her father had always told her to be patient with people, and she really was. she seriously tryed to work with people, not to upset them, or let them upset her. but it was so fucking aggrevating, watching these people use her, watch her suposed friends run off on her, when she hadn't done anything to them. to watch her suposed best friend run of with the love of her life, and turn around and act like nothing had happened. she wanted to see them all suffer and feel the same amount of pain they made her feel, but she was too scared. scared that she'd end up alone. scared that shge might hurt someone. it never used to be that way. she never used to care what anyone thought. she'd go on and live her life the way she wanted. but then she'd gotten mixed up with the wrong kind of people. not bad people really, just a group she never was meant to be a part of. no matter how many times they told her they wanted her there, no matter how much fun they seemed to be having, or how close she seemed to any of them, there was always someone who they wanyted there more, or someone who'd they have more fun with, or someone who was closer to any of them than she. it wasn't anyone's fault. they had been a close knit group for years and she became friends with one of them and he brought her in. they all accepted her and for a while everything seemed like it was finally going to work out for her. she finally had friends who wanted her there and would be there when she needed them. she even met a guy. an angel of a guy, beautiful eyes and a goofy smile, who always had a way to make her laugh. but things couldn't be perfect for long. first, beth and matt were stupid and started fooling around, which of course didn't work out, and somehow matt was gone. then jmmy got mad at her and after that it was a downward spiral. they all told her they still loved her, that they were all still friends, even if jimmy didn't want anything to do with her. but dave got mad suddenly and stopped talking and dawn soon followed, and beth only came around when she wanted something. jay was still there, making promises to her, but they never quite were good enough, because after ever promise, he broke it and ran off with jimmy. soon her relationship with jay was over and she was totally out of the group, no ties were left. beth still proclaimed to be her friend, but later she found out that beth was closing in on jay, knowing jay always had liked her. it was later on, but the pain came flooding back and knocked her on her ass, and she broke down and allowed the stream of tears to flow down her face and the blade to carve out the familiar pattern across her arm.
no matter how much she tryed she couldn't shake the feeling of total lonliness. her other friends, her real friends, who she'd deserted when the group accepted her, welcomed her back and told her it was ok, but they had lives without her now, that they continued to live. so she prodded on, writing angsty poems and rants, swearing at the boy who'd made her lose it all. crying for the boy who she'd fell in love with and he so cruelly dropped her when given an ultimatium. she slashed herself to bits thinking of the talks she wished she never had with the girl, for now the whole school knew about her secrets. she lived her life as best she could, but it wasn't a perfect world and she couldn't stand the pain. closing off al ties with everyone almost, she elapsed into her own little world, where things never changed. everyone was still friends and her angel's kisses stil made her shiver. living in that world, she continued to deteriorate, talking nonsense, believing in her life of lies. things were fine and she' was happier then she'd been. people started, knowing the girl was on a path to destruction, but no one cared so she continued to fall.
she was coherent enough at times to realize her life was a lie. thats when the blade came back out and the tears fell, and she cursed her life and her friends and whatever she had done to make them hate her. the blood was real to her, and the blade was painful, but it felt so good compared to the pain she felt in her heart, pain for everything she once had and lost, and wanted back so badly. she went wild, ripping her arms to shreads and working on her stomache. watching the blood run across her, laughing as she began gasping for breath, knowing she was dying. she wondered what they'd say, wishing she could hear them, or see their faces. this was the ultimate revenge, she was getting the last laugh. and as her eyes closed one final time, a tear slipped down her cheek as she let her last thought linger on that one lost love...that one friendship gone to nothing, and the one boy who made her what she was.
inside me
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