Unwanted Memories

By Karahkwa Ross

Codes: ST Voy, C/K

Disclaimer: All things Trek belong to Paramount. The situations are purely my own. I mean no copyright infringement.

Summary: Sequel to “Uninterrupted Sleep.” Chakotay and Harry have a few things to work out before they can get together.

Chakotay was floating. He was back on Dorvan and thirteen years old again. He and his older brothers were skinny-dipping in the lake near their father’s farm. It was a rather popular spot and most of the neighbor boys would come here to swim.

There was a sound at the other end of the lake and Chakotay raised his head to see the CrowMen brothers diving into the lake. Sighed he lowered his feet and started to dog paddle towards where he’d left his clothes.

“Hey, ‘Kotay, where you going? We’re gonna play some water polo with the CrowMens.”

“Sorry, Minco. I’m going home.”

“But ‘Kotay there’s five of them. We can’t beat them with only three.”

“You should have thought of that, Moki, before you challenged them.”

“How was I to know you were going home? You’re usually the last one out.”

“Not today.”

“Is there something wrong?”

His brother’s question had him looking over at the other end of the pond. Jacob CrowMen stood on the edge of the water in nothing but a very brief pair of swim trunks. He groaned softly when he felt himself being drawn to that beautiful body.


Chakotay looked down into his brother’s eyes. He stared in horror as he realized Cheveyo knew. “I just need to go home.”

His brother nodded. “Okay. Be careful.”

Chakotay knew that he meant more than just getting home. “I will.”

He headed across the field to the road leading for home. He could hear the laughter the game was causing from the crowd that had gathered to watch. He knew he should be there with his brothers but he just couldn’t be naked near Jacob. It was too much of a risk. His body could betray….


Chakotay looked up to see the old farmer who owned the lake. “Hello, Mr. WhiteWolf. How are you today?”

“Isn’t the water polo game today? Shouldn’t you be at the pond?”

Chakotay gulped. I don’t want to answer this. “Yes, sir. But I couldn’t stay.”

“Why not?”

“I just couldn’t, sir. I didn’t feel ri-well.”

The older man nodded and Chakotay started walking again. He didn’t make it another 20 yards before….

Harry Kim came awake mid-fall. It took him a moment to figure out where he was. When he came back to him he was on his feet in seconds. Chakotay was twisting and moaning from a nightmare that Harry didn’t know how to stop.

“Chakotay? Commander?” Harry spoke just above the level of the moans. Instead of waking the man up it made him stop making sound. He could see Chakotay biting down on his lip to stop the noise. Harry sighed and reached down and nudged his would-be-lover.

Chakotay bolted up right and called out at the top of his lungs, “I tried, Chev.”

“Chakotay?” Harry’s voice was whisper soft but the commander’s head whipped around to look at him. The minute their eyes met, the older man’s tension just seemed to just drain out of him. “Chakotay?” he asked again when the man’s eyes closed.

“I’m sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I just have these rather… vivid dreams sometimes.”

“Want to talk about it?” Harry chewed on his lower lip nervously. Chakotay was the one who knew about dreams and all that. He wasn’t sure he could help.

“No. I want you to get back into bed and hold me until the alarm goes off.”

Harry smiled. “I can do that.”

The two men returned to the positions they’d started the night in. While it took Harry about half an hour to drift off to sleep again, Chakotay was back in dreamland in less than ten minutes.

He huddled in the back corner of the barn. He didn’t know what to do. Cheveyo knew. Mr. WhiteWolf knew. It wouldn’t be long before everyone knew. He’d disgraced his family; he’d be kicked out the tribe; he’d be…


Chakotay held back a sob. He wouldn’t cry. It wouldn’t help any and only babies cried. He just didn’t know what to do.

Harry stirred slightly. He absently wiped the gathering liquid off his chest and decided he had to talk to Chakotay about his drooling in the morning.

He was all ready asleep before he realized it might not be drool…

Cheveyo never said a word. Mr. WhiteWolf didn’t mention a thing. Chakotay counted his blessing and ignored Jacob CrowMen until he entered the Academy. He thought it would be easier. His first love was light-years away and by the time he went home again Jacob would be married and he’d stop feeling this way.

Only it wasn’t Jacob CrowMen that haunted Chakotay while at the Academy. It was Michael Stratton.

Chakotay rolled over, his back to Harry. The younger man was slightly awakened by the movement but only responded by snuggling up behind his companion.

Chakotay was on his back beneath his best friend. If it weren’t for the fact that he wasn’t supposed to let Mike know how cute he thought he was and the fact that this meant he’d failed another self-defense lesson, Chakotay might have enjoyed it.

“Cadet Chakotay.”

Sighing, the two boys rose and Chakotay snapped to attention. “Yes, sir.”

“This is the third time this week you’ve failed this exercise. Is there a problem?”

Only that I like being underneath Mike… “I don’t know, sir.”

“Well, you’d better figure it out!”

Chakotay’s shoulders drooped as soon as the instructor walked away. He hated being reamed out. It reminded him of his father and being home. And given the reason for this most recent tongue-lashing, his mind didn’t want to go there.

“Hey, ‘Kotay, what is the deal? You do fine when we practice with Dave and Chris. You’ve got the best moves of all of us.”

I don’t know… you can try your moves on me anytime. Chakotay looked down embarrassed by his thoughts.

“Chakotay? What is it?”

He sighed. He’d have to give him the only answer he could. “I just get so nervous…”

Mike laughed and lightly punched him on the shoulder. “You’ll get over it. Now let’s hit the showers.”

Chakotay froze. Shower with Mike? See Mike naked? “Uh….”

Harry sighed and sat up. Chakotay was moving around again. If they got serious and his staying the night became an all the time thing, he was going to have to make sure the older man was too exhausted to move before he let him go to sleep.

Harry smiled. That could be fun… he thought as he patiently waited for the older man to settle down.

Only the commander didn’t settle down. He got even more restless.

”Come on, Cha. We’re supposed to meet the gang in a half-hour. You act like you think I’m gonna jump you in the shower.”

Chakotay swallowed. Well something like that… “Uh…”

Harry sighed as he scooted over to the very edge of the bed while the older man’s arms flayed about. This was ridiculous. The man didn’t sleep like this all the time, did he?

Could he have a serious relationship with this man if it meant he had to sleep in his own quarters? How could they ever survive marriage…?

Wow… Marriage? Did he really want to marry Chakotay?

“Yeah… eventually. But we gotta stop this tossing and turning.”

Chakotay’s body jerked at the voice but he didn’t awaken. Instead, he wiggled himself right off the bed. He sat up and stared blearily at the bed. He didn’t seem to notice Harry.

“Damn, I thought they’d gone away.”

“What had, Chakotay?”

Chakotay’s eyes flew to his face. Harry knew that the older man hadn’t remember that he was there. It stung but given the rough sleep the commander was having, it was completely understandable.

The older man blushed and looked away. He rose and went into the bathroom. Harry sighed. Seemed like they were gonna have to do this the hard way.

Chakotay stood under the shower. He’d set the temperature as hot as he could stand it. If only the water could burn away his memories.

Why? Why were those memories back? He hadn’t thought about Jacob CrowMen or Mike Stratton in years. Not since he’d joined the Maquis. So why tonight, when he was finally willing to make a step towards a real relationship, did they come back?


He rested his head against the wall. He could hear the confusion and hurt in Harry’s voice, along with a thread of steel that told him he would be doing some explaining. Still it didn’t keep him from trying.

“Please, Harry, not now. Maybe you should go home.”

Chakotay was surprised when the shower door opened and Harry stepped in still wearing the pajamas he’d borrowed. His eyes got huge when the younger man pushed him into the corner and then kissed him senseless.

“I told you I was staying the night, Commander. Your dreams aren’t going to send me running.”

Chakotay sighed at the words. Somehow, he knew that would be the case. That didn’t make him want to talk about it anymore.

“Is it me? Do you not want me but don’t know how to tell me?”

Chakotay’s head shot up. How could he ask that after this evening? “No. No. Harry, it’s not you. It’s me.”

Harry nodded once. “Then what did you dream that was so bad?”

“I didn’t dream, Harry. I remembered.”

“What? What did you remember?”

“Jacob CrowMen and Mike Stratton and Mr. WhiteWolf and Chev knowing and…”

Harry brushed his lips against his to stop the frantic words. “Who’s Jacob CrowMen?”

“The first person I ever fell in love with. he was a year older than I was. My brothers and I used to compete with him and his brothers. I knew I loved him when I was eight. My brother Cheveyo and the old man who owned the neighboring farm found out when I was thirteen. I was afraid that they’d tell and I’d be kicked out of the tribe. I’d lose my family, everything. I’d be all alone.”

Harry reached up and brushed the tear from Chakotay’s cheek. “What happened?”

“Neither told and I avoided Jacob as much as I could. But that was really hard when he married my sister.”

“Oh, Chakotay. I’m sorry.”

“Why? I knew he didn’t… Besides, I went off to the Academy. I figured I’d never see him much anyway.”

Harry nodded but Chakotay could see the sympathy in his eyes. Then again Harry had know something about seemingly unattainable lovers.

“And Mike Stratton?”

“My best friend at the Academy. I had the hots for him but I… I couldn’t forget all the things I’d heard about how wrong it was.”

“And you still can’t forget. Can you? You say you don’t care but you do care what people will think.”

“Harry, I do want… I just…”

Harry kissed Chakotay hard. The older man melted into his arms. When his brain began screaming for oxygen, he pulled back to whisper against his lips, “It’s all right, Chakotay. We’ll just go slow. I promise.”

Chakotay nodded. “Can we go back to bed now? You can tie me up if you want.”

“I think I’ll wait on the restraints until we’re a bit farther into our relationship.”

Harry laughed at the site of his commanding officer blushing from head to toe. Chakotay ducked his head and shook it slightly. He was way too old for this.

“Come on, Harry. Let’s see if we can make it the rest of the night without some unwanted memories.”

The End

Return to Fan Fics
Return to Karah's Place
Return to Planets Page
Return to the Cosmos

Email: karahkwa@startrekmail.com