*****

It still surprised Todd, each time that he opened the Penthouse door since Tea left, that he felt this new gripping sense of loss at it's lonely and silent recesses instead of the old relief that used to flood through him when he was the only soul in his fortress. The same state of being--alone--that he used to embrace was suddenly a curse. He remembered some of the times he used to come home to find Tea asleep on the couch; never could he admit that something about that felt so right. Had she waited for him, her mind weary from spinning thoughts of where he was, what he was doing, and why he hadn't come home to her, finally giving over to sleep in the early hours of the morning? Or sometimes, he wondered if she couldn't face the thought of another night alone in the room that he'd tried to make like a servant's quarters in the beginning….before…

Before it all changed.

On one side of the house was Starr, like a princess locked away in her Ivory Tower of protection, and on the other was Tea, whom he tried to keep barricaded beyond his vision, his thoughts, and his heart, either for her protection, or perhaps his own. At the time, it was never clear. In any case, neither action had met with much success. Starr still skinned her knees, caught colds, and cried tears of pain that he never wanted her to know. And Tea…she had a way of storming her way into everything, trying to put everyone back together again even when they didn’t realize that they were broken in the first place. She found a hold that he couldn't break and he realized he didn't want to. He thought he had the answer to keeping her on the outside by enforcing a situation where he made her feel so unwelcome that she would desire nothing from him but distance. But it didn't work that way…not with her.

She was an outsider, like him. Faced with similar tactics everyday in various worlds where she felt she didn't belong, she had become a fighter, stubborn as hell. He smiled as he thought of how she would dig her heels in and never give up a fight or fold in the face of a challenge. That's why…she always came back. The challenge…or maybe it was just love. He shrugged off the confusion. He didn't know enough about that to define it. All he knew for sure was that somewhere along the line, as she fought his challenge to find her place in his life, the nature of the prize changed. He realized he was no longer the winner if his initial plan succeeded. Keeping her locked out, he was no longer fighting just her, but himself as well.

Now, as he kicked the edge of the empty couch in disgust, he wondered who was the winner now. Starr was being unusually difficult, and he worried that he could never give back what he had denied her twice in her young life. In pushing Tea away in answer to the voice of his own demons, he hoped she'd find her smile again someday…that smile that reached all the way up to her eyes…but seeing her last night, watching her when she thought she was alone…

Todd sighed heavily and then felt self loathing gather somewhere at the depth of himself.

"Damn it Delgado! Why did I let it get this far? It wasn't supposed to be like this! What the hell did I ever give you to make you cry when you should be cheering that I'm out of the picture?"

He paced nervously and glared at silent walls which held no answer for him. His home felt like a prison, what he was cause for a life sentence. In addition to the battles he carried, inner scars, he had this new emptiness now. A resentment for a life that had begun to thrust something before him, in the sense that some sadistic soul might dangle a piece of fruit, salvation, in front of a starving man, just long enough so he starts to imagine he can taste it, and then, it is ripped from extended fingers which just recently learned to trust that the offering was real. Before he saw Tea, before he knew her, he could pretend he didn't know that hunger, the drive to have comfort, love, understanding. He could pretend so well he himself was fooled. Now that he knew what was possible, that there was a solution that could dull the misery and lessen the burden that was his life, to have it pulled back out of his reach only intensified the truth and the emptiness to new levels that were almost unbearable. He had this restless pent up agony within him that was stronger than it had ever been, the same feeling that coursed though him once as he watched a tiger in the zoo, in a cage much too small for the power within such a magnificent beast. Sickened by the conditions it was held, he refused to take Starr there again, but some days he would go to watch it, drawn to its struggle day after day, its restless pacing touching something within him, pacing which began to dwindle until the day it almost seemed to give up and wait for death. In the end he made a call to the right people, and they'd saved the animal before it was too late. But what about him?

"What will save this animal?" he wondered out loud." What else could save me before its too late? Tea? How would she save me? Lessen the burden," he sneered, "by taking it on as her own." He hurled a pillow with great force through the air and it slammed into the door.

"I won't make her just like me. I'd lie down and wait for death like that damn Tiger before I'd make her like me…" He raked a hand through his hair, shaking. He had to see Starr. He remembered to breathe in and out when he saw her. She gave him a reason to stay sane.

Todd went to collect himself, put himself back in some sort of order. He didn't want Starr to wake up and see a monster in her room , first thing in the morning.

*****

Starr lay in her bed and closer her eyes tight, cringing as she heard the occasional thump and crash that meant that Daddy was home but that he was sad again. Judith asked her once if Daddy ever scared her, and when she had said no, Judith had looked at her like she was a bad girl making up stories.

It had made her mad…she always told the truth, and that was it. Daddy never scared her, but he did make her feel very sad when he made things crash and thump. Something in her stomach always started to ache real bad. She felt it now, but worse than usual, and she sang softly to herself to make it go away. She didn't know what the song was about. To her it was just a bunch of sounds that Tee said was Spanish…it sounded pretty when Tee sang it…and she often came to sing it to her when she was hurt or scared. She alternated that with the Mockingbird song Mommy sang when she stayed with her at Aunt Dorians. She didn't know which one she liked better…they both made the ache go away. But not today. Starr buried her face in the pillows. She didn't feel well. She wanted Mommy or Tee to come in with a cool washcloth and put it on her forehead and hold her hand, but Mommy was busy with the paper and Tee…she punched her pillow hard. She didn't want to think about Tee. She just plain didn't love her anymore. She closed her eyes tight as she heard Daddy's footsteps come into the room. She always pretended to be asleep, so he wouldn't know she had heard him downstairs, throwing things and breaking others because he hurt inside.

Starr tried to keep her breathing quiet as he pulled the rocking chair over next to her bed and sat down with a heavy sigh.

"Things are going to be so different for you Starr," Daddy said. "Somehow, if that's the only thing I ever get right, I'm gonna make it happen."

She felt him gently tucking the stuffed animals in around her, and she felt his eyes on her. It was weird, but something in the air almost seemed to change as minutes passed. Something in the air that made her feel all jumpy inside seemed to lessen its hold. She felt Daddy gently tugging at one of her curls; time to get up for school.

"Shorty…we don't want you to miss that Cheese Bus again…time to get up kid."

Starr turned over and looked at him through eyes she hoped looked like they had just woken up. When she turned she moaned a little as her stomach felt all jiggly inside.

"Daddy? Do I have to go to school today? My tummy doesn't feel good."

Todd looked at her with concern. Starr loved school. She had a lot of friends and she rarely asked to stay home. Horrible thoughts of appendicitis and all kinds of other scary things that could be wrong went through his head, and he wished once again that Tea was home.

"Does something hurt, Starr?" Starr saw something funny in Daddy's eyes, like he had just seen a ghost or something else scary. She sat up and patted his arm lightly, suddenly understanding.

"Daddy, I'm not real sick or anything, but I'd rather stay home…maybe with you?"

"Sure Shorty," he started, and then he cringed, remembering that even as they spoke Blair was going for the One-Two Double Whammy punch trying to steal both Starr and the Sun out from under him. How could he not leave one of those areas wide open today for her to barge in and steal something away from him? How long could he cover both fronts without Blair emerging victorious in one area, or both? Judith had the day off today; but even if she was around, if his daughter was sick he wanted to be there. At the slightest ache or pain, he always flashed back to that terrible year, the year he thought life was going to kick him for the last time and take his daughter from him…the one thing in his life that made him feel like he was still living at all was Starr, and at that time, he could almost see the bad things waiting to take her from him.

Starr saw something come over him, a new sadness in his face, and she felt that somehow she had caused it.

"Never mind Daddy. It's nothing really. I'm gonna go to school after all. No big deal." She pushed past him and started to pull some clothes out of her closet.

"Listen kid, if you are sick, you're staying home and I'm staying with you."

He made up his mind quickly. "To hell with…" He stopped just short of cursing Blair in front of Starr. At times it was a struggle, but he had vowed never to do that. "Work is not all its cracked up to be anyway."

Starr heard her father's words but she also saw the nervous edge in his eye. A lot of times things at the paper where Daddy worked freaked him out.

"Just forget it okay? I said I want to go to school and I'm going!" She ran out of the room to get ready, but stopped short out in the hallway, angry with herself for starting a tantrum with Daddy. Only babies had tantrums. She was a big girl now. Besides, she wasn't angry at him, but at how screwed up things always became. She was angry at all the things that made Daddy sad all the time. Sometimes it felt like the world had two different parts. The part that Daddy, Mommy, Tee, and the rest of the grown-ups would show to her, and then this other thing…something that hid in the shadows like the monsters she was sure lived in the closet at night. According to Daddy, those weren't real either, but if they were imaginary, just like the things that parents keep secrets, then they should just go away and stop haunting little kids. She sighed deeply. Everything was always so…she scrunched up her face in concentration…trying to come up with a word.

"Compilcated," she said out loud, snapping her fingers as it came to her. She turned around and wandered slowly back to her room, shyly poking her head in. Daddy was standing by her dresser, staring hard at a picture that she had turned to face the wall the other day. The one of Tee and her on the swings. It made her heart hurt to look at it.

"Daddy?" Todd jumped at the sound of her small voice.

"Yeah? Did you change your mind?"

"Nah, I'm going to school. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for sounding like Oscar the Grouch."

"Don't apologize…really, it was a very good impression. Look kid, seriously…leave the apologies to me. I need a lot of them and can't have you using em all up. The Mannings are only granted so many, you know, and I'm starting to worry that we're heading into the negative column…IOU's…" Starr looked quizzical and he just shook his head. "Forget it Shorty. Go get yourself all decked out or dolled up or whatever."

He smiled at her, and she smiled back, but he noticed that the smile didn't reach all the way up to her eyes like it used to. It struck him that this seemed to be a new Manning family trend. As she walked out, she turned to look at him with the face of one who knew more about loss than she should at her age, and gazed at him with huge eyes full of sadness.

"Please put that picture down on it's face. I don't want to look at it. It used to make me happy but now I only get sad."

Only after she had left his view, he responded with a whisper, "Me too, Starr. Me too. Pictures are only a reminder that the real thing is long gone."

*****

Dorian opened the front door and dragged RJ Gannon inside before he even had the chance to gear up for the little speech he'd prepared. As she pushed him through the double doors into the living room, he summed it up as neatly as he could.

"Whatever it is you are getting into Lady, I will have no part of the crack-brained mess. I…" He paused in mid rant as Blair stood up slowly and extended her hand.

"Hi RJ. Been awhile, hmm?" He wondered how it was the woman had trained the English language to sound like a cat purring with pleasure coming out of her lips. She had always had something…a quality…that intrigued him to the core.

"That it has," he responded smoothly, arching an eyebrow with newfound curiosity. "What I'm wondering now, is why the sudden reunion at this point in time? What are you lovely ladies up to?"

"Oh, just something that needs a special…experienced…touch." Blair smiled at him with a suggestive glint flashing in her eyes.

RJ folded his arms defensively in front of him. Strong as he was, he felt the need to protect himself from dangerous move like hers. Dorian merely glanced at them and smiled with her own wicked glint very apparent.

"Uh huh…and how illegal are we talking?" Blair slowly traced the rim of her coffee cup and then glanced up at him from under lowered lashes as she considered.

"Actually, there is no chance of handcuffs for any of us on this one. Does that disappoint?"

"Depends on how you look at it, I guess."

"Hmmm…okay, here's a thought. What if we were actually to get back to the business at hand, shall we?" Not that this little banter wasn't very entertaining and somewhat intriguing, but Dorian liked to focus on one mission at a time. Blair glared at her, before moving ahead.

"It's not REALLY illegal in any way…but I like to think we can make it just as much fun. If a little game of emotional blackmail isn't fun, what is?" RJ sank down on the couch, very intrigued. Blair walked over and momentarily sat on his lap---simply to illustrate a point, of course.

"You see RJ…these times in life when some intriguing possibility falls into your lap, you have to go with it." She grinned at him and then moved aside. "With a certain little something I just happened to get my hands on, I've got my finger on Todd's emotional pulse…"

"Whoa, wait a minute Lady…we're going after Todd Manning on this?"

"Oh yeah. You've got it. I want from Todd Manning everything he took from me." Suddenly Blair grew serious, a new drive in her face that RJ had to simply sit back and admire. "The man is a reptile, and he and the Queen of Scales messed with the wrong woman when they took what was mine. My daughter…My Paper…They left me with nothing and laughed all the while. This time, the jokes going to be on them. Don't you dare feel sorry for them, RJ Gannon. They've had it coming. Finger on the pulse, baby. I'm going to press down and cut off his blood flow. Maybe my life and my strength will be that much greater for it as he discovers what its like. I plan to leave him with absolutely nothing. Make him bargain so hard for every piece of his life using his weakness that it won't even hit him until it's too late that I've taken it all." She stopped, and her words received an honorary moment or two of silence.

RJ was silenced by her drive. The allure somehow grew even stronger in the course of the last few minutes. When he spoke, he was dead serious.

"I want in. What do I have to do?"

"For starters, promise me you'll be on our side. You are a man who knows how to get things done, RJ. I like that. I've always liked that. I'm probably going to need a little back up on this when the going gets tough. But more importantly, I need someone who knows how to do a little technical mixing. You know music…I was hoping you'd be able to assist me in a little 'tape editing'. We've got to take one 'song' and make it seem like Todd was singing a whole different 'tune'. What do you think? Can you handle it?"

"Let's just say, Sir Mix-a-Lot has nothing on me."

Blair extended her hand, and he took it, sealing the deal…and then some.

*****

Tea looked at the piles upon piles of work that littered the top of her desk, and then she looked up at the clock to be her salvation. It wasn't even lunch time yet. She sighed deeply. Time seemed to be playing a new game with her these days. Seconds seemed minutes, minutes seemed hours. In the meantime, Tea couldn't understand why she was in such a rush to get out of the office for the day. Then a new reality took over. Time was even more empty at home…

"Home.." she scoffed.

Not that Carlotta wasn't going out of her way to make her feel comfortable and wanted at her house. But she found that she was retreating into herself that much more, and unfamiliar surroundings did nothing to help her to feel as though there was any reason not to do so. It was easier that way. Time alone only increased the feelings she could somewhat put away at work, however. Basically, it didn't really matter where she was these days. She felt like an outsider in her own body. The sense of purpose, of belonging, of being needed and wanted and being part of a family was gone now that there seemed to be no hope for her and Todd to work things out. She hated feeling so weak…like all the fight that brought her back to Todd again and again, because she was sure that it was fated to be that way, had just fizzled away somewhere with this most recent of "speed bumps", as Todd would say. You can keep hitting the speed bumps but if you never do anything different, never figure out that you're supposed to slow down and proceed with caution, eventually you're going to crash and burn. That's where she felt she was at now. And she hated herself for it. She didn't want to give up. She wanted to find the sense of "fight" that had carried her through life up to this point. But she felt as if something in her was broken down. She didn't feel as if she could claim to have the strength of heart or the know-how to fix it anymore.

"Why did I stop believing? Or is the right question, why did I ever start?"

She rested her head in her hands trying to work that one out in her mind.

Almost a half hour later, this is the same defeated posture that her secretary, Ruth, found her in as she burst into her office.

"Mrs. Manning, your step-daughter's school just called." Tea jumped to her feet in an instant, worry overtaking her before she even had a chance to think.

"What is it? What's wrong? What's happened?" She struggled to put a valid sentence together, and cursed Ruth for just standing there.

"Apparently neither her mother or father is reachable at this point, and she's seems to be ill. They want to know if you can go pick her up…"

She wasn't even able to finish the sentence before Tea was out the door.