My Adoption Story
Welcome to the page where I tell all of you my about my adoption story. Hopefully illustrating what not to do as well as what to do when researching and collecting information. There will be no names in my story, but I will list places, years, and other non-identifying information. My saga isn't over yet, just entered a new chapter last year. It will most likely be boring to most, but hopefully not so boring for everyone. Remember this is a work in progress, I have a job and family so this is done in my spare time. To begin with, this is not a complaining story about the trials and tribulations that can and often are associated with someone talking about their life as an adopted child. It is actually a success story with the ending not here yet.
I will begin with the fact that I have known that I was adopted since a very young age, I can't recall exacttly the age, but young. As I think back now, I suppose one could I've always known, it was not a secret in our house. There are basically three stages to my story, the stage that I knew I was adopted, the stage of wanting to find information out about my adoption, and what I did with the information when I got ahold of it. You may find that this story does not follow chonologically at times, and for that all I can say is it didn't all happen in a set order. I will, however, try to keep from "reflecting" to much.
Having the knowledge of being adopted really had little effect on myself, my older sister (also adopted, two years prior to me), or my family as it changed and grew growing up. We both knew we were adopted, and it was real big deal with me. (we will tell my sister's story later) Granted, growing up you realize you do not resemble your parents and siblings, but for whatever the reason was, I was still happy. I grew up in a good home. As a family, we did suffer setbacks, a divorce, and finally the death of my adopted father. So, the run-down on that is this, my adopted parents divorced when I was seven. My adopted mother remarries and we move to Texas. I still see my dad every summer and life went on. In the summer of 1985, my adopted father died in a freak ultralight crash. I buried him, something no child should have to endure. Life continued on here in Texas, finished high school, went to college, got married, and then joined the United States Air Force.
While in the USAF, my oldest daughter was born, in 1990, and we we stationed in Japan. On the day she was born, my (now ex) wife was asked of her family medical history and I was asked. I thought to myself, I don't know any of these answers, I don't know my actual family history, I cannot answer any questions other than to base them on what I knew about myself. I was only 20, healthy, and didn't have anything on the list. This ate at me like you could not imagine. Asking myself questions like "how could I help to bring a life into this world and not know if I passed her anything genetically that could potentially be a health problem"? So, my quest began. With help from my wife, we wrote letters to pretty much every agency that would handle information about adoptions in South Dakota. Most replied with, sorry we don't have adoption information. Nobody did. Want to know why? Because my adoption records were sealed by the courts back in 1968. Well, we needed to get them unsealed. Well, as it happens, the judge who sealed them was still in office, just weeks away from retirement, and with more letter writing, I got my first bit of information. In the mail, I got a package from South Dakota, in it was my information I was seeking. Well, that was the thought at the time. It reminded me of the government letters you see on t.v. where all the names, places, dates, and so forth was lined thru with a big black marker. All this information confirmed was that yes, I was adopted. I was happy, yet I was pissed. After a few more letters, we found that the only thing the state was willing to provide was non-identifying information. We worked on it, and a very nice judge agreed with me that since I was serving our military in another country that he would wave me making an appearence in front of him in South Dakota and granted the un-sealing of any and all information the courts possessed. I actually recieved it quickly, within about 30 days of the hearing. After all the wait and red tape, I was going to have what I needed. Nope. Wrong again. However, this version had names in it and also a brief medical history of the the biological mother and well as her family. Great, no health issuse known at the time of my birth. I suppose one could say I was satisfied now, I think we are safe.
Meanwhile, years later, in 1999, I'm getting my own divorce, I'm also getting out of the USAF. After I remarry in 2000, my wife is going thru some things and asked what a big binder with all these letters and stuff was. So, I told her it was a part of my search for adoption information. She has been a big advocate of finding where I came from and who I am. At that time, I had already lay it to rest, I don't know that I was done forever, but I was done for the time being. So, she read everything, had her own conclusions and decided sge was going to start the ball rolling again. At this point, I did have names. She did some homework on the internet and we started making some phone calls. The successful call went to one of my biological mother's brothers. Was he in shock? Wouldn't you be if a stranger called you and started telling you a story? I explained who I was and who I was looking for. The amazing part was that he sounded older, and that he had heard of me, in theory, just recently, just before his mother died. *Pause* At this time he explained to me that between my biological mother and his mother, they had kept this a secret for 33 years. So, they let the cat out of the bag when their mother was dying and explained what had happened in short detail. He had very little information about any of it. Finally, I asked him to give her my phone numbers and wait to see if she calls me. He told me he was not comfortable giving me hers, not knowing if she wanted to have contact with me. The following day, while we were at work, she called and left a message on the machine to contact her, it was fine. I couldn't do it, I could not make that call, I chickened out if you will. Have no fear, my wife called her and they had a good conversation and she still wanted to talk to me. I still couldn't do it, I don't know why either, fear maybe. My big problem was simple in my mind. I was having a hard time interjecting myself into her life and vice versa. My wife calls from the other room without me knowing it, walks over to me and tells me the phone was for me. Funny, I didn't hear the phone ring!! I took that call, scared witless, but talked with her nonetheless. Eventhough that was a very short phone call, it seemed to take forever, and when it was done, I felt as though I had a couple more grey hairs due to putting on a few more years.
We spoke a few more times over the next months and each time we exchanged a little bit more information. Findinding out what I thought to be the situation and conditions of my arranged adoption, I felt lucky to be where I was in life, because I think it would have been much more different if I was not put up for adoption. Some of the key conditions to it all were that she was soon to be an un-wed mother, who was also under the age of eighteen, who lived in a very small community in South Dakota. I know from speaking with my own mother, that those were the times of covering up the unplanned pregnancies. Which, is was happened, she was shipped off to another town to live with relatives very discretely. My adoption was very planned, her mother, to my understanding, gave her no other options. On the day I was born, she didn't even get to see me, not for one second. Although, she did ask the social worker to sneak her a picture after a few months and the social worker complied and gave her a picture that was taken with my foster parents. Meanwhile, my parents were in the process of adopting me, going thru the meetings and fulfilling their requirements, and I was adopted at four months of age. Well now, this all explains alot, so I thought. I was given a name of the biological father so I could track him down also. All dead ends. One day I called her to confront her on the name, by this time we figured out it was a friends name, so she did not have to list the actual father, you'll see why here in a bit. After a long......dramatic....pause, she tells me that we are all grown up now, all adults, and that she would give me his name, for better or worse.
She didn't have anything but a name. It's okay, it's 2008, we have highspeed internet and a wife that won't quit. We found a few phone numbers, the first we tried was for my biological father. Imagine, if you can, that conversation. Actually, that is all I can even do, he died in the mid 90's. How did I find this fact out. Well, I called his house. My wife makes the phone call and a gentleman answered the phone. She introduced herself and he introduced himself and then explained that he had died. Huge set-back. We had another number which he confirmed to be one of my biological father's sons'. So, we hung up with him, strangely startled, and called the next number. My wife calls, gets an answering machine, and leaves a very generic message with my numbers and a apology if we had reached this nimber by mistake. Now disappointed, we decided to carry on with our original plans, grocery shopping. When we pulled into the parking lot where we shop, my phone rang, with a South Dakota number, and my wife answered the phone. She spoke with him for a few minutes and then I did. That was one of the hardest conversations I ever had. Since we were on our way into the store, we arranged that I would speak with him later in the evening. Once we were home and the groceries were put up, I sat down and called him. We had a long converstion, he filled me in on things, I filled him in on things. Remember, before this moment, I did not exist to them. I knew I had people out there somewhere, but they had no idea. That's not fair, as I found out, a few of the brothers and sisters had the idea that one day that might get a visit, knowing their father. I don't say that in a ugly manner either, because everything I found out about him was by talking with his children and his widowed wife. After hanging up, I was quiet that evening, and for a few days. What can did I just open? What will happen now? And so on. A few days later, he called me back, and informed me he had spoken with his mother since we last spoke, and wanted to tell me about it.
Imagine the reaction. Imagine the frustration. Personally, I don't know how I would take in information such as all this. I know now that my biological father died with his secret. He shared it with no-one. Now, as I found out, some of his family members may have suspected something like or wondered if someone would ever come knocking. But doing it in passing, not always having it on their mind, especially as all of them got older. Back to what I started here. She was upset. How do you describe how one really feels or what another person is really thinking deep down. I have spoke with her a few times. Let me tell you what kind of person I think she is now. Actually, I will let you in on what she told me and you decide. After speaking, after thinking about things, after it has all set in, she told me that had she known of the situation, that she and my biological father would have taken me instead of letting me be adopted by strangers. She said there would have been no hesitation and I would have been a part of their family and raised as one of them. This come from a person who I have no blood ties with and only now knew I existed. It meant a great deal to me that she was willing to speak with me, to tell me things to put my puzzle together, and that she hopes we all meet one day. That is an open hearted and open minded person. Again, I can't begin to imagine the strength and courage needed to even speak to me. After it was all out in the open, I sat back to review, to examine things within myself, and to make sure I had done the right thing by interupting their lives. Something I did not want to do. I was wrong, I was welcomed with open arms.
Now I can tell you the story of how I came to be. I can do this now, at age 40, because by contacting the people I did, they each contributed to putting this big puzzle together. So, to set the time line for everyone, I need to start about a year prior to my birth. My biological father is married, has children of various ages and their family needs a baby sitter. Due to the area they lived, in the rural outskirts of town, the baby sitter needed a ride to and from alot of the times. I will remind everyone at this time that alot of the decisions were made based on the fact that she was sixteen. After she found out she pregnant and had the dealing with her own family she was sent to go live with relatives and the decision that she will give the baby up for adoption was settled. Time passes, she has the baby, and I was removed without her ever seeing me. She had spoke with her counseler and they worked out a way to get her a picture from the foster parents I lived with for a few months. Enter people interested in adoption, they go through the process and I was now adopted. I grew up with my family as any other normal child would do. Now in the present day, I locate my biological family and find out I have many brothers and sisters.
Now that we are at the present day, I tell you that I'm trying to get to know everyone as much as I can over the phone. I hope that in the very near future that we can all meet.
I end this with some stone cold hard facts so there is zero misunderstanding. I was not looking for another family to replace the one I have. I grew up happy, and still to this day have a real good relationship with my parents and my sisters. I confided in my mother with everything I did. Now, did she understand? I'll say yes. She understood I wanted to know where I came from. She told me that she knew the day might come when I would go looking for answers. So, as everyone can see, I wasn't seeking out something to replace another. I merely sought out the truth about my beginnings and how things came out to be how they did. I hesitated alot of the times because I didn't want to interfere in others lives, especially because I was secret. So, it is here that I conclude these chapters of my story. There will be more to come sooner or later, because it isn't over yet.
------------------UPDATES-------------------------
14 Apr 09
I met one of my 1/2 brothers yesterday. It actually was that easy also. He is a truck driver. He just happened to be in Baton Rouge yesterday and I was traveling through Baton Rouge yesterday. Here is how it all started..............
On Easter Sunday we went to my in-laws for dinner and cards. We play alot of spades there. Anyway, on our way home, I decided to call him and wish him a Happy Easter because I know he is always on the road. He informed me that he was stuck in Baton Rouge until Monday sometime. Well, as it goes, I was making a trip to New Orleans to deliver parts for my wife's aunt. So I told him that I would be passing through there in the a.m., would he like me to stop so we could finally meet. What do you think his answer was?
As it turned out, he wanted to meet me. We sat down for a little truck stop breakfast, talked, visited, and just took in the moment. I'm 40 years old and this is the first time I've met him. The meeting was cut rather short, I had work to complete and he had a load to complete.
Before we said goodbye, we exchanged a little more information, like I would be in his home state and city at the end of May for my oldest daughter's graduation. He said he would help pass the word so as many of us could meet together as possible.
Saying goodbye was hard.
11 June 2009
I had spoke about a pending trip to South Dakota earlier, but didn't know the details of all of it tho. As time progressed, the plans began to unfold and become a real trip. This trip was short, too short, I left Houston Texas on the afternoon of 28 May 2009 and returned back on 02 June 2009. As I recall, most of the trip was driving. It was a great trip, I had my wife and my mother-in-law joining me.
Our first stop was to visit my grandfather in Sioux City Iowa. As I sat with him in the cafeteria of the nursing home where he resides, I found myself remembering him 25 plus years ago. Now, he suffers from severe Parkinson's disease. Everyone told me that he had changed, everyone told me that it would be hard to see him like this, but no-one said anything about how hard it is to say good-bye to someone not knowing if you will ever see them again. It doesn't matter to me that he will not remember me or my visit. I got to see him, tell him that I loved him, and just talk with him.
Next, we continued on to Sioux Falls South Dakota. After checking into the room, I went to the cemetary to visit with my father (died 24 Sept 1983) for the first time since I buried him. I've always wanted to visit him, however location and money always seemed to get in the way. I will never let "things" or "circumstances" ever get in the way again. I spent a lot of time in front of my dad, thinking, talking, remembering, crying, and smiling. This man was my dad, he is the one that adopted me, and he will always be my dad. After a bit of time, I needed to leave, I needed to go pick up my wife and mother-in-law from the hotel.
After picking them up from the hotel in Sioux Falls, I went over to one of my biological sister's house to meet them for the first time. There is no way to prepare for something like this to happen. It was a short visit, 10 minutes max. We had planned to follow them out to Brookings South Dakota to visit another cemetary, the one where my biological father is buried. I was mixed prior to this visit. I was angry at him because I would never be able to meet him in person. I neede to see where he was buried. I needed the closure, the introduction, and the goodbye. I can't begin to explain how I felt standing in front of the man who died being the only person on his side of the family to know I existed. He died with his secret. In a way, I felt bad because I was telling his secret to those he loved. After a long sigh, I said good bye. We were now on our way to meet more of my biological family there in Brookings South Dakota. After driving for a bit, heading down a long dirt road, and finally turning into a driveway, I thought (over and over), just turn around, you don't have to do this, not now, maybe later. In the end, we parked, and were greeted by some really great people, a couple of dogs, and some longhorn steers out in the fields. Do I hug or shake hands? Fortunately for me....................they were huggers. After the initial introductions, a brother and his family, a sister and her family, and their mother and her husband, we moved to the deck where we all got to know each other in a very casual enviroment. Soon afterward, we ate, talked more, took pictures, talked some more, had more hugs, and eventually had to leave to drive the hour back to Sioux Falls.
It's Saturday moring now, time to get up and go eat breakfast. We went to the local Applebees. There I was to be re-united with my step-mother (married to my deceased father) and her two grandchildren, the daughters of my step sister who was working at the time. Reminissing is great and at the same time, it sucks. It means we had to re-open wounds that were closed and I thought healed. I was wrong. It was a good meeting, I have not seen her since 1983 either. After breakfast, we headed over to the nursing home where my step sister works, to suprise her. I was the one suprised, she grew up. Yes I knew this would happen, being she is only two years younger than me. But I had no idea what she looked like now. I enjoyed seeing her again. We did not have much time to chat then. We made up for it after I got back, when we spoke on the phone for about three hours. While we were there we took quite a few pictures, said goodbye. My step mother had a package of things that were about/from/belonging to/of my dad. After a short discussion and saying goodbye, we left. We headed back to the cemetary where my dad was buried, my wife and mother-in-law wanted to visit also. It has been 24 hours since I was here, and it was an easier visit. After a couple of hours, I felt I was done for this trip.
Now, we headed to Rapid City South Dakota to meet my 18 old daughter. She graduates the following day. We made a stop not to far into our trip, to do a little sight seeing in Mitchell South Dakota. We stopped to see the Corn Palace. I won't explain what it is here, just google it. We continued to Rapid City, I was now on my mission, the reason the birth of this trip was ever concieved, to see my daughter. She met us at the hotel room. Wow, she has grown. We talked, had some pictures, and gave her the graduation presents. After a while, me and her went out, we went midnight bowling. We had alot of fun, and did alot of talking. Soon, it was time for her to take me back to the room and for her to go home. The following moring, we woke up early and headed out to Keystone South Dakota to see Mt. Rushmore. After a few hours, we headed back to the room to get dressed for graduation. When we got there, she called me and told me where she would be at and where we should sit. In the end, the side we were supposed to sit was packed, so we went to the other side. 423 seniors were in line to graduate. My daughter was the very last one to be called. She is the victom of having a last name begining with "Z". Before she was called, I went down to get some pictures of her. After she had been called and it was over, I met up with her and tried to be with her for a bit to celebrate. Then, her mother, my ex, made her way through the crowd with an angry scowl on her face, I kissed my daughter and told her to call me when she was done later. She assumed she had plans to go out to eat with her mom. She was wrong. By the time we got her message, it was too late, we had already ate dinner and were on our way to a local park. She and her friends ended up going to play putt putt golf. Afterwords, we met back at the room for some reminissing and rememberance. The best part of my whole trip! Now it was late, she was tired, we were all very tired, and she left and we went to sleep. The next morning, we went to Wall South Dakota to see Wall Drug, another tourist attraction. When we were done there, we met my daughter for brunch. It was hard to say goodbye afterwords. But, we needed to get back to Houston so we could return to work on Wednesday.
And then we made the trek back home. I was amazed of the things I would think about while I was driving. Some making me extremely happy and some would make me feel very sad. A mixed bag of emotions were gathered on this trip. In the end, we made our trip and returned home safely. We are all happy the trip was made and look forward to the next road trip.
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