Confessions

"Dawson?" he hears from the window. He sits up quickly in bed.

"Yeah?" he responds, though he knows the voice well. He watches as Jen climbs in through the window. "Hey," he says to her with a smile.

"Hey yourself," she says as she walks over and sits on the edge of the bed.

"Listen, Jen, about tonight . . . I'm not sure if I feel like catching a movie . . ." he begins.

"Dawson, it's okay. I didn't think you would. I understand. Actually, I just came over to see if you wanted to talk."

"About?" he asks, though he has a pretty good idea.

"About today, the library, Joey, everything."

Dawson sinks back into the pillows and squeezes his eyes shut. "I just don't know what to think anymore."

"What do you feel about all this? Do you like Joey?" Jen asks. She waits pensively for a response.

"Do I like her? Well, yeah, I mean, I like her. She's my best friend. I've known her practically my whole life. But do I like her in the way you mean? I don't know. I just don't know anymore . . ." he trails off and sighs again, seemingly at his wits end.

Jen scoots closer and touches his hand. "I'm sorry, I should go. You need time to think." She gets up and starts back for the window.

"Jen, wait . . ." he says. She stops and turns back towards him but doesn't move any closer. She waits for him to speak. "I . . . this isn't about you and I. This is about Joey and me. It's about my best friend and me. If we were talking about any other girl, there would be nothing to think about but . . . I just don't know how *not* to be friends with Joey. I'm going to have to figure this out. You do understand, don't you?" he asks hopefully.

"Yeah," she smiles, "I do. Call me tomorrow if you want to talk okay?"

"Okay," he replies. She walks over and puts her feet out the window. Just before she ducks her head out, Dawson says, "Thanks Jen." She just smiles, nods, and then she is gone.

Dawson is left alone with his thoughts once again. He gets up from the bed and walks over to a bookshelf in the corner. He picks up a large, leather photo album and carries it back over to the bed. Sitting down again, he begins leafing through the book. It contains pictures of he and his friends and family that go all the way back to when he was a little kid. A smiles tugs at his lips as he glances at the memories before him. Most of the photos are of him and Joey. He's known her for so long . . . how is he going to make it if things change? If Joey can't be his friend, what will he do?

A rustling at the window draws Dawson from his thoughts again. This time, he looks up to see Pacey enter the room. "What is this, Grand Central Station?" Dawson mutters as his friend steps into the room.

"Huh?" Pacey asks.

"Nothing," Dawson says. "So, what's going on?"

Pacey walks over to the bed. He looks down at the book in front of Dawson. "What have you got there?" he asks.

"Just some old pictures," he says.

Pacey smiles and points to one of the photos. "I remember that," he says. It is a picture of the two of them with Joey. It was taken on Halloween when they were about 9 years old. They had dressed up like the Three Musketeers.

Dawson smiles, "Yeah, we used to have a lot of fun together . . ."

"We still do, we just don't play with plastic swords anymore," Pacey interjects.

Dawson grins slightly, but not at Pacey's comment. He's thinking about all the times he's spent with Joey and Pacey over the years. Recently, it just seems like all of it has changed. "Why'd we have to grow up Pace? Why couldn't we all be nine years old forever?" he asks as he continues to stare at the book.

"Snap out of it Dawson," Pacey instructs. "This isn't helping you at all. We all grow up; its time to face the fact that everything is bound to change sooner or later. Life isn't a movie script, Dawson."

"Yeah, that's a fact that has been made abundantly clear to me lately. Nothing in my life seems to be going the way I had planned it."

"That's because you spend too much time planning and not enough time doing. Stop thinking so much! Stop trying to figure out every aspect of every decision you make before you even make it. Just let yourself live." Pacey is standing by the bed with his hand resting on the post. Dawson looks up at him but says nothing. He closes the book and walks back over to put it in its place on the shelf.

He sits back on the bed and looks up at Pacey with a sad look. "It's kind of hard not to think about it when you may have just lost your best friend," he says in a dejected tone.

"You didn't lose her," Pacey says quietly. "I think maybe you just found out a little more about her than you wanted to let yourself see. But, this has always been there Dawson. It certainly isn't news to me."

"Well, if it was so obvious I wish you would have filled me in," Dawson replies.

"Are you kidding? You mean to tell me that you never, not even for one minute, entertained the thought of you and Joey? You're not only kidding me, Dawson Leery, you're kidding yourself if you believe that."

"We're best friends!" Dawson protests.

"Well, you're my best friend, too, but you don't see me making goo-goo eyes at you. And you and I aren't nearly as . . . as protective of each other as you and Joey. There's always been something more between you two."

"Pacey, that's only because you and I are guys. I never needed to take up for you. You could take care of yourself."

"Do I need to remind you that Joey had detention today for beating up a running back?" he points out.

> "I . . ." Dawson can't think of a response. "Well, you just know it's different. It's hard to explain but it just is."

"Yeah, I know. I know how it's different Dawson. I've been here from the beginning. I've seen this whole thing building since we were all playing together on the playground. This doesn't surprise me in the slightest."

"Well, whatever, none of that matters anyway because she hates me now."

"Dude, Joey does not hate you!" Pacey says with a laugh.

Dawson looks up at him, "Gee, I'm glad you find this so amusing," he says sullenly.

"I'm sorry, really, it's just . . . think about this logically Dawson. She practically professed her love for you today. Does that sound like the kind of thing someone does when they hate you?"

"You know what I mean. If she's felt this way for so long, do you even know how much it must have hurt her to see me with Jen?"

"You . . . God, Dawson, you amaze me, you know that?" Pacey says with a sarcastic chuckle. "Don't you even see it? I mean, think about what you just said. Your best friend basically just told your girlfriend that she's hot for you and what are you worried about? How Joey feels! Does that not tell you anything, bro?"

"Pacey, you just couldn't possibly understand . . ." Dawson says. He looks down sadly and traces the bedspread with his finger.

Pacey looks at his friend and his sarcastic comments are suddenly lost. His expression softens and he sits down on the edge of the bed beside Dawson. He claps his hand on Dawson's shoulder and says, "I understand . . . more than you know."

"How? How can you know what I feel right now when I don't even know?"

"Because, you feel like you just lost the best friend you ever had. You feel like, whether you want to admit it or not, the woman of your dreams just slipped away from you. Look, I know how stupid you think I am for this thing with Tamara. I know you think I'm just some horny teenager with raging hormones but . . ." he grows quiet and looks away. Dawson looks up at him. Quietly, Pacey says, "I really loved her, Dawson."

Suddenly, for the first time all night, it dawns on Dawson that he's not the only person in this world who has problems. "Pace, I'm sorry . . . I'm, uh, I'm being a real jerk." He scoots over to the edge of the bed so that he is sitting beside Pacey. "You know, if you ever want to talk about this . . ."

"Yeah, hey, that's okay. I think I might be better off just forgetting about it." Pacey suddenly springs from the bed, as if he's just becoming aware of what he has said to Dawson and he is uncomfortable with the way he has let his feelings be opened up for examination. "I, uh, I gotta go. I'm late and . . . well, I wouldn't want Deputy Doug coming to look for me in the squad car. I better hit the road." He walks quickly over to the window.

"Pacey . . ." Dawson starts to say but before he can get another word out his friend has disappeared. He sighs deeply again and collapses back onto the bed.

* * * * *

Joey sits quietly under the oak tree and looks up at the lights in the living room windows. Darkness has fallen over Capeside and the silence of the night air only serves to make her feel more alone. She's not sure that's a bad thing, though. She isn't sure she wants to be around anyone else right now. If she did, she'd probably be inside the house right now with Bodi and Bessie and little Alex. Instead, she is outside sitting under a tree in the front yard, feeling sorry for herself.

"God Joey, what in the hell were you thinking?" she says out loud to herself. She is sitting at the base of the tree with her legs pulled up to her chest and her head leaned back against the old tree trunk. A tear slips down her cheek as she relives that afternoon in her mind. It's too late to turn back now. If Dawson never knew how she felt about him before, he surely knows now.

The front door opens and Joey scurries quickly behind the tree so no one will see her. She hears Bessie's voice call, "Joey! Jo, are you out here?" Then she hears her say, "Bodi, maybe you should drive down to Dawson's and see if she's there."

She can hear Bodi say, "Joey will be fine. I'm sure she's with Dawson and he won't let anything happen to her." Bessie apparently decides he's right because the next thing Joey hears is her sister walking back inside and the door closing.

"Yeah, he'll take care of me. I never have to worry about anything as long as I have Dawson around," she says to herself in a sarcastic whisper. Her lip trembles as her tears start to overwhelm her. She fights them for as long as she can but in the end the tears win out. Joey lays her head on her knees and sobs.

* * * * *

A knock at the door wakes Dawson at 9 o'clock the next morning. "Yeah?" he calls groggily. He's still fully dressed and lying on the bed with the bedspread still made up. He doesn't remember falling asleep last night. The last thing he remembers is looking at the clock at almost 4am and wondering what Joey was doing at that moment. He hoped she was at home in her bed, sound asleep but he realized that, for the first time in their lives, he really had no idea where Joey was because he had no idea who she was anymore. It was like he didn't even know her now.

He is pulled from his thoughts as the person knocking at the door enters. It's his dad. "Morning, you sleep well?" he asks.

"Does it look like it?" Dawson asks with a weary grin.

Mitch Leery just gives him a sympathetic look and walks over to sit on the edge of the bed. "Anything you want to talk about Dawson?"

"Such as?"

"Such as why you were up half the night last night. I heard you in here until after 3 o'clock. And why you had a date last night and you didn't go. All you talked about Friday was that date with Jen. Did you two have a fight?"

"Dad . . . it's so complicated," Dawson says.

Mitch nods. "Well, if you want to talk you know where to find me, sport." He pats Dawson's knee lightly and gets up to leave.

"Thanks Dad," Dawson says.

Mitch smiles and nods. "Go on back to sleep. You look like you could use some more rest."

He nods as his father leaves. After he is gone, Dawson lays his head back down and closes his eyes. Just like the night before, every time he shuts his eyes he sees Joey in the library yesterday. She looks so helpless and upset and she is practically sobbing. His first instinct had been to run over and wrap her in his arms. 'Why is that?' Dawson wonders.

'Because she's your best friend you idiot,' his thoughts answer. He loves Joey, he knows that. She's always been his very best friend, his confidante, his . . . his . . . what? What else is she? Is she something more? Or does their connection end there? He had always told himself that their relationship didn't extend beyond the point of friendship. He had wanted to believe that, wanted to be able to keep things just as they were. But, then yesterday happened . . .

'It was the kiss,' Dawson thinks. 'That's what started this whole mess. I never should have let Abby con us into playing that stupid game. And I shouldn't have let Pacey push us into that dare.' But, that kiss had been something. He can't deny that he felt something. For a split second, it was as if they were the only two people in the world. She was wrapped up in his arms and he didn't need anything else to make him happy . . . But where had that feeling come from? He'd never had it before. Or, had he just never let himself feel it? Maybe that was it. Maybe Pacey was right. Had he been fooling himself into believing that Joey was *just* his best friend for all these years? It's possible, only . . . what about Jen?

That is the draw back. He might have actually considered all of this if it weren't for Jen. He'd never liked any girl as much as he likes her. When he's with her, he's always happy. If he really had feelings for Joey, would he have ever given Jen a second thought?