Joke Archives:
- [The following is a true story from the FBI Archives]
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital ...
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man(PM): And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
PM: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
PM: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
PM: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
PM: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
PM: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
PM: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
PM: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
PM: I don't think so. ::click::
"Stupidity: Re-Defined"
[Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid]
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse..
Played football without a helmet.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Strong, like Bear... Smart, like Tractor.
"College Humor"
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they
decided to party instead.
Well, as you might have guessed, they didn't get any studying done.
When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that
their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire
and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were
sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to
separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two
different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points,
explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece
of cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued...
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
"Top 47 Oxymorons"
47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
01. Microsoft Works"Star Wars Top Tens"
Han Solo's Top Ten Pet Peeves
Having to live with the name "Han". -10
People always walk up to him and say, "Hey, you look just like Indiana
Jones!" -09
Chewbacca won't shut up! "Argghhh" this and "Arrggghhh" that. -08
Leia's finally wearing a skimpy slave girl outfit, and Han's blind! -07
Ben Kenobi's ghost always appears in his room every night saying, "Crazy
old wizard, huh?!" -06
Never got money for rescuing Leia. -05
When in Mos Eisley, gay guys try to pick him up. -04
C3pO....who doesn't? -03
People who borrow things they promise not to damage and then fly them
into a superweapon trying to save the galaxy (talk about inconsiderate). -02
That stupid hyperdrive never works! -01
Top Ten things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie
"No, Lord Vader wasn't upset at all. He just said not to let it happen
again!" -10
"Holy Crap! That Stormtrooper almost got me with that shot!" -09
"You know, I really miss Jabba." -08
"Your right kid, it *is* a piece of junk! -07
"Boba Fett? *That* wuss!" -06
"Porkins, move your fat ---!" -05
"Scotty!! We need more power!" -04
"The Dark Side isn't really *that* bad!" -03
"I have a *great* feeling about this. -02
"I agree with c3po." -01
Top Ten Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"
C-3po discovering that the Jawa he just dropped into the fire
wasn't quite dead. -10
Uncle Owen backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about
power converters. -09
The startled Ronto taking a giant crap on the Mos Eisley street. -08
Han Solo backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about the
10,000 credits. -07
Porkins with his shirt off eating fried cheese. -06
Obi-wan backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about going
to Alderaan. -05
The C-3PO/R2-D2 car chase from the Palace Hotel and Ballroom
to the Honorable Mayor Richard J. Daley Plaza. -04
Darth Vader backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about
being his son. -03
Boba Fett actually doing something. -02
R2-D2 backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about his
secret mission for the alliance. -01
"Words of the Wise"
-All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
-I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
-Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
-Toes: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-Many people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.
-I intend to live forever - so far - so good.
-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
-Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards.
-Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-Half the people you know are below average.
-War doesn't show who's right, just who's left.
-Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling up common sense.
-Experience is the worst of teachers; it gives us the test before presenting the lesson.
-It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
-When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
-14% of Americans surveyed agree that Puerto Rico should not be the 51st state because "that extra star would make the flag look bad."
-Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
-The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it.
-Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again.
-The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-"Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done."
-The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
-Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
-"He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit."
-"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
-Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
-Doing a thing well is often a waste of time.
-"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'"
-"Living in a vacuum sucks."
-"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."
-"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
-"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
-Don't think of it as being outnumbered, think of it as a wide target selection.
-Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
"A Stupid Person's Guide to Life"
-Don't eat rocks.
-Don't take naps in the road.
-Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
-Don't throw a brick straight up.
-Don't breathe car exhaust.
-For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
-Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
-Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
-The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
-Don't flip off the Mafia.
-If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
-Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
-Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
-Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
-Although they are sold in grocery stories, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.
-The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
-Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
-The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
-Don't eat hot coals.
-Don't escape in to jail.
-Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
-Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
-Sell at most one of your kidneys.
-Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
-Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
-Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
-Don't snap towels at passing cops.
-Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
-Don't lick dry ice.
-Before you leap onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
-Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
-Don't swallow toothpaste.
-Don't chew Tylenol.
-Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
-Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
-Don't go swimming in a well.
-Rake leaves, not people.
-Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
-You're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
-If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.
-Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
-Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
-When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
-Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
-Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
-Elvis is dead.
-Wear clothes.
-Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
-When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
-Stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
-When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
-Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
-Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
"McDonnell Douglas Military Aircraft Warrenty Registration"
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to
develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ...............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ...............................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ...............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19...... / ...... / ......
4. Serial Number: ..............................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
"Amusing Comix"
Just a few comic strips I've found that were just too funny. Check em out:
|
< Back >
|
