Joke Archives:
Geek T-Shirt Slogans
- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
- COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
- Buy a Pentium II 686/233 so you can reboot faster.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
- Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
- C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
- C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
- <----------------The information went data way-----------
- Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
- The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
- BUFFERS FILES 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
- Access denied-nah nah na nah nah!
- C:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
- Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
- Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"?
- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
- Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
- E Pluribus Modem
- ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
- A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
- An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
- CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
- A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
- Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
- Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
- SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
- Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
- Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
- RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
- Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
- All computers wait at the same speed.
- Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
- Press CTRL - ALT - DEL to continue...
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
- E-mail returned to sender-insufficient voltage.
- Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
- All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
- Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
- "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
- DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
- Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
- Press any key... no, no, no! NOT THAT ONE!
The 12 Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
The Y1K Crisis
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.
A conference of clerics has been called at Westminster to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival.
Duh-2000
[Past conversations on the new Millenium]
"So have you tried spraying Raid on our new computers yet?"
"I'm afraid to ask why."
"I heard on the radio today its the 'official killer of the millenium bug.'"
"...sigh..."
"Hey check out www.lehmans.com."
"Ok what is it?"
"An amish hardware store. They've got lots of cool y2k supplies."
"An AMISH web site?!"
"Ross Perot says all we have to do to fix y2k is reset the computer dates to 1972."
"And why will that work?"
"He says its the same calendar. And it'll give us another 28 years to fix the y2k situation."
"So why not reset it to 1916 and forget about it?"
"I read a report of a woman in Miami that wants to install a wood stove in her highrise apartment."
"Ok I'll ask...why?"
"She's afraid of y2k. She said she read on the internet she should get one."
"Y2k aside....Why do you need a wood stove if you live in Miami beach?!"
"The defense dept now says they are done with 81% of their mission-critical systems."
"Uh huh..."
"They must be working really hard."
"Yeah...Re-defining 'mission-critical.'"
"I see the county commission in Ft. Meyers, FL has rejected a proposal to hire a consultant to fix their y2k problems."
"Hmmmm...."
"They assigned the job to the county assessor."
"The dog catcher was probably too busy."
"Hmmm...One of the big consulting companies is being sued for not including y2k in a system they built back in '89."
"Oh..."
"They argue that it wasn't in the requirements. You think anything will come of it?"
"Expiration dates on software?"
"A Russian General says they dont have a y2k problem because they dont use American computers."
"How do you spell "DUH" in Cyrillic?"
"Rumor has it that Microsoft has developed a foolproof y2k solution."
"Quick...Check the release date."
"Y.O.D.A."
[Sung to the tune of "Y.M.C.A."]
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade).
"To Be Or Not To Be"
[This recently discovered folio edition of "Hamlet" follows other known versions closely until Act V, Scene II, where it begins to diverge at line 232, as will be seen]
KING
...`Now the king drinks to Hamlet.' Come, begin,
And you the judges, bear a wary eye.
Trumpets sound. HAMLET and LAERTES take their stations
HAMLET:
Come on, sir.
LAERTES:
Come, my lord.
Enter FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY, AND SCOOBY
DAPHNE:
Wait!
SHAGGY:
Stop the fight!
HAMLET and LAERTES put up their foils
KING:
I like this not. Say wherefore you do speak?
FRED:
Good lord, I pray thee, let thy anger wait.
For we, in seeking clues, have found the truth
Behind the strange events of latter days.
VELMA:
The first clue came from Elsinore's high walls,
Where, so said Hamlet, Hamlet's ghost did walk.
Yet though the elder Hamlet met his death,
And perforce hath been buried in the ground,
'Tis yet true one would not expect a ghost
To carry mud upon his spectral boots.
Yet mud didst Shaggy and his faithful hound
Espy, with footprints leading to a drop.
This might, at first, indeed bespeak a ghost...
Until, when I did seek for other answers,
I found a great, wide cloth of deepest black
Discarded in the moat of Elsinore.
'Tis clear, the "ghost" used this to slow his fall
While darkness rendered him invisible.
FRED:
The second clue we found, my lord, was this.
KING:
It seems to me a portrait of my brother
In staine'd glass, that sunlight may shine through.
FRED:
But see, my lord, when placed before a lantern--
KING:
My brother's ghost!
HAMLET:
My father!
VELMA:
Nay, his image.
FRED:
In sooth, that image caught the Prince's eye
When he went to confront his lady mother.
Nor did his sword pierce poor Polonius.
For Hamlet's blade did mark the castle wall
Behind the rent made in the tapestry.
Polonius was murdered by another.
The knife which killed him entered from behind.
LAERTES:
But who?
FRED:
Indeed my lords, that you shall see.
HAMLET:
And if this ghost was naught but light and air,
Then what of that which I did touch and speak to?
The GHOST enters.
GHOST:
Indeed, my son.
SHAGGY:
Zoinks!
DAPHNE:
Jenkies!
GHOST:
Mark them not.
Thou hast neglected duty far too long.
Shall this, my murderer, live on unharmed?
Must I remain forever unavenged?
SCOOBY and SHAGGY run away from the GHOST. SCOOBY, looking backward,
runs into a tapestry, tearing it down. As a result, tapestries
around the walls collapse, one surrounding the GHOST.
GHOST:
What?
FRED:
Good Osric, pray restrain that "ghost",
That we may reach the bottom of the matter.
Now let us see who truly walked tonight.
FRED removes the helm and the disguise from the GHOST'S face.
ALL:
Tis Fortinbras!
FRED:
The valiant prince of Norway!
FORTINBRAS:
Indeed it is, and curses on you all!
This Hamlet's father brought my own to death,
And cost me all my rightful heritage.
And so I killed this king, and hoped his son
Would prove no obstacle to Norway's crown.
Then Claudius bethought himself the killer
(As if one might be poisoned through the ear!)
The brother, not the son, took Denmark's throne,
And held to Norway with a tighter grip.
I swore an end to Denmark's royal house.
I spoke to Hamlet of his uncle's crimes.
Then killed Polonius to spark Laertes.
This day, with poison's aid, all might have died,
And Denmark might have come to me as well
As my beloved Norway and revenge.
My scheme blinded them all, as if by fog
But for these medd'ling kids and this their dog.
KING:
The villain stands confessed. Now let us go.
For much remains to us to be discussed.
And suitable reward must needs be found
For these, our young detectives and their hound.
EXEUNT OMNES.
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