I look at
my face and I feel it is disgusting. If I look at my eyes alone, I see "pretty"
hazel eyes. My lips alone are "cute" and full, almost pouty looking. Ok, they
are pouty.
My nose isn't horribly disfigured, so I do not mind it either. My hair is a
pretty colour (rather colours) although it is usually a complete mess!
I am thinking rationally right now because I am writing this. But if I think
of my entire face all at once, I want to weep. Sometimes I can actually break
down and sob.
My body is even more disgusting to me. I am fat. Not overweight, not slightly
chubby... fat. I am 5'7, and close to 180 pounds. I weighed 110 pounds
before I had any children. Being pregnant made my thyroid damaged. I gained
a lot of weight. I went up to 250 pounds at one point.
It is hard to look in the mirror. I have a full length mirror, so I can see
how fat I look when I get dressed. Of course, I would never look at myself
without clothes on! The scars, stretch marks, fat, all bother me. I do not mind
the self injury scars that are visible to others. The ones on my abdomen and
upper thighs are disgusting though. I cut worse there, because I tried to "cut
the fat away".
I do not really remember when I began to purge. I am not the
kind of bulimic who binges and purges. I eat normally, and then I vomit. I do
not vomit as much I used to. I started to get cavities, and then I began Prozac
when I was put in the hospital for malnutrition (self induced). When I quit
Prozac for a year, I began the throwing up again. Now, I am back on Prozac,
and my normal way of purging is to use laxatives. This can cause digestive system
problems, such as irritable bowel syndrome as I found out (the hard way). It
has worsened since I had my gallbladder removed. Believe me, having irritable
bowel syndrome makes life difficult. Going to work stresses me out, since I
worry that I will have abdominal pain, or spend the entire shift in the bathroom.
I not only wish I could be beautiful, but I wish I could stay young looking.
I am terrified of aging. I do not look 33, so I should not worry so much. People
are usually shocked when I tell them my age. What shocks them even more is that
I am always looking for grey hairs, wrinkles, etc. I also use anti wrinkle creams.
Never had one yet!
My mother always told me that if I felt ugly, I was ugly. If you are ugly,
don't you feel ugly though? it goes both ways as far as I am concerned.
I want to feel special. Is that silly or what?! No one ever makes me feel special, not for more than a day or two. I feel like I am nothing. I am not overly needy, it is just that I seem to pick the wrong men. It is a vicious cycle. Rather, I used to pick the wrong men. Curt tells me I am beautiful and insists I am not as fat as I think I am.
One psychiatrist told me she though I may have body dysmorphic disorder. I told her that believing I am fat and ugly is not a disorder. It is my life, and my belief. 180 pounds is overweight, so I am obviously not imagining that I am fat. When I look in the mirror, I see an ugly face, and I find it hard to believe that I am just imagining what I see in my own reflection. Disorder my @ss.
I really do want to stop purging. I have lost teeth because of it. Well, I lost one tooth because of purging and another because the dentist broke it while removing the first tooth! Lucky me, huh?
