Despite the thousands of thoughts running through my head, there's one question stuck in a continuous loop. "Just what the hell were you thinking?" I wish I had an answer to that question, but I don't. I've seen him around town with her. I knew she'd be there. Then why did it still cut me to pieces seeing her with him, her blonde hair in tangles where his fingers had run through it, her lips still swollen from his kisses?

Because, my mind is quick to remind me, she was standing there wearing nothing but his robe. Remember how he used to leer at you when you dressed in his clothes? How it made you feel like you were beautiful, desirable, sexy, just from the way his eyes would light up when he looked at you?

Lowering my head, I kick at the concrete beneath my feet. I remember. Even though sometimes it feels like it was all some dream, like it didn't really happen, I remember. My body remembers.

I used to dress in his clothes all the time. There was something erotic about wearing something that had been so close to his skin against my own and I loved how his smell was with me throughout the day. In the back of my drawer I've still got a T-shirt of his. I've never washed it, terrified of losing his smell. Of course after six months that too has faded.

And why are they always blond? Justine, Kristie, Andie... hell, even Tamara Jacobs was a blonde. Was I his only aberration?

As I push open the door of my dorm room, I can't help but sigh. Through the general gloominess shines the slightest beam of hope. I've come to an important decision some hours ago. I've made the first step towards fixing everything that's wrong in my life. No matter how small that step, it's still better than sitting on my ass doing nothing but moan about it. Things can only get better from here.

The smile that comes with that thought vanishes at the sight in front of me.

"Where the hell have you been?"

She's standing in the middle of our room, her side of it in as much of a mess as always, her hands planted firmly in her sides. Great! I'm surrounded by blondes who annoy the hell out of me.

"Out for a walk," I reply calmly, as I walk towards my closet and start pulling out clothes for my first class.

"Out for a walk? Did you forget something when you went out for a walk? I don't know, say, a boyfriend in your bed?"

Why do you think I walked around Boston for three hours? For my health? Because I was hoping Dawson would be gone by the time I came back. It's not cowardice on my part. Well, okay, perhaps I'll admit to some cowardice. Mostly it's his temper... both our tempers I'm worried about. In the heat of the moment he always says things he regrets later, which in turn makes me do the same. I'd rather avoid confrontation until he's cooled down a bit.

I try to ignore Audrey, but after living with her for the last three months, I really should know better. She rattles on without even taking the slightest notice of me.

"I mean, it's one thing asking me to spend the night at Zack's place so you can have some private time with Dawson, but it's another entirely to walk out on him and leave me to clean up your mess. He almost wouldn't leave. Said he wasn't leaving until you came back. I had to threaten to call security before he'd go."

Did she say, walk out on him? Did he tell her about the note I left him? I can't imagine Dawson doing something like that. He'll want to hash it over with me first, analyse it to death before turning to a third party for advice. And even then, it wouldn't be Audrey. Jen perhaps, or Jack, but never Audrey.

"What happened?" she continues, obviously completely missing the point why I'm ignoring her, the reason being that I don't want to discuss it. "Did you have a fight, is that it? What did you do? Scream out Pacey's name while he was fucking you? Is that what happened?" She giggles at her own cleverness, but her words hit a little too close for comfort. It's times like these when I truly regret ever telling her about Pacey.

"Thank you, Audrey," I snap, as I wiggle out of my shirt. "As always your crass ignorance is both insulting and hurtful."

She pffts, hardly impressed. "Hey, I was the one who almost had to change in front of your boyfriend who wouldn't leave, so I wouldn't get on my high horse if I were you."

The correction falls out of my mouth automatically. "Ex-boyfriend."

"Oh really?" Her voice rises along with her eyebrows. "I'm surprised it lasted this long."

Her words make my head snap up at her, my fingers halting in the middle of unzipping my jeans. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sitting down on her bed, she crosses her arms as she gazes at me challengingly. Oh, I don't like the look of this.

"Oh come on, Joey, you're one of the smartest girls around here. Playing dumb really isn't a look that suits you."

Just what I fucking need, another lecture. Toeing off my shoes so I can get out of my jeans, I shrug dismissively. "You have no idea what you're talking about." Not that that is going to shut her up, oh no.

Of course she proves me right. "Puhlease! I'm not Jack or Jen. I haven't been trained to kiss you and Dawson's fucking ass all the time. I just call 'm as I see 'm, and you sweetie, are still completely hung up on your ex." Before I get a chance to say anything, she adds sharply, "and you know damned well I'm not talking about Dawson, so don't even say it."

Why would I say anything when she's hit the nail right on the head? Lifting my bathrobe from the end of the bed, I pull it around me, shivering slightly as the image of the blond girl in Pacey's robe invades my mind.

"Whatever, Audrey," I sigh, grabbing my toilet bag and towel, and hurrying out the door. If I thought that I'd escape this easily, I was wrong.

"I'm not done with you, missy," she shouts, following me down the corridor towards the bathroom. Barely suppressing the urge to slam the bathroom door in her face, I hear her barge in as I put my bag on the washbasin.

"I mean, don't get me wrong," she continues, I'd swear in the same breath, hauling her ass on the basin next to me as I start brushing my teeth, "the first time I saw you and Dawson I thought you two were cute. But that was before I met Pacey." Out of the corner of my eye I see her put the back of her hand against her forehead as she pretends to swoon. "Hamana hamana, come to mama, baby!"

"He's just a guy," I mumble, spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing out my mouth.

"Yeah, that's just it, honey, he's a guy. A tall, hunky, sweaty, manly guy. Makes your little film student, oops, I meant film school drop out," I roll my eyes at her lack of subtlety, "look like Woody Allen in comparison."

Shaking my head in exasperation, I grab the bottles of shower gel and shampoo, and disappear into one of the stalls. It occurs to me, as I hang up my robe and start regulating the temperature of the water, that I won't have to listen to her prattling over the sound of the shower stream. Wrong again, as her voice bellows over the noise.

"Come on, Jo, you can't tell me that Dawson hits it as hard as Pacey does. There's no way on earth you'll make me believe that."

My eyes widening, I yank the door ajar and glare at her. "Will you keep your voice down?" We're not the only ones in here right now and it's bad enough that Audrey knows all about my romantic entanglements. I have no desire to be the talk of the entire dorm floor.

"Can't. You wouldn't hear me over the noise of the water."

"That's the general idea," I mutter, as I close the door and return to my shower. I might as well give up. She's not going to go away until she's had her say.

"Well, he doesn't, does he?"

It takes me a moment to get back up to speed and when I do, I sigh again. Of course he doesn't. That much should be obvious to the blindest bat. When I don't reply, she continues unperturbed. I didn't expect anything else.

"You know, I saw him in town the other day, with that girl of his. What's her name, Melanie?"

My hands stop where they are lathering shampoo into my hair. "Yeah?" I offer, trying as hard as I can not to let my voice shake. I'm sure it doesn't fool Audrey for a second.

"Yeah," she babbles on as if she hasn't even noticed the tremor in my voice. "He was actually laughing! You know, I've never seen him laugh around you. He always looks like he's torn between ravishing you on the spot or throttling the life out of you." Standing under the water stream, my eyes close, though the main reason isn't to stop the shampoo from running into them. "What the hell did you do to the poor guy?"

I fell in love with him.

"So can I ask you a question, Jo?" As if my saying no is gonna stop her. "How do you go from someone like Pacey to someone like Dawson? I mean, I can understand the other way around, but don't tell me Dawson can keep you satisfied once you've had Pacey. What do you do, have a vibrator handy or something?"

I know I shouldn't, but I really can't help chuckling, while at the same time part of me starts to freak that she must have found it, buried deep in the back of my dresser drawer, wrapped inside that T-shirt. Association makes my thoughts leap to my private moments with those particular two items, the thoughts running through my head at those times causing my breath to hitch, as the smile freezes on my lips. My hands, which had been smoothing the soap across my body, suddenly become his hands, caressing me like only he can, making my body sing to his melody. A shudder passes through me as I run my soapy hands across my breasts, feeling my nipples harden. God, I can just cry I miss his touch so much.

"Of course it is said that money is the most powerful aphrodisiac."

I was so wrapped up in my memories of Pacey that I'd completely blocked out Audrey's voice, but those words definitely seep through. The little fantasy bubble I'd woven bursts loudly, the whisper of his hands on my body evaporates, as reality settles around me once more and Audrey's voice drones on.

"I wouldn't know. I've always been rich. Give me a man who knows what to do with his hands. Oh god, yes! But I can see where that wouldn't impress someone with no money like you. Is that it, Jo? Is Dawson's money a turn on for a poor little girl like you?"

It's too much. The feeling of guilt and nausea that sweeps through me almost sends me crashing to my knees. How can someone as self-involved and crass like Audrey be so right on the money? I chuckle bitterly at that last word. Money. I lost the love of my life over money.

Something inside me breaks, starts to rebel. No! I've taken that first step last night when I decided to break up with Dawson. Whether or not I can turn things around with Pacey remains to be seen. One thing I know from my visit to his boat this morning, I still affect him as much as I always have. Small comfort perhaps, but enough for right now.

Determination back in place and my anger roused, I snap the water shut. Wrapping the big fluffy towel around me, I yank the stall door wide open. "Shut the fuck up right now," I snap harshly, the warning clear in my tone. I've had enough of her nonsense.

She seems hardly impressed though. Still sitting on the washbasin, she holds up both hands in surrender. "Touched a sore spot, have I? There's no need to get all defensive, Jo. Money's not a dirty word." Finally jumping to her feet, she shrugs. "I really don't get it. It's only people who have no money who think it's vulgar or something. Money can buy happiness, you know? Just ask Dawson."

It slips out of my mouth before I'm even aware of it. "Dawson's not happy." It's only after I've spoken those words that the truth of them sinks in. "Dawson's not happy," I repeat softly to myself.

How could he be, knowing that only half of me is in this relationship? It's what drove Pacey to put thousands of miles between us. Is that it? Am I forever doomed to be incapable of giving anything more than half of myself to any relationship? What was the name of that bible king who threatened to cut a baby in half to stop two mothers from fighting over him? Maybe that's what Pacey and Dawson should do, just cut me in half, seeing how half of me is what they end up with anyhow. My mind can go to Dawson as long as my heart ends up with Pacey. I grimace at the thought. It's true though, isn't it? My loyalty belongs to Dawson, but my heart is Pacey's.

"No?" Audrey questions and I look up from drying myself off long enough to see her watch me through the open door sceptically. "Looks to me like he's got everything to be happy. The girl he's always wanted finally all to himself. Enough money to lounge about town without having to work for a living like that scrumptious Pacey of yours."

Sometimes she annoys the crap out of me. Wrapping the towel around my hair, I shrug back into my robe. As I walk out of the stall and towards her, I glare at Audrey. "Yeah, he's got everything to be happy. His father's dead. He gave up his lifelong dream of film school to be around his mother and baby sister..."

A smirk on her face, Audrey wags a finger at me, as she interrupts me. "Ah ah ah. He gave up his lifelong dream to be with you. The death of his father just gave him a convenient excuse." I would smack her if she weren't so right. "That's why you feel so guilty about dumping him. He owns your ass, sweetie. And you know it."

The shampoo and shower gel bottles land a little too violently into my bag, her words getting me worked up. What is she, my conscience? No, I realize, as the anger slowly fades away and I gaze stunned at my own reflection in the mirror above the basin. She's my sounding board. All the thoughts, all the truths I'd refused to acknowledge, that I didn't dare to bring to the surface out of fear of what they might mean, she spoke them out loud.

Turning around towards her slowly, it dawns on me what she's done. She's forced me to face the truth. Just like Pacey, she doesn't allow me to hide in the dark closet at the back of a bedroom. Apparently she can read the realization in my expression, because a slow smile blossoms across her lips, her eyes suddenly alight with understanding.

"It takes more courage to accept the truth about yourself than it takes to continue living a lie," she says, her voice no longer harsh and grating, but soft and full of compassion.

Tears start to fill my eyes as I walk towards her and envelop her in a bear hug. I need more friends like Audrey in my life, people who won't put up with my bullshit, who don't let me get away with everything the way Dawson does. All it did for me is turn me into the most selfish bitch who drove away the only man she was ever truly in love with and forced another to give up his lifelong dream.

"Thank you," I whisper, now more certain than ever of what I need to do. It's not going to be easy. I don't deserve it to be easy.