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Anonymous HuGStory

I am a 30 year old woman who became pregnant in June of 2000. I already had a fullt erm pregnancy with mild hyperemesis however my daughter was healthy and today stands close to three years of age with no apparent impact from what I went through.

This pregnancy was worse than I ever could have imagined. When the vomitting started at 6 weeks all the pain and suffering came flooding back to me. Constant vomitting, diarrehea, dizziness and weakness became debilitating very quickly. I was in and out of work. In and out of the hospital for 5 months. This included peripheral IV's, central lines, PIC lines and TPN. My treatment of medications consisted of Zofran, Benadryl, Bental, Pepcid, Steroids, Dramimine, phenergan, Regland, and a few more that I can't remember. The only one that seemed to work was the steroids. However, they would only give me a 2week treatment at a time. When they started to ween me off the steroids the intense vomitting starting all over again. I had lost 40lbs.

My husband and I had just sold our home and our purchase fell through. My husband and daughter were forced to live in a finished basement of my sisters home until we could find another home. My husband worked feverishly to find us a place to live. He found a house we made a bid and had the closing in my hospital room. That was an experience. Please leave for a moment I need to vomit. Okay you can come back in. Very different. The lawyers were a bit taken back but there was no choice.

During these long and frequent stays at the hospital all of my ultrasounds showed a very healthy baby boy. Amazing. They would keep asking me if I wanted to terminate. I jsut kept saying to myself I made it this far if I stop now I will have to start over again with the same symptoms. I was hoping this would lead to another healthy baby and this Hell I was experiencing I would never have to experience again.

The guilt is nothing like I had ever felt. My daughter referred to the hospital as "Mommy's home". When I came home she would be angry and not sure of me. Because any time I came home I was usually admitted within 12-24 hours later. SHe spent many days and nights with extended family.

I was placed on home TPN and was administering my medication myself/. My daughter even helped to clean and flush my lines.

Around 21-22 weeks Finally relief. I was feeling a bit better. I could actually take a shower and do my hair. WOW this was a huge accomplishment. A shower usually required a 2-3 hour nap afterwards. My husband and I felt we had passed the worst. We spoke to soon.

On October 28 we rec'd a call from my sister telling us that my MOM had just got her hand caught in a blender and had severed 3 fingers. I rushed to her side at the hospital. She was sent to another hosptial. We met her there and stayed with her until she went off to surgery. My family and I are now in the waiting room- MOm was going to be in surgery for about 6-8 hours. Its now 10:00pm and another 5 hours to go. I had been spilling alot of mucous lately but was told repeatedly that this was caused by hormones. I went to the bathroom and this time I passed my mucous plug. I called my doc he stated it was probably nothing but to go upstairs to Labor and Delivery just in case.

The nurses confirmed time and time again it was probably nothing. Then they did an internal. SURPRISE. I was 3-4 cm dialated. My membranes were in my vagina. I was only 22 week 4 days. If I had my baby he would have no chance at survival. The NICU at the hosptial I was at had no openings in their NICU I was transferred to another hospital who did. Now this is 3 hospitals in 5/6 months.

I was put in trindelenberg- basically feet up head down. I was able to hold on another 6 days. Contractions started and I was now 6CM dialated. His head was just about that size. It wasn't going to take much before he was born. I was transferred to Labor and Delivery and put on Mag. HELL IN A BAG- HELL ON EARTH. Never in my life did I ever think things could get worse. I held on another couple of days. Christopher Daniel was born at 23 weeks 5 days. He was put on a vent and was doing quite well. At 1lb 7.8 ounces he fared well. He was sick but not septic. The MD's kept saying they could not believe how well he was doing. He was born Nov 5 2000 at 4:18am.

On Nov 17th due to every effort by MD's and nurses Chris's bowel perpherated and they could not stop the internal bleeding. We lost him. It was the worst experience. We chose to pull him off the vent so he would not have to suffer anymore. Holding him and watching him die in my arms - the pain in undescribable. Nothing prepares you for this. I kept telling myself after everything we both went through he is going to make it. "HE" would not take him. Not after we had worked so hard. Chris was not meant to be.

We have so many questions. The problem being that there are no answers. Was it the drugs that caused the dialation or was it the hyperemesis? No one knows. We know why Chris did not make it but why could I not hold on to him when I was able to hold to my daughter.

We want so much to have a sibling for our daughter. After all I went through if it wasn't for my husband and sister I don't think I would have made it through. It made me realize just how important it is to us for our daughter to have someone she can always rely on.

But can we afford to try again? Finances are always a concern. But what if we lose another baby like Chris? I don't know if we can handle it emotionally. You feel so cheated and are so angry because "you" tried so hard. Would "HE" take another one? The year 2000 was awful can 2001 hold any new hopes. Another child?????

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