*****

For the first time since his world had crumbled down at his feet as he watched Tea walk slowly from the Penthouse that dark evening, entering through the doorway felt like coming home. He had gotten the message upon returning from some out of the office business that Starr had been sick at school, but that she had been taken care of. He was too worried about Starr and had too much guilt within him for not being available when his kid needed him to be irritated that he’d most likely find Blair in his home when he got there. He knew she’d keep Starr safe but he wasn’t up to dealing with another round of what she had to offer. The school had assured him that his daughter was just fighting off the same stomach flu that had traveled through it like wildfire, but he needed to rush home and see that she was okay for herself, diagnosed stomach flu or not. He didn’t trust a quack to tell him things about HIS daughter, especially not one who gave him attitude. He could only figure that Blair must have given her a hard time about something. When he called for details, she was cool and aloof, and hung up with some comment about the lie in which he allowed his daughter to be raised.

But when he got to the apartment building’s parking deck it wasn’t Blair’s sporty Purple Mustang that he pulled in next to but Tea’s green Pontiac. She loved that car. He’d wanted to get her something flashy, the kind of car he always drove and the only kind Blair would consider when they went vehicle shopping, but she insisted on classy but secure and reliable. He got out slowly and just stared, blinking in confusion. For a mere couple of seconds, he wondered if he’d dreamed the last few days. It was too much like old times...him returning from all sorts of hours at the Sun to find her home sitting with Starr, drifting on the waves of sleep on the couch, or chewing on the end of a pen with a determined stare in her eyes as she studied the files of her latest case while pacing relentlessly across the carpet. But the memories of the last few days were too firmly etched in his memory to go on dreaming for long that she’d open the door with a “Welcome home, dear.”

“What the hell do you think you are, Manning, the Waltons?” He had to smile for a second. Even when they were at their best he never looked for Tea to meet him at the door wearing an apron and the fake smiles people plastered to their faces in those old televison shows. There was nothing false about Tea. He always knew he’d get just what she was thinking, and he’d grown to love that. But he was a different matter. There were things he needed to protect her from with false fronts. He couldn’t show her how much he needed her, how much a part of his existence she was...it was too risky for her. In the end, the deceit would save her life, keep her clear from his list of casualties.

“Todd Manning...Living in a world of Masks,” he scoffed as he walked over to the elevator. Each time he saw her, he feared it would slip a little bit more. It’s hard to keep under wraps the very thing that rules your life.

As he stepped into the elevator, and hit the button to carry him up to the Penthouse Level...to her...to his family...he let his finger linger on the button which she had pressed with one of her delicate fingers just hours ago. It drove him mad how every little connection to her carried such importance these days, and at the same time, these minor connections were his salvation.

Outside the door, he took a deep breath before inserting his key and opening it as gently as he could, as if any bit of noise might disturb something or someone. He wanted to find her and to take in the sight of her before she took off at the sight of him. The living room was darkening as the entrance into early evening stole the light. He glanced around, walking lightly across the carpet, hoping to go unheard, just a little longer.

Her purse....

On the couch, she’d dumped her bag and her briefcase, the case which lay open in a slightly haphazard way. Still, as he glanced with curiousity into its contents, he couldn’t help but shake his head at the ordered way in which she always kept things.

“Makes order out of chaos...sense out of the senseless,” he whispered to himself. Tea to the rescue. He swept his hand over the surface, and then dumped his jacket on the floor, leaving it in a heap exactly where it landed. Slowly he made his way to the stairs, sensing without any real clue that she was upstairs, most likely exactly where he would have been, at Starr’s side. She loved his daughter in a way that matched his own feeling. He glanced up, still afraid to break some spell that he felt like he’d walked into. He should just be rude and brash and waltz right in there with his usual lack of manners to maintain his plan to keep her away... to send her running and to keep her safe. But there was something too magical about it, and he remembered her tears the last time he’d left her, tears and emotion she didn’t know he had been witness to. He went so silent that he made even his breathing stop, as Starr’s voice drifted down the stairway....

“I have a guardian angel?” His heart jumped a bit...she sounded okay...on the verge of sleep, but okay. He allowed himself to breathe again, silently.

“Of course! And not just any guardian angel, but the best in the business. I know because she’s mine too. She’s the one who brought me back to you.” In all those cheesy fairytales he read to Starr, he had heard of things like voices floating and hearts melting...he always laughed at things like that, and Starr would put her two small hands on her hips, and announce, “Daddy...Read it RIGHT.” Stuff like that really happened? He felt like he should punch himself to regain his manly stature.

“Maybe she’ll bring you back to Daddy, too.” His heart twisted...it sounded more like a wish being sent out than a mere thought given a voice. He was lost in thought, and the voices became muffled, too much so for his straining ear to pick up. Slowly he began to ascend the staircase drawn to the sounds and full of curiousity with the direction this conversation would turn. He was happy that this time together had brought Tea and Starr close again. He’d been brimming with guilt over the thought that he may have pulled them away from each other. Viki always said that all things happened for a reason, and he could almost believe that something had held him up today to make this moment happen, to bring them, for a short time, back to being a family again. If he believed in this stuff, that is. A beam of light came out from the half open door lighting his way in the darkness and guiding him towards the muffled voices. He was sure that he could smell the delicate scent of her perfume along the route she must have taken down the hallway not long ago. His footfalls became as gentle as those of a cat as he positioned himself, unseen and unheard, in the doorway. Tea sat beside Starr’s bed, the rocking chair pulled close, and was doing her best to calm and soothe his daughter towards a peaceful rest.

“Will you stay with me anyway, until I fall asleep?” He heard Starr’s sleepy plea from inside. Todd loved it when she said those words to him...it always made him feel so needed, like he was necessary in this world after all. He could only suppose that they struck Tea in a similar fashion, and he smiled. Then in the darkness, his smile turned to a small frown. Starr needed Tea, but he’d sent her away--because he needed her too much himself, and was afraid of what power that might give him, power that he might lose control of and hurt her with rather than love her as he wanted to. He found himself holding his breath again, so much so that something began to ache in his chest.

“Of course...now close your eyes and think of all kinds of pretty things and everything will be okay.”

Todd did as she told Starr...closing his eyes and thinking only of her face, her hair, that softness... ,and everything will be okay...

As he felt himself drifting on some unfamiliar peaceful sense that everything WAS okay for the first time in a long time, he heard her voice drifting quietly, words that held no phsyical meaning for him but which were heavy with emotional understanding...a Spanish lullaby that had drifted through this same doorway many a time in the past two years since she had come to be his wife and be a second mother to his child. He was so lost in it, he didn’t notice to brush away the tear that slipped silently down his face, slowing down only as it reached the scar on his cheek in its attempt to wash away all the pain of the past with the feeling he felt now, listening to her.

He inhaled sharply and then stared hard at them to see if he would be detected, as he heard Starr’s sleepy response, breaking into the song...

“I think I’ll call my guardian angel ‘Tee’...she looks just like you. Maybe she is you....”

Against the wall, he silently slid to the ground.

... What have I done? What should I do? ...

He sat there for what felt like an eternity, fighting with the confusion that filled his head and yet calmed nonetheless by her presence just on the other side of the door. Eventually, he got slowly to his feet and decided to make his own presence known, fearing in his heart that he would do something to break the spell.

*****

“I think Shorty’s right...I’m not big into believing in angels, but I think you are hers...and you’re a really good mother to my kid.” Surprise ripped through Tea, but was soon overpowered by a different sense all together...her heart leapt just as it always did to have him near.

Todd looked at her response, as she seemed to jump in fear out of the chair and then just stared at him, breathing hard. He let his head fall to conceal the rush of anger he felt towards himself. He obviously frightened her. Why would he have thought he was capable of doing anything for her at this point beyond scaring the hell out of her from time to time?

“How is she?” He nodded towards Starr, not meeting her eyes. “How’s my kid?”

Tea stammered a bit and gestured nervously.

“She...she’s fine...just fine....well...not fine exactly...it seems she has one of those stomach bugs that’s going around...but nothing a little gingerale won’t cure, ya know?” He always got this ultimate softness about him when he was looking out for Starr and no one else was there to see it, Tea thought, as she tried to take in his presence without him noticing. He looked like he was half hiding, his hair falling across his forehead in a most attractive manner.

“With a straw...” He said, looking up at her finally and walking slowly over to Starr’s bedside. He leaned over and gently brushed a lock of hair away from her face just as Tea went to do the same thing. Their fingers met, and their eyes followed. For a mere second, he intertwined one of his fingers with hers, before pulling back as if he’d been burned. He wanted so much more...each innocent contact made him long for so much more. He backed off and turned away quickly.

She stared hard at his back, tense, with muscles tightly coiled, and she closed her eyes. He couldn’t even stand to touch her. He had acted like the accidental contact had repulsed him... I repulse him now.... Tears filled her eyes, and she bent down and kissed Starr’s forehead softly, figuring that the best thing for her to do was just to go. To go before she didn’t have it in her to leave again. She took several steps on her way out of the room.

“Wait...Delgado...”

Tea closed her eyes again, tightly...it hurt to hear him call her that right now. She wanted him to say it like she wished he would...full of the need and desire, and the love that she had imagined so many times before. She wanted “Don’t Leave Me” to follow, like it had once before.

“I owe you...you know...for going to get Shorty and for taking care of her until I could get home...here. You don’t have to go just yet.” Todd saw her close her eyes. It was “obvious” to him she wanted nothing more than to escape from him. But when he finished his statement, she opened them, and there was something else there...something that confused him. A sparkle...

Hope...that is what flooded her heart as he said those words. God help her, she wanted so much for his sentiment to shout “Stay! I need you here, I want you here, and I never want to be without you again.”. But such thoughts were foolish now. She remembered how he’d recoiled from her.

“You don’t owe me anything. I love Starr today and always, you know that. I was glad to be able to help...and to be with her.” She fidgeted nervously with her watch as she often did when she was uncomfortable about something, and he was drawn to that action. He had given her that watch to replace the one that Moose had gotten his claws on and dropped in his waterdish, and he was a little surprised she still valued it. For a second, she paused, and looked up at him, and he found her direct eye-contact intoxicating as usual. His silence and the intensity of his stare became almost too painful to endure, so she jumped in to fill it, unconsciously beginning to spill something deeper than she meant to.

“Um, in all honesty, I think she helped me today more than I could help her. It doesn’t take much to calm an unsettled stomach, but an unsettled spirit...that’s another thing. You’re daughter has a gift for that, you know? Sometimes just being around her makes everything seem right. It’s funny, because we are supposed to be that for her, and it’s like she reverses the roles...” She became aware that she was babbling, and so she just trailed off, begging the total body flush she was feeling to lay off and leave her with an ounce of pride.

“No, I get it...Shorty’s always been the best thing that ever happened to me. And sometimes, she’s like this grown up in a kid’s body. She makes me...better than I am...but it’s like...at what cost to her, you know? She shouldn’t be dealing with this stuff...I don’t even want her to know it exists...I...” He watched Tea’s eyes grow sympathetic, and he realized it wasn’t the pity he had seen from some in his life which made him grow incensed. It wasn’t the “man you are so pathetic I have to feel sorry for you” look but something more of sharing in his pain and knowing its depth through her own understanding. She always genuinely seemed to want to shoulder part of it, though, and that he couldn’t allow.

“I understand...”

“I know you do...you shouldn’t have to either...You’re just like Starr, you know? This isn’t your world. You need to stay out of it Tea, once and for all....” He wondered if there was any conviction at all in his words.

Tea opened her mouth to reply when Starr reminded them of her presence.

“Daddy? You’re home...” She looked at him with heavy lidded eyes.

“Shorty, I’m sorry...didn’t mean to wake you...”

“Daddy, look...Tee’s back...at least for a little while. And you know what? She still wants to be my second Mommy.”

“Yeah...yeah, I know. How are you feeling kid? I heard you did in some kid’s shoes...”

“Mary Ellen’s...” Starr filled in, apologetic.

“Eh, I bet she had it coming to her.”

“Daaaaadddy....”

“Tooooooddd...”

Todd looked from one exasperated smile to the next, and shrugged.

“Whatever...that’s how the chunk blows...”

Starr looked at Tea with an expression of “My Daddy can be so gross” and then put her pillow over her face. Tea grabbed a stuffed animal and swatted him with it.

“Nice, Todd.”

“Hey, it’s a gift.”

“I’m sure you made your family so proud,” Tea retorted, getting into the lightness of the moment.

“Always,” he said, but his face grew dark for a minute and Tea felt instant remorse for her thoughtlessness. One thing she had come to understand is the depth of the pain he carried trying to live up to impossible standards established by an unfeeling monster.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. He looked at her, surprised that she had even caught anything. Sometimes it was like she could read his thoughts.

“Forget it, no big deal” he answered, shrugging it all off. What he was trying to forget was how much he enjoyed her understanding, and her support beside him. All at once, he was so full of confusion. One minute it seemed like she wanted to run, and the next he could feel her moving closer to him again. Damn the confusion that was him!

She looked at him like she wanted to say something more, but he broke off and looked to Starr as an escape. Sometimes he wanted to hide behind the pillow just like Starr when Tea looked at him like that. She could see so much in him, and he felt the pull growing as strong as always between them. He was so torn between moving with the current and fighting the tides.

“Daddy, can you tell me a story?” Starr asked, peeking out from behind her pillow at him.

“How about the story of my day...Once upon a time, it was boring...the end,” he answered and grinned at her.

“Daaaaaaadddy, please?” She batted her eyelashes like Blair sometimes did when she was after something, and Tea had to laugh as Todd shook his head at her...”Okay, how about we remove that manuever from your bag of tricks, kid, okay? That gives me hives.”

“Only if you tell me a story.”

“What do I look like, Mother Goose?”

“While you lack the beak, you are very capable of weaving the magic, buster,” Tea joined Starr’s team to gang up on him. She blushed and stammered to recover after she thought a little more about the double meaning in her words. “Um...I mean, you can create a really good fairytale when you want to...to tell Starr...as a story...” She became very interested in the loose thread on Starr’s comforter. “And while you do that, I should really get going...I should.” She wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince. “Starr, you are in good hands now and you’re fever is down a lot. I bet you’ll be feeling as good as new when you wake up tomorrow.”

“Will you be here?”

“I have to be in court tomorrow, kiddo. I’m heading back to work in time for a big case.”

“But you could sleep over. My bed is too small, and Moose sleeps in your old room, but you could sleep with Daddy. He’s got a big old bed.”

Todd had picked the wrong moment to take a sip of Starr’s ginger-ale and began to choke. Tea tried to overcome her own reaction which had doubled her normal heart rate by three, and leaned over unconsiously to rub his back. Starr grinned and secretly patted the feather under her pillow. She had a very serious mission for her guardian angel, and it was no holds barred.

“Are you okay?” Tea asked Todd with concern when his coughing had eased off.

“Sure,” he croaked back, and when their eyes met, they danced this time. She realized that she was still running her hand up and down his back, and she pulled back, reluctantly.

“Daddy, I figured out the story I want to hear,” Starr jumped in, her eyes suspiciously wide with perfect innocence. Todd arched a suspicious eyebrow in response.

“Tell me about when you and Tee first fell in love...and you better make it one of those happily ever after kinds...”

“Listen Imp, it’s getting to be about that time. Bed-time...” He started to tuck her in and deliberately pulled the covers all the way up to cover her mouth.

“Daddy, I can’t breathe.” She complained.

“Good, does that mean you can’t talk either?” Todd said, with a look. His kid was suddenly Cupid. He didn’t know if he should call her a traitor or give her an extra hug. Tea tucked her in right and handed her back her bunny. She’d been struck silent, lost in her own version of the story Starr wanted to hear, and longing for the same ending.

She leaned down to give her an extra tight hug.

“I wish you didn’t have to go, but you’ll be back, right Tee? Promise?” Starr whispered into her shoulder.

“I will. I promise. I’ll visit whenever I can, okay? And maybe you can come visit me, too? I’m thinking of getting my own house and you can have your own room if you want. You can help me decorate and everything.” She thought that Starr would be more excited than she was about that last part.

Todd was pretty sure that he could read Starr’s mind on this one, since the same thought ran through his head. If I could make things different, this would be your only home and no one would ever just have to come and go. We would all belong...together...like it should be. Like it would be...if only.

If only I didn’t know what I was. If only I could be ignorant of what I could become. If only I was sure that my love wouldn’t mean her destruction. If only... There was just too much at stake. There was too much risk involved in denying if only’s. He cursed the pain of daring to hope. And he cursed the life that had made him feel like a monster.

*****

Tea walked over to the couch and began to pull her briefcase together, and Todd watched her from the foot of the stairs.

“Damn, Delgado...with you everything is so organized. You always know where everything fits, and if it doesn’t, you make it fit.” He thought he was just talking to fill up the silence, but he saw her back stiffen a little at his small talk.

“I guess I don’t know when to quit, huh?” His comment had hit her the wrong way, because she thought he was trying to send her a message. She was the one thing that didn’t fit anywhere...that didn’t truly belong anywhere. Where things didn’t fit neatly, she forged on anyway...she took it to mean that she was pushing herself into something where she wasn’t welcome. He had pushed her away, again and again, and still she hung on because her heart begged her to. But was it too late? Since she’d brought Starr home, and especially once Todd had joined them, she had felt so strongly that things were as they should be again. Apparently she had read Todd wrong.

But then...what else is new? She thought, angry with herself for fighting to believe...

“What are you talking about?” Todd asked, his face full of genuine confusion. Her back to him, Tea missed it, and could only assume he was dragging her in further to some kind of game where he was about to put her in her place.

She pulled her case closed with an agitated slam and then paused as the light hit the diamond in the ring he’d given her on a night that, when brought to mind, even as often as it was, she still wondered sometimes if it had all been a dream. She turned slowly to face him, her attention still focused on the ring, her eyes bright with tears.

As Todd looked at her his heart was suddenly up in his throat. He hadn’t noticed before that she still wore his ring. Why? She had always had so much faith in them. He was the one who lacked it.

What if I could let her faith and her belief in us stand for both of us? Could things be different? Could I be different? Maybe there is a way...

Tea...He tried to say it out loud but he couldn’t find his voice...

She closed her eyes, unable to look at him, and began to slide the ring off her finger.

Her name, halfway to his lips once again, caught in his throat as he watched her, his heart beginning to pound with pain.

“I should have given this back to you...if your heart isn’t mine to claim, and if your life isn’t mine to share, then I have no right to this, and I don’t want it. It’s just a reminder of what we can never really be to each other.”

If only you’d let me, she thought. Oh God, if only...this can’t be the end...it shouldn’t have to be...but I won’t fight him anymore. It’s time I believed in him when he says he can’t or won’t be with me. I have to do what he wants me to do, once and for all.

Todd was almost too dumbfounded to speak. Just when he thought he was going to turn the tides for them, she pulled everything in the opposite direction.

If she couldn’t find the faith anymore, then where can I find the strength to silence the darkest parts of me?

He couldn’t meet her eyes, so he turned his head away from her, and silently held out his hand. Her hand trembled as she placed the ring in his waiting palm.

He didn’t fight me. This must really be what he wants. He can’t do it anymore, it’s not fair for me to keep pushing...am I destroying him more by forcing what he can’t give?.. and I don’t think I can take anymore hopes which are only dashed in the end. But if this is ‘doing the right thing,’ why does it feel so wrong?

Electricity ran through him as her fingers brushed his hand, and then the coolness of the returned ring brought him back down to earth. Still, he was left feeling as if he’d been kicked in the stomach...all the wind knocked out of him. This is what had to be, but how the hell was he going to survive it?

“I guess we don’t need a big fancy goodbye...you are going to keep your promise to Shorty, right? You’re not going to stay away from her, right?”

“No...we'll keep seeing each other…we'll always have a connection too strong…Starr, I mean…and I guess…there will have to be a divorce to settle….none of that now though, okay?" She was trying as hard as she could to swallow back tears and wished she could turn and run. Instead, she looked up into his eyes, and he returned the look. For some reason, neither could interpret the look that clouded both pairs. This decision they'd made, each with the belief that they would save the other, was the death of them. What's wrong spun to be right, what's right lost in the spinning.

Todd's thoughts were spinning too fast for him to keep up. All he knew was that she was about to walk out that door, and it was killing him to the core.

Tea's heart felt so weighed down with regret, confusion, and pain, she couldn't see straight and cold hardly move. She knew she had to go before she had nothing left, but not without one final action.

If she kissed him outright as she wanted to, she'd lose herself. So she did all that was left.

She gently kissed her fingertips and brushed them across his lips.

So you'll always know I loved you, and that I will love only you…

He caught her hand and held it there for a second, until she bit her lip at the warmth of his breath, and the softness of the kiss he placed on them.

I have to go…for him

I have to let her go…for her

She turned and headed for the door, as fast as she could. She couldn't look back.

He couldn't watch her go. He stared up at the ceiling, as if hoping for some last ditch deliverance....

"What have I done?"

Leaning against the cool wood on the other side of the door, Tea echoed the same sentiments, and didn't make it to the elevator before the tears began to fall.