I told my niece the other day, about Fairy God Mothers. How they’re angels, and how they watch over us. I explained to her that we all have angels watching over us, and not all of them have wings. Some have wands, like in Cinderella, that ever-famous Disney movie. I told her that some have pulses, and live everyday lives. They can fall, and scratch their knees; they bleed.
I thought to myself how I must seem like an angel to some of my friends, though I’m not. I’m just a normal person like everyone else with a gift of understanding. I breathe, get hurt, fall in love, cry. I swim through that ocean of life. The waves beat down on me when the storms come, the hot and cruel sun that is there when the storms aren’t. I struggle onward, hoping to find land, but wondering if land even exists.
A friend of mine had a long talk with me, and we talked about that very thing, the ocean of life.
I started, "You know, I take good care of my friends, when they're down, I'll find a way to pick them back up, I'll help them when they're lost, when they're drowning, when they can't even tell if they're alive....but while I'm helping them, I'm just as lost as them....I'm swimming for land I can't see....and why? Blind hope I guess, a hope that what I'm doing is better then being nothing. You know what I want? I want someone to find me....find me in that ocean, with the waves that beat down on me. I wonder if there's even land. Maybe all life is is that ocean, that salty bitter water....the sun that beats on you, the rain that impales you, your body grows more and more weary as you struggle on for that land you think must exist. You've been taught your whole life that the world is round, that if you go in one direction long enough...you'll reach something. What if there is nothing though...just more bitter...salty....water?"
He responded, "Perhaps there is no land. Perhaps all that exist is the water and your hopes and dreams. But by god you are not the only one in the ocean. We may never hit land, and perhaps this is all there is but all thru this world there are people in that same ocean of emotion. If we never hit land we will eventually meet up and I will hold on for dear life to you so we can look for land together even if it is a false dream we will be together."
Anyone who says life is easy obviously hasn’t lived. I’ve lost friends in car accidents, I had to watch my ex-boyfriend lie in a coma in the ER. I’ve seen friends fall into drug addictions, and help a friend who killed the baby she carried in her womb. I’ve been sent to the psychiatric ward, and seen people who believed there was no reason for living. One of them I could easily see their point. Oh god the list goes on.
I seem to help so many people, I see so many in need. But I have to ask, when will my angel find me? I know something watches over me; there are too many circumstances I’ve beheld for me not to believe. But when will I see my angel? It seems I’m led about, protected, but when will my angel come and save me from my torment? Where is my Fairy God Mother/Father? When will they come and make everything right? Have I found them, or they found me? Are they right now working on making things right? Maybe magic takes planning to work, maybe it takes time, but I’m tired of waiting. I’d like to know things are going to work out, and that I’m doing what’s right. I don't want to die without knowing, and it seems my life amongst the living dwindles ever lower with each day. Maybe my life is just a joke, maybe life is a joke. Maybe the gods above look down and laugh at these morons who swim for land. Maybe there's a tiny island and it's already filled to the max, but I've got to have hope. The illusion is better then knowing there's no reason to continue.