Joke Archives:
- Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad
scribbles some words on a peice of paper, calls it a poem, and gets $50." The second boy says,
"That's nothing. My dad scribbles some words on a piece of paper, calls it a song, and gets
$100." The third boy says, "I got ya'll all beat. My dad scribbles some words on a piece of paper,
calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
- Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of
his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who
does the better job.">> So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away.>>They moused away.
They did spreadsheets.>>They wrote reports.>>They sent faxes. They sent out e-mail.>>They sent
out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded.>>They did some genealogy reports.>>They made
cards. They did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up
lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And
of course the electricity went off.>> Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted
and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit the rains stopped
and the electricity came back on.>> Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off.
What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?">> Jesus just sat and smiled. Again
Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the
screen glowed and when he pushed "print," it was all there.>> "How did he do it?" Satan
asked.>>>>God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves.">>>>>>> <
- TWENTY REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN TITANIC
1. Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
2. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.
3. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
4. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.
5. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
6. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.
7. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
8a. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
8b. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
11. People have not lost their lives trying to re-create scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.
12. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.
13. Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!
14. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
15. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?
16. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
17. "I'd rather be his strumpet than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
18. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
19. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke....I am your father." ???
20. Two words: John Williams.
Driving Cross Country
Four guys are driving cross-country together:
one from Idaho, one from
Iowa, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A bit down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his
bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and
asks, "What the heck are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in
Idaho - they're laying all over the ground - I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles further down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling ears
of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from
Florida asks, "What are you doing THAT for?"
The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in
Iowa - I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes
the New Yorker out.
- There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the bar stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns, without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --WHAM!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold. The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."
LAWYER'S CREED: A man is innocent until proven broke.
A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us," "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night," "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again. "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead," "I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was in favor of the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
- Why the Chicken Crossed the Road In the Words of the Star Wars Characters
YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
DARTH VADER: You don't know the power of the Dark Side of the road.
GEORGE LUCAS: Give me 20 years and I'll make you a movie of *how* the chicken *got* to the road!
LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.
LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.
HAN: Hurry up, Colonel Sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!
C-3PO: I am fluent in over six million forms of crossing the road.
R2-D2: beep beep be bop.
CHEWBACCA: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!
OBI-WAN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.
JAWA: Umteedi chicken.
UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross that road.
AUNT BERU: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.
SANDTROOPER #2: Look, sir, chickens!
TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep the local chickens in line... fear of getting hit by a car!
TAGGE: If the chickens have obtained a complete technical read-out of this road, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness, and cross it.
MOTTI: This chicken is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we cross with it.
WUHER: Your chickens. They'll have to wait outside.
GREEDO: Oota-Goota chicken?
DODONNA: It's a small thermal exhaust road, just below the main road.
RED LEADER: I'm going to cut across the road and try and draw their traffic.
TIREE: The traffic... it's stopped.
POPS: Stablize rear feathers. Watch for enemy chickens.
BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?
WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?
RIEEKAN: With all that traffic, it's going to be tough to spot crossing chickens.
DECK OFFICER: Your chicken will die before you reach the first stop sign.
ZEV: I've got something crossing. Not much, but it could be a chicken.
PIETT: We've got something, sir. Only a wishbone from a road near the Albuquerque system, but its the best lead we've had.
OZZEL: There are so many uncharted fowl. It could be pidgeons...
REBEL PILOT: Two chickens against a Mack truck?!?
DAK: I feel like I could cross the whole road myself.
JANSON: Chicken out, let it cross!
VEERS: The chicken will be fried in moments. You may start your crossing.
BOSSK: Echkn.
NEEDA: No chicken that small has a cloaking device!?!
LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!
BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me!
LOBOT: ...
JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.
BIB FORTUNA: Die chicken wanga?
JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!
SY SNOOTLES: Lapti Chick!
SALACIOUS CRUMB: A HO HO HO HO HO HO!
MON MOTHMA: The chicken has made a critical error and the time of our crossing has come.
MADINE: We have stolen a small Imperial chicken. Disguised as an ostrich and using a stolen Imperial code, a strike team will cross the road and deactive the fry-elator.
ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark.
PALPATINE: Young fowl. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.
DARK HELMET: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, CHICKEN?
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