One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The
kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck.
There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded
into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter,
dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a
small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with
toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He
was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a
book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He
at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from
work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. He had
been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed
by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When investments went sour, you were by my side. When my business failed,
you were there. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side...
"You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in
a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her
interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly
Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a
beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked
around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style
golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing
privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one
representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What
are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter
replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.
This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it
weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years
Growing Old is Mandatory, Growing Up is Optional
Age & treachery will always overcome youth & skill.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
It's amazing what you can accomplish with a little hard work and a lot of whining.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair as you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies:~ They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now.........I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling".
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer....but it's a lousy beautician.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat are real good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, ....it begins to show.
Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I miss the most.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Some days you're the bug ~ some days you're the windshield.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser get anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health . . My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire!
Women:Remember, as we get older we are no longer having hot flashes ~ we now have power surges.
Amazing! If you hang something in your closet for a while, it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter ~ it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Be open-minded, but not so open-minded that your brains fall out.
Age is not important unless you're a cheese.
When my ship finally comes in ~ I'll probably be at the airport.
The best ten years of a woman's life are between the ages of twenty-nine and thirty.
The secret of perpetual youth ~ lie about your age.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
One of the most difficult tasks in this world is to convince a woman that even a bargain cost money.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out ~ but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards ??
Men & Women Compared
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a coffee, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites - (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)