**Kayci**
As I lay here in bed tonight and Nick is kissing me, I can't stop thinking. A week has gone by since Nick's incident with the knife and his eating problem hasn't been getting better...it's only been getting worse. I mean, I live on a beach and he is so pale. He has lost so much weight. And it's not that I don't find him sexy anymore, because I do, it's just being in bed with him hasn't been the same. We haven't been making love, it's just sex now. It's like a chore...like we have to. There's no love exchange like last week when he asked me to marry him. Jeez, we aren't even married and we act like a seventy year old couple. It's like...we take our clothes off and he's literally in and out in ten minutes if not less. It's crazy. I just don't have the drive nor the desire even the energy to go all night like we used to...with force.
It's his eating problem. I have been so worried and I have to be so strong...I'm running on empty. I can't cry in front of him. He's so emotionally distraught right now, I can't run the risk of crying in front of him. The biggest secret that I hold to myself right now, is that all week I've been faking in bed. I know that he has a couple of times too, but by day...I'm crying in the shower and by night...I'm faking orgasms.
I stopped my mind and focused back on Nick. I couldn't let this go any further. I couldn't fake it another night. I put my hands on his chest and pushed on him. He looked into my eyes and I silently gasped to myself. His eyes were so tired and cloudy. There was love in there somewhere but all I could see and feel were pain and depression. "Nick, Sweetie, not tonight."
He rolled off of me. "Um, okay."
"I'm sorry. I'm just so tired and I know that you are, too." I laughed trying to lighten the mood. "I don't want to fall asleep in the middle!"
He laughed, too. Thank God. "I guess so. G'night, Honey."
"Good night, Babe." He rolled away from me. I curled up close to his back and put my arm over him. Oh my God. Alarms went off in my head. I could feel his ribs. I started putting more pieces together. We had gone to the beach but he never takes his shirt off...when we're alone in daylight and I try to take his shirt off, he freaks out...in bed, we haven't had some form of night light on so we can see each other's bodies...God. He doesn't want me to see. Anyone to see. He is getting worse. My Nick is slipping farther away from me. If I don't stop this soon, there may be no Nick left to save. But why do I have to do all of this alone? I can't handle this...at all! I just don't have the strength! I'm breaking down but I...I have to be strong. I have to get him through this. At least he ate a little tonight with the guys. He left for a while and when he came back and I asked him if he were hungry, he said he had already eaten with the guys. At least that was good. It was the only good piece of news I had gotten all week.
**Brian**
I was running a little late this morning. I had to go pick Nick up for rehearsal. We weren't starting another tour, they just wanted to keep us in shape and they didn't want us to forget any of the routines or anything. Come on, not like we were going to. We had done these same routines a countless number of times! I sat out in my car and beeped the horn. Nick and Kayci came to the front door. She gave him a kiss and said goodbye and watched him walk down the lawn. They act like a married couple already. She waved to me and I waved back. On the phone this morning, she sounded tired but she looked worse in person, although I was far away and she didn't have any make-up on yet. She always looks normal when she puts her make-up on.
Nick jumped in the car and he looked so bad. Terrible. Just icky. We didn't say much in the car and we had arrived at rehearsal within fifteen minutes.
Kevin had been sitting with his leg propped up for an hour watching us. Nick had been missing his cues left and right all day long. But now as we are doing "Everybody," I'm noticing something's really wrong. We were in the middle of a pattern and he knocked into me twice. I turned to see he had stopped moving and was standing there. I stopped and looked at him. His eyes were glazed over. "Nick?"
"I-uh..." He stopped. I jumped and caught him as he collapsed.
"Nick? Nick!" I sat down next to him on the ground. He hadn't fainted, just collapsed I guess...if that's any better. A.J. and Howie rushed over. "We have to get him home." Oh great. "I can't take him. I have to take my mother to the airport!"
"I'll take him," A.J. offered.
"Are you sure?"
"Of course." A.J. and I helped Nick up and brought him out to A.J.'s car.
"Thanks, man."
"It's okay. See ya later, Bri."
"Bye, A.J."
**A.J.**
I glanced over at Nick occasionally as I drove him to Kayci's. He had bought the town house next to mine the day that I had so between me, Nick and Kayci, we owned practically the entire road. I didn't want to leave him alone at his house and I knew that Kayci could help him. I knew that she knew what was wrong with him and he either made her promise not to tell anyone or she just didn't want to.
I pulled into Kayci's driveway. "Nick, stay in the car." He only looked at me and nodded slowly. I got out of the car and walked into Kayci's house. "Kayci?" I called. I saw her walking out of the kitchen with a towel over her shoulder.
"A.J.? Don't you have practice?"
"There was a problem."
"What?"
"Nick collapsed at practice."
"Oh my God. Where is he?"
"He's in my car. I didn't know where else to take him."
"I'm glad you brought him here." She shoved the towel towards me and ran as fast as she could outside. I stood in the doorway and watched as Kayci opened the car door and kneeled down to meet Nick's eyes. I couldn't hear what she was saying to him but I knew that she was upset. She slung his arm around her shoulders and helped him out of the car. She looked towards me and I ran over to help her. I grabbed his other arm and we helped him into the house.
"It's okay A.J.," Nick said. "I...can walk."
I let go of his arm and followed Kayci as she helped Nick into her room. I didn't know what happened to him. All I know is that he collapsed. He's always the one with the most energy but lately he's the one with the least amount of energy. I just wish he would talk to us. I mean, not even Brian knew what was going on and that meant serious trouble. I stood in the doorway and leaned against the wall. Kayci laid him down in her bed and pulled the covers over him. She went over and closed the shades then went back and sat down next to Nick.
"A.J.," she said, "can we be alone for a minute?"
"Sure."
"I'll make you something to eat after, okay?"
I smiled, I didn't know what else to do. "Okay. Thanks." I quietly closed the door behind me and walked out to the living room.
**Kayci**
I brushed my hand over Nick's face. His face was hot but I could feel him shivering. "Nick, are you okay?"
He nodded his head. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Don't you fucking lie to me. You're not okay. You gotta quit this shit. I'm so worried about you." I pulled the covers up closer to him. He closed his eyes. I could tell he was tired and I wanted him to get some sleep. "Nick, I want you to get some sleep, okay? If you need anything I'll be in the living room." I leaned down and kissed his lips and brushed the sweat from his forehead and pushed his hair back. I stood up and walked to the door. Before leaving, I turned and took one more look at him. He looked like hell and back...still. "I have my work cut out for me," I mumbled and walked out of my room.
I walked into the living room and found Jess and A.J. sitting on the couch. "Hey Jess. What are you doing here?"
They both stood up and Jess hugged me. "I came as soon as A.J. called me. Is Nick all right?"
"Yeah. He's sleeping," I replied.
"Good." She paused. "A.J. and I were going to go out to dinner tonight. Would you and Nick like to join us? To celebrate your engagement?" Nick and I? Sure, I would love to. But Nick...he would freak if I asked him to go out to dinner. "Please? You need to get out of this house! And so does he!" She was right. Well, maybe it couldn't hurt.
"Okay. We'll go. But we're celebrating our engagement, okay?"
"Great!"
"Where are we going?"
"I'm making A.J. take us some place fancy so I guess you guys will have to get semi dressed up."
"Okay. I'll go break the news to Nick." A.J. and Jess gave me a strange look. Oh no, I said the wrong thing. Okay, well... "You know how he doesn't like to get woken up!" They laughed, thank God. I walked back into my room. Nick was asleep and I didn't really want to wake him up, but they wanted to leave in a couple of hours...I hadn't realized how late it was getting. I sat down on the bed, next to him and kissed him. He opened his eyes and looked at me. I can't even describe it...it's like, he isn't even in there. "Hey Baby. How do you feel?"
"I feel a lot better, thank you." I knew that he didn't. His smile was so weak.
"In a little while, A.J. and Jess want to take us out to celebrate our engagement. Are you up to going out to dinner?" He thought about it. I could see the wheels turning in his brain...so to speak.
"Sure. Sounds like fun." Did he really just say yes? He sat up. I moved and put my arm around his back to steady him. "What should I wear?"
I laughed. "That's something that I usually ask you!"
"Well we are celebrating our engagement and if I'm going to make a big scene, I want you to be happy with what I'm wearing." He was trying to be cute, I could tell. And he was.
"How about I'll go run over to your house and grab something out of your closet?"
"Okay."
I kissed him again. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere."
"Where would I go?" I laughed again and walked out.
"Guys," I said to Jess and A.J., "I'm gonna go over to Nick's house and pick out something for him to wear. I'll be right back."
"Do you want me to drive you?" A.J. offered.
"It's right down the street."
"Well I'll come with you," Jessica said.
"You don't have to."
"Yes I do. If I'm gonna be seen with him, I want to make sure that I can tolerate it."
"Very funny." She followed me out of the house and we ran over to Nick's house.
**Nick**
I rubbed my head. Did I really just say that I would go out to dinner with them? Oh my God...what was I thinking? It's just that Kayci looked so hopeful and I knew that she really wanted to celebrate our engagement. Okay then Nick, it's settled...you're doing this for Kayci...you can do this. You have to. I laid back down in her bed. It was really hot in here and I really didn't feel too well. I shook out of my jeans and threw them on the floor. I laid there in my blue boxers and white wife beater. You know, I really hate that name. Wife beater. As soon as I marry Kayci, it'll be changed to...my white tank.
I heard a knock at the door. She couldn't be back already...could she? "Come in." I guess she could. She walked into the room carrying my green suit and my maroon silk tie in one hand and my black dress shoes in the other.
"I found the perfect outfit for you," she said very excitedly. "You are going to look so gorgeous! Now get up and go take a shower so I can fix your hair. It looks terrible."
"Gee thanks." I stood up and gave her a kiss. "Thanks Honey."
"You can thank me later when you're gorgeous again. Now go take a shower and use that new conditioner I got. It's on the top rack." Okay. I nodded. Easy enough. I went into the bathroom and shut the door. I started the shower and took off my white tank and my boxers and looked at myself in the mirror. Fuck. I looked like shit. I needed to lose some more weight. Maybe I could talk A.J. into taking me to the gym tomorrow or something. I drew my fist back but stopped myself. This was Kayci's bathroom...not mine. I couldn't bust the mirror, she'd kill me. But if it were my house, I would have crushed the reflection in a second.
I finished my shower, wrapped one of her green towels around my waist and walked into her room. She was sitting at her vanity brushing her hair. She looked at me through the mirror.
"Well that was fast." She stood up and looked me over. Oh shit, I was only wearing a towel. God, how could I have been so careless as to not take precautions so she wouldn't see my body? Now she would be so grossed out. Oh no, she's coming towards me. Oh God, she's right up next to me. She's probably gonna throw up on me now. She put her hands on my chest. "You look very gorgeous right now. I'd hate to put clothes on you but my job is to make you look gorgeous with clothes on." Huh?
"Okay."
"Sit down." I sat down in her chair and looked at myself in the mirror. Yet another mirror I wanted to break. She brushed my wet hair with her fingertips and then started to massage my neck. She leaned down and kissed my cheek. "Now, what am I going to do with your hair?"
I laughed. "I'm a guy. There's not much you can do with my hair. There's so little of it."
"Well, I've noticed that it's lost a lot of it's silky texture lately. But don't worry. Stay here, I'll be right back. Don't move." She walked out of the room leaving me there with the image of myself staring right back at me.
**Kayci**
"You guys can leave," I told Jess and A.J.
"Are you guys gonna have sex?" A.J. asked me. Jess smacked him.
"God A.J. You are so hormonal. Get off of it. No, we're not! But I think that you guys should go on ahead of us and we'll meet you at the restaurant."
"But why?"
"Because I want to surprise you."
"With what?"
"With Nick."
"Huh?" Jess asked. I sighed. It's always been obvious that Jess was never running with a Pentium II processor.
"I know that you guys have been noticing that Nick hasn't been looking himself lately...that he even looks a little sickly." They shook their heads profusely. "Well, since this is our engagement...party...and we have to look good, I am going to make Nick look really good. Like the old Nick would look. Inside and out."
"Cool," Jess said. "Well I guess then we'll meet you there." They stood up and I walked them out of the house. I had an hour and a half left. That was usually about the time it took for me to get ready but now I had to make myself look good and Nick look great. When he had walked into my room in a towel, he looked horrid. He usually had such great muscle definition but his skin was just pulled tightly...I can't even say it. I just had to stare into his eyes and feel the love that I have for him. It's enough. It has to be.
**Nick**
All of a sudden, someone waved their hand in front of my face. "Huh?"
"Nick, I've been calling your name for a while," Kayci said, shaking her head. "When I told you not to move, I didn't mean it so literally. Sheesh." Okay, whatever.
She pulled out a hair dryer and began to fix my hair. She stopped, put some weird gel in my hair and then continued blow drying it. She turned me around and looked at my face. "Hmm," she said. She reached into her large make-up kit. Her extremely large make-up kit and pulled out one of those compacts that was I guess foundation, powder and something else. These scientific women products confused me terribly. She pulled out some spoungy thing from it and started to spread it across my face. But I was used to this. Just not by my girlfriend...excuse me, my finaceé. She stood back and by the expression on her face, she was happy. She took my hand and stood me up. She handed me a pair of blue, white and green plaid boxers. "Put these on. I need your towel."
What? She just stared at me for a second. I undid the towel and handed it to her and slipped the boxers on. She just started toweling my hair like everything was fine, nothing had fazed her. She grabbed my dark maroon shirt and I slipped it on. She buttoned all of the buttons and handed me the hunter green pants. She tucked my shirt in and made sure that it looked all right. I missed having her make sure that all my clothes were fine. She had always used to do that. I sat down on her bed and slipped on the socks and dress shoes and tied them. She sat down next to me and combed my hair with her fingers again.
"What are you afraid of?" she said. Her words, they were almost haunting.
"What do you mean?"
"Deep inside of you...what are you afraid of? What is going on inside of you? What are you feeling?"
I sighed. "You want to know?"
"Of course I do."
"Like I said before, this whole Backstreet Boys thing...phenomenon if you'll call it. The fame and everything has been wonderful...don't get me wrong, the fans are pretty good, but when I think back to all of it...all I can hear is screaming. I don't hear people saying that they respect me or us all I can hear and picture are all of those people, all of those girls holding up signs saying that they love me. But it's not for my music, it's for my looks...which I don't have very much of at the moment. You've never held up any signs before." I paused and she laughed. "But that's why I love you. Because you're genuine and you know me and you respect me...I hope."
"Oh I do."
She stood up and went over to her closet. That was probably the best thing she could have done right then. I was done. I didn't want to go any further, but it felt so damn good to hear myself say all of that...to say all of that to Kayci. She understood me.
She pulled out a purple sundress with butterflies on it. Oh I loved that one. It was tight and the straps tied on her shoulders so I could just pull on them and it would fall off. Anyway, she pulled off her shorts and her shirt and stood facing away from me, half naked. She found a strapless bra and clipped it on and then pulled the dress over her head. She walked over to her vanity and sat down again. She looked at herself for a minute, probably deciding on what to do with her hair. She twisted it and held it up. "Nick, can you hold this for a minute?"
"Sure." I walked over to her and held her hair up while she pinned it.
"Thanks." She picked up the gold watch that I had given her a long time ago for her birthday and looked at the time. "Oh shoot. We have to be there in half an hour!" She pulled out all the make-up that she needed and I stood back. Watching any woman put on make-up is a total art form to me. She did it faster than I'd ever seen her. She sprayed on a splash of perfume, also a gift from me, slipped her high heel pearl sandals and grabbed her purse. She took my silk maroon tie and wrapped it around my neck. As she tied it, I kept looking at her face, at her expression of how serious it was. It was so weird that woman don't wear ties and yet they're the only ones that can tie them. I don't understand it.
"Thanks," I said and smiled. I put my hunter green jacket on and she buttoned it and straightened my tie. She stood back and looked at me and with one word a chill went through my body. It wasn't the word...she had said it millions of times before...it was just the way that she said it, and it was the only thing that she said before leaving the room.
"Gorgeous."
We arrived at the restaurant and had someone escort us to the table. "Hey guys," I said. Jessica and A.J. looked up at me and I swear that their looks were priceless. They both gasped.
"Oh my God," Jess said. "Nick you are drop dead gorgeous!"
"I know," I said. "Aren't I always?"
"No!" Jess said and shook her head. I was a bit taken back by that. It wasn't the answer I was expecting. "Wow, sit down you two." I pulled out the chair, across from Jessica, for Kayci and she sat down. I sat down next to her in the chair across from A.J. I looked up and saw Jess and A.J. staring at me.
"What?" I asked, almost a little annoyed.
"It's just...Kayci...what did you do to him?"
"Not that, if that's what you're asking," she replied. "I just...fixed him up a little bit."
Jess turned to me. "Nick you are just glowing. Do you have a glowstick in your mouth?"
I opened my mouth and showed her. "I guess not!" She laughed. But I knew what it was from. It was from opening up to Kayci and just telling her that little bit of what was going on within me...what I was thinking.