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Funny Quotes from Famous Comedians

  • Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. ~ Sam Levenson

  • If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. ~ Dick Cavett

  • Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. ~ Unknown

  • I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling ~ Unknown

  • I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
    ~ Jack Benny

  • Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. ~ George Burns

  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ~ Bob Hope

  • If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. ~ Mel Brooks

  • If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
    ~ Johnny Carson

  • USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. ~ David Letterman

  • Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked brightness, but it doesn't work. ~ Gallagher

  • The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals. ~ Rimmer - Red Dwarf

  • There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
    ~ Oscar Levant

  • The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. ~ Oscar Levant

  • When I was young I looked like Al Capone, but I lacked his compassion.
    ~ Oscar Levant

  • Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. ~ Groucho Marx

  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
    ~ Groucho Marx

  • Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~ Groucho Marx

  • Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
    ~ Groucho Marx

  • Women should be obscene and not heard. ~ Groucho Marx

  • America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. ~ Oscar Wilde

  • I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
    ~ Oscar Wilde

  • Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it's all over much too soon.
    ~ Woody Allen

  • It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
    ~ Woody Allen

  • I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. ~ George Carlin

  • Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? ~ George Carlin

  • I'm an experienced woman, I've been around... well, alright, I might not have been around, but I've been nearby. ~ Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore Show)

  • I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial. ~ Joan Rivers