* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
* Gun wounds again?
* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
* Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
"Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
"I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice."
"Would you make love to him?"
"Honey," the woman said patiently, "he would be my husband."
"Would you give him my car?"
"No," she yawned, "He can't drive a stick shift."
1. Saw elephants
2. Tried to catch said elephants
3. Disco danced around my cubicle at work
4. Had to re-mortgage the house to buy more expresso
5. Bartender told me I'd had enough
6. Heard sloshing sounds when I walked
7. Shook too much to hook up the coffee IV
8. Supported the other half of the Colombian GNP
9. Been to the John 15 times in the last 30 minutes
10. Seizures are starting to affect my driving
1. Drunkenberry Punch
2. Strawberry Escargo
3. Tastes Like Teen Spirit
4. Toxic Yellow Surprise
5. Roadkill Red
6. Rocka-fishy Tuna
7. Chocolate Fudge Ripple
8. Picklejuice
9. Shrimp Cocktail
10. Sea Monkeys
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."
One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
*I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.
*I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.
*I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
*I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
*I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year.
*I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
*I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
*When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
*I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
*I will think of a password other than "password."
*I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She felt uncomfortable and immediately moved to another seat. This time his smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. She moved a third time, to a seat farther away, and he was chuckling loudly. She moved again to where she thought she would be out of his line of sight. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: "When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. BUT... when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident", I laughed out loud."
"CASE DISMISSED" said the Judge.