How to Write a College Paper

- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

- Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

- Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

- Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced,and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders,drop him.

- When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

- Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

- You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

- Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

- Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

- Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

- Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

- Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

- Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with the exception of the Pro Bowler's Tour or anything of the like.

- Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

- Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

- Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

- Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

- Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

- Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

- Read over the assignment one more time, just for the fun of it.

- Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

- Lie face down on the floor and moan.

Before I came to college I wish I had known...

- that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right through it.

- that I would change so much and barely realize it.

- that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

- that college kids throw airplanes, too.

- that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up.

- that every clock on campus shows a different time.

- that if you were smart in high school - so what?

- that I would go to a party the night before a final.

- that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together.

- that you can know everything and fail a test.

- that you can know nothing and ace a test.

- that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie.

- that home is a great place to visit.

- that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes.

- that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.

- that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50.

- that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.

- that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math.

- that I really wouldn't be with that high school (boy/girl)friend for the rest of my life.

- that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same time.

- that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life.

- how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home.

- that I would no longer get allowance.