Mephistoles-Drinkwater is not satisfied with photos and wants DNA. Drinkwater even offers Joe Douglas some mystic Zen poetry in a quest to obtain DNA. The Zen poetry was written by Drinkwater, this although he attributes it to a fictional author:

Dear Mr. Douglas:
 
Thank you so much for the lovely picture of you and your wife enjoying connubial bliss. Imagine my situation at the end of the working day as I am blessed with many wives to massage my feet and head as my beloved children scamper about and play. To be a polygamist, a man must love the company of women and children as I do. I believe God has blessed me beyond measure with wealth so that I might have many wives and children as did Father Abraham and the other patriarchs of the Bible. I live on the family island owned by my family and so I have much land and houses and farms to sustain and nurture my family.
 
Drinkwater Island is a medium-sized island in the Tahitian chain. It was awarded to my grandfather by none other than Charles De Gaulle for my grandfather's heroism in the French Underground in WWII. Granpapa Drinkwater was the man who single-handedly destroyed the Nazi Coca Cola bottling plant at Rue Cayenne, thus depriving the German Army in France of soft drinks from the period 1943 forward. This proved to be a devastating psychological blow as the Germans used the caffeine in Coca Cola to stay awake during the long nights because coffee had become unavailable. The loss of the carbonated beverage also left the German High Command in France without a suitable mixer for their Barbados rum, and rum and Coke had been a favorite, especially of Field Marshall Kesselring, he whom Hitler personally had transferred to Stalingrad for failing to protect the Coca Cola bottling plant. It seem that when the Fueher visited Paris in October 1943, he asked for a Coca Cola and none was available. Enraged, he transferred Paulus from Paris to Stalingrad and the loss of Paulus' tactical genius allowed D-Day to proceed unabated. This is really part of the secret history of WW II, this loss of the Coca Cola bottling plant. It was a domino in a long series of dominoes which fell and ultimately crushed the Nazi war machine.
 
In terms of your DNA, I must have a locket of your hair prior to any transaction. I will send you a locket of my hair in return as a token of my good faith. Once I receive your hair I will genotype and phenotype it to ascertain your genetic fingerprint. Your passport, while good, is not the same as DNA. We speak of trust and the need for trust in this proposed transaction, yes? Well nothing quite says, "I trust you" as does a DNA sample. In this vein, I am reminded of the words of the contemporary Zen poet Herschell Mortmountaine Rinpoche who said:
 
Lotus blossoms
DNA
Alight upon
the mirror
in quiet stillness
 
We know and
are known
by our DNA
nature just
as the lotus
blossom is known
by its bloom
 
So please,let us first do DNA certification as a token of our trust and fidelity -- and to prove before God Almighty and his Son Jesus Christ that we love one another, even as the brother of Jesus commanded us to in I John 4:7-8. Certainly a man of honor such as yourself cannot possibly object to a small locket of hair as a token of faith when so many millions of dollars are at stake.
 
Yours in His Name,
 
Lionel Drinkwater
 

Engineer Joe does not like to cornered in this manner, he does not like this DNA business:

My Brother,
 
In respect of the DNA, you are saying, listen for me
is never a big thing, but i can not just start sending
hair through post or courier service, my dear, here
people will think that i am runing crazy and you just
look at it, it just sound very funny.
 
That is why, i said to you that no problem, will still
have much time to find a solution to that, since no
one else have access to this my box, so feel relax,
right now, i am just thinking planing or how to get
this money out, which im know everything will come
true, only if you reason and understand me. Please i
am not feel OK, by not spoking with you on phone, pls.
try and arrange for a line and you should also call me
immediately, let me reconfirm my line again
234-1-7768843. I will be waiting for your call OK.
 
Thanks and remain bless.
 
Engr. Douglas.

Mephistoles-Drinkwater will not accept such evasion and now openly browbeats Engineer Joe:

 

Dear Mr. Douglas:
 
You may secretly -- in the privacy of your toilette -- snip a very small lock of hair and then seal it in an envelope.
NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW AND NO ONE SHOULD KNOW.
 
You worry me because you say that everyone will know; how will they know if YOU DO NOT TELL THEM?
You worry me, my friend. If people around you can discover that you are sending a snippet of hair in the mail then
how will we ever keep our very monumental transaction secret?
 
Part of my request for a snippet of your hair was a test of the manner in which you are able to maintain
secrecy in a transaction within your home environment. You have failed this test of secrecy. Also, you have
failed the test of TRUST IN BROTHERHOOD. Brothers in Christ should never hesitate to share anything; the Bible
even tells us that David and Jonathan shared physical love.
 
I am able to maintain utter secrecy despite my having many wives, concubines, and children. How can I possibly
respect or trust a man who is not able to manage the mailing of a mere snippet of hair? The Bibles tell us that
if we cannot handle the small things then God will never allow us to handle the large things. How will you ever
be able to handle a $44,000,000 transaction if you cannot manage to mail a snippet of hair?
 
You are, well, you are a baby. You behave just like a baby who is afraid of what other people will think of him.
Good God, man! Strap on a set of testicles and take charge of your life! Stop allowing what other people think
to control your life!
 
I did not get rich by being ridiculous and weak-minded as you are being. Please write me only when you are ready to deal with this transaction in a manly manner which reflects honor upon God and your Zulu heritage.
 
 
Regards,
 
Lionel Drinkwater
 

Lionel has insulted Engineer Joe by calling him a baby. African men find this name to be a hugely insulting epithet. Westerners may not understand Engineer Joe's reluctance to send a snippet of hair. However, when I posted this e-mail at 419 Eater, Old Coaster and babe_in_muguland offered insightful assessments of his reluctance. First we read Old Coaster's post:

Remember when you have got the hair keep it carefully.

To make an effective ju-ju spell you need a part of the victim (that is why each circumcised lad is given back his foreskin to bury secretly) to make really powerful magic. Then show him a ju-ju doll with pins in it and tell him you put his hair into it and he is going to die horribly.

A very powerful aperient! It will cost him considerable cash to pay the witch doctor to make a powerful enough spell to ensure the mugu's survival

Next, babe_in_muguland's comments:

J. Dog, you have to consider the "cultural" implications, as Old Coaster mentions above. The mugu probably believes that parting with a hair will give you control over him by means of voodoo.

You might have better luck trying for some "second hand" DNA evidence, such as having him chew a stick of gum and send you the wad.

 

 Lionel hadn't understood the voodoo implications of his request for DNA when he so vociferously insulted Engineer Joe. Now that Lionel knew, it made it even more desirable to get Engineer Joe's DNA.

Voodoo implications aside, Engineer Joe was insulted by Lionel's severe taunting and even threatens Lionel (see bolded text):

My Brother,
 
How are you? Really i understand all you said, but i
have reason with the way things are moving in Nigeria,
cutting the hair is never a problem, but sending it is
a problem, listen in Nigeria, any mail going out from
the country must be view and scan, so it will be very
stupid and crazy for them to start asking me what the
hair stand for, My dear, i don't want to fool myself.
and even i am the one that surpose to be afraid of
you, but i strongly believes that with your
information and id card that is with me, i can be able
to trap you down, if you decide to run away with the
money, don't mind the word i just said, but sometimes
is good to express.
 
Really, in life, everything will do is a risk, even
when someone is sleeping is also taking risk, since
people due pass away through it, but we can not stop
sleeping OK. That is all about business, you gain or
you loose. Please i will not like to discuss on this
matter again, as i have told you and also you have to
reason with me OK. Please note, the money is not $44m,
all the money way $47m and $25m were paid to the
contractor that did the work, now is only remaining
$22m which i made possible on an agreement with the
contractor, as i have told you before. Just don't
worry, with time we will know how to know each other
OK. that is all i can say for now.
 
Thanks.
 
Engr. Douglas.
 

So now we see a tough-guy guyman who lets Lionel know that he can hunt him down if needed. After all, Engineer Joe has Lionel's ID card and knows he lives on Drinkwater Island:

However, if you look on any map you will not see Drinkwater Island. This is because it is a secret CIA base and the US government keeps it off all of the maps and has destroyed all of the old maps that showed Drinkwater Island -- except the one shown above. I am only allowing you to see the "real map" so that you will know that Drinkwater Island is real no matter what anyone says or what any map altered by the CIA may show. Trust me on this matter. 

The relationship between Lionel and Engineer Joe has begun to deteriorate over this matter of the DNA:

My Brother,
 
You needn't get perverse as I will not run away with your money. As to your threatening to trap me, please refrain from making such threats. I am a Tribal Chieftain here in Tahiti and have had people hanged for trespassing on my island. Sometimes people come here hoping to steal things and then one of my security people or the villagers will catch them and then we hang them in public as a warning to thieves on the neighboring islands. Were you ever come to my island, I would rather treat you as an honored guest and not have to see you hanged in the mango grove. So please do not issue veiled threats against me or my many wives and children. Let us go down the path of peace and not of recrimination or threats.
 
My associate, Mr. Grady Linpopo of Lagos, provided me with a sample of his DNA last year during a $1.1 million dollar transaction for Oilators. I distribute Oilators for the American-Australian Oilator Company and paid Mr. Linpopo a 5% commission to handle a transaction for me in Nigeria. I sent Mr. Linpopo a commission check for $55,000. I am shipping more Oilators to Nigeria in March and Mr. Linpopo will again act as my agent and make a commission of $75,000 USD. He mailed me a small snippet of his hair and that was all I needed. I guess I will have to accept your reluctance to provide a sample of your DNA. However, I will proceed more cautiously than normal as I am uneasy.
 
I have a confession to make: I have spirits visit me in dreams. My grandfather visits me sometimes as does the ghost of his very good friend, General Charles De Gaulle. After you first wrote me with your proposition, the ghost of Charles De Gaulle visited me in a dream and spoke to me of this $22,000,000 transaction. The General said that voodoo would attend if I were not careful! Hence, I asked for DNA. Yet you will not give me DNA and so how can I convince myself that you are to be trusted? Some man, a stranger whose name was Mr. Alhaji Usman Gaji, wrote and told me I was to pay him $22,000 for this transaction and he used your name and said he was your agent. I am astonished as you did not mention him by name in any of your correspondence. Who is he and why does Charles De Gaulle warn me of him?
 
Here is what I propose: May I ask the ghost of General Charles De Gaulle to visit you in a dream? If he can visit you in a dream, then he will be able to tell me if it is safe to proceed. Charles De Gaulle's ghost has helped me at many critical points in my life and I need his help now. However, he will not come to visit you without your permission. Do I have your permission to ask him to visit you in a dream? This will satisfy in lieu of DNA. Please advise. I must go now as the Russian attache is coming to my home for an extended visit. I have recently given him a new Mercedes Benz as a gift. He too gave me a sample of his DNA and I trust him. The Russian attache and I will drink vodka this evening and have our way with many voluptuous Tahitian women. Brother Douglas, when we conclude our transaction, you too will enjoy earthly pleasures that will be beyond your wildest imagination. No pleasure will be withheld from you in my kingdom as I am the ruler of all I survey.
 
Regards,
 
Lionel Drinkwater

Engineer Joe, an apparently experienced con artist with a nose for nonsense, decides to ditch Lionel. He also mentions an, "ungoding someone" because I had a lackey on Drinkwater Island secretly write to Engineer Joe to complain that Lionel is a drinker and a tyrant. The lackey wanted to hijack the money from Lionel in order to escape his indentured servitude on Drinkwater Island. Here is the lackey's note:

Dear Messr. Douglas:

I am Messr. Henri Mancini, secretary to Messr. Lionel Drinkwater.

I am writing to you in confidence from my own e-mail account within the offices of Drinkwater Ventures. The reason I am writing is to tell you that I read all of Messr. Drinkwater's letters and I have seen your proposition to him. He is a mad fool to not embrace this transaction with alacrity. Why he stupidly insists on a DNA sample is madness. He does this with everybody because he is paranoid. He is paranoid because he smokes hasish in his secret cave down by the beach. The local shaman tells Messr. Drinkwater stories after the two have smoked hashish in the cave and the shaman fills Messr. Drinkwater's head with nonsense and lies. Then Messr. Drinkwater gives the shaman money and women and has even given this wicked shaman a BMW automobile.

It is all lies and madness on Drinkwater Island and Messr. Drinkwater rules us with a fist of iron. I want to escape from this island and return to France. I cannot do so without money and so I propose that you deal with me, yes? I have access to all of Messr. Drinkwater's accounts and so I have money, but not enough to escape to Paris and assume a new identity. I need the millions of dollars I could gain from your deal.

Messr. Drinkwater did not even write his own e-mails to you. Instead, he dictated them to me as I listened with anger. Messr. Douglas, I fear you will find a better partner and dismiss Messr. Drinkwater as a madman, which he is. Please, let us conduct this transaction in private. You will have no madness from me. You will have no ghosts of Charles De Gaulle or any other idiocies that come from Messr. Drinkwater's hashish dreams and paranoid fantasies with which you must deal.

Simply let me know what you need. Please help me. Please trust me. I must escape from this island where I am the virtual prisoner of a wealthy madman. I owe Messr. Drinkwater $100,000 USD and the laws of Tahiti will not allow me to leave until I pay every penny. This will take me over ten years and I cannot wait.

I have some money to escape, but as I said it is not enough. I need millions to hide myself. Please, please, please Sir, you are my only hope for freedom and sanity.

Sincerely,

Messr. Henri Mancini

I overplayed my hand on the Mancini note. Engineer Joe writes back to dump Lionel: 

Brother, listen i now begining to realizie that i am
dealing with unseriours man and other ungoding
someone, maybe you drink to much, that make some times
you goes out of your mind.
 
Anyway, about the name USman, you mendioned and the
22,000, i don't really understand you, i will find out
by monday, Meanwhile, for my own good, i have to
discontinue as i have seen you are not the right
person to deal with. I am sorry to must have get in
touch with you, just bear with me. And, i am not
interested to see your ghost in the dream, so let it
be for you OK.
 
I have withdraw your informations from the ministry,
so don't worry yourself for everything, i will look
for someone eles.
 
Thanks and i wish you all the best to you and your
families.
 
Engr. Douglas.

 

 
Dear Mr. Douglas:
 
It is just as well that you should respond in the negative, for Usman and I spoke on the phone at length yesterday and he told me all about you. Knowing what I now know, I have agreed to work with Usman in this transaction and not you. Therefore, I yesterday caused to be sent to Usman a "good faith" deposit on $1,000 by Western Union. In return, he is sending me a snippet of his hair for DNA testing, and, he has invited my spirit guides to visit him in dreams.
 
Usman also sent me a photo of you that was shocking. He says this proves that you are not a Christian.
 
Good Day,
 
Lionel Drinkwater
 

The photo was sent with the caption seen below:

                                     "UMMM! ENGINEER JOE DOUGLAS LOVES BUTTSTANK!!!"

Few thing on the internet are as insulting as a horribly done Photoshop insult, for it says that one doesn't even care to take the time to offer a proper insult. This is true in my case, for I was not about to spend much time on this photo. I spent perhaps ten minutes on a quick clone/paste/erase. I think Engineer Joe got the point. I suspect it maybe even gave he and his slimy conmen friends a laugh at the internet cafe.

Originally, I sent a quite different photo which showed Engineer Joe having gay "footsex" with another man. Angelfire will not allow me to post porn, so I cannot post it here and instead have posted the second photo, which I also sent to Joe. The original "gay footsex" photo showed Ol' Joe with his foot buried deeply in a naked man's anus while Joe's hand (shown in his lap) was busy with his own organ. It was a gross photo and one that Engineer Joe probably did not like -- especially since there was  a rumor that the photo was somehow cc'd to every e-mail address in his mailbox. How this happened remains a mystery as I have no skills in this area. Perhaps someone else did it. Like Sergeant Schultz of Hogan's Heroes fame, I know nothing.

Finally, some shadowy group sent this note to Ol' Joe:

Hey Guy:
 
You were right -- we were unserious about the transaction. However, we were serious about reporting your 419 crimes and
IP numbers to the Nigerian Task Force on 419 crime, Interpol, and the FBI.
 
All of the documents we sent you were fake, just like the money you offered us. We now have you,  your data, and
your communications in our database. We will be watching you when you are in the internet cafe or at home.
 

After this was sent, my Norton software alerted to me to several attempted hacks of my computer. Joe's malicious attempt at revenge was responded to in a manner that caused him to vacate several of his active e-mail addresses due to overwhelming volumes of spam.

 

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