*****

Suo-Gan (English Translation)

To my lullaby surrender
Warm and tender at my breast
Mother’s arms with love caressing
Lay their blessings on your rest
Nothing shall tonight alarm you
None shall harm you have no fear
Lie contented, calmly slumber
On your mother’s breast my dear
Here tonight I tightly hold you
And enfold you while you sleep
Why I wonder are you smiling
Smiling in your slumber deep
Are the angels on you smiling
And beguiling you with charm
While you also smile my blossom
Up against me soft and warm?
Have no fear now leaves are knocking
Gently knocking at our door
Have no fear now waves are beating
Gently beating on the shore
Sleep my darling, none shall harm you
Nor alarm you never cry
In my bosom sweetly smiling
And beguiling those on high.
> ~Robert Bryan

“You’ll be in my heart...”
~Phil Collins

*****

Tea rushed over to Llanview Primary School so fast that the drive was but a mere blur. Only one notion repeatedly traveled through her mind---Starr needed her. So many times she had held that little girl in her arms when there was fear of monsters or tears of childhood hurts, and she had promised her that she would always be there when she needed her. In the past few days, she had tried all she could to pull back from her and make it easier on both of them. She knew she was kidding herself. Each day, she hoped that the ache of missing Starr’s smile in the mornings would lessen its hold, that the phantom feelings of a child’s arms wrapped tightly around her in a goodnight hug would fade and stop leaving her in tears that she couldn’t or wouldn’t explain to all the eyes that would stare with concern, and the need to know that Starr was okay, every second of every minute would let her out of its powerful grip. Blair had often sniped at her that she would never know what it was to be a mother. If this wasn’t a mother’s pain, she didn’t know what was. She tried to silence it, to pretend that she didn’t care, to herself and everyone else who looked at her with wondering or sympathetic glances; she wanted to appear fine to anyone who doubted that she could continue without the family that had become so much a part of her. But when Starr had pushed back at the park the other day, she could not stop the flashes of pain that replayed her words and her hurt like a video tape. She also couldn’t erase the feeling that she had deserved it, for following in her mother’s footsteps.

In truth, Todd and Starr had rescued her from a desolate place where she refused to sacrifice herself over to a thing called love. She had heard that it could be two sided. People would pick up on her “Love is not for me” attitude and insist to her that love was life’s greatest blessing. Before becoming a Manning, she knew only one aspect of it, the part that couldn’t be counted on. The side that made you wake up in the middle of dark nights looking for a mother’s love that abandoned you. The love that is fleeting and can’t be counted on to last. The love that would leave a child without so much as a goodbye or a note of explanation. Love in all of its unpredictability which shows one face before you sleep with him and something all together different just moments after...love lessons that made her turn her back on the whole concept and the hope of ever finding its other side in anyone, husband, lover, friend, child. It was something she could not even begin to comprehend.

Todd had given her a new definition of love. When she let down her defenses and let herself be open to it in the past, it disguised itself so well she got it confused with other things, like lust, and she followed through by setting standards of self worth for herself based purely on physical love that disgusted her in retrospect. He didn’t even realize it, but Todd’s own inability to move their relationship to an intimate level had finally revealed to her that love was so much more than a mere physical relationship. Before Todd, she could not comprehend that she could be loved for her mind, her strength, her sense of humor, and her nature. When at first, Todd didn’t want from her the one thing she had always equated with love, thinking that that was all she had to give, the rejection of her intimate advances was, to her, a rejection of herself on all levels. In truth, Todd was falling in love with her on levels that she had never stopped to value or even accept their existence within herself. Not that his love was not a struggle. But his love accepted things about her and made her feel more real on so many levels. Of all of these levels, he trusted her with his daughter. Going into their “contract,” he knew of her fears and her lack of confidence in her maternal instincts, but his actions in trusting her to be a good stepmother to Starr opened her eyes to the possibility that she had used past wrongs done to her to misjudge herself and the whole concept of love on a maternal level. He lifted the curse, with the help of one beautiful little girl whose trusting eyes and loving ways helped to calm so many of her doubts. Starr believed in her and taught her how to love.

“And instead of repaying the debt I owed her, I just left her the same way my mother left me. I didn’t even say goodbye. Who knows...maybe my mother had the same reasons for leaving me that I had...that Todd and I had... Maybe she just had no fight left...no strength left anymore. Those were issues between Todd and me, though...they don’t make it okay for me to push her away! Sure, she did some pushing of her own, but she’s so hurt, and it was up to me to make it right. I could have fought to make her understand. Instead I was as selfish as my mother was twenty-two years ago. She needs me now and I’ll be damned if I’m going to leave her with the same notion of love that my past taught me!” She pounded the steering wheel passionately and returned the stare of the busybody in the car sitting at the light beside her. He shook his head at her and made a face, proably thinking some evil thoughts about uptight women drivers and how to keep them off the road.

“What are you looking at, buddy? I’m going to get my daughter...she needs me... and no one is going to tell me any different.”

*****

Starr rolled over on the small cot and sniffled sadly. Where was he? Everything hurt and she wanted someone to tell her it was okay besides the school nurse who had poked and prodded at her until she cried for Daddy. She closed her eyes and tried to picture that she was home and safe in her room with all her stuffed animals, and Daddy, Mommy...and Tee would all be there. She didn’t intend to imagine Tee in there, but she just appeared. She looked for her to be there now, and things hadn’t felt right since she left. But she couldn’t tell Daddy that. Starr knew how he was. He’d start being all mad at himself like it was his fault. Also, she knew he was busy trying to cover his own feelings. She knew he missed Tee a lot. The other day she had peeked through the door and found him sitting in Tee’s old room. She liked to go in there to because it still smelled like Tee’s perfume. But Daddy had found an old shirt of hers that she had left behind...she left it behind just like she left them behind. Starr wondered if she forgot them the same way she’d forgotten that old shirt. Why didn’t she come back for it...and for them? She had watched Daddy just sit there, so still she became frightened, holding the shirt against his cheek and staring off into someplace she couldn’t see. She wanted to go in there and hold his hand and pull him back, but she didn’t want him to get mad at her for seeing that Daddies get sad too. He liked to play pretend a lot...his eyes told her he was sad but the rest of him pretended not to be in front of her. She turned and buried her face in the pillow, which was hard and flat and did nothing to dull the ache in her head. Why did no one come for her? Daddy and Mommy...had they left her like Tee did? Maybe she was bad...maybe they were angry at her for being sick...maybe no one loved her anymore. Would she be all alone? She started to cry softly. She felt one side of the cot get lower and continued to hide her face. She wished the nurse would just leave her alone. She didn’t want to look like a big baby and have her stare as she cried. She felt a hand lovingly rubbing her back and she stopped sniffling.

“Don’t cry, mi Estrella. We’re going to go home.”

*****

Tea cursed the traffic jam as she had rushed into the nurse’s office past people who wanted some sort of pass she hadn’t stopped to get by almost pushing them out of her way. She had no time for school politics when her daughter needed her. Making her way back into the infirmary, her heart nearly broke in two as she found Starr crying softly all alone and frightened. It had taken her so long that Starr must have thought no one would ever come. She sat on the cot, rubbed her back and whispered to her softly to calm her. Starr turned over and focused her two big eyes on her, still red with tears. She didn’t speak, but just looked up at her and let her brush her hair back from her damp cheeks. She seemed to be struggling with some sort of confusion.

“It’s okay honey...your Dad’s okay, but he couldn’t be reached and your Mom is on a special assignment. But you know what? I’m kind of glad they called me. Because now I can take you home and take care of my favorite girl. Now tell me, where does it hurt?” She put a cool hand against Starr’s cheek and found that she was running a fever. Starr hesitated a minute.

“Everywhere,” she whispered, staring hard down at the cot. She didn’t want to look up into Tee’s eyes. It was too confusing. She saw there what she had always seen...the eyes darker than daddies but eyes that held the same love that his did for her. How could that be true, even now? She had to be imagining things. If Tee loved her, she never would have left her.

“Let’s get you home, okay? Do you want me to carry you?”

“No, I can do it.” She got up slowly and handed Tea her small backpack.

Tea guided her with a gentle hand towards the door. There they were stopped by the nurse, a woman who Tea didn’t recognize.

“You’re not taking this child anywhere...you’re not her mother.”

“Um, excuse me but the school called me. I’m Starr’s stepmother, Tea Manning.” She extended her hand in introduction. It wasn’t taken.

“In the society page it says you and Mr. Manning have split. It’s about time to. The whole town knew it was nothing but a farce since day one. You have a lot of nerve now showing up here and pretending to be a mother to this child.”

“I’m sorry, but you seem to be under the impression that you know me well enough to talk to me in that tone, and to make inferences about things that you know nothing about.” Tea was getting annoyed, and she held Starr protectively against her.

“I’m a friend of Dorian Cramer. I know of what I speak. I know where you come from and what you pulled with your contract.”

“You know your version...you wouldn’t know the truth about me, about my love for my husband or my daughter if it jumped up and bit you in the...” She stopped short, glancing down at Starr. “Listen, I don’t have time for this. I want to take Starr home and get her into bed and make sure she’s all right. Because this child means the world to me....I couldn’t love her anymore if my blood ran through her veins. And she is my only concern here. Not your gossip based opinions of me or anyone else. Now get the hell out of my way.” She picked Starr up in her arms and pushed past the woman foaming at the mouth in the doorway. Starr tentatively wrapped her arms around her neck, trying to process some of what she’d just witnessed and understand what it meant to her.

*****

“Home, sweet home, kiddo,” Tea announced as she opened the door to the Penthouse. She had considered bringing her back to Carlotta’s with her but then she realized that Starr would feel most comfortable in her own bed with her own things. Truthfully, stepping into the Penthouse felt so right. Everywhere else in this town she still felt as though she needed to apologize for being there. Here, she felt she belonged.

She had tried to get Starr to open up to her and at the very least to tell her what was wrong, but she was stubbornly quiet as she gazed out the window at the scenery going by. Now Tea decided to try again.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take you to see the doctor?” After a long silence, Starr answered her.

“No...that mean old nurse did all the same stuff to me that a doctor would do...except she forgot to give me a lollipop after. I think I just want to go up to my room and wait for Daddy to come home.”

“Ok, but let me get you settled then.” Tea led her upstairs and sat her down in her rocking chair while she put fresh sheets on the bed and searched for her favorite pair of pj’s. Starr noticed that she remembered everything...her favorite pillowcase, the pj’s she loved, and the stuffed animals she’d want closest to her. Starr climbed into bed and glanced at Tea whenever she wasn’t looking. For someone who didn’t love her she was putting on a good act. When she turned to leave the room, Starr felt a sense of panic that she didn’t expect to feel.

“Tee?” She asked, her voice questioning. Tea turned and smiled gently at her.

“It’s okay, I’m coming right back,” she said softly, but with enough conviction to quiet Starr’s fears. As promised, she returned in a few minutes, with a cup of ginger ale to settle her stomach and a cool washcloth to put on her forehead.

“Did you bring the...” Starr started.

“Here’s the straw...you can’t do gingerale without the cool straw.”

Starr smiled.

Tea walked over to the bureau to close the drawer she’d left open, and she felt a stab of pain, something from long ago, as she stared at the frame that she knew held one of her favorite photos of Starr and herself from a few months ago, lying face down. She remembered making her own father take down every picture of her mother so many years ago. Then she could never bring herself to ask for them back. In the beginning, it didn’t make much difference. She saw her mother everywhere, in everything...so many little reminders, sights, scents, memories. Tea still remembered the night she woke up in a panic as the vision she had of her mother began to fade. By that time, reminders were hard to come by---her father had burned any reminders left behind after a while. She walked over to Starr’s bedside and sat down beside her, putting the cool cloth against her feverish forehead. She had to make things right before she submitted Starr to all the same self-doubt and warped feelings on love that she had learned the day her mother walked out.

“I’m sorry you’re not feeling well Starr. I’ve been feeling pretty lousy too.”

“You have? Does it hurt right here?” she asked, pointing to her stomach.

“Well, yeah, a little right there, but do you know where it hurts the most?”

Starr shook her head no.

“Right here.” Tea said and pointed to her heart. “My heart is so sick because it’s been so far from yours.”

“Really?” Starr asked. How could Tee have a pain in her heart when she was the one who had left?

“Uh-huh.”

“Does your heart hurt because it’s real far away from Daddy’s too?” Starr asked. Tea blinked hard, trying to keep the tears that threatened out of sight.

“Yeah...really bad. How’d you know?”

“Same way you knew about the straw I guess. Sometimes you just know things about people.”

“Do you know how much I love you?”

“Do you?”

“Oh God, Starr, yes. So much that...so much that you couldn’t even fit all my love for you on the moon, or the Sun, or Jupiter, or all the planets combined.”

“If you love me, how can you go? I don’t get it.”

“Mija, I wish I could explain to you what is going on, and I would if I could, but the truth is...I don’t understand it either.”

Starr looked at her with wide eyes.

“You mean grown-ups don’t get everything either?” Tea smiled.

“If I did, then maybe I’d have the answers I’m looking for and a way to make it right for all of us. Love is such a wonderful thing, but sometimes it can be really hard to understand, you know? What I do know is this. I made a big mistake. Huge.”

“You made a mistake?” Starr was indredulous. She didn’t think grown-ups made mistakes...ever. “As huge as the moon?” she asked. Tea leaned closer to her.

“Even more huge than that! I am so sorry for hurting your feelings Starr. I ran away because it hurt so much...the thought of leaving you, and I thought it would be easier that way. And I was scared. Scared because there is so much I don’t understand and I don’t know what to do. There are things between your Daddy and me...things that I don’t know if I can fix.. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love him, and that definitely doesn’t mean I don’t love you. ”

“You can fix everything, Tee.” Starr had elevated her back up to her superwoman status again. She was touched by the honor and frightened at the same time, fearing what she could do to destroy that image yet again.

“If only I could fix the stuff between me and your daddy,” she said wistfully, almost in a whisper. “But honey, that’s not something that you should worry about. None of this is. What you need to know is how much love your daddy and I...and your mommy, and the rest of your family will always feel for you, no matter what.”

“Even when I’m bad? Even when I’m sick? Even when I threw up in the middle of the Pledge of Allegiance right on Mary Ellen’s shoe?”

Tea tried not to laugh, but she couldn’t help it. In a second, her laughter turned to tears.

“Tee, why are you crying?”

“Because I almost lost you. And I’d die if I lost you. Even after you threw up on Mary Ellen’s shoes. I know how it feels to think that someone you love left you behind, and I hate myself for following in old footsteps...”

“When Daddy takes me to the beach, I like walking in old footsteps. Sometimes it’s easier than making your own. Especially when the sand is really hot.” Starr interrupted her. Tea smiled.

“It’s easier because they are there, but not better. Especially not if the old footprints are all messed up and you could leave a much cooler one behind for someone else. But I’m so very sorry for doing what was easier, just because it was taught to me, and not what was better. I’m so sorry I hurt you Starr. I’ll always be here for you, and I’ll always love you, no matter what. You can always come to me, no matter how big or how small. I’ll never be far away. Never again. I know you already have a Mommy...but maybe we can just be the best of friends forever, huh?” She smiled down at her.

“I don’t know. After all, I have two eyes, and two ears, two arms, and two legs. One of each would get things done, but two is even better. So who says a kid can’t have two Moms? Is there a rule or something? If there is, I want to take it to court. You can be my lawyer, cause your the best. ”

Tea looked away from her to brush away tears and then looked back at her with eyes still shining and a smile of love on her face.

“Legally, that means in the court, they say you can only have one Mom. But here,” she said, pointing at her heart, “I think you have got it right, Starr. This is where it matters most. And if you’ll have me for a second mother, even though I make mistakes sometimes, then I feel like somebody just handed me the world on a string.”

“Like a yo-yo?” Starr giggled at the image she had in her mind.

“The bigggest yo-yo I’ve ever seen.” Tea took her into her arms and held her close for a long time, until Starr issued a warning cry.

“Squishing, squishing!” Tea looked at her with an apolegetic grin and then settled her back against the pillows.

“Tee? It’s okay, by the way. I get it. Even grown-ups make mistakes.”

“Thanks, Starr, you are really a very cool daughter and very smart too.Why don’t you get some rest now, okay?” She checked her forehead and found her fever a little lower. “If you want, I can try to track down your Daddy so he’ll be here when you wake up.”

“If he comes, will you go?” Starr asked.

“Maybe...right now it hurts your daddy and me to be with each other sometimes. But I’d be back, remember? I’m never staying away again. That’s a solemn oath.”

“Will you stay with me now? My head hurts and I don’t think I can go to sleep. And besides, whenever my room gets quiet the monsters come out.”

“Those stinking monsters are after my Estrella again? Lemee at em.” Tea pretended to box the monsters away from Starr’s bed, and Starr giggled. “Actually, do you know what? I happen to know a sure-fire way to keep your dreams and your sleep safe from any of those bad things. I’ll be right back.” Tea went downstairs and rummaged in a secret compartment in her suitcase. Then she took her “remedy” back up to Starr and presented it to her.

“A feather?” Starr said, wondering if Tea had gone loony on her. How could a feather be any match for a monster with one eyeball right at the center of its head?

“Ahhh, but not just any feather. It’s the feather from the wing of your guardian angel.”

“I have a guardian angel?” Starr asked, her voice full of wonder and her eyes scanning the room for some glimpse.

“Of course! And not just any guardian angel, but the best in the business. I know because she’s mine too. She’s the one who brought me back to you.”

“Maybe she’ll bring you back to Daddy, too.” Starr smiled with eyes heavy on the verge of sleep. “I bet she’s very beautiful, with a golden ring around her head, and brown eyes like you. So, what do I do with it? Can I call her?”

“You don’t have to. She’s always there, all around you, to guide you and to protect you. You just have to keep this close as a reminder that there is nothing to be afraid of. When I was your age, I kept mine under my pillow.”

“You had monsters TOO?”

“Yeah...I’m afraid so. But they weren’t that scary anymore once I knew that she was with me.” Starr tucked it safely under her pillow and then looked at Tea.

“Will you stay with me anyway, until I fall asleep?” “Of course...now close your eyes and think of all kinds of pretty things and everything will be okay.” Starr closed her eyes as Tea stroked her forehead to soothe her. Without thinking she began to sing her the soft Spanish lullaby that her mother used to sing to her. Starr smiled, about to drop off to dreamland.

“I think I’ll call my guardian angel ‘Tee’...she looks just like you. Maybe she is you....” her thought trailed off as she fell asleep. Tea just sat with her for a long time, watching her sleep and lost in thought.

“I think Shorty’s right...I’m not big into believing in angels, but I think you are hers...and you’re a really good mother to my kid.”

Tea jumped so high she nearly toppled over the rocking chair she had been sitting in. Todd stood in the doorway, his eyes holding a curious shine that probably matched that in her own.