Well, I'm back from the shore and have had a wonderful vacation. It's sort of sad, however, that even on my vacation I can't escape from the idiots of the world. So many people go to Long Beach Island in late August (about 300,000... 7,000 which are actually locals), so I guess I really shouldn't be surprised that the idiots arrive in force as well. So, I'll start my return with a report on the types of idiots I saw there.
The Bike Nazi
How can you raise kids like that? Kids that are protected to that degree turn out to be serial killers and postmen. Can you imagine her at the ocean? She probably pitched a stake and tied the kids to it while she made sure the Coast Guard (in their BITCHIN' cool helicopters) cleared all the boats out within five miles. Christ's Sake, lady, take some Prozac and get an enema.
Walker: New Jersey Cripple
This woman spent like five minutes just dragging this thing and then never even used it. Not that a walker would do a damn bit of good on sand at all though. She was fat too, and eating doughnuts a good amount of the time. Uh, hello? Maybe the fact that you are 600 pounds over-weight is the reason you walk around hunched like Quasimodo. Her tits nearly dragged in the sands and swayed every time she waddled around. I swear, if her fat-tits were any bigger, you’d of though a giant ATV had driven around everywhere. You could have built WWI style trenches with the ruts they dug!
I’ll give her a reprieve, though, since her one oldest daughter had a smokin’ body which I thoroughly titty-fucked with my homies later that night.
Just joking... I don’t have any homies...
Pregnant Diaper Man
Upon seeing this, my dad told me: “Jeff, if you ever see me walking down a beach like that, please shoot me and push me off into the ocean.” Hell, I wouldn’t have done that anyway. I wonder what the lady thought of the guy she was with. Maybe she thought he was pregnant, in which case the Polish bitch should be shot for stupidity.
Love Lady Health Nuts
Lets do the math, here. Car weighs at near or more than a ton on the average (Geo’s bring it down because they are made of plywood like gliders). Bike weighs 10-20 pounds, if THAT. When you pull out in front of me and think you’re not going to get killed, you forget the difference of one-thousand and ninety pounds of metal death my car has on you. Pack it with that fat, cripple on the beach and it becomes a harbinger of bike-killing death. Don’t expect me to hit my brakes either. What did you think the bike silhouettes on the side of my car mean? Kills, baby.
All in all, though, my trip was great. I came out of it with a new-found humor about Islamic Fundamentalists. They seem to think that you’ll get 72 virgins to fuck for eternity if you die for Allah in battle. They should come down to LBI. I got more than that in four nights of cruising in front of the Fantasy Land Amusement park from 7pm-10pm. You gotta respect the Sasturn.
And why would you want 72 virgins for ETERNITY? You’d only like fuck one ever billion years or so. Those assholes are idiots.
Author: =][= Morok
Email: evilcanofjoy@kidsloveguns.com
This person was one of the first idiots encountered when we arrived at LBI. She was one of the neighbors renting a place across the street. We soon noticed her being an over-protective whore when she sat outside to watch her kids riding bikes up and down the short, dead-end street. Every once in a while, she'd call out "CAR! PULL OVER!" to however many of her Nazi spawn were riding at the time. This wouldn't have been weird, except when her oldest (my dad and I guessed his age at about 13-15) was also bound by these dumbass rules. Once the neighbors on our left walked their dogs on bikes with no helmets past the bike Nazi and you could see the venom in her eyes when those two kids biked past.
On maybe Tuesday or Wednesday, my rents and I were making fun of fat, old people when, to our surprise, this hunched over lady came dragging her walker in front of us. We all went silent and watched her waddle her way to the edge of the incline leading to the sea. Her kids were with her (one probably 18 and another that was either a big 8 year old or mentally retarded... I’m serious, not trying to make fun... for once) and they plopped down (yes, she did “PLOP”). This woman had a hell of a time dragging the thing. It almost looked like the thing was using HER as the crutch. Soon her husband and a couple more kids came down.
Just when we thought the Walker-Dragger was bad enough of an eyesore, walking along the beach came a guy even worse. I mean, at least the cripple had massive tits that some fat-obsessed pervert would get a hard on for. This guy had a normally skinny chest and a gut that truly came a foot out from his front. To make matters worse, he had a balding head, pony-tail and handle-bar mustache right out from the hippy70’s. And, to add the cherry to the bear-belly sundae, his trunks looked like they were for a tree-year old... except no three year old looks like he did a load in his shorts.
For some reason, people think that when they rent or drive down to their expensive ass houses in the town of Love Lady, LBI, they think that it’s a great time to get in shape. So they rent their bikes and start their morning jogs after eating a pound of doughnuts. They bikers are the worst, because they think that because they are on bikes you won’t hit them. Bullshit. People on bikes are always running out in front of you when you drive. Running I’m OK with, since I’ve crafted the art of running into traffic without getting hit into somewhat of an art form. The biking thing is just bullshit... sort of like France.
