Lately I have received some email messages from people that I really do not appreciate. These were messages from people telling me I am "crazy", "psycho", "nuts", and the list goes on. I would like to tell these people that I do not have this page here for people to make fun of my illness. Would you laugh at someone who had cancer or Aids? I hope not. My illness is very real to me and my family, and I only want to inform and help others. ~Cari~ So, I will start off by telling you a little about my illnesses. I am bipolar (manic depressive), but the depression is the main area of my illness. I may go a year with depression, before I hit the mania stage, which will only last a few weeks.
I also have OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), and I self-injure. Well, I did, until I left my last relationship, so it's been a year-and-a-half since I last cut or burned myself. (I began self injuring again in 1999.) I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well. It is not the same as having mutliple personalities... it is difficult to explain, so at the bottom of this page, I will have a few links for those who wish to find out a little about my "ailments". I am a self injurer, or self harmer. I burn, cut, scratch myself, and it seems to be when I am so distraught with emotional pain, and I feel a relief after hurting myself.
When I was pregnant with Chantelle, my 3 year old, I was so sick with the depressive part of my illness and I didn't know what was wrong. I had stopped taking my medications, and it made me feel so bad. My spouse at the time, had told me he didn't want to pay for my meds ($150 per month is a lot), so I stopped them. I was only able to leave my bed for one hour a day, which is terrible when you have three little kids at home. A shower (which I normally have at least once a day) was a chore for me. I didn't clean, rarely cooked, and I really just wanted to die. I did not want to take my own life, I just hoped that I would perish. Nothing mattered to me, and the little sleep I got was infested with horrible nightmares.
I tried everything to get rid of headaches, but they would not go away. I wanted to surrender, and my doctor had told me I could not take anything for the depression while pregnant.
Thank God, when I was pregnant with James last year, I had an obstetrician who understood that pregnant women needed help with depression. He had contacted the Toronto Hospital for Sick Children, and received information regarding Prozac use and pregnancy. He told me it was totally safe to use while pregnant, so I had a much better pregnancy last time. I could not, however, take Rivotril (known as Klonopin in the U.S.) for treatment of acute manic episodes, painc and sleep disorders. It could cause a child to be born with seizure disorders. As far as I know, there is no really "safe" drug for mania to take while pregnant, but I was told that in extreme cases, some drugs would be used.
Mania is pretty much the opposite of depression. One may experience:
Rapid speech
A feeling of extreme well-being
Hyperactivity
Sleeplessness
Grandiose ideas (eg: thinking you are someone you are not)
Poor judgement
I will admit; I would take a mild manic episode over depression anyday. However, I have had psychotic episodes, and those are terrible. You cannot control yourself. I did not do anything really horrible, I just could not control my thoughts, my actions, and my emotions, and I wound up in the Emergency Room a few times.
I hate it when people insinuate (or say it out right) that they think I am "nuts", crazy, or "loony". I want people to realize that depression, bipolar disorder and any other psychiatric illnesses are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is why we sometimes need medications to help us. I am sure that most people don't tell their loved ones not to take Pennicillin when they have pneumonia. But, my family told me not to take Prozac, because it would make me it would make me do strange things, like we hear about in the news. Yes, some people have bad reactions, but no one has ever told me not to take my thyroid medicine!
It's May, and I seem to be depressed again. My doc decreased my meds, and I am very tired and pretty much have lost interest in everything. It is really hard for me. I just want to feel "normal". Is there any such thing? I am beginning to doubt it very much! As usual, I feel unloved, too. Maybe I am hallucinating, but I feel that way, as well as misunderstood. No one can even try to understand. Everyone I know tells me I shouldn't have naps, but I cannot function without them. I am told I am too sensitive about things. Well, some of the names I am called by certain people would upset anyone with feelings.
June and summer, feeling manic... Spending money, feeling silly, and I think my insescant chatter is driving people nuts, HAHAHAHA. The kids think I am fun, so that's ok, lol. The worst thing is not sleeping, and spending lots of money I really don't have.
July...went to the doctors...he wants to put me on Lithium. I don't want to take it, I will get fatter, and Curt thinks it will turn me into a zombie. So, I am not sure what I want to do about the meds. He said we could decrease my Prozac by another 20 mg, and then begin the Lithium in 3 weeks. He said that my recent episodes of mania and hypomania were awfully close together, and they are becoming more frequent. Right now, I am what I would call "in between". Some people might call it normal, but I don't know what normal is, hehe. So, I will wait and see, but really I do not want to go on the Lithium... or any mood stabilizer for that matter.
July 10th, 1999. Feeling like crap. I dunno, maybe I should try a mood stabilizer, but I am thinking of Neurontin. But I feel weird asking my doc to put me on something other than the drug he recommended. So, I am sure I will agonize over asking him about it til I see him at the end of the month. *sigh*
Started St John's Wort today. I am hoping it will work. I dunno if I can take it with Prozac... hmmmmmmm.... should find out huh?
March, 2000 - I had severe allergic reactions to St. John's Wort. PLEASE, PLEASE ALWAYS consult a physician before taking anything of the sort! It did not work for me, I broke out in a rash and got very ILL! I am currently on Paxil and Clonazepam. They are working quite well, although I have been in bed for a month, with the exception of the past 3 days. That is just something I go through every year at this time, and cannot really escape that.
It is July of 2000, and I have been on Lithium for about 3 months now. It really isn't as bad as I thought it would be! For two weeks, recently, I was awake all day, feeling wonderful. Now I am tired and sad again, but I do have some problems right now, with neighbours telling lies, and making things difficult for all of us. The Lithium took weeks to work, and I did not really gain any weight, maybe 10 pounds or so. That was dissapointing, as I am already overweight, but I can live with that. Because of the problems I am having with the neighbours, I did self injure. I burned my hand (on the top) several times on the broiler in the oven. It was painful, and got infected. Curt was so angry with me, and I suppose it is time to confess to the doctor that I have this problem. I am getting closer to telling him every time I see him, and I hope I soon have the courage to do so.
September 2000 - I am back on Prozac, thank God. It is slowly beginning to work, and I no longer feel I am going to just curl up and let myself die. I know life will never come easy for me, but the right meds an sure make it easier! At least I don't feel like I am a zombie, and walking around with my eyes closed. I am sure my kids appreciate when I am more alert as well.
The Prozac is starting to work a little now, and it is October. The best thing is that I actually told my doctor that I self injure. I finally got it out in the open! So, he has referred me to a psychiatrist, and hopefully I will get an appointment soon. I feel as though I am going crazy, and I can't handle it anymore!
June, 2001 - I am now taking Wellbutrin along with the Prozac and Lithium. I suppose it is helping. I am currently depressed, but I have been worse, so I am trying not to complain. The self injury is getting bad again. I am cutting too deep and too often. It is as bad as it was when I was 16 years old.
Walkers In the Darkness - For people with mood disorders - A wonderful chatroom!
Mental Health.Com - A great page which explains all mental illness
Well, somehow, this page was entirely erased. (How frustrating).Until this page is organized, it may seem that I am switching from topic to topic, and wandering all over the place. That is because I am doing exactly that!
