Last night i went to Dennys... i put my pencil to papper and this is what came out. 9-16-00 Have you ever felt like makeing a drastic change in yourlife, but felt poweless to do so? Well im 19 and a college student and that is how i feel. i feel hopeless and alone. I live in a world of fantacy and thats the onely time i find that i am truly happy anymore. People say that Im strange but I'm actualy normal yet I'm beguining to beleve the only normal person in this world, so i seem strange to everyone. To back this up i will talk about my friends. First off theres Jenn, She realy dosnt seem to give a fuck about anyone... and shes not afraid to show it. I beleve thats why so many people are drawn to her. Then theres Chuck he dosent realy like people in general and dosnt talk much unless he knows you. Then there is John, Hes a Drama Queen. Thats all there is to him other then the fact thet he is a wannabe cosmotalogist. And then there is Danule Hes a nice guy he dose Tatoo art and works with the mentaly disabled, avtualy he gave me my tatoo. Then theres his wife Dusty,Danule's wife, shes a real sweetheart and as close to being as normal as there is, but to back up the fact that she is not normal... she is married to Danule. Then there is Matty and Andrew, there the cute cupple but bolth a bit out there. Then there is my ex roommate Kathy shes a single mom at the age of 22 she is defanently not normal, but im not going to say why least this falls in the wrong hands. Here comes Iceman - no literaly he just walked in the door. He stoped to see what i was doing and gave me a kiss on the fourhead. Hes a cool guy, but he has the strangest problom with women. Then theres Kay a seemingly nomal and together guy and my best friend, but only i know his troubles. Donovan, well i dont know him to well but hes in a Rock&Roll band...enuff said. As i sit here and write this my mind has strange thoughts, they wander off to a mani thought i would marry once apon a time. Robert. I wish he would have never moved away, he was the only person that I have ever truely loved, I find now that the rest were just Lust and infactuation. We tryed to work things out you know the whole long distance relation ship thing. There were always just things in the way money and lack there of othere people telling the other was not worth the heart ake and worry. I miss wakeing up in his arms, stareing at him while he sleeps. I miss his very touch. He was the first and only person i have ever truely loved . I sit at a table at Dennys on the corrner of Second and Main in the very center of Roswell New Mexico, I relise this That I am alone and that I will more then likely be alone for the rest of my life. Unless, I take action now, to change my life My life is a cunundrum . or even posibly a coil of what everyone else tells me wants me to do. Tonight is sit alone at table 4and i relise that life is not what is in the books and movies iv grown up with. Life is empty and cold and without explination. the strangeist people live and pass threw Roswell New Mexico, im sure very few stop to look at there lives. I relise that my life has not been the grateist but it hasent been the worst ethor. I have many things i regret in my life, but they were my choices. I'm the one at fault for the things I have done, Not my parents, Not my friends, Not the goverment, Not even the Educationg systoms of the world. If my life is screwed up its my fault and i should do something about it , the hard part is finding out what i should do. I'v been here nearly an half hour and the only people that have spoken to me are Iceman and my waitress. But it is early and no one useualy comes in untill 10 pm. As I sip my cherry coke and think ... I wonder, now that I know these things, what will I do with this Knowledge? *sigh* my life is a vertual Paragon of confusion and self loathing. This document that you are curently reading is ment to help myself and others like me. Walter is scaning the windows as he walks up to see who is here. He's a cook here at Denny's I almost feel sorry for him to work hereand to have his life.... it must be alot like my life. I wrote Alexander. He hasent replyed like her promissed her would. Hes one of my few online friends that i beleve truely understands me. I put on my walks man blareing NIN as to block out the voices and noises of of a normal resteraunt. My mind wanders again, to other places and people from So long ago. I Jessica Meyers never thought myself shallow till this very moment. when i relize that the people that i told i wouldkeep incontact with for the rest of my life , were long forgotten till this very moment. I need a ciggrett prehaps the nicotine will help clear my mind. i wander what Kay is doing. He is in Portalis, and i wonder if prehaps he was here would i be writeing this?....Melanie was just here. she is the Coolist 15 year old on the face of the Planet. Shes every thing I wished I was at her age, Free. She told me to Write of tim and i shall do so. Tim is the ultamit lost soul. He wanders from town to town in surch of himself. He is a Raver and a Hippie. Andrew and Matty are her there takeing Me to "the happy place." *L* Andrew and Matt have tought me a new word Defanetly maybe. Its about 11 pm ... Kay's here. i stoped here because i went home at one and everyone keeped me occupide untill it was time to go. Jessica K. Meyers
My Favorite Web sites
a character of mines homepage
Bens chatroom
