The 12 Step Program for KnowPosters
1) We admitted we were powerless over KnowPost
- that our lives had become unmanageable.
2) Came to believe that a Computer, Faster than
our own could restore us to sanity.
3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives
over to the care of CJOH as we understood Him.
4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory
of our Ceremail.
5) Admitted to CJOH, to ourselves, and to another
KnowPoster the exact nature of our addiction.
6) Were entirely ready to have CJOH remove all
thoughts about having a normal life.
7) Humbly asked CJOH to restore our Soapbox and
Ceremail privileges.
8) Made a list of all KnowPosters we had confided
our addiction to, and became willing to lie to them all.
9) Made direct amends to KnowPost.com wherever
possible, except when to do so would cause me to spend time away from the
computer and KnowPost.
10) Continued to Post Soaps and when we were wrong
promptly Ceremailed about it.
11) Sought through Ceremail and Soapboxes to improve
our conscious contact with CJOH as we understood Him, praying only for
knowledge of KnowPost, and the power to live to Answer just one more Question.
12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result
of these steps, we tried to carry this message to unknown KnowPosters everywhere,
and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Since the above probably won't
help too much, try this prayer before you go to sleep:
23rd Psalm of KnowPost
The Computer is my lifeline; I shall Know, Post.
He maketh me Answer Questions: he leadeth me to
"all questions needing answers".
He restoreth my Brain Trust: he leadeth me using
Polls to post what I know, in righteousness, for cjoh's sake.
Yea, though I type in a far away city, I post what
I know through the valley of Cyber Space, and pray that KnowPost will never
desert me, I will fear no such evil: for thou cjoh is with me; thy mouse
and thy keyboard, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a Soapbox before me in the presence
of fellow KnowPosters: thou anointest my Soaps with responses; my Ceremail
Inbox runneth over.
Surely goodness and KnowPost shall follow me all
the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of cjoh forever.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only
takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light
bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this
house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they
figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the
fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS
LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change
the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH
IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!
WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S
A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12
FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY
TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me? ...GreyEyes
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank
will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over
the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front
of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees
to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and
its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000
Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then
proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks
it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies "Where else in New
York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it
to be there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde
.....AmyLeigh
DENSA QUIZ by cyndy10 on 12.4.99 1:33 AM
You've heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with
IQ's of 140 and above? Well this test is similar, it's from DENSA. It's
a lot more fun.
Give it a try: Take this quiz, if you dare, and
see how you rate. Write down or remember your answers and DON'T CHEAT!!!!!
THE DENSA QUIZ
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Yes/No
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry
his widow's sister?
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2,
how many do you have?
8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you
to take one every half an hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How
many are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take
on the ark?
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall.
What does he weigh?
12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. A plane crashes on the Canadian - US border.
In which country do you bury the survivors?
14. What is the least amount of coins it takes
to make 55 cents if one of the coins is a quarter?
ANSWERS to this quiz are at the very bottom
of this page...
Celebrity One-Liners
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash." -Jerry Seinfeld
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police,
put down the video camera and come help me." -Bobcat Goldthwait
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When
I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." -Elayne
Boosler
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always
putting a hit out on myself."
-Judy Tenuta
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full
effect of alphabet soup?" *
-John Mendoza
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob
Ettinger
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set.
I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman." -Bruce Baum
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you
walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." -Rita Mae Brown
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you
go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." -Ellen
DeGeneres
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
been more specific." *
-Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred
years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever
see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a
weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You
get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got
the toe clippers right here.' " * -Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner." *
-Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
us geography." *
-Paul Rodriguez
Kids Say The Darndest Things
I believe you should live each day as if it is
your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,
who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can,
the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular
a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because
he really stinks. --Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made
of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big
hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we
die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.
I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and
burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
As you make your way through this hectic world
of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll
have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes
and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it
would be until the looting started. --Age 15
What Men Say To Women..........A Translation
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."
"It's a guy thing"
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....
Absolutely nothing, it's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac."
"I was listening to you, it's just that I have
things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is
wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove
our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather
Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find
the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these
roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big
deal."
Really means....
"I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize
it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids and dogs
are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no
one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"You're cutting into the time I spend with my
truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and
buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
More Male Bashing...
Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you're not pushing one around, then you're
riding it.
Why is a hard man good to find?
You don't have to stay up half the night massaging
his ego.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was
removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the
crotch!
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
What's the definition of a man?
A life support system for a penis.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need....A
man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst
men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly
into commitment?
A mental hospital.
What is the difference between a pick pocket and
a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch and the other watches
your snatch.
How are men like bank machines?
Once they withdraw they lose interest.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always screw up.
How do you keep your husband from reading your
e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals".
BILL OF NO RIGHTS
We, the sensible people of the United States, in
an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice,
avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and
secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great
grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common
sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, the guilt-ridden, the delusional
and other liberal bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a
whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim-witted
that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen
TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire
them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended.
This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -
not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will
be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm.
If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not
expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently
wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help
anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more
than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care.
That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not
interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other
people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't
be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of
others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you
away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color
TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII:
You do not have the right to demand that our children
risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate
oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to
fight if you'd like; however, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world,
and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little
tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to a job. All of us
sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard
times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education
and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being
an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by
the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over-abundance of
idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
by tutton on 8.1.00 1:41 AM
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what
the magician does in every trick. Once the understood that, he started
shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it's not the same hat!
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!
Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything,
it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The
magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean,
with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did
not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give
up. What'd you do with the boat ?
Asked 5.22.00 11:14 AM
Five years ago, I walked into the woods
and became a hermit. I just came out today. What have I missed?
Answer by WSAHM
The discovery of a new planet behind Pluto, it
even has its own moon!
Children in your entourage are now teens and five
years in a child's life is an eternity, so you no longer know the children
around you.
Unless you are independently wealthy, or extremely
intelligent, it will be much more difficult for you to find a good job.
Five years in an adult's life without working in the business world in
a productive way (not necessarily for pay) is hard to explain. I wish you
luck and immense imagination.
Materialism is much more rampant. You need to continue
in your path to freedom from it by not buying into all the astute advertising
around you. Less is always more.
You missed the launch of Know?ost, the greatest
site for exchange of information and ideas on this planet! Glad you found
it!
Answer by Dilbert
What have you missed? It's more like what we have
missed. Turn around. Go back into the woods. Trust me on this.
Answer by breakup
You apparently missed noticing the woodchoppers
came and went, leaving your so-called woods a forest of tree stumps. If
you move fast, you might yet find another woods to hide out in.
Answer by heyteach
Have I got a deal for you! Sign on the dotted
line, we're going to churn out a "Simple Hermit" book, get it published,
get it on Oprah and then you and I, my friend, will find another forest
to be hermits in!
Answer by Swillpig
You missed out on three predictions that the world
was going to end. But guess what!?! It didn't....and the above post is
right, go back....It's better there.
Answer by prncss
Our president is a slut.
His wife thinks she's a New Yorker.
If you are an illegal alien, but your parent dies
as you come to America, you can stay.
Regis has become a game show host.
Remember Judge Whopner? There's a million shows
out ripping off that one.
Princess Diana has died.
Ronald Reagan has Alzheimer's.
Micheal J. Fox has Parkinson's.
Nope, no cure for AIDS, cancer, the common cold,
or other diseases yet.
Answer by psykomom
1. One of President Clinton's Bimbos has become
a big (in more ways that one) player on the Celebrity Circuit.
2. Seinfeld and his other three stooges landed
in the pokey.
3. Dave Letterman, the Invincible, actually had
by-pass surgery, proving to all doubters that he actually does have a heart.
4. Kathy Lee Gifford is still on tv babbling on
about her and her kids but there is hope now that she will be finally going
away.
5. Cher lives, thank God.
6. Al Gore is still trying to prove he does.
7. There was a nuclear war in 1999 and everything
is gone.
Answer by tash
Buffy and Angel broke up.
Answer by SCOOTER9
Probably those fun loving chipmunks.
Citizen's
Self Arrest Form
~ The Joys of Womanhood ~
(Brilliant Woman Author Unknown)
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of
candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to
wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that
when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight
because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along
came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then
I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs
kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for
awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they
say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." ...Now I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to
eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth
control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all
excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms
of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is
that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
Celebrate Womanhood! Please forward this page to
all the brilliant women in your life!
Answer by boogada on 8.1.00 6:20 PM
A road (yes, a road) takes his best friend to
his favourite bar. After they have ordered their drinks and sat down, the
friend asks, "Ok, so this is your local bar, you know everyone here - is
there anyone I should stay away from?"
The other replies, "You see that big black road
at the bar? You don't want to mess with him, he's a freeway.
Oh, and that mean-looking road in the corner over
there - he's from the inner city, he's real tough."
Just then, a small, pink road minces in the door
and over to the bar. He orders a big blue cocktail, with umbrellas and
cherries sticking out of it.
Suddenly, the freeway goes and cowers in the corner,
where the inner-city road is already hiding under the table.
Puzzled, the friend goes over to the corner and
says, "Why are you hiding from that pussy? I thought you were the toughest
roads around?"
The freeway nods, "We are...but he's a
cyclepath!!!"
5 Stages of drunkeness
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become
an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You think you know everything
and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage
you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very
WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise
that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people
fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and
really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you
can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become
the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar
because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still
SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you
bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy,
because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick
fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been
betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point
you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge
to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because
you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are
anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of
Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU.
You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest
of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the
person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing
at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because
you’re still SMART you know all the words.
Top 10 things you'll never hear one woman say
to another woman.
10. I wish he wouldn't waste all that money on
chocolate and flowers and buy something practical, like an iron.
9. I can't wait for the play-offs!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making
me crazy!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps
bugging me to help him with the color choices!
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give
me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with
him.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get
all moody.
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking
than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress
on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would
you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
Top 10 things you'll never hear one guy say
to another guy:
10. She'll never understand that sometimes I just
want to cuddle.
9. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and
after all that's the important thing.
8. I'm deeply offended by young women who go braless.
7. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance
commercials.
6. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do
anything useful with them!
5. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening
at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her
baby and then suffers miserably.
4. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.
3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!
2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity
Chablis?
1. Does my butt look fat in this?
Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary!
What's the difference between the Pope and your
boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash
and it is gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel
agent.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the
seat folded up.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And
Gives The Impression he Just Cleaned The Whole House
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending
machines.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work
is that you end up at work.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago,
it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old
can do it.
Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed
was blinker fluid."
Why is a government worker like a shotgun with
a broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.
I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and
he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like
putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will,
what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."
Things you should know about :
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,
you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's
more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next
life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at
home...maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get
30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split
the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull
30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side
when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers
pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who
cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can
be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's
like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can
you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head,
before it starves to death. (Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
head off. (Honey,
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next
life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's
almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I
know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people
like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is.............Lucky
Pigs...
A couple drove several miles down a country road,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument,
and neither wanted to concede his position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the
wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied,
"in-laws."
Job Lingo:
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS........... Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS......... Spends lots
of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE......................... Not
too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED...... Made no major
blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY................. Too ugly
to get a date
SOCIALLY ACTIVE............................ Drinks
a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY............. Spouse
drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER............,....... Nobody
knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING............................ Offers
plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER........................... Won't
make a decision
AGGRESSIVE...................................
Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS....... Gets someone
else to do it
EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL............. Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.. A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES............. Is tall
or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT... Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR................... Knows a
lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED............................. Back
Stabber
LOYAL...........................................
Can't get a job anywhere else
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling
by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy
tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take
their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and
close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite
a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at
all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants
cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the
accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
DENSA QUIZ ANSWERS
1) YES (but no party)
2 ) 1 (if birthday is day of birth)
3) All of them
4) 6
5) Man with widow is dead. Must be alive
to marry.
6) 70
7) 2
8) 60 mins. Take the first one at zero
mins, second at 30 mins and 3rd at
60 mins. All pills gone.
9) 17, 8 of which are dead.
10) Noah built the ark.
11) Meat
12) 12
13) It would be illegal to bury them in
either country, if they are still alive.
14) 3 if you want to make exactly 55c: 25+25+5
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