I'm there, maybe 5 holding my beautiful golden retriever between my legs. I've got a black eye from falling into the coffee table. And the smile on my face is so bright...so happy...so care free...
Glance forward and another image flashes:
My mom and dad fighting, screaming late at night. How my father...my role model was sleeping with another woman...I was still about 5
I shrink away from that one, and circle around again. Glance to my left, hoping for something happy once more.
There I am 7 years old now. Playing video games with my brothers. I was never good at the fighting games. But Super Mario Bros I could play really well. Most games I could keep up or beat them on. And we're yelling at the TV, like it could hear us. "Higher! Jump Higher!" But we're having fun.
A smile passes over my lips, remembering. But the image fades, to be replaced by:
We're in the bed of my dad's truck, my brother's and I. I'm trying to sleep...but it's hard. One of my brother's is touching me. Touching me like I shouldn't be touched. But finally I drift off...where the pain can no longer reach me. And again, I was 7.
I stop wandering...having lived and relived my life. All 19 years so far. I crawl up in a ball, clutching my knees. Burrying my face in my lap. So innocent once. Believed in all the good. What's so good about living in a world full of sorrow? What's so swell? Why do I continue? Why do I fight? Why lie to myself? How can I get back what I lost? How blind was I...and when will I wake up?