Linger
(Part III)
By
Minerva
Copyright © Minerva 2000
For Disclaimers see Part I
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter X: Family Problems
The past week or so has gone by in a blur, a painful,
mind-numbing blur. I splash water on my face from the bathroom
sink and scream, "Someones in here!" as the
obviously broken door threatens to swing open with a creak. I
hear an apologetic mumble and all is quiet again. . .except for
the sound of running water, announcement of pages for doctors,
and ringing phones.
Today, is by far the worst that I've had to suffer through
since I ran away from Abbie. Yeah, I can say it. I ran away like
the idiotic coward that I am. I shake my head, knowing that now
is not the time to think about her, long for her, want her. No,
now is not the time. My family is in trouble. Gerts cough
got progressively worse over the last few of days. It's so
bad that she won't eat now. Because she was too weak to go
anywhere, the three of us, Stevie, Pauly, and myself haven't
really gone anywhere either. The furthest I've been is to the
Mission to get food, but as Gertie's condition worsened, I sent
Pauly out for it.
They're sitting in the waiting room while I hide in here. Gert
begged me not to bring her here because of the last time. Last
time, the security guard evicted her from the ER waiting room
despite her attempts to tell him that she was a patient. She had
cried in pain and had a limp for days on the sprained ankle, but
this time it's serious. We all had to brave the stares from
"normal" people, and the sneers from the clerk. It was
a small price to pay.
The three of us watched as Gert's body shook with fever, and as
she continued to cough so hard that breathing became a thing of
the past. In a word, I'm terrified. I've never seen her like
this. Never. I close my eyes, and I see her, Abbie, touching me
and leaning in to kissing my forehead. She had made all the pain
of the police attack go away in that instant with a smile, a
touch, a kiss. I wish I had that right now, one of her grins or
that smile meant only for me just to make it better, even only
for a little while. Can I have that? Am I allowed? Did I just
make the biggest mistake of my life by running?
These are questions I've asked myself over and over again. I also
hear her words scalding me, lifting me, and opening me because I
know she is right. I am ashamed. I used to think that I wasn't
that I had come to terms with the circumstances of my life, but
when she whispered those words, I knew I had been lying to
myself. I've been going through the last few years never letting
myself be happy, never letting anybody extremely close. I've only
been giving my family what they needed of meprotection and
someone to listen. It is only a little part of me. Until her.
Being happy scares me. I was before now look where I am. For a
brief moment, I saw the possibility of happiness with her, and it
scared me shitless. If I allow this, how much further will I
fall? I'm already destitute. What's next? Death? Is she worth it?
Taking this chance? I know the answer, but it's just hard to
face. All I can admit to right now is that I want her here.
I push down on the handle of the paper machine and brown paper
towel comes out, so I dry my hands. I need to get back out there
because they need me. Why? I don't know. Despite what Stevie
said, I haven't been giving them much of anything. That's what I
think anyway. Yeah, I'm ashamed. I can't buy Abbie anything,
can't take her anywhere, and I can't give her the best like she
deserves. Even more, I should be taking care of Gert, Stevie, and
Paulie by providing them with proper shelter and buying the right
food and medicines. Damn right I'm ashamed. I can do nothing but
wait with them as I have done most of the night.
I throw the crumpled paper toward the trash can, but I miss. It
doesn't matter. There's a lot more on the floor along with some
toilet paper. I wouldn't want to leave a glaring clean spot.
I make my way out but see Stevie gone. Both Gert and Pauly are
slumped in the pastel green chairs, sleeping. The TV mumbles in
Spanish, and about five or six other people glared at as if they
understood, after several hours of waiting. Assuming it's safe, I
turn to get a drink of tepid water from the nearby fountain, but
I jump at the sound of Pauly's yelp.
"Hey there! Whatcha poking me for?!"
I glance to see a tall, lean faced security guard at the end of
the black stick, and immediately think, 'Oh God, this can't be
happening. Not now.'
He sneers and yells, "This isn't a hotel, so get your filthy
ass up!"
The guard moves toward Gert, and I make a bee line for them,
hoping I can reason with someone who doesn't want to listen. I
know we make a sight with our tattered, dirty clothes and
aromatic smells, making us stick out like a sore thumb, and this
man picked us out as vagrants right away.
Slim taps Gert on the shoulder and shakes her when she doesn't
respond. I see her start then almost right away the coughing
starts. I feel anger rise in me sudden and deadly and see
differing shades of red before my eyes similar to the pinking sky
outside. Why can't they leave us alone? I know this is an
oxymoron since all we want is to be seen, but I truly believe
that what they get is partial sight, seeing only what the media
has molded us into, rapid, roaming, begging animals. We're
people. We belong.
My hands ball into fists, and I feel my blood boil with anger
like it belongs there. Still, through it all, I approach slowly,
cautiously because I know that pummeling him to death will only
make matters worse. Gert is sick, so I put my distaste and
distrust aside for her sake. "Sir?" He looks at me with
eyes full of contempt. "We're here to see the doctor. Been.
. ."
"Yeah, right. Heard that one before."
I take a deep breath. "Look, why don't you just ask the
clerk?" Slim steps closer to me. I can see the lines around
his eyes and mouth and smell the odor of his breath.
"'Cause I know. Now, get out of here before I call for back
up."
Stinky holds up his radio with malicious intent. I'm at a
crossroads. I don't take shit, usually, not from anybody. That
part of me wants to beat the blue off his shirt, but Gert needs
me to be strong, responsible. So, I do the adult thing.
"Yes, sir." I motion for Pauly to help with Gert, but
out the corner of my eye, I see Stevie shuffling from the men's
room.
"We gone see the doc now?"
"No, Stevie. We're gonna leave."
His craggy face is indignant. "Hold it there a minute, Sly.
Gertie's sick, and she be needin'. . .
"Now, Stevie!" I don't mean to yell, but we need to get
away so that I can think. There has to be a way.
"Please?" I ask quietly. I don't know what my facial
expression is, but apparently it's enough for him. He nods and
follows behind us.
Once outside, Gert is bent over with coughs that sound deep and
wet. She calls out my name in between them. "Sly?" Her
voice is wispy and hoarse.
I bend down to her level and rub her back. "Right here,
Gertie."
"I need a doc. . ."
The coughing fits start again, and sheer terror creeps up my
spine. I know that she's really sick. Before, she didn't want to
go at all. I glance up at Pauly and Stevie with wide eyes. Their
expressions must mirror my ownpale and shocked. Pauly is
the first to speak.
"What we gonna do, Sly?"
I look up into his sunburned face crowned by matted, dirty
blonde-gray hair and meet blue eyes. So much responsibility. I
can feel it weighing on my shoulders, pushing me down, and
there's nothing I can do. "Let's get to the Boardwalk and
sit down. I need to think." I peer at both men, hoping my
next words will be convincing. "I'll think of something.
It'll be all right."
Once we get to Pacific Avenue, we have to practically carry Gert
onto the Boardwalk. We lay her down on one bench, and Pauly and
Stevie stand by me, waiting for me to find all the answers. I sit
down and turn away from them, keeping them from seeing the
indecision on my face.
The rising sun turns the pale blue sky into fire right before my
eyes. It's amazing that God allows us to see such beauty when
ugliness goes on all around us. The irony of it astounds me. I
ignore the sound of the guys murmured voices behind me in an
effort to concentrate, but I almost laugh out loud at the sudden
image that permeates my mind, Abbie.
It's instantaneous. My body speaks her name, and I fill with a
gamut of emotions. Closing my eyes, I finally admit that she's
worth it. Abbie's more than worth it.. Immediately, I recall the
feel of her touch, the timbre of her voice, and the smell of her.
All aspects of Abbie fill my senses. It is then that I know that
she is the key to everything: my sanity, my hope, my happiness,
and my survival. I looked in her eyes days ago and saw the truth.
She meant every word she said, "I'm ready to take on
everything I have to in order to be with you." In the
face of one of my greatest humiliations, she offered herself to
me. I am ashamed as I said before, but I am more so of my
previous actions.
God is giving me beauty in the face of the ugliness that is my
life, and in the biggest irony of all, I let pride and
humiliation make me turn it away. I continue to peer into the sun
as it rises higher and closer to its rightful place in the sky.
It's a new day and time for new perceptions, second chances, and
renewed hope. How do I get all of this from a sunrise? Because
that grain of hope that had been given to me somehow got bigger
when I wasn't looking. It's time to face my fears, defeat them,
and accept the beauty in my life. It's time for,
"Abbie." I whisper her name and close my eyes. She IS
the key. I turn to Pauly an Stevie with a slight smile on my
face. "I have an idea."
I give them both the once over, knowing that Pauly is younger and
faster. "Pauly, my man, I need you to get to Indiana Avenue
as fast as you can. It's only a couple of blocks away." I
tell him about the colorful building and what bell to ring, but
the confusion in his face is evident. "What?"
"Don't understand, Sly. You want me to go visiting?"
I shake my head, "No, Pauly. You're gonna get help. There's
a woman I know that lives there, and I think she'll help if she
can." I glance at the sun again. Please let her be home. Not
glancing back, I add, "Tell her what's happened and that I
need her. Her name's Abbie." I can feel Stevie's eyes bore
into my back.
"Don'tcha wan me to go too, Sly?"
"Nah, I need someone to help me with Gert. I would go
myself, but if something happens, I'm stronger and can get her
back to the hospital faster."
The Boardwalk is mostly bare this morning except for a few bike
riders. I could hear Pauly as he walks away.
"Sly?" Stevie's voice is hesitant, wary.
"You reckon that lady yours gonna help?"
After what I did to her the other day, I'd doubt it if it was
anybody else. This is Abbie. My Abbie, and despite the short time
we've known each other I know her and see the generosity and
gentleness underneath. "Yeah, Stevie. If she's home, she
will."
Chapter XI: Inside Abbie
Tossing and turning has been the norm for me lately. Last night
and this morning is not any different. It is a good thing that I
have today and tomorrow off because I don't think I could make it
through anyway. Lola asked me what was wrong, but what could I
say? I saw Sly beaten by the police and now, she won't talk to
me? Won't see me?
"I can't! I can hear her scream it just as clear as
day, and it still tears me up. Sly is so sweet and confident one
minute, and the next, she has the vulnerability of a child. I saw
it in her eyes when we were at the Pier and as she sat on my bed.
I have replayed that morning back and forth in my head. I told
her I wanted to take it slow that I wasn't ready, but when I saw
her walking toward me with the rising sun at her back, something
clicked. All the pieces fit. We fit, and I wanted to grab hold of
that knowledge with both hands. So, I did.
I wanted so much to go after her, but somehow I know that she
didn't want me to see, not yet how and where she lived. So,
patience has been my best friend as of late. She kept me from
exploding each time I missed Sly at the Mission. She kept me from
crying, and she kept me in hope. Sometimes, patience is a good
friend to have, but sometimes loneliness is a bigger foe.
Its an enemy I dont want anymore. Sly is my
protection against it.
I ache to see her. There's a cramping in my stomach, and I feel.
. .hollow inside. I don't know how else to describe it. How can I
feel so much? Maybe it's overflow from the feelings I've blocked
all these years. I almost smile because I know that I'm lying to
myself. It's her and her alone. In front of me is what I've
hungered for and what I saw in my parents---the bond and the
intensity. Could I know already that it's meant to be between us?
I don't know.
All I know right now is that there is so much to get past, so
very much. On the one hand, I want to reach out to her, but on
the other, I want to smack her in the head just to make her see
her own worth. Despite what she has been through, Sly has
remained a whole woman, and she has used that knowledge to
benefit the people around her, myself included. She thinks that
she has nothing to offer. I can almost scoff at that, because
when she turns the intensity of pale blue eyes on me I see a
future, survival, hope, and a great capacity for love
I push the thread bare blankets off my shoulders and sit up to
open the nearby window wider, hoping the cool breeze off the
ocean is enough to battle the ever growing early morning heat. I
turn over flat on my back and stare up at the lumpy ceiling.
Maybe I should be asking myself what I can give her. Searching
the room with my eyes, I then look down at my own reclining form.
Nothing, but myself. Is that enough for her? Because I've always
considered it the greatest gift of all. It's
"everything."
This "everything" is what I have feared most all this
time. Now, I am ready to hand it over. It's what I have been
holding out for, I think, a real chance to feel, to give, and to
be. I watched my mother do it everyday, and she never lost
herself. Although, I'm not afraid of losing myself in her. I'm
afraid of losing myself in the pain if all is lost. Rolling over
on my side, I find myself in a fetal position. Would the pain be
greater if I decided not to travel the bumpy road with Sly? The
ache inside resonates and starts to grow. Yeah, I think it would
because I know what it is to see color, to have gentleness, to be
protected, and to be cherished again. I can't go back. I can't.
Somehow, I have to find a way to push through Sly's pride and
self-pity to show her the woman underneath.
With this admission, my resolve to follow this to where it leads
is strengthened. My body that was wound so tightly before relaxes
muscle by muscle, and finally, I can feel sleep claim me.
I nearly jump out of the bed in fright at the sound of a loud
buzzer. My frantic eyes look around the room for its source, and
I let out a little yelp at the second sounding of the cacophonous
noise. Then it hits me, the doorbell. I have never heard it
before inside this room anyway. Shock galvanizes me into action.
Who on earth would be coming to see me this early in the morning?
Who would be coming to see me at all? One word spills from my
lips, "Sly."
My heart flutters against my chest as I search for shorts or
pants to pull over my panties. I stop, wishing I had a mirror to
fix my hair. Settling, I push quick hands through it and am
suddenly grateful for the shortness of it. Glancing down at my
t-shirt, in an effort to make sure it is presentable, the
infernal bell rings again, so I pull on cheap sandals, grab my
keys and make my way out the door to meet whatever lay beyond.
I look through the downstairs door at a scruffy blonde man that
seems vaguely familiar. Ive seen him before with Sly. I
snatch the door open and the first words out of my mouth are,
"Is she okay?" He peers back at me, confused and a
little winded. "Sly, is she hurt? Youre a friend of
hers right?"
"Yeah, maam, I am. You must be Abbie. She sent me to
get you cause we got some trouble." He steps back a
little and looks down at his shuffling feet. I can tell hes
distressed just by the blank look on his face.
"Im sorry. Come on in."
I lead him to take a seat on the wide expanse of carpeted steps. Please
let her be okay. I turn to him and watch covertly as he
wrings his hands and scans everything with watchful eyes. I have
the feeling that Id better start this. The man looks as
though hes about to come out of his skin. "Uh, yeah
Im Abbie, and you are?"
He jumps as if startled, "Oh sorry. Im Pauly."
Pauly sticks out a grime covered hand for me to shake. Without
hesitation, I do so, and he looks at me as if surprised that I
did so. The act prompts me to smile. "You wanna tell me
whats wrong?"
Pauly almost snatches his hand back and looks away.
"Its Gertie. Shes real sick, and they wont
let us stay at the hospital."
I could feel a frown tugging at my lips. That doesnt make
any sense to me. Why wouldnt they take in an obviously sick
person? Then as if my mind is linked to Slys I hear her
saying, "Security guards are paid to pick out and kick
out people like me, sometimes forcefully." Inside, I
rage and feel the blood rush to my face.
Who gives us the right to say some people are better? Who gives
us the right to be cruel? Who gives us the right to remain
apathetic? I dont want to believe that we do it to
ourselves, but I know its the sick, sad truth. I suddenly
understand why some people separate themselves from society and
form their own culture. Anything has got to be better than this.
I glance back at Pauly to see him staring at me with a mixture of
understanding and apprehension. "And you need me to see if I
can get her in?"
Pauly nodded, "Yeah, I think thats her plan. Not sure
though, she just wanted me to bring you to her."
Clenching my jaw to keep down negative emotions, I stand.
"Let me go put on decent clothes, and Ill be right
down. You stay here, and if anybody bothers you just tell them
your with me. If that doesnt work, get up to 3B as fast as
you can, and Ill take care of the rest."
He nodded, but the look of surprise returned. That I could
understand since most people probably treats him like crap. I
feel a protectiveness toward the craggy faced man. He looks as
though once he used to be a tall, strong, burly man, but time,
lack of food, and/or sickness has eaten that away leaving an
overly lean body and sunken eyes. I see right away that hes
a lost soul, which is something I can certainly relate to. As I
make my way back upstairs, I begin to wonder if Sly collects them
then saves them. She certainly did that for me.
For an older man, Pauly moves rather quickly. We make it to
Michigan Avenue on the Boardwalk in no time. As we walk up the
ramp, I see her and my breath catches. It seems like ages, and I
stop to drink it all in. Sable hair blows in the slight wind as
though each strand was little pieces of night that the sun
couldnt get through. I see her sitting there with her back
to me, but I can see so much.
Her body is slumped onto the bench denoting tiredness or lack of
hope. I pray that it isnt the latter. I dont know if
she senses me or what, but I would like to think that she does
because she turns around. Her hair is in wild disarray, and her
clothes look rumpled. None of that matters. Not now. Not ever.
The breath rattles back into my chest then leaves again in a
gigantic whoosh as silver blue bore through me like iced fire.
Still, somehow the ice warms me from the inside out, and I move
toward the warmth.
As I get closer, I see so much in the pale blue including
tiredness, thankfulness, and misery. She is a tortured soul
herself, and I mean to save her in return. The people milling
about the Boardwalk disappear including her friends as I find
myself standing in front of her. God, Ive missed her. I
stand in between slightly parted legs and gaze down at her. I
hope she can read whats there in my face. I am an open
book. I need her, want her, and care for her, and I dont
hide that fact as I continue to hold her gaze, and I see her eyes
darken. I know she has read my brand of literature and likes it.
Slowly, I bend down until I am almost on my knees, and she leans
forward while opening her legs wider. The heat of her body
threatens to burn me, consume me. I want it to. Before I can even
think about stopping myself, I raise a hand toward her face.
Fingertips brush against the smudges under her eyes. "So
tired, so much pain," I whisper. Her eyes close, and when
they open again they are dark with unfathomable emotion.
"Talk to me."
A pink tongue slid out, moistening her full lips. "Im
sorry. So, sorry." Her voice is small, scratchy. Two simple
words make my heart drop. Her eyes start to water, and my heart
jumps from my stomach to my throat as she brings my hand up to be
caressed by warm lips.
I swallow before I speak, "Sly, I"
"Say it again," she says in that husky timbre of hers.
My body responds in a shiver, "Um, say what?"
She turns her head to kiss my palm again before answering,
"My name. Say it again. Ive missed it. I need it and
you."
Heat bursts inside me at the admission. What does this woman do
to me? With a few words and a look, she can rock me to the core.
I give in to her request. "Sly, I missed you." My own
voice has acquired a breathless quality in this exchange.
Slys eyes close again as if savoring my words. When she
opens them, "Please forgive me. I was scared, and I still
am."
I nod at her and give her a ghost of a smile, "I know. I am
too, but were stronger together."
She peers back at me in astonishment, "Is it that easy with
you?"
Shaking my head, I reply, "No, not usually. I think it
depends on whos doing the asking." I grin at the
sudden feel of callused fingers brushing my cheek.
"Do you know how amazing you are?"
I feel the blush deep in my spine, and it works its way up my
neck to my face. She traces the heat, making the crimson deeper
with her touch, but I cant tear my eyes away. "No,
Im not. Its you that brings out this side of me.
Didnt even know it was there."
Sly chuckles, and it sounds rusty as if she hasnt done it
in days. "Well, lucky for me then, Little Bit, very lucky
for me." Her head cocks to the side, and she gently pushes a
stray hair behind my ear. "You know it feels like forever
since Ive seen you. I dont want to let that happen
again."
I want to close my eyes and revel in her touch. It would be so
easy. "Me either. Lets just try to talk to each other
from now on not matter what."
Slys nod is almost imperceptible, but its the sparkle
in her eyes that gives me my response even before she speaks it.
"Ill try, but Im not used to that. Youre
gonna have to help me. Give me a kick in the pants every once in
a while."
This time my smile is full, and Sly returns it with a brilliant
one of her own. "I think I can do that."
Just like that things have shifted between us again. I know for
the better. Ive led a lonely existence, but nothing has
been lonelier than these many days without Sly. In the span of
minutes, she is back in my life. We are wrenched back into the
world around us by the horrendous sound of wet hacking. I can
hear the mews come from Gert as she tries to sit up. Fear colors
pale blue to silver as she moves her protective arms to someone
else. Sly glances at me in apology, but with an indulgent look, I
let her know that well talk later.
From somewhere beside me, I see two other sets of hands beside me
trying to calm the older woman. In the excitement of seeing Sly
again, I have almost forgotten why I was here, to help. I finally
hear the gulls, the other people around, and feel the sun on my
face after being in the world Sly and I created. It only takes
seconds to recover, and I add my hands in the fray. Someone needs
to take over here.
If they got kicked out before, the ER personnel will know Sly.
They asked for my help, and Im going to give them as much
as I can. Looking at the woman, it is obvious that shes
sick. Her face is gaunt, almost gray, her skin is scorching, and
she seems to be shivering. I suddenly want to take down the son
of a bitch who had the audacity to do this to them, but calmer
heads prevail. "How long ago did you guys leave the
ER?" I try to keep the tight anger out of my voice. With
relieved eyes, Sly looks over at me, while she pats Gert on the
back. I can see the responsibility has been laying heavily on
her. Its time for me to take some of it.
"About thirty minutes, maybe more." More pain shined in
her eyes as if she is reliving the ER ordeal.
I sit down on the bench then scoot closer to her, hopefully
giving contact that will help. "When you registered were
there other people ahead of you?"
She nods, "Yeah, about six or so. They were all in the
waiting room."
I sigh in relief. "Good, we have a chance to go back without
taking the time to re-register. Ill talk to the clerk, and
do what I can with the security guards." God, I didnt
know I had this in me, to take over and put someone elses
problems on my shoulders. I think its just another thing I
learned from Sly. "We need to get back as soon as possible.
Can Gert walk?" Deciding it was disrespectful to talk about
the old woman like she wasnt there, I leaned forward and
whispered her name, "Ms. Gertie? Are you okay to walk?"
She coughs a couple more times before speaking, "I-I think
so. You gonna help me see the doc?" Her voice is dry and
wispy.
I smile at her winningly, "Yep, I am."
She gives me a warbly smile back. "Bless you. Gonna tell my
stock broker about you. Have him put some money away."
I look at her blankly then I turn to Sly at the sound of her
chuckle. She smiles and winks at me, letting me know to play
along. "Um, can you get him to hook me up with a few shares
of Disney?"
I hear cackles come from above me. I glance up to see Stevie and
Pauly grinning down at me. Apparently, Ive passed some kind
of test. Finally, Gert speaks again, "Youre a smart
one. Can we go see the doc now? I think I can walk okay. Plus, I
got Sly to lean on, and shes a big girl."
Its my turn at laughter. "Yes, she is." I tap Sly
on the back. "Lets get going."
As we make our way from Pacific onto Atlantic avenue, the warm
vibes that I get from Slys friends let me know that they
have let me into their circle. Its nice to be a part of a
family again, and I will do what I can to keep it whole.
Chapter XII: Confrontations and Healing
They like her, but I knew they would. She gives more in her smile
and a touch than most people are able to give to a charity. She
forgave me. Did I know she would? I was hoping. Hope is a strange
word and a fickle emotion. A little bit goes a long way and a lot
of it can move mountains they say. I cant wait to see what
I can do with Abbie back in my life. She gives me hope. It sounds
like Im dependent on her. I am in a way, but Im okay
with that because Ive never depended on anybody for
anything. Its a heady feeling knowing that someone will be
there for you no matter how you fuck up. I am a living witness to
that. I have to agree with my earlier statement. Im lucky,
damned lucky, and I hope my luck never runs out. Hope. I might as
well add it to my permanent vocabulary. I think its going
to stay.
It felt so good to touch her, to feel her breathe on me, to look
in her eyes, and to see my smile the one thats only for me.
I know that we have a lot to talk about. Im looking forward
to that actually, but I want to make sure Gertie is taken care of
first. I am privileged to be able to do that, rich even. As far
as Im concerned, we all are Pauly, Stevie, Gert and me.
Abbie held my hand all the way there as I helped Gert along, and
she got more than one chuckle from Stevie and Pauly along the
way. Hearing their laughter and feeling her touch, I could almost
forget my troubles, my fears, but Gerts hacking cough
served as a reminder.
Were back at the hospital now, sitting in the hard blue
seats in the triage area. Stevie and Pauly are tending to Gert
for the time being. I stare at Abbies back, waiting and
hoping. She waits patiently for the clerk to get off the phone,
and I see her eyes cut left and right, probably looking for
security. I continue to watch as she stands there with small
hands clenching and unclenching in what I can only guess is
anger. What happened to the little scared girl I met a few weeks
ago? Did I help do this? Did I help her to realize this
courageous and giving woman that stands before me now?
I suddenly feel humble that I can help bring about such changes
in someone I care about. Still, its imperative that I admit
that she has done the same for me. The old Sly wouldnt have
given over responsibility, and if she had to, I know she would
have resented it big time. All I feel right now is relief that
Abbie is here for me, for us and fear for Gert.
I lean forward suddenly when I see the clerk hang up the phone
and whisper loud enough for my ears only, "Come on, Little
Bit. You can do this. Im with you." I shush the guys
asking them to listen. The sound of her voice, even in anger, and
there is anger there makes me smile.
"Excuse me? I was wondering what your real policies were?
Because I could have sworn that I read a plaque on the wall that
said you take in all patients even the indigent ones," she
says.
I would love to see the look on that womans face. To have
this little spitfire barking at her must be an experience. I
smirk remembering my own expression and wonder if its the
same.
The clerk stutters over her words, "Uh-uhm, yes maam
thats our policy."
I watch in silent mirth as Abbie puts a hand on her hip,
"Uh-huh then why did one of your security guards kick my
friends out?" She turned back to look at us and gave a
sweeping hand motion. The clerk started to talk again, still
bumbling, but Abbie interrupts her. "Not finished. They even
told him they were here to see a doctor. Now, I know they speak
English, so are you people just illiterate or stupid?"
I can almost see the smirk on her face and the slight raising of
her eyebrows.
"Maam we get so many. Its hard to tell
whos being truthful."
Abbie waves her hand in irritation. "Ah, so I see. You just
assume that theyre all lying then." Her voice is thick
with disgust. "God, you people make me sick. Some of them
are saner than you are."
Oooh, thats my girl. That one had to hurt. I look over to
Stevie and Paul and they stare at me in surprise. All I can do is
shrug.
"Ill tell you what, since you are here to serve me as
the patron. Im going to do all the talking and you just
listen and reply when needed. Im tired of talking to
close-minded, ignorant people. Is Gertrude Evans still on the
list of patients?"
With a red face, the clerk nods.
"Good, were going to be in the waiting area whenever
they decide to call her name to go in the back, okay?"
She nods again.
I feel a brow go up at the stunned look that appears on the
clerks face, but I chuckle, knowing that Abbie must have given
her an all out smile, meant to disarm.
She turns to us, and the smile is now triumphant. Her face is
flushed, and her eyes are aglow. Shes the most beautiful
woman Ive ever seen. A lump forms in my throat, but I smile
through it. It warms me when she turns her smile to include the
rest of the gang. Somehow her grin gets wider, and I expect her
to start jumping on the balls of her feet. She claps her hands
together, and declares in a confident sure voice,
"Lets go. Theyre going to call her from the
waiting room."
I am the first one up, and I engulf her in a hug. She fits
against me perfectly, and I just keep myself from sighing as she
returns the embrace.
I whisper in her ear, wanting to get a laugh to diffuse the
seriousness of the situation, "You should only use those new
found powers for good, you know." I am right on the money as
she starts to giggle.
After a minute, Abbie pulls away from the hug, and walks toward
Gertie. My heart clenches as she kneels and takes Gerties
hand. "Youre going to see a doctor as soon as one is
free, okay?" Her tone is not condescending, which we have
become used to, but full of warmth and caring. She helps Gert to
her feet, and we all follow into the waiting room a few feet
away.
The TV is still on the Spanish station, but now, there are only
three people staring up at it with glazed eyes. Four of us sit
down, but Abbie goes up to the vending machine. I watch as she
puts quarter after quarter in and bends to get the snack out.
What is with me? I cant seem to take my eyes off her. It
almost as if I turn away shell disappear like the dream she
us. Until I am one hundred percent positive that she is real and
not a figment of my imagination, she will be in my sights.
Turning back toward us, her eyes zoom on mine. I know that
Ive been caught staring. Im not ashamed, and I
dont look away. Instead, I smile saucily at her and give
her a wink. The blush that follows is the darkest Ive seen
on her so far. Its the sexiest thing Ive ever seen,
and it goes so well with the shy grin Im getting now. Abbie
strolls toward us starting at the end with Stevie, handing out
peanuts, candy bars, and chips.
The three of them, Gert, Stevie, and Pauly, turn to look at me. I
glance up as Abbie deposits a bag of chips and a Snickers in my
hand. I mumble a thanks. Right away I know that its not
pity. Its just Abbie taking care of us. Without preamble, I
tear into the bag of chips, since I havent eaten since
lunch yesterday. I peer out the corner of my eye and see Pauly
and Stevie doing the same. Gert has dispensed her snacks to the
boys, and I feel my brow wrinkle in concern. I hope to God that
shell be okay.
After she sits down beside me, Abbie stares at us in confusion as
four sets of eyes peer back at her. She tears open a bag of
peanuts with her teeth, and murmurs, "What?" through
the piece of plastic in her mouth. The four of us hold up
packages of junk food.
"Oh, I figured you guys have been here forever. I know this
hospital, and I wanted to get something to tide us over until we
can get to the Mission." Her voice suddenly turns shy.
"Uhm, is that okay?"
I nod, and the rest of them mumble a yes around full mouths. We
eat in silence until I see Pauly leaning forward looking toward
us. He smiles big, showing missing teeth, and I raise a brow. He
waves me back to let me know that I wasn't the one the smile was
for, so I tap Abbie on the shoulder and point down to the other
end. She tilts forward.
"Your something else little lady. Who new all that fire
would come outta you? Remind me of my Sadie. Only she had red
hair."
I could see her smirk. "Did she get on you often?"
"Yep," he puffs out his chest proudly, "every time
I left the toilet seat up. Times I think I did things sometimes
just to see her all revved up. Mmm-mm."
Her laugh is light and airy. "She sounded like quite a
woman."
"That she was. You're gonna have to stay on this one right
here just like that."
I see him nod his head toward me, but I pretend that I don't as I
bite into the Snickers. I glare at them both from the corners of
my eyes.
"You think so. Can I handle her?" She responds with a
widening smile that crinkles her nose.
"Hell yeah, you've turned her into a big old puppy dog. I
tell ya. Just keep doing whatever you're doing. I liked the old
Sly just fine, but I like the tame one much better."
I bristle slightly at the sound of her full laugh. Are they
talking about me like I'm not here? No one's ever done that
before and said something good. This is almost. . .cute. Almost.
I feel my eyebrow raise way into my bangs at the sound of
Stevie's cackle.
"We used ta call it whooped back in my day. Can't believe I
had ta smack her ta git her to see sense. You a purdy gal, and
she lucky ta have ya," Stevie adds after the cackle.
Together they laugh, loudly. I decide not to ignore it anymore,
so I turn toward Stevie and the gang to give them a glare. They
only laugh harder, and I even see Gert trying to wipe a smile off
her face. The blush is coming because I can feel it slowly creep
up from my chest to my neck. Obviously, my glare has lost its
effect. I rotate my head the other way, hoping to hide the blush
from the stooges. I glance down to see green eyes peering back at
me with indulgent affection. I don't dare try the glare on her. I
already know that it won't work. She continues to gaze at me with
a secret smile. I find myself mesmerized by the expression, and
I'm sure it shows on my face.
I start to wonder if it is my imagination or does it seem like
her face is getting closer. Before I have time to blink, two
perfect lips caress the heated skin of my cheek. I blink maybe
once or twice before my eyes return to hers, and a bright, shy
smile greets me before her face disappears in my neck. Aww, damn.
I feel my heart clench, pleasurably, and I wave off the sound of
more laughter behind me. I run my hand through blonde silk, and
it wants to stay there. I have to will the appendage away because
I have something to say. "Abbie?" I feel her sigh into
my neck and want to savor it. "Abbie?"
She slowly looks up, reluctantly meeting my eyes. It's when I see
that we have matching blushes. "Um, why did"
She bites her lip and grins, "Looked like you needed
it."
I swallow. Can she read me like that already? I guess so.
"Do it anytime you want. Don't wait till then."
She buries her face in my neck again, and mumbles,
"Okay." I pull her into my arms despite the divider
between our chairs.
The moment is interrupted by the sound of Geritie's entire name
being called. I pull away and turn around to see a nurse in green
scrubs. "Gertie, it's time to see the doc." I tell her.
She gets up with the help of Stevie and Pauly. I watch as they
leave, wondering if I should have went with her. As if reading my
mind, Abbie interjects, "They won't let you go back there
until a doctor's seen her. Is she coherent enough to talk to
him?"
"Yeah, she knows what hurts, and if she has trouble I'm sure
she'll make them come get me." I ignore the voice in the
back of my head asking, "Like you tried to tell that guard
she was sick?"
I feel a hand squeezing mine, and it makes me smile despite the
situation. "I'm glad you're here." I tell her.
"Nowhere else I'd want to be."
I didn't really expect a reply, but as far as replies go that one
was a killer.
It was several long hours later that my name was called. It was
only through Abbie's patience and constant chatter that I got
through the time sane. I glance up to see who I assume is the
doctor. He is a rather young she. I raise my hand, and she waves
me over. The breath catches in my throat, and I begin to shake on
the inside in sheer trepidation. I look down at the little doctor
and wait.
Her eyes are honest and they meet mine without a fault. "We
need to admit her. She has pneumonia in both lungs, and at her
age and situation it can be dangerous. We're going to give her
medication to help her breath, and she'll have to do breathing
treatments to clear her lungs. It may be a week or it may be a
few. They're moving her upstairs now room 413, so give it an hour
or so and you can go see her, okay?"
I nod numbly.
Her expression turns ultra serious. "If it doesn't worsen
over the next day or so, she has a chance. So, were putting her
in a regular room right now. I'm going to be honest with you, and
tell you that if it does her chances dramatically decline. We'll
do all we can, and the rest is up to her." I nod again and
feel the tears come as I shake her hand.
As if in some dream, I feel myself pivoting and walking back
toward the waiting room. Before I have the chance to get all the
way in, they surround me. I think the look on my face is enough
to scare them all. Hands go around me, and I hear Pauly say,
"Jesus Christ!" And right behind it is Stevie's,
"Oh lawd." Abbie is the only one who is silent. I
glance down at her and see something that makes my heart slam
against my chest. Hope. Faith. Belief. She is telling me what to
do without saying a word, but is it enough? I have seen so many
people die from less. Is it enough? I look away and let the tears
come. "She has pneumonia in both lungs, so they're keeping
her here." I say in a choked whisper.
Pauly and Stevie speak in a jumbled simultaneous fashion, and I
just barely make it out. "Yeah, we can see her in about an
hour, room 413." I hear them mumble something else then
return to their seats, leaving me and Abbie alone and standing
there.
Soft hands touch one of mine, hesitantly, but I don't hesitate to
let her in. I grasp her hand in a strong grip, as the tears
continue. Then the sobs come. I hear her whisper my name through
my hysterics. "Sly, please look at me."
I do as she commands without pause. I don't want to hide from her
anymore. She brings her other hand up to my face, wiping away
tears with velvet fingertips. I say the only thing that's in my
mind right now, "She's gonna die."
Abbie squeezes my hand, hard. "No, you don't know that. You
have to have hope that"
"No, I've seen people die from strep throat, Abbie."
Fingertips were now caressing my cheek, " I can only imagine
what you've seen, Sly, but think about this. If she sees that you
have given up, what will stop her from doing the same?"
My eyes widen. Her obvious logic has struck me speechless.
"I-"
"If you want her to live, you have to show her that you
believe it. Show her that you have faith in her."
She is truly amazing. "It can't be that simple, Abbie."
She shakes her head. "I'm not saying that it is, but what
does it hurt to try?"
"I don't know, but if I build myself up, it'll hurt more if
she does die."
"If she does, you're not alone. You have so many people who
care about you, including me, but it helps so much if you keep
positive. C'mere."
She holds out her arms, and I go in willingly. I hunch my body
over to engulf her body. She could make me believe anything as
long as she's here. Faith and belief. Those are other concepts
that come with being with Abbie, but I'm willing to embrace them
just as I have her.
Chapter XIII: Back Inside Abbie
I have never seen grown men cry before, but I did today. I have
to admit they are very different from us. Where some women wail
and sob, Stevie and Pauly shed silent tears, but the impact was
no less. I have to almost drag Sly into the room because she
heard the sound of beeping machines before we were a few feet
away. I never thought she would show her fear to me openly, but I
see it plainly in her eyes. It's tearing me apart. She is so full
of conflicting emotions: proud, confident, tenderness,
gentleness, and every vulnerable feeling one can name. I have
seen them. Today, I think I saw them all. Earlier, with just a
few words, she gave herself to me, opened for me. I guess I get
to see everything now. It is a blessing and a curse because her
happiness is mine and so is her pain.
She held on to me so tightly before in the waiting room, as
though I were a life-line. It's was no different as we finally
walk into Gert's room. If emotion's weren't high, the bones in my
hand would be dust, but right now it is a pleasurable ache. The
beeping of IV's great us, and so does Gert's raspy breathing. I
glance up at Sly to see tears streaming, but she holds firm just
like I knew she would. I stare down at the woman that now looks
so fragile where as before in layers of clothing despite the
heat, she seemed bigger.
Matted white hair is spread out over the hospital issue pillow,
and the grayness of her pallor is obvious with the white sheets
surrounding her. I can understand Sly's concern, and my heart
breaks with the tears, and the sight before me. Sly senses them,
and I feel her arms wrap around me. Always the protector.
As if moved by some unseen force, we all end up holding hands
around the bed. My right hand is in Sly's while my left is in
Stevie's sand paper grip. I know this is my family now. I feel
it. In silent agreement, we close our eyes and bow our heads to
say a few words to our gods in private. I'm not really a
religious person, but I have seen what belief in prayer and faith
in God can do for others. Why not for me?
A little while later the young, female doctor comes in. She gives
us a slight smile and says things like "oxygen tent",
"breathing treatments," and "antibiotics."
Her words frighten us and soothes us at the same time when she
throws out phrases like "good possibility" and
"strong constitution." Finally, she leaves after giving
Gert the once over and telling us only a few more minutes.
We find ourselves quiet, subdued, in the elevator going down. As
we reach the exit, I stop them and say quietly, "Are you
guys hungry? We can run to the Mission and get food?"
Sly shakes her head and whispers, "No, just tired." She
looks it too. The rings around her eyes have gotten more
prominent, and it seems to be a chore for her to walk.
Both Stevie and Pauly speak up, "We can go get bagged food
and bring it back."
"I'm tired myself," Pauly grumbles afterward.
"Just want to crawl up in my blanket and sleep through
tomorrow." Stevie nods in agreement.
I glance up at Sly. I don't want her to leave, and I don't think
I could stand it if she does. I fear that she'll disappear again.
My eyes are pleading. I know they are. An idea comes to me, and I
hope she comes along with it. "You can stay with me. They
can bring us food, and you can stay. . .with me on the floor or
take the bed. Just please. . .stay?"
Her eyes bore into me, and I feel like I'm drowning in deep pools
of heated ocean water. I do so with a sigh. I watch as she
glances toward Pauly and Stevie. They nod their heads and smile
down at me. Some unspoken words just passed between them.
"You take care of this-un, tonight, Abbie." Stevie
remarks with a crooked grin.
"Yeah, we'll be back in the morning to go do
visitation." Pauly adds.
Still, Sly has not agreed, so I try simple logic. "I can
give the nurse's station the number to the pay phone by my room
and have them call if something happens?" I murmur
hopefully.
She smiles at me wistfully. "I was gonna come anyway, but
that's a good idea."
Sly peers over at her two comrades. "Bring enough for the
both of us, and guys stay close to our space. I could have to
come get you. . if something happens." Her voice becomes
small, and I reach around her and rub her back in comfort. I ask
them to wait for me while I go call the fourth floor.
In no time, Sly and I find ourselves in front of my building. I
see her wary eyes look down at me then glare up at the building.
"I don't want to get you in trouble, Abbie. What will your
landlord say?"
With a wave of my hand, I blow off her concern and pull her up
the stairs. "I don't care. She's never there anyway. I
forgot what the woman looks like. It'll be okay." Sly nods
at my tenacity and gives me a ghost of a grin.
We get upstairs, and I watch her scan the room. My bed is unmade
because of my rush and a couple of cups sit out unwashed. I start
to feel self-conscious. "Um, I didn't have time to clean. I
thought it was you at the door, and when I ran down. . ."
She shushes me by bringing a finger to her lips. "It's okay,
Abbie. That kind of thing doesn't matter to me." Her eyes
become luminescent. "You matter to me." Her fingers
brush a stray strand of my hair away.
I know I'm blushing, and if she keeps saying things like that.
I'm going to turn red, permanently. I feel the urge to kiss her
again, but shyness assails me. So, I smile instead, and she again
traces my blush with a finger.
Finally, she lets me breath again when she looks away and moves
to sit in one of my little chairs. This time, Sly looks to be the
shy one. "Uh, Abbie? I don't exactly have clothes to sleep
in."
I immediately answer, "Oh, that's okay. We can just wash the
ones you have on in the basement, and I have this huge robe that
would fit you. It used to be my father's."
Sly hold's up a hand in protest, "No, I couldn't take
that."
"It's okay. You need it, and I want to give it to you."
She turns away quickly, and I instantly go to her. I stand over
her looking down over her bent head. I can't help myself, so I
start to run my hands through the ebony strands. "What is
it, Sly?"
When she looks up, her eyes are closed in pleasure, causing my
stomach to clench at the sight. Slowly, pale blue opens, and she
speaks, "I don't want to ask too much of you."
Is she afraid of wearing out her welcome? That's nonsense. I push
the bangs away from her forehead. "Don't you know? I'd do
anything for you, and it's never too much. It could only slightly
payback for what you've done for me."
She doesn't say a word, but her actions do. Sly pulls me close,
wrapping her arms around my waist, and in reaction, I push her
head against my chest. Against my chest, she mumbles, "It's
a good thing you were home then."
I chuckle at that, "If I'm not at work or at the Mission
nowadays, I'm at home. Nowhere else to go, and nothing to
do."
"Mmm, I know the feeling."
At the most inopportune time, my stomach decides the growl. I
feel her poking it, and I end up giggling. Sly looks up at me,
and we both chuckle. Then her eyes become somber. "Do you
think that she'll be okay?"
My eyes project back my understanding of her fear, "We can
only hope, Sly."
We're eating now, stewed chicken and vegetables with rice pudding
for desert. I talked to the guys for a few minutes down stairs.
They reiterated how good I am for Sly, but little did they know
that she has been stellar for me too.
The long day has moved into night, and after some more debate, I
go down to wash Sly's clothes. Now, she was sitting in that same
chair in a blue terry cloth robe. I smile at her, "See, knew
it would fit." I notice her almost dry hair, falling down
her back, and I look forward to the inky strands in my brush.
She grins back. "Yeah, and I hope you don't mind. I found
some towels and the bathroom. Took a shower while you were
gone."
"No, that's okay. Whatever you need. I'm going to take one
myself soon." I glance around the room, and it hits me that
there is nothing for us to do. "Um, sorry that I don't have
cable."
She nods and takes her clothes. "It's okay. I haven't seen
TV in ages. Um, why don't you go ahead and take your shower.
I"ll be alright. Promise."
I look at her to make sure that she is sure. She nods toward me,
and I know that she is.
After returning, wearing my customary sleepwear, shorts and
t-shirt, it hits me that I do have something for us to do. I put
my clothes away and tell her. "Sly, I do have some books if
you want to take a stab at those." I watch as her eyes light
up.
"Really? I only have one book Catcher in the Rye, and
I try to read from it as often as I can. It's falling apart, but
it's still mine, you know?"
My smile widens as I learn that we have something in common.
"I know what you mean, and I love that book. I don't have a
copy of it, but I have some other stuff you can go through."
"That's great. What do you read?"
Dammit! I feel the blush again. "Uhm, I have corny romance
novels, a couple of Patricia Cornwell books, and about three
Sandra Scoppettone novels."
Her eyebrows lift, "You have books by her? You do know that
she's a gay writer. I haven't read any books by her, but I know
who she is." I watch as her lips quirk. "Interesting.
Anything else you want to tell me?" Her tone is full of
mirth.
Feeling flustered, I say the first thing that enters my mind,
"Um, I like chicken."
Sly throws back her head to laugh, and I feel a blush for the
umpteenth time today.
"I like it too. You are really something else, Abbie, and I
like you, a lot."
I let out an embarrassed chuckle. It is good to see her laugh,
especially like that. It makes me feel warm inside to know I
caused it. "Um, I like you too. . .a lot." Her eyes
meet mine, and we stay stuck in a gaze that shoots electricity up
my spine.
Finally, Sly clears her throat and asks, "How about one of
those Scoppettone books?"
"Sure, I'll get it for you."
She grabs my arm as I walk by. "Will you read it to
me?"
I nod and pause to allow the flood of warm inside at her touch.
We both stand and glance first at each other then at the small
bed. I sense her reluctance. "Uh, why don't you take the
bed, and I'll do the floor?" I ask.
She looks at me and shakes her head. "No, you go ahead and
keep your bed. I'm used to the floor anyway. Besides, my legs
would hang off it. I'm way to tall for that." She points at
the bed.
"Oh, didn't think about that. I'll get some blankets, and
make you a pallet. I have a few extra."
I make up her a make shift pallet, and sit on my own bed sideways
so I can lean against the wall. I expect her to lay down, but to
my surprise, she sits up against the bed with her back to me and
between my legs. I tense realizing the intimacy of the moment. As
if sensing it, Sly turns my way. "Is this okay?"
After a moment of thought, "Yeah," I reply, "It's
perfect."
"Abbie, can I ask you something?" Her face is still
turned toward me.
"Anything."
I see the indecision on her face. "Uhm, can I sleep in the
robe?"
Immediately, I know that isn't what she wants to ask me, but I
don't push. She'll ask when she's ready. "Sure," I
answer in as even a voice as I could muster.
Some time and some laughter later. We bed down for the night.
"She's hilarious. Do you have the first three books in the
Laurano series?"
"Yeah, I do, and they only get better." I add.
"Been meaning to get the others, but I don't have the money.
They don't carry them all at the library for some reason."
"Cause they're stupid."
I watch her cinch the robe belt tight then cover up. I swallow
hard, knowing that she's naked underneath. Yanked out of my
reverie by her sigh, I reach to turn off the overhead light and
scoot up into my still unmade bed, bringing the blankets up to my
shoulders. I turn to make sure that I'm facing her as if I can
see her in the dark. "Goodnight, Sly," I mumble softly.
"G'night, Little Bit. I'm glad I stayed."
"Me too."
"Uhm, you sure we can hear the phone from here?"
I feel her sudden distress. "Yeah, I'm a light sleeper, but
Sly, they're not gonna call." She's silent, but I can hear
her smile. Sometime later all I hear is her deep, even breathing.
Sleep doesn't come to me easy, but when it finally does, the
sound of soft mewing and a whisper of Gert's name wakes me. I let
my eyes adjust to the dark. Then, without a thought, I am down on
the floor right beside her. I see the brightness of the light
blue covered shoulder in the dark, and I cover it with my hand.
Her body is tense and shaking. Immediately, I know what she
needs.
Bending down, I brush her cheek with my lips, and whisper a
"Shh, it will be alright," in her ear. After a minute,
the tenseness and whimpers go away, but when I try to move to
return to my bed, they return tenfold. Not knowing what else to
do, I slide under the covers beside her, close to her. Throwing
an arm over her torso, I snuggle into her back and bury my head
in silky, black hair. Her body goes limp, and the deep breathing
returns. Soon after, I feel my eyes get heavy, and sleep comes.
My last thought is, "Please don't ring."
Hope you enjoyed the latest part. Let me know at Minerva