could feel like this. And I want more than anything to take her away from that ungrateful husband of hers. And for that I have terrible guilt. God, it turns out I am a heel."

"You will do what’s right."

Jonathan heard the voice but never questioned it. He’d been so close to Max, he knew what he’d tell him.

"That’s the thing. What is right is not clear. Being with Jennifer feels right, perfect. But leaving Cat for another woman, that doesn’t feel right either."

"Is it more right to stay with someone when you love another?"

"See, that’s the dilemma."

"Are you more worried about what others will think?"

"Maybe I am more worried about what I will think." Jonathan took another puff of the cigar and continued to debate with himself about what was best. "I don’t know if I have been fair to Cat. In some ways I blame her for my unhappiness because her job takes so much time but in reality that’s what attracted me to her in the first place. I am the one who has changed and is trying to change things in the marriage after the fact." And that bothered him a great deal. It didn’t seem fair to demand her to accommodate to his new goals and dreams in life. It made him wonder if two people could really spend a lifetime together maintaining the same goals in life. Of course, at the time he met and married Catherine, he didn’t really have goals and dreams. His work had become a dominant part of his life not out of a dream but out of a necessity to survival. The grief after Max’s death was devastating and work was the only way to cope. So, he hadn’t really changed. He was now coming out of a three-year fog and having to deal with the repercussions of acting without really paying attention. The question was, how could he turn around the events in his life that had led him to a place he didn’t want to be?

"I leave for New York on Sunday for a board meeting on Monday. I hope to God she resigns then. If I can’t have her, at least I could have the joy of knowing she was living the life she needed to live… that I helped give her." Jonathan pressed his fingers to his eyes. "At least I met her." He put out the cigar and set it on Max’s grave. Then he left.

Jennifer closed her laptop and checked the clock. Three in the afternoon. She had been writing for six hours straight and it felt good. Great! It had taken a while to get started but once she had, the words flowed as if they had been standing in line waiting to emerge. Standing up, she stretched before heading to the kitchen for a glass of wine to celebrate.

Jennifer poured the wine and stood in the kitchen as the joy of her achievement turned bittersweet. She was alone. There was no one to share in her excitement. Alexander was in Argentina on business. Although he had made some attempt to support her writing in the few days they had together before he left, she could tell it was at great effort. Still, he had said that she could accompany to Hong Kong in two weeks. She had to give him some credit for making the effort.

She looked over at the phone. Desire to call Jonathan and tell him about her writing was almost too strong to ignore. He’d be thrilled, she knew. But, she needed to forget him. Not forget him but get over the grief at having met him too late. The irritation at wanting him when she’d never be able to have him. She was gulping down the wine when she heard the doorbell.

"Pa?" she said when she answered.

"Jennifer."

"What are you doing here?"

"Since when do I need a reason to see my daughter. Are you going to let me in?"

"Yes, of course." Jennifer stood back to let her father in. "Can I get you a drink."

"Martini would be good." He watched as she headed to the bar. Something wasn’t right. It hadn’t been for a while but it seemed more obvious now than before. "How are you?"

"Good. Really good, Pa. I just wrote for an entire day and it felt wonderful."

"Writing? You’re writing again?" He knew she loved writing. It had been the one thing she’d always wanted to do.

"Yes. I will be giving my resignation at the board meeting on Monday. I’m a writer again. Marcia said she was anxious to see what I had planned." Jennifer handed her father his drink.

"I’m so pleased Jennifer. I know you didn’t want to give up the writing."

"No I didn’t," Jennifer turned away from her father to look out the window.

"And Alexander supports you?"

"He’s trying Pa." Jennifer turned back to him with a sheepish smile. "He’s in South America now but he’s bringing me to Hong Kong on the next trip."

"I’m glad to hear it. I always thought that boy should give you more than he did."

Jennifer smiled at her father’s use of the word boy. All her boyfriends had been ‘boys’ in his eyes. "He’s not thrilled but he’s making the effort because he knows it’s important to me."

"Good." Steven took a sip of his drink. He eyed Jennifer over the rim of the glass and wondered what she wasn’t saying. "Anything else?"

"Else?"

"You seem a little melancholy. Since your husband is trying to let you have your dream and you spent the whole day writing, you don’t seem as thrilled as I’d expect you to be."

Jennifer sat in the window seat wondering how she could… if she could… tell her father about Jonathan.

"I know I haven’t been the most attentive father …"

"Pa, you are the best father."

He nodded. "Be that as it may, I could have been there for you." Jennifer knew he was referring to her difficulties with Alexander. "But, you can talk to me about anything Jennifer."

"Ohhh, it’s a mess Pa." Jennifer broke down and cried.

Steven’s eyes widened in surprise. Whatever it was, it was worse than he imagined. "There, there." He sat next to her, pulling her to him.

"I’ve met someone."

Oh, it really was worse. "Another man?" Steven tried to mask the disapproval in his voice.

"Yes." Jennifer looked up to see the reaction in her father’s eyes. "A married man."

"A married man?" Steven was stunned. But seeing Jennifer so distraught, he knew he had to put his personal feelings aside. "Is it serious?"

"We’ve never… I mean we didn’t… we’re just friends."

Steven nodded. She hadn’t broken her vows. "But you’re in love with him."

"Yes. He’s so perfect Pa. When I’m with him, he makes me feel valued, confident, interesting…"

"Well of course you are all those things."

"I know, but he makes me feel it."

Steven nodded. He understood. He knew Alexander was lean with the sincerity and compliments.

"If only…"

"If only what?"

"Our paths almost crossed ten years ago. If they had, things would have been different."

"Our lives are always filled with choices. We can’t be so sure that one choice would have led us to something better."

Jennifer looked up at her father again. "I know with all my heart, Pa, that I would have loved him, stilled loved him, if we’d met then. I can’t tell you how or why but I feel it."

"And how does he feel about you?"

"I think he feels the same. We sort of agreed not to talk about it. Pa, he donated a million dollars the foundation so I could leave and write."

Steven had heard of generous gestures but none so generous. He must love his daughter and he could only guess at the ache they felt at wanting to love each other but not being able to. "What are you going to do?"

"I wish I knew. If Alexander hadn’t started to try more, I would have left. I think I wish he had fought me on this. But now, for the first time in our marriage he is trying. I feel like I need to try too. It would always hang over me if I didn’t."

Steven nodded. "You’re probably right." Because he couldn’t think of any words of wisdom or guidance, he held Jennifer in support.