HaHaHa My Own Page of JOKES
A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said “Well, I’ve always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?”
“Done,” said the genie and disappeared.
Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his “size.” Within several
holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing
his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he’d met the genie.
“Problem?” inquired the genie.
“Yes,” the man responded, “Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?”
“And what might that be?” asked the genie.
“Could you make my legs longer?”
Top Eleven Things Only Women Understand
11. Cat’s facial expressions
10. What the hell is so important about chocolate
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the Number One thing only women understand:
1. Other Women.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a “Curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says “maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Two Texans were discussing Bush’s health care reform ideas. One man turned and said “Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” So, not knowing what he meant the other man asked what a “post turtle” was. And the first guy says, “When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle. You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down.”
There is a theory which states that if anyone ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
A Mets fan, a Braves fan, a Yankees fan, and a Red Sox fan are climbing a mountain. On the way to the top, each is arguing about how loyal they are to their team and what they would do for that team. As the climb gets higher, the wagers increase. Upon reaching the top, the Mets fan shouts, “This is for the Mets!!!” and hurls himself off the top of the mountain. Next the Braves fan yells, “I love Atlanta....This is for you Braves!!” and he , too, jumps off the top.Suddenly, the Red Sox fan screams, “This is for EVERYONE!!” and pushes the Yankee fan off.
The police recently busted a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928, and 1983.......................
Wisdom For An Age of Wise Guys
1. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
3. Life’s briefest moment is the time between reading the sign on the freeway and realizing you just missed your exit.
4. No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
5. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
6. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory.
7. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
8. The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a sign that says “No Exit.”
9. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you’ve never tried before.
10. Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
11. Change is inevitable...Except from vending machines.
12. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
13. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
14. Everybody repeat after me....We are all individuals.
15. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
16. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
17. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
18. Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.
19. Half the people you know are below average.
20. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not the sport for you.
21. Never criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. Then it’s pretty safe, since you’re a mile away AND you have his shoes.
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”
The old man replied, “There are just two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming....and the smell of burning rubber!”
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over as asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
The second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year!”
A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot’s cage, makes coffee, and smokes a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend saying he’s coming over.>She snubs out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, unplugs the coffee pot, puts the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and gets back into bed.
From under cover, the parrot mutters, “Well that was a short fuckin’ day.
A man and woman were having marriage problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their breakup. The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “in the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife interrupted, “Seven weeks.”
“I want a divorce from my husband because he has a lousy memory!”
“Why would you want to divorce him for that?”
“Everytime he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he’s married!”
Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes suppositories twice a day. When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen blocking his view.
“Oh, stop it,” the young man scolds his organ, “It’s only me.”
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help. “The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.”, said the nun. “Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for thier habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.”, said the company spokeswoman.
Mother Superior then observed, “I think the term they actually use is ‘fucking shovel’ “.
Quotes
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I”ll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Three car salesmen were driving cross country when their car broke down far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a farmhouse. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby. He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn’t be open until the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night, on one condition...
“Don’t draw attention to my son, he’s very sensitive because he was born without any ears.”After agreeing to his wishes the salesmen spent the night with the farmer. The next morning at the breakfast table the son noticed the salesmen were staring at him. “What are you looking at?”, he demanded.
The first salesman replied, “I was looking at your beautiful smile, it’s important to take care of your teeth so you don’t have to wear dentures.”
The second salesman said, “I was looking at your thick curly hair, it’s important to take care of your hair so you don’t go bald and have to wear a wig”.
The third said, “I was looking at your clear blue eyes, it’s important to take care of your eyes,....
Lord knows you can’t wear glasses.”
There are two theories of arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for Women gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier, “ he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ “
The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took poace, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. One prospective juror, Douglas was called for his question session.
He was asked, “Property holder?”
Douglas replied, “Yes, I am, Your Honor.”
Then he was asked, “Married or single?”
Douglas responded, “Married for twenty years, Your Honor.”
The the judge asked, “Formed or expressed an opinion?”
Douglas stated with certainty, “Not in twenty years, Your Honor,”
There was a question in the scientific community regarding the need for the head of a man’s penis. Three countries assigned groups of scientists to determine just why a man’s penis had a head.
The French research group spent 1.4 million dollars to discover that the head of the penis was to provide pleasure for a woman during the act of sexual intercourse.
The American research group spent 2.8 million dollars to discover that the head of the man’s penis was to provide pleasure for a man during the act of secual intercourse.
The Italian research group spent $1.47 to discover that the head of the man’s penis was to keep your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead during masturbation.
Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
“I finished the Oreos.”
“Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
“Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess Pamela Lee had two kids!!”
“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
“Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
“Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
“Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Williard Scott!”
“Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
“Get your own ice cream.”
“Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
“Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
“Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
And the one Fatal Thing to NEVER, EVER, Say to Your Pregnant Wife......
“You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”
“What do you love most about me,” a husband asked his wife, “my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”
“What I love most about you,” responded the man’s wife, “is your enormous sense of humor.”
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. “I’m afraid I have some bad news. Your’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.
“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.
“10...” says the doctor.
“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.
“9...8...7...”
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
“My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.” “Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t see to pour the coffee.”
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck.” My blood pressure pills make me dizzy.” “I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.”
“Well, it’s not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!”
An elderly couple were driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple were pulled over by the highway patrol. “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!”the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back. “He wants to see your license!” The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” replied the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
Things you’ll never hear a man say:
1. Here honey, you use the remote.
2. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
3. While I’m up, can I get you anything? (Well, maybe once :-)
4. Aww, forget Monday Night football, let’s watch Ally McBeal.,br>5. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
6. We never talk anymore.
Things you’ll never hear a woman say:
1. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
3. Ohh, this diamond is way too big! Don’t you have something smaller?
4. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
5. I don’t care if it’s on sale, $300 is way too much for a designer dress.
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur aproached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You wanna wank?” she asked.
“You bet,” came the excited reply.
“O.K.,” she said. “I come back in ten minutes.”
There are two guys walking down the streets with their dogs. One has a German Shepard and the other has a Chihuahua. They come to a bar and decide to go in for a beer, then realize they can’t because they have their dogs. The guy with the Chihuahua says “let’s pretend we’re blind and these are our seeing eye dogs!” So, they proceed into the bar, the man with the German Shepard goes first. The bartender looks at him and says “you can’t have any dogs in here”. The guy says, “this is my seeing eye dog”, so the bartender shrugs and gives him a beer. The guy with the Chihuahua walks in and the bartender again says “you can’t have any dogs in here”. The guy says this is my seeing eye dog. The bartender laughs and says, Chihuahua??!!” And the man says
“What?? They gave me a Chihuahua??!!”
An Army Grunt stands in the rain with a 35lb pack on his back, 15lb weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, “This is shit!”
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45lb pack on his back weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile. “This is good shit!”
A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, “This really is great shit.”
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, “I love this shit.”
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says,
“My e-mail’s out? What kind of shit is this?”
The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted. “Your gout is getting worse.” said the doctor. “I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex for awhile.”
“WHAT!” said the man. “Just so’s I can walk a little better?”
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona, por favor.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me The King of Beers, a Budweiser, please.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guiness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and asks “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
Bumper Stickers
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.I brake for no apparent reasonI didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
Keep honking...I’m reloading.
Caution: I drive like you do.
A guy walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! Bartender: “Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can’t make a face while doing it. Third: there’s a woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?” He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
A young Blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Marlene just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?”Two Irishmen came to London for the January sales to look for bargains. Paddy found a shop window stating suits $6.00 & jackets $3.50. He said to Mich, “Let us buy a load and flog them back in Ireland and make a killing. But don’t let them know we are Irish and they won’t suspect.”
They put on perfect English accents and asked for 100 suits & 50 jackets.“Because this is a dry cleaners.”
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovred agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovred sex, invented headache.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess since then.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, :What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the Poeple are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
Bob staggered into the house at two o’clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife. His wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Bob had been until two o’clock in the morning.
Bob looked at his wife’s lover and demanded, “Who in the hell is this guy, and what is he doing in bed with you?”
The wife responded, “Don’t go changing the subject! It’s late, where the hell have you been?”
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.“It is done,” says the genie, turning to the other guy. “And your wish?”
The guy from Ontario smiles and says, “Fill it with water.”
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender asys “if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night.”The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says “if you can make that horse over there cry I will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over and does soemthing and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks the man what he said to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says “to make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does, and to make him cry I showed him.”
Sometimes ... when you cry ...no one sees your tears ...
Sometimes ... when you are worried ... no one sees your pain ...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile...
... but fart just one time....
There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half...”
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earler, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?” The boy replied, “Canada, Sir.”
“Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?” asked the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just up-tight homely women and hockey players up there.”
“Really,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Canada!”
The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” he said, “I do. My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answers the boy.
“What comes after six?” “Seven.”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?”
“A jack.”
That’s all for now folks.
